Why Celebrities Can’t Find Love by David Wygant

I was at the Coral Tree Cafe in Brentwood recently, having breakfast with a bunch of people. I looked at the magazine rack and “US Weekly” had a picture of three famous actresses on it and across the picture it said “Why They Can’t Find Love. Beautiful, Rich And Alone – The Nightmare Of Dating In The Self-Absorbed World of Hollywood.” It talked about how beautiful these women are, and how awful it is that they can’t find any love.

It talked about Jennifer Aniston. It says that she’s a self-described neurotic. Really, a self-described neurotic may have trouble finding love whether she’s a celebrity or not because she’s NEUROTIC.

Then it talked about Cameron Diaz. It says that “according to a source” (which is always my favorite), that she tends to build her world around a guy and then get possessive. Well, I know a lot of people who are possessive.

Then there was Jessica Simpson – Daddy’s little girl. Or maybe it’s Daddy’s little girl that Daddy fantasizes about, because whenever I see Joe Simpson looking at his two daughters I get that really creepy feeling. You know, I see him with his arm around his daughters and something just doesn’t look right about it. Not only that, but I can’t imagine hanging around her. You know John Mayer, the songwriter. One day Jessica Simpson goes up to him and says, “Hey John, can we write a song together? Maybe we can sing about Chicken of the Sea since it comes from chickens, or maybe we can write a song about buffalo wings, since they’re made from buffaloes.”

Then there’s Reese Witherspoon. She has three kids and is a recent divorcee. In Hollywood (near where I live), if guys see a woman with three kids, they run in the opposite direction. It doesn’t matter that she’s worth millions of dollars. Guys here don’t want to deal with someone else’s kids, and Los Angeles is one of the most self-absorbed places in the world. People here tend to be a little too much into themselves. Just getting together in LA is a challenge.

Then there’s my favorite one, Misha Barton. Misha Barton: now there’s a talentless actress. She was on “The O.C.” I think she used to work at Cold Stone Creamery until someone noticed she was cute, so they put her on television. Misha Barton is 21 years old; so, who cares if she’s single! She should be drunk at a frat party right now. It seems silly to me to be analyzing the love life of a 21 year-old girl. It’s not abnormal to be single at 21. Single at 21 is all about drinking and getting into dramatic fights with your friends when you are at the height of your buzz, only to get home and pray to the Porcelain God.

What’s wrong with this whole thing is that we even care about who is dating who in Hollywood. You know, people are so bored in their own life that they care about who is dating who in Hollywood. I live in Hollywood and see these women all the time, and I couldn’t care less. My dog and I met Drew Barrymore. Whooptydoo! Drew Barrymore was cute, but I didn’t really want to go out with her. If I did, I would have asked her out. To me, she’s just a person. That’s all these people are. These are just people who act for a profession. They didn’t cure polio.

So, pick up this issue of “US Weekly” and find out why all these women can’t find love. Maybe we can hook them up here. Maybe they should all just come to the blog, hang out and start talking to all you guys. Maybe they can find love with us normal common folks, because they’re obviously not doing well with their “inbreeding.”

Because I believe that when actors date actresses, it’s like inbreeding.