We all have a custom style in relationships, and we all feel insecure at times in a new relationship, and we all have trouble communicating our needs, wants and desires at times in a relationship but during the first crucial 90 day period of a relationship, that’s when we need to really start understanding what your partner needs in order to feel secure in a relationship.

Being self-aware during this time is really important. Understanding what your partner needs is extremely beneficial to the long-term possibilities of the relationship.

I remember five years ago, the first 90 days didn’t really make me feel secure. I tried to communicate my needs, wants and desires to her and in turn she ignored them on a regular basis. That, in turn, really spoke volumes on her lack of understanding on how a relationship should be.

Because a relationship is understanding what our partner’s needs, wants and desires are and it being an absolute pleasure to make them a fruition for them.

So right now, I’m going to give you six things you need to do to make your partner feel secure.

1 – Disconnecting contact:

If she calls and you’re busy and you know your girlfriend or partner feels anxiety, or goes into story zone, or doesn’t feel secure when you don’t get back to them, here’s what you do.

Send them a simple text of “hey, I’m in a work meeting right now, I’ll call you later.” It goes a long way. Don’t punish somebody who has an anxious attachment style. Embrace it, it’s who they are.

All it takes is, “I’m in a work meeting, I’ll call you back later,” to calm their neurotic events down. But don’t disconnect when they need to feel that connection with you throughout the day.

2 – Withdrawal:

Don’t withdraw when you’re feeling insecure.

Because if you feel insecure, it’s better to speak to your partner about why you feel insecure, how you got triggered and why you feel the way that you do, instead of withdrawing and ignoring them.

It’s better to speak about something as it comes up instead of passive-aggressively manipulating or playing the game of I’m not going to get back to you, I’m going to get even with you.

3 – Keeping Score:

Don’t keep score on how long it took to return your call and waiting too long to return theirs, for them to make up the first make up move and acting distant until such time. What happens here is that you’re literally going to formulate the way the two of you handle small miscommunications and breakdowns.

If you keep score in a relationship, it will never work. Just thinking, well they didn’t this, so I’m not going to do that, that relationship is what we call the tit for tat relationship. And that will never work.

And in that relationship there’s going to be no growth, there’s going to be no security and you’re both going to be two anxious people who are constantly keeping score, instead of really just letting go and allowing and understanding each other’s attachment style.

4 – Acting Hostile:

Never act hostile. If you’re angry, if you’re mad, if you’re sad, if you feel triggered, if you feel not heard, don’t roll your eyes when they’re talking.

Just tell them, look, please feel free to express yourself, but allow me the opportunity to express myself as well, so we can both understand each other better.

5 – Threatening to leave:

If a relationship isn’t going your way that day, never threaten to leave somebody. Because that will actually trigger their anxious attachment inside their own bodies and their own minds. Making somebody feel abandoned because you’re pissed off is a very immature way to handle any type of relationship.

So don’t threaten to leave at all. Say to them, “We’re in a misunderstanding, I feel uncomfortable, I feel like we need to work through this and this is how it made me feel.” That is a more mature way of doing that.

6 – Manipulation:

Acting busy and unapproachable, ignoring phone calls, creating plans that don’t exist, is all manipulation. I remember when I tried to manipulate women in my 20’s, when we weren’t getting along I would literally say fine, then I’m going away with my friends and I would go somewhere with my friends and I’d sit by the phone the entire weekend.

That’s before we even had cell phones. I’d sit by the house phone hoping it would ring. Manipulation is a poor, immature level of relationships.

So those are six ways that you can actually have a better relationship and learn each other’s anxious attachments, anxiety in the first 90 days so you can learn to understand one another better.