I have a confession as a man that I need to make to all the women: We men are clueless about anything subtle that you do. We really are. You need to be obvious to get our attention.
If you’re familiar with what I teach to women, you know that I tell women over and over again that they need to give men “buying signals” if they want men to approach them. “Buying signals” are things that tell men that you are receptive to their approach, including things like smiling, looking at men, and saying hello to men.
In response to this advice, I have countless women tell me “David, I look at men and smile at men but they still don’t approach me. I don’t think these “buying signals” work.” When I delve deeper into exactly what these women are doing that they are perceiving to be “buying signals,” though, nine times out of ten what they are doing I can guarantee are not being noticed by men at all because what they are doing is not obvious enough.
It comes down to an issue of women not understanding how men are wired. In this article I am going to give some insight on how men are wired and give you ladies four reasons why it’s not only okay for you to show interest to men, but indeed why you need to do so.
1. Men Don’t Pay Attention To Small Details: For any of you who have lived with a man (whether it was a boyfriend, a husband or a brother), this will probably sound familiar. As you leave the house one day, you ask a man to clean up or straighten up a bit while you’re gone. So what does he do? He goes to the sink, puts a few things in the dishwasher . . . and that’s it. Meanwhile there are still dog hair tumbleweeds traveling across the living room floor and laundry piles up to the ceiling. When questioned about those, he inevitably says “I didn’t notice those.”
Men don’t notice small details. They have no idea about the little clues. Men need the obvious. Women need to really understand this, especially when it comes to communicating their interest in men.
2. Understand How Men Interpret Your Subtlety: Women need to realize that it is not only okay, but necessary, that they show men they are interested. So many women I’ve coached will tell me they flirt with men all the time but never get any response. When I ask them what they did that they are calling “flirting,” virtually every one will tell me they “glanced over at him a couple times” or they “smiled at him a couple times quickly” or something similar.
These two second glances and quick smiles simply do not constitute flirting in the eyes of a man. They are simply not obvious enough. When many women go to flirt with a man, they do something they believe to be flirting but which is in reality is something too subtle for that man to notice it. So despite that woman’s interest, the man will leave that situation thinking she didn’t like him.
3. Men Need Women To Be Obvious: When I say that you need to show interest that is obvious, I am not talking about you grabbing a man and sticking your tongue down his throat as you grind up against him. What I mean by showing obvious interest are things like smiling a bit more or touching his arm a little bit when you talk to him. I mean that you need to use your body language to express your interest. Lean in a little when you talk to him. Flirt with him. Laugh at his jokes. Engage him in some deeper conversation.
If you’re interested in a man you meet, don’t wait for him to ask you out or just hope it happens. Say something to him like “I really enjoyed this great conversation. Hopefully we’ll run into each other again someday.” Let him know you’re interested. Not only is it okay to show a man you’re interested, but you should show men you’re interested because you want to be in control of your dating life. If you think about it there are really only two choices: you can either start to show your interest or you can continue to do nothing (or to use subtle gestures which convey the same message as nothing to men).
4. Men Don’t Interpret Obvious Gestures The Way You Think They Do: Every time I address this issue, I get tons of emails from women saying some version of this: “David, I can’t do these things. If I do, men are going to think I’m coming onto them and will just think I want to sleep with them.” Let me address this misperception so we can clear it up once and for all. If you are making out with a guy in his living room, he is going to assume that the two of you are just going to have a make out session in the living room all night long. The only way we men know you want to sleep with us, even in that situation, is if you say “Let’s get naked and go in the bedroom.” Once again, men don’t pick up on subtlety and even on the semi-obvious.
So the fact is that if you like us, it’s okay to show some interest. We are not going to over-think or assume more about it than what it is. If you smile, lean in and touch our arm when you’re talking to us, we’re not going to think we’re going to get to hook-up with you right there and then or that you want to drag us off to bed. All we think is that you like us, that we can ask you out . . . and this could potentially be a relationship. You need to remember this the next time your head is telling you that we’re reading all these other things into everything you do.
So ladies, take control of your dating lives by showing us when you’re interested. Not only is it okay to do that . . . but we men could not be happier when you do.