I know how awesome it is to be able to sit across a great man with a great glass of wine, some good food, good service…
And have that wining and dining experience.
But the thing is, most of you don’t wine and dine this way.
Most of you will sit across from a close friend…
You’ll order some appetizers, maybe a cocktail or three…
And then you’ll began to complain about your dating life and about how you’re not meeting any quality men, and how you want to meet somebody great and get married and finally quit dating.
Your friend will chime in, tell you that you’re a wonderful catch, and then they’ll start complaining about their relationship, or complaining about their lack of a social life.
That’s what “whining and dining” really is these days: two people who sit down and complain to each other over cocktails and appetizers, with the subject often being their shitty dating lives.
It’s time to wake up!
The next time you whine and dine, actually listen to yourself. Listen to the way you’re complaining, listen to the way you’re talking.
And know, that to men, it’s a major turnoff to hear.
I understand that women love to talk, and for you it often helps get frustrations off your chest.
But there is a huge difference between light venting, and being that woman that just complains about her life, gets bitter about men, and never does anything to improve herself.
So I strongly suggest the next time you begin to complain, think about your life and think about all of the things you could do to improve your dating and relationships.
I don’t live for complaints; I live for truth.
And the truth is you have complete control over meeting men. You—WOMEN—are in the driver’s seat.
You’re in the power position.
So don’t “whine and dine”—take control. Men everywhere are waiting.
Well, over the weekend I re-activated my OKCupid account. I rewrote my profile according to dating experts’ advice, such as keeping it positive, framing the summary to discuss what “we” would experience together as a couple (instead of writing about me, me and me.) I upgraded my photos and got rid of the ones that weren’t doing me any favors. It’s a very honest and relationship minded profile…and I state in it the qualities in a man that turn me on, and I don’t mention anything negative or what I don’t want. I think it really gives the vibe that I am a happy person who understands that another person cannot make you happy.
So far about 100 men have viewed the profile, only 4 or 5 wrote to me, and they were all piddly one-sentence messages that told me they didn’t actually even read my profile. One guy even admitted he hadn’t read it yet and said he was going to do that right now. Delete, delete, delete. It’s incredibly frustrating, but I’m looking at like job hunting…you post your resume to Monster in case a recruiter with the right position finds it, but the job may come in a way you never fathomed.
So right now I feel like I have no choice but to dine with my female friends…however, I try very hard not to whine/complain. Sometimes it’s hard not to, though.
Hi Pam,
I, too, have rewritten my dating profile to read what we would do as a couple and it just doesn’t seem to gain much attention either.
When I read a man’s profile, I’m not too worried what we would do together as a couple. Why are men overly sensitive to this?
I’ve lost count of the number of fellas who email “Hi”.
Losing patience……..
Tell a story about yourself, something funny or fun in your life. Those are usually great conversation starts and it gives a man something to talk about. I rarely see those profiles. I normally see women writing resumes…lol A whole list of things. I get the feeling I’m applying for a job rather than finding a date…lol
The upgrade on photos big plus there too. Because often times I see women using outdated photos of themselves. I see it this way, if you can’t put a true representation of yourself in a form of a picture which means you don’t think men will be attractive to you in your current state than what is he going to think when he meets you in person?
Have patience, it is too bad that many men look at just the picture rather than the whole thing and then respond! But there are quality men out there, you just have to be patient!
Thanks, Mike. At the top of my head I cannot really think of a funny story about myself that would intrigue men and get them talking, except for the time my boss (yes, my boss) tipped over and spilled his entire glass of red wine on me at a dinner that my department was enjoying with the CEO of our company at the time. Although I handled it gracefully, I’m not sure I want to relive that one in an online dating profile.
I never use outdated photos. I’m 40 and think I look pretty good for my age, so I have nothing to hide or lie about there. I’m amazed at how many men do it, though. I’ve met guys in person who were noticeably older than what their profile pictures would suggest…who do they think they’re fooling?
I’m not sure what I can put in my profile to jazz it up…if I copy and paste it here, would anyone want to critique it?
Hey Pam, out of interest what were some of the other messages you got from guys responding to your profile?
It always interests me to find out, because I still struggle to believe that some guys just write something like – “I think your hot, can I have you number” and expect a woman to respond… :/
And, I’m not a member of OKCupid, so I’m not really sure if I’ll be able to see your profile if you post it on here, but if I can I’ll give it a go and see if I can give you some feedback!
I would Pam! I usually get endless messages on OKC, so I know a thing or two about what guys like! I can help you by going over your profile.
Post a picture that shows your entire figure rather than one of your face only as your main picture. Guys are visual and they want to see the figure.
Hi Ben and A. Ward,
Thanks for the offer. Before I copy and paste it, let me just say I do have recent pictures in my profile that show either just my face or my whole body. A couple of those are from when I went to the Bahamas earlier this year, and I brought along a sleeveless maxi dress.
Ben–to answer your question, just last night I got one that simply said “Hi.” I’m sorry, but I need more…need to know they read something and not just looked at my pictures. Another guy the other night wrote, “You’re very pretty. Come watch the election.” I wrote him back, thanked him, told him he looked like Russell Crowe (which he did) asked him a couple of questions based on what I read in his profile. He wrote back one sentence and didn’t answer but didn’t answer the other, didn’t reciprocate anything or ask anything to keep the conversation going.
I’m copying and pasting my profile below–I wrote it this way based on a video of an online writing expert that David had emailed to his women’s newsletter, and other dating coaches who recommend doing it this way to weed out the one-night stand guys and attract ones who would want a relationship. But I will admit it doesn’t sound very sexy nor intriguing, and I’m not sure what I can do. Thanks for checking it out and offering to give feedback.
Here it is:
“You and I are both in a happy place in our lives. We understand that happiness is something internal that you must obtain for yourself first before you can attract the right person, since another person cannot complete you and make you happy. There’s something to be said about living in the present and being grateful for all that you have, and being able to enjoy life, whether you’re single or not. Having said that, we also both know that life is definitely sweeter when you share it with the right friends…and partner.
I think about us dining out (or cooking a meal together), checking out outdoor festivals and flea markets, exploring New England towns we’ve never visited before (and those we have and enjoy), taking a road trip across the U.S., going on walks/easy hikes, weekend getaways to Nantucket and Vermont, Mohegan Sun (yes, I love to play the slots once in a while) and nestling on the couch watching a movie. Maybe you can help this new golfer with my game if you’re a golfer yourself (I just took lessons this summer.) I see us having chemistry and laughing together at the same silly stuff we’ve found on YouTube.
I most admire men who are authentic. Someone who is what he says he is…and who is sincere and honest. Maybe that’s impossible to find online, but it’s a very important quality to me. Those who don’t throw around compliments or brag to impress others, but say and do things because they really mean it. Guys who show some kindness and give others a break, no matter how small, is also a turn on. Guys who take care of themselves and who are reasonably groomed and presentable in appearance really stand out in today’s society. Men who don’t check their phone constantly during dates or when out and about (‘cause that would be rude, wouldn’t it?) and because they respect the company who’s actually with them in the flesh.
Maybe you’re out there. Maybe not. But OK Cupid is free so I’ve got nothing to lose. If you are the man I just described above, I hope you’ll let me know.”
Hey Pam, I know what you mean now by the short responses and how frustrating it is..
One of my friend’s younger brother’s sometimes chats with me on Facebook messenger. He’ll start the conversation with “Hi”, and then he might say “How r u” but there’s nothing in there that really jumps off the page and makes you want to respond with great enthusiasm because it’s just bland..
It’s like I feel as if I have to pick up the conversation and get it going, even though I wasn’t the one who initiated it! To be fair, he is only 15 so he’s obviously still building his confidence and social skills, and I’m certainly not going to say that I was able to communicate the way I can now, when I was that age because I couldn’t!
But, I can understand how frustrating it must be for you, if you’re talking to men that are your age, that are not offering you any more than “Hi” or asking you questions in order to keep the conversation going..
Sorry, there was a typo in my message above. The guy answered one of my questions but not the other.
Hey Pam,
I read your profile, and here is some of my thoughts about it…Your intro about “living in the present and being grateful for all that you have…” sounds like your giving me a lesson on life rather than looking to date…lol Like your writing a book or something. When you meet someone for the first time, let’s say you joined a 5 minute date place. Would you introduce yourself by going into the philosophy of relationships? That is something one could discuss later on but kinda deep for an intro if you know what I mean.
When you start writing about your thoughts like exploring New England towns or taking a road trip to explore new places, or just cuddle that is what interests me because this is were you really shine in the profile. You give the guys plenty of information to get to know you a little bit to start that conversation.
Then you revert back into the philosophy of relationships by rebuking the guys for throwing out compliments or brag to impress others. However at this point, it’s not too deep like the intro was. In fact, you give them great advice in the process!
Your challenge at the end, “maybe your out there. Maybe not” is well written. So the only thing I would change in it that would appeal more to the male side would be the intro. You want to grab the guy’s attention with telling him who you are. You can always get into the philosophy of relationships later. Overall, you sound intelligent with a fun life! Some lucky guy is going to discover you!
Mike and Jen, thanks for your comments/feedback. Mike, the reason I wrote my opener that way is because I’m looking for someone who is equally secure in his life, and is not so desperate to be in a relationship that they would choose the wrong person just to so they can say they have a girlfriend. I’ve been following a blog for over a year written by a woman about her online dating experiences, and she recently posted that most people who are online are looking for someone to fill them up, when of course happiness is intrinsic and can’t be found in anything outside of yourself. I get what you’re saying that it comes across as preachy and too life lesson-y. Not sure what I can do to lighten it up but I’ll do some thinking.
Jen–I feel your frustration. I think technology and instant gratification has ruined common sense social skills. I remember 15 years ago trying online dating and finding at least a few guys to go on dates with, because they were capable of exchanging emails longer than one sentence and wanted to speak on the phone first before meeting up. Now, they don’t want to put as much effort into it. What the heck happened?
It’s just particularly frustrating when you we write a good profile (like yours) and all they have to type is “hi”. Useless gits…
I also “appreciate” it when they say that we have a lot of stuff in common. When I ask what caught their attention in my profile (similar interests), they stop communicating?!
Sadly, i think that my unrealistic expectations have gotten in my way of enjoying online dating. I think that I will meet someone who looks like Ryan Reynolds and we’re going to be made for each other….. Damn, Hollywood movies!
“Useless gits”…ha ha ha. Are you British? Love it!
Yeah, when they stop communicating I suppose it’s because they don’t know how to answer your question…lame.
I know, too bad things couldn’t happen more often like they do in the movies.
Pam,
I have read similar profiles like yours. What I get from those by reading them, I feel the women are frustrated. The internet is an illusion with people posting commercial of themselves. Also, what if…Hollywood actress Natalie Portman decided to tweet that she wanted to date a confident guy, secure in himself, not comment to impress. How many desperate guys do you think would respond to that tweet? I would say quite a lot…lol
You have to think of yourself as a star in your own movie especially when it comes to online dating. Guys who normally wouldn’t approach you in person would respond to your profile.
The thing is, you don’t want to come across like it’s a job interview nor project frustrated energy or lecturing him on relationships. The weeding out process happens later whether it be e-mail, phone, or date.
That is great that you follow that blog, but a male knows how a male thinks better than a female…lol
Mike–the woman whose blog I mentioned did meet a great guy this past summer. She said it happened when she decided to stop worrying about dating, accept her life as perfect the way it was, and to focus on doing the things that made her happy and nourished her. She went on a writer’s retreat and took a week’s vacation off from her job to do nothing but write. The guy she met was actually through Match.com, but she actually became really good friends with him first and initially met with him to discuss writing (he is an English college professor.) I think it really does happen when you least expect it.
Regardless of how a woman’s profile is structured and written, I still think the guy needs to give something in their response beyond “Hi.”
Mike,
I appreciate your feedback because I’ve learned a lot from you already.
I, too, was a bit philosophical about relationships in my profile. I thought that I was giving the impression that I was being serious about online dating – didn’t want to give the impression that I was flaky.
Thanks!
Pam,
I agree….You give a wealth of information about yourself and what you want, there is no reason for a guy to write an e-mail that just says…”hi.” It’s like your talking to the dude and all he can say after that is, “hi”…lol
Have you gotten any decent responses yet?
Hi Mike,
Not yet. Lately I’m getting notifications that so-and-so “chose” me, which means they rated my profile with a certain number of stars…but none of the guys doing this have actually sent me a message. I guess it’s OKCupid’s equivalent of “winks” on Match.com. At some point, when I’m inspired and know what to write, I’ll tweak it. Right now I couldn’t care less…LOL.
I feel for you Pam, I do not understand the stupidity some men have on these dating sites! You think with all that text messaging that they would be experts at it! lol
I went on Craig’s list a few months back, and seen a well written ad for single guys. I’m like your kidding, she was intelligent along with running a business and told me she was having trouble getting dates because guys would befriend her but didn’t want more than that. She didn’t put a picture in the ad, and said she was “average” which to me means with that combo of no pic and “average” she is overweight.
So I wasn’t interested in meeting her, if she was more honest about herself, I would have.
Thanks, Ben and Mike. No worries, though…I look at it as an additional way to meet men but not the only way it can happen. For me, nothing beats smiling at someone and making conversation with them in person. You definitely pick up on vibes right away in the flesh vs. trying to get to know they over phone and email.
Yeah, that’s very true!
Happy Thanksgiving by the way Pam!