Do you meet somebody, date them for a while, and you think it’s just incredible? You think this is everything you’ve ever wanted. Ah, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world.
He’s the perfect man for you. He’s handsome. He’s wonderful. He’s charming. He’s exactly what you’ve always wanted.
So why does it never seem to work out with this type of a guy? It’s because you think this man is the perfect guy before you even know him. It’s because you have this fantasy relationship in your head about him running right from the very beginning. It’s because you think about him so much that the only place it can go is down.
Here’s the reality: the reason why you’ve been obsessed about this one type of guy over and over again is because you have an internal tape recorder that’s been playing over and over again in your head since you were a little girl. Your mother, your grandmother, the people you grew up around, have all told you the exact type of man who you’re supposed to be with over and over and over again.
It’s been programmed into your mind so powerfully that you always go after this type of man that, in reality, you don’t even want. This man doesn’t treat you right. This man doesn’t actually respect you. You can’t connect with this man, mentally or emotionally. Why? Because this is the man that your mother wanted you to date, not the man that you’ve always wanted to date.
Culture has a huge role to play in this. I remember growing up in a very Jewish community. Every girl that I was friends with would say, “My mom wants me to marry a doctor one day.” These girls were seven years old. Later, in high school, I was joking around with a girl one day and asked her, “Who do you want to marry?” “Oh, I just want to marry a professional, like a doctor or a lawyer.”
Ok. You’re 17. How could you possibly know that? You’ve never dated a professional. You’ve never dated an adult. It’s really the voice of their mother and their grandmother nagging about them the type of man they should be with: “You’ve got to marry a nice Jewish doctor! He’s the one who’s going to be just right for you.”
What you should really be talking about with yourself right now is love. Your family? They’re not talking about you marrying somebody you’re in love with, somebody you feel fantastic around, somebody that’s going to be great for you in every way, shape, and form. They’re talking about pedigree and residence.
This happens in every culture. You’re chasing your mother’s dream. You’re living your mother’s fantasy life. It’s sounds like a tape recorder, but it’s so out of date that what is playing in your head is actually an old 8-track of your mother’s life.
You’ve got to start thinking about what you want. You’ve got to start getting naked with you who you are, and you’ve got to start realizing that unless you stop playing someone else’s recording over and over in your own head, your life is just going to pass by.
Hey, it’s Shahwan, I am a man, and I read ur postings on the man’s page, but i have been recently reading ur postings here too, it’s entertaining and insightful. Anyways, great advice as always, I just wonna add something, we men kinda face the same problem as well, i mean we sometimes feel the obligation to live our fathers dream, or else we will be losers. We feel that we should live up to their ambitions in terms of profession/study, and the kind of girl we should settle down with.
Thanks.
Thank you, David!! and CONGRATULATIONS on your new book!!
OMG! Major Big problem!!!!! My computer is broken and won’t turn on (I’m using someone else’s right now) and I have this smoking HOTTTT picture of this guy as my desktop background! lol Problem is…it’s kind of…ummm…explicit (?) is maybe the word? lol OMG!! What do I tell the person who is fixing my computer and sees this?!?! lol (“What the?!?! (lol) I did not put that on there! Must be part of the computer virus or something! (lol))
and I have been thinking about this topic A LOT lately!! Like, there’s no way my family is going to ever let me marry the type of guy that I’m attracted to! Not even close! and my brothers get rid of guys just by giving them the “I’ll kill you” look! lol
I’ve been thinking about how am I ever going to keep this guy away from my family? lol but true! Every time I talk about the type of guys I love, my mom tells me not to talk about them. 
I then try to convince myself that this type of guy is not for me and ask myself why am I attracted to them? lol
Oh! and my mom’s parents protested her marriage lol at the back of the church on her wedding day! and after the ceremony, they played “Hallelujah!”! lol (Where everyone plays “Here comes the Bride” lol) I swear! This is the truth! so maybe this is my solution! lol It sounds horrible but considering she’s the world’s biggest drama addict, lol it must have been her dream wedding! lol
You’re like my little brother who I lost who was the best and who when my mom would give me her bad advise lol and then I would think that that’s what I have to do, he would tell me, “you can do whatever you want to do!”
I definitely agree with Shahwan – this isn’t limited to to women. I have older siblings who are a generation apart (they’re more like uncles/aunts age-wise). One of my brothers is the golden child – a professor of law.
In the past couple years I’ve decided that I do NOT want to be like him (in the career aspect, he’s a moral and wise person though). I’m glad he’ll never read this, because his wife is a yoga instructor and I’m pretty jealous. But their married life isn’t the tale of happiness and content they dreamed. They almost got a divorce and realized that the standard American dream of the white-picket fence and financial security isn’t enough.