Written for Soulmatch
Dating Q&A #8:
Polite Rejection
I am wondering how to reply to an email from someone in personals. As shallow as it seems, I am not attracted to the photo. I believe physical attraction is important, too. However, being raised with manners I would like to respond, but it would be a rejection. I feel it would be insensitive to just say I am not attracted to your photo, but also I don’t want to make something up. What would you suggest? – Chris, Pleasant Hill, Calif.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: I’m glad you want to be polite. Here’s your answer:
Dear…, Thank you for your response, I am flattered by your interest in me, and very sorry I cannot reciprocate. The best of luck to you in your quest.
Sincerely, Chris
David Wygant answers: You could be honest with her, but that would be really hurtful and could hurt her self-esteem. Since you feel you need to respond to a person who reached out to you, are you OK with a white lie? Most people in this situation will not respond. That is part of what people expect when they try to meet someone online.
The best response would be something like, “Thanks for contacting me but I am not interested at this time.” It’s simple to the point and it will show a response. Rejection is cold and there is no good way to tell a stranger you do not want to get to know them. This is why most people will not respond. I am sure you are not the only one who is not responding to her. I am also sure you haven’t received responses from everyone you have contacted.
The Insightful Dater answers: It’s great you are being considerate and applying manners you use offline to your online interactions. You’ve got a couple of options. You can do what you think needs to be done to spare any feelings. For example, “I’m really busy with work and am taking a break from dating, but thank you,” or “I’m just starting to see someone right now,” etc. This is what is known as a white lie or sugarcoating the truth. It is less direct, but I understand that sometimes it feels “easier.” You can also just respond by saying, “Thanks for your recent email. I’m flattered I caught your eye, but after checking out your profile, I don’t think we’re a good match. Good luck in yoursearch. Best, xxxxx” It’s polite and direct – but doesn’t reference your specific lack of attraction to the photo in the profile. Manners are great and so is the good karma of answering someone’s email instead of leaving them wondering. In the world of online dating, a “no thank you” is better than no response at all.
Dine and dash?
I don’t understand why sometimes, after what seems to be a really great date – one where were both laughing a lot and seemingly enjoying the conversation – that she doesn’t return my calls or emails. If she doesn’t like me, why lead me to believe she does? Is she thinking she’s being courteous by not just saying, “I don’t think it will work for us,” at the end of the date? It makes me feel like she’s been dishonest and just used me for a nice meal out.– Tom, Orlando, Fla.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: I agree with you, it would be a lot kinder to tell you it wouldn’t work, but I also realize it’s a very difficult statement to make face to face. So, a lot of people just avoid it, and hope you’ll get the message. Here’s the rule: If she doesn’t return a call or an email after a date, you can call or email one more time, after a few days, just in case she somehow didn’t get the message. In your second message, say “Hi, it’s Tom you didn’t respond to my last message, so I’m assuming you don’t want to hear from me again. If I’m wrong, call or email me at …” This gives her a chance if she just didn’t get the message, but lets her know you won’t bug her or wait around, either.
You can avoid being used for a meal ticket if you don’t do the dating thing so quickly with women you don’t know. Instead, invite her to join you and some friends to do something (a hike, a movie, lunch, a bike ride) and get to know her a bit before you ask her on a real date. If you do a group thing, you’ll see how she interacts with your friends and what they think of her before you get invested. I call it the “get a life” method of dating.
David Wygant answers: Most people are afraid to be honest. If only she would tell you at the end of the date that she does not see the two of you as anything more than friends, then you could move on and not give her a second thought. As for the phone calls and the email, Tom, make it one phone call and one email. If you do not hear back from a woman do not pester or chase them. If a woman is not nice enough to answer your email and say that she does not see romantic possibilities, then as far as I am concerned she is not worth a second thought. Really, how hard is it to send an email to someone and say that?
May I suggest when you date, take the woman out for drinks or coffee so you will not feel you are being used for a free meal. Keep the first date simple. Save dinner for later.
The Insightful Dater answers: Not everyone is as courteous and honest with us as we would like. I suggest that at the end of a successful first date, you try to ask as directly as possible (without seeming to be pressuring) if your date would like to get together again. You might even suggest an activity and see if there is interest. Gauge the nonverbal cues and see if there is a commitment to getting another date planned. Not everyone knows their schedule without checking, but you can always clarify by saying, “okay, then, I’ll look for an email or call from you in the next day or so about solidifying our plan to go hiking-please let me know if anything changes on your end.” This way you’ve clearly asked and stated your expectations. If they flake in this scenario, you wouldn’t want the long-term frustration anyway.
Write or wrong?
I have been having an email/phone relationship with someone I met on the Yahoo! Personals, and although he says he likes me a lot, he doesn’t seem to be able to express himself with words. He rarely emails me or calls me unless I call or email first. When we’re talking or emailing, he tells me he is very interested in me. Otherwise, he won’t even call to say hello or ask me how I am. What should I do? – Jennifer, Waipahu, Hawaii
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: You might try not phoning or emailing, and see if he steps up to the plate. Relationships need to be conducted like tennis matches – you hit a ball into his court and then wait for him to return it. If you do all the work, he may just let you. Stop phoning and emailing – you’ve let him know you’re interested, now let him show you that he is. And, if he doesn’t call, think about the future of this relationship – do you want to be involved with a guy who won’t talk to you, or is too passive to initiate a conversation? One of the biggest complaints I get from women about their partners is “He won’t talk to me.” So, consider looking around a bit more, and not spending too much time and energy on this one. You deserve a partner who is interested enough to contact you.
David Wygant answers: Let me ask you a question. Is this the type of relationship you want? Do you desire a relationship that lacks communication and effort from the other person. Do you want to date someone who does not call you to say hello or someone who never initiates the first contact? Let me ask you another question, how come you have not met him in person yet? I think you need to ask yourself these questions and decide if this is the type of relationship you desire. He needs to show some effort otherwise you are not going to get what you deserve and desire.
The Insightful Dater answers: The short of it is, you either have an online relationship or you advance it to meeting in person. There’s nothing wrong with either, they just require different levels of one’s attention. If you are one of many people he is corresponding with online, you may not feel you are getting his clear focus or attention. So, suggest meeting in person and then you’ll know whether or not you should keep initiating those online conversations. Clearly, he’s expressing interest, but you’re not convinced, so up the ante and listen to your intuition – it’s not about winning attention, it’s about finding someone you enjoy being around and who is open to having a balanced relationship.
