Written for Soulmatch
Dating Q&A #7:
After Divorce, She’s Anxious about Dating Again
I married my high school sweetheart and didn’t really date before him. Now, I’m getting a divorce. I am anxious about dating again. I have the looks to get a man’s attention – however, once I’ve got his attention I find it hard to talk to him. Also, there are men whose attention I’d like to get but I don’t know how to flirt. I was married faithfully for a very long time and I can’t believe what a challenge I’m facing. Any help out there would be appreciated – all perspectives, please! – Pat, El Paso, Texas
David Wygant answers: Congratulations on being single and on your great attitude! I will answer your question in two parts. The first part I want to address is how to talk to a mystery man when he approaches.
This is very easy – he approached you, meaning he found you sexy and pretty and he is equally as nervous about speaking with you. Keep that in your mind as we dig deeper.
When he starts talking, relax and listen to him. As he tells you about himself, just keep him talking. Ask him questions that pertain to what he is speaking about. Everyone loves to talk about themselves, and by using this tool you’ll get him to do all the talking so you will be able to relax. When you’re relaxed and comfortable, your brain will magically start to function and you’ll start talking too!
As for getting a man’s attention, this is the easiest thing to do. Men are like giant walking and talking Scooby Doo’s because they are so super-visual. In order to get their attention, all you need to do is look over at them several times and smile each time.
A few glances and smiles will tell him you want to speak with him, making it safe for Scooby to approach the Scooby snack – which is you, of course!
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: “The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again” has detailed instructions on how to talk to strangers, easily and safely. When talking to a new man, focus on what you think of him – not what he thinks of you. Size him up, and complement something about what he’s wearing, or his watch. “I love the color of that shirt it looks great on you. Did you pick it out yourself?” or “That’s an interesting watch.” This takes the conversation out of the “Do you come here often?, what’s your sign?, cha-cha-cha” realm, and most of the time, he’ll respond with some solid information. If he says his girlfriend (oops!) gave him the shirt, or his sister, or a friend, you can then ask another question. If he says he bought it in Tahiti, the conversation can take off from there. People love to talk about themselves and their likes and dislikes – find a way to accomplish that and the conversation is a breeze. As you respond to his questions, don’t use one-word answers because they do nothing to enhance conversation. End every response with a question. “Yes, I like the music here. How about you?” With that technique, you don’t have to work hard to make the conversation flow. Now, as to flirting – that’s simply showing interest in someone else.
The Insightful Dater answers: Dating will be a big adventure for you given your situation – just remember that everyone is on a journey in life and dating is like getting a glimpse into someone else’s reality. Sometimes that glimpse makes you want more, sometimes it will send you running!
The important thing to remember is that you have a lot to offer, so be yourself (what do you want to talk about?). Don’t worry about getting attention or using the proper flirting technique.
If you are confident and you earnestly want to get to know someone, your dates will trip over themselves to be in your presence. There’s something really attractive about positive energy and confidence. Work on that and you’ll have mastered the key to dating success.
Also, before you get back out there, think about the things you would like in a mate and have a sense of what works for you and what doesn’t. You have some life experience that will make you a better “dating consumer.” Take advantage of that experience.
Go the distance for romance
What if you think you’ve found the right person, you’re both clicking and have chemistry; you and he are sure it would definitely work. At times he talks about our future together. However, distance is a major factor. Is a 100-mile round trip worth the effort or should both of us agree distance is a problem and start seeing other people? – Ann, Miami, Fla.
David Wygant answers: The only way to find out if you have found the right person is to spend time with him.
People are often great within a limited time together saying all the right things, but until you spend a lot of time with someone in person and until you see them in many different environments, you will never know if this is the right person or not.
If this person is so great, it should be a no-brainer to make the time and effort to see each other.
I would suggest playing this out and making the time so you can see if the feelings are real. Only time and effort will give you the answer that you desire.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: The point is to find a relationship that is sustainable. That means, you’d actually be able to keep a commitment for a long time. This is an appropriate problem for the two of you to work out together. And, in working it out, you’ll learn a lot about how effective you are as partners. Who has what connections at home? Does either of you have relatives who depend on you? Kids who are established in a school and with friends? Are both your jobs equally important to you? Does either of you own a house? Would both of you be willing to move 50 miles closer together? Answer these questions, then negotiate. Each of you should be willing to make some changes, so it’s not too one-sided. If you think this relationship has great potential, then it’s worth it to see if you can make it work. If you can, great! If not, at least you’ll know you gave it your best shot.
The Insightful Dater answers: Distance is only a problem if neither of you can make a move. If whatever is keeping you apart outweighs the potential you feel in your connection then, yes, agree that you are at an impasse and move on with your lives.
Here’s the tough part. If one of you is willing to take a risk to shorten the distance between you (it’s like taking a leap of faith), then you might both be better able to investigate the chemistry and make a real decision as to the value of your connection. If you go this route, you’ll need to set some ground rules and talk openly about the issues related to moving closer – you don’t want a sacrifice to turn into feelings of resentment.
At the end of the day, will you always wonder “what if?” If so, it’s worth a discussion about the possibilities of giving this a try as a part of a major change for your relationship. Life is short, too short for regrets for either staying put and passing or moving and wishing you hadn’t.
Be sure you really know what you want, not just what you think the other person wants. Take your time and listen to your intuition – you already know the right answer for you. You’ve just got to tune in and listen for it and see if it matches up with your partner’s.
Work it out?
How can I deal with a workaholic? Should I wait for him when he’s not so busy? How patient does a girl have to be? He says he’s interested and wants to be a couple. He’s sorry for the timing. I am, too. I really like this guy and I think we can go the distance. Most women would have said, “See ya!” However, I”m not like most women. Any thoughts? Should I date? Keep my options open? How do I know someone else isn’t my soul mate? How do I know he could be? I want a chance, should I give him that? – Lori, Antioch, Calif.
David Wygant answers: I am also a workaholic so you are asking the right question to the right person!
I work about 14 hours a day, but I still find time to connect with my girlfriend. I make sure that each night we have time to share our days and I also make sure that we have fun things to do on the weekends. You need to understand what he is all about, but he needs to schedule quality time with you so the relationship can grow. You need to sit him down and tell him that you respect and understand what he is about, but at the same time you need to explain your needs as well.
If he does not respond and find the time to nurture the relationship than you need to find someone else who will appreciate the gift of you.
As for soul mates, there are many people you can find true love with – so don’t get bent out of shape if this doesn’t work out the way you want. If someone keeps their heart open, they will attract a great person into their life.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: Who says he’s a workaholic? Is it just you, or does he think so, too? “I have to work” can be just a way to tell you he doesn’t want a serious relationship, or it might be the truth. If he really is working, you need to figure out if it’s a temporary situation (e.g.: he’s going for tenure, partnership, a promotion, or starting a business), or part of his character. If it’s just how he is, then you need to learn to work with him to make the most of the time you have together. That’s a good test to see if you can solve problems together. If you can’t do that, then find someone else.
The Insightful Dater answers: Timing is always an issue in relationships. Life is a series of ups and downs, busy times and – we hope – some slower times too.
Ask yourself: Is he a chronic workaholic or is this just a short-term project? To find out the answer – let me rephrase that – to find out the truth (not all workaholics know that they are workaholics) you’ll have to ask some pointed questions. Think about these questions and personalize an approach to these issues with him:
- Is this a short-term project and time investment or does the person thrive on ongoing projects that require this kind of dedication?
- Some of my friends just talk about enjoying life outside the fast-lane, but never actually do it. What kind of pace do you like to keep in your personal and professional life and have you had any slower times lately?
- How do you see a relationship fitting in to your life “master plan?”
Ask yourself the same questions before you approach him and then see how closely your perspectives and expectations match. If what you desire in terms of time together and the general pace of life are different than what he wants, no amount of waiting will do any good for either of you.
