Written for Soulmatch
Dating Q&A #6:
The “Wonderful Guy” She’s Dating Won’t Phone. What Should She Do?
I’ve met this wonderful guy. However, he doesn’t respond to me as I want him to. Specifically, he doesn’t phone, rather he uses instant messages. I think IM is impersonal and I’ve told him so. Am I wrong to tell him this and want a more normal means for communicating my thoughts and feelings with him? – Call me, Raleigh, N.C.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: I don’t have much information to go on here, but are you two communicating in any other way than IM? Why not just shut down your IM, so he’s forced to use something else to contact you? If you are communicating in other ways, be more responsive there than by IM. Let his IM sit for a couple of days, and respond right away to his telephone calls. Only do what feels right to you, and he’ll probably get the message better than if you complain.
David Wygant answers: You are not wrong at all. This is who you are and a relationship of instant messaging is not at all what you are looking for. I always tell people to voice their opinions and be completely upfront with what they want.
Stand your ground and let’s teach this guy that good old fashioned talking is a pretty damn good form of communication, especially when it comes to relationships!
Here’s a great idea: The next time he text messages, punch in your phone number. When he responds, keep punching in your number! He should get the idea.
The Insightful Dater answers: Communication is always a challenge, even without the mode being an issue. Everyone has preferences and different habits for communicating in an era with so many options (some people prefer email or IM over phone or vice versa). Instead of saying you find his way impersonal, you might try being direct and specific about your communications preferences. For example, you might say, “While IM works for confirming our date or sending you a playful ‘hello,’ I would like to talk with you on the phone when we are planning an activity together or talking about our feelings.” Be clear that you understand he may be comfortable using IM throughout his day, however you have a hard time feeling as if you’ve made a connection with him using that mode of communication. If you express this clearly and he still avoids addressing your needs (by acknowledging he understands how you feel and expressing a willingness to come to an agreement on this issue), then how you communicate is the least of your worries. Good luck, I hope it will work out and when you think back to this you’ll both just LOL.
The case of the runaway romancer
I am 42 years old and been divorced. I started dating again last year and it’s difficult to find anyone who doesn’t have some major issues and wants to play games. When you’ve been seeing someone for awhile and you think things are going OK and see the other person is starting to show signs of having feelings for you, why is it that all of a sudden they get scared and run and give you some stupid excuse. –Left Behind, Machesney Park, Ill.
David Wygant answers: When they give you a stupid excuse, do you ever challenge them on it? I feel that a lot of people are understandably wounded they get older and they become afraid to let down the walls. They get close to people and when things get to hot for them they run and hide and ignore there true feelings. The next time you hear a stupid excuse I want you to call them on it and dig deeper, they may need a little kick in the rear to open up and feel safe and allow there true feelings. I have used this tactic many times and found the relationship opens up and becomes deeper and more interesting. It takes time to break down a lifetime of walls.
Be patient and you will find someone who is open to what you want!
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: You’re going to have to talk to him, there’s no other way. Start by saying the friendship is very important to you, and you don’t want to mess it up, but you’re getting mixed messages from him. Ask him what he’s feeling toward you. Perhaps he just wants to be a cuddly friend, perhaps he wants more, but isn’t sure you do. He’s probably feeling as confused and as protective of your friendship as you are. So take the risk, and ask.
The Insightful Dater answers: You certainly deserve better than lame excuses. Relationships are difficult for people for lots of different reasons. Running away when the intimacy gets to be too much is probably the most common way people end relationships – totally avoiding what it is they need to deal with inside (often other excuses are what come out, but really it’s just a lot of unresolved fears that are being awakened). Keep in mind two important things: 1) you can choose to remain open about what is going on for you and, 2) whatever is going on for the other person is not “your stuff” – it’s “their stuff.” So, communicate your thoughts and feelings and maintain an open and nonjudgmental environment where you both can express what is on your mind and in your heart. If you’ve done this (really done it, not just think you’ve done it) and your intended is still scared off and unable to face his fear of getting closer, opening up to you and ultimately becoming more vulnerable, then you should consider if it’s really the right person for you.
Starting to fall for a friend
My best friend has been throwing out mixed signals for two months. Sometimes we just hang out like friends. Other times he wants to cuddle or slow dance. We’ve never kissed or anything like that, however I’m starting to fall for him. I’m too scared to tell him because I don’t want to lose him. I would rather have him as my friend than not have him in my life at all. What should I do? – Bewildered, Sanford, Fla.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: It’s natural for people to get scared when things are moving too fast for them. I’d suggest you spend more time with your dates in the company of others, and less time one on one, until you both feel more comfortable with each other. When you see signs that your date wants emotional space, give him or her plenty. Don’t be too available or too demanding of time together. Go out with other friends, so you’re not always there. The more independent you seem, the more attractive you’ll be to someone who’s got cold feet.
David Wygant answers: Tell him exactly what you just told me! You need to sit down and have a good talk. Be direct and ask him “What is up with the mixed signals?!” He may actually feel the same way and just be as afraid as you are to open up and let his true feelings out.
It’s very important to first reassure him that your friendship is extremely important. But, unless you clarify some things, you are going to go crazy – and that is not fair to you.
Take a deep breath and recognize that getting this out in the open will be huge weight off of you – Stop the daily, self-inflicted torture that is going on in your head!
The Insightful Dater answers: Sometimes no matter what road we take, there is a lesson in store for us and it often involves some heartache. The good news is we grow and learn and things do seem to get easier down the road.
The most important thing is to honor yourself by telling him how you feel. Explain to him that you want him in your life and are willing to work with, honor and respect whatever his feelings are on the matter–but that staying silent about your romantic feelings was too difficult.
Bottom line is that you feel his signals are mixed and you should respect your own need to be dealt with in a straight-up manner and to know what his intentions are with you. When you talk, tell him you have been afraid he would run from the issue or your relationship.
It requires a certain maturity to handle feelings like this between two people-anything you can do to “prep” him for the news and to keep the lines of communication open will help you in retaining your connection with him. Who knows, he may just be too afraid you would run from him if he revealed his true feelings to you.
