how to sext herYes, I’ve written about this recently, but I’m going to write about it again. I don’t understand sexting. Now, I do understand a little dirty talk. I understand going back and forth a little bit, teasing each other, turning her on by text. But if you’re just going to go home and masturbate with your phone in one hand and your fingers typing in another, then what’s the point of all the hot sexting for?

The hot sexting is just there as foreplay. That’s all it is. It’s just a little bit of foreplay to get her going so that you can get your butt over to her house, and have real sex with real fingers and hands, mouths and bodies. The good thing is you can’t get your phone pregnant.

No matter how much of your load accidentally lands on your phone, your iPhone isn’t going to have babies. Steve Jobs made sure of that for you. But if you’re going to be addicted to having sex via our iPhones, let’s talk about ways to have safe sext.

1. Clean Your Phone!

How do you clean your cell phone screen? Not many people ever clean their cell phone screens. When you’re sexting what you’re doing is you’re taking the dirt from your bacteria covered screen, getting it on your hands and placing it on your hopefully clean male member.

If you’re a woman and you’re having sext, you’re taking those disgusting fingers and putting them inside your clean vagina. So please if you’re going to have sext, clean your phone!

2. Make Sure Your Dialing The Right Number

This one is short, but VITALLY important. If you’re going to send dirty messages to women, PLEASE make sure you’re dialing the right phone number, or selecting the right name on your contact list. I’m sure your mother or your boss, doesn’t want to hear how much you want to see them naked so you can lick them from head to toe!

3. Be Careful Where You Blow

Do you remember that load that you shot up in the air during sex?

Well, make sure it doesn’t land on your cell phone. Because it’s going to be a hard (pardon the pun) thing to explain to T-Mobile or The Apple Store that the water damage inside your phone is due to you jerking off while having sexting, and that the semen has seeped into the phone.

That would be embarrassing, I can only imagine that when they put it under the microscope, they see little sperm swimming around. They call you and say, “Hey buddy, this was not water damage, this was sperm damage!”

How do you think your phone feels? Have you asked Siri how she feels about you using her as a sex toy?

Sexting is sexy. I get it. But let’s just use it for what it is. Sexting is foreplay back and forth. If you want a full on “session” then why don’t you Facetime so you can at least see each other. Maybe Apple needs to come up with an app called ‘Vagina Time’.

How about an app called Penis Time, and another app called Masturbation Time. There could be candles lit in the background. There is mood music going on. Maybe there is an actual way you can kiss one another through the phone. Lips touching so you can really feel like you’re having some type of sex.

I don’t know, I’m just getting creative. I need you app developers out there think about that! Come on. We can come up with a great app. Anyway, that’s how you practice safe sext.