Dear David WygantToday’s “Dear David” comes from Graham. He has a pretty common problem, and one that needs to be addressed quickly if he isn’t going to screw up his relationship. As always you’ll see the email he sent me, followed by my response.

“Dear David. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to air our issues with you. I’m really hoping you can help me. I’ve been dating this beautiful girl for about 3 months. She’s funny, kind, and super hot. Actually she’s like a mini Jennifer Anniston.

But here’s my problem. I’m a pretty good looking guy so haven’t had many problems getting girlfriends. I also have a good job and make a nice salary. Overall I’m a confident guy. But I’m totally paranoid I’m going to lose this girl or she’s going to cheat on me.

I haven’t gone as far as checking her cell-phone (although I’ve been tempted) but  when she’s on the phone to someone I don’t know, or sending a Facebook message to some guy, I start to feel serious anxiety. It’s happened when we’ve gone out for the night too. Last week I went out with her and a few of her friends.

When the girls went to the bathroom as they often do as a group, I started freaking they were chatting to other men, or talking about guys in the bar they thought were hot. I hate feeling like this, and I’m worried it won’t be long before she senses I’m paranoid and it gets rid of me for it.

 Any advice?”

David Says…

Hi Graham,

The old jealous paranoia issue. At least you’re not alone in this one. The number of guys with this issue is crazy, and look, if you’re with a girl you really like it’s natural you’re going to want to keep her. Have you been hurt by a girl in the past? If you have then it would make sense you’re feeling so insecure.

Here’s the thing. I can tell you to stop worrying, to grow a pair, and to remember that if she cheats you can go find someone else, because she wasn’t good enough for you. BUT, when you care about a woman, none of that helps.

Your problem isn’t going to be your anxiety as such, but more the way you cope with it. If you become completely obsessive and start checking on her she isn’t going to like it. You said you haven’t started checking her phone yet, and that’s great. Don’t you dare start doing it either. It’s creepy, it’s needy, and if she caught you doing it you’d be finished.

What you need to do is figure out why you’re feeling so anxious. If it’s because you were hurt in the past you need to fix those issues. If it’s because you’re insecure about yourself then you need to work on your confidence. If it’s just because you really like her and don’t want to lose her then you just need to manage your fears. It’s about rationalizing.

Does she have a history of cheating? What kind of background is she from? How solid is your relationship? Has she told you she loves you?

Unless a partner gives you a reason to think they’re seeing other people, you have to give them the benefit of the doubt. Successful relationships are built on trust. Without trust you have nothing. 95% of the time people are wrong about thinking their partner is cheating on them. Work on your confidence, think rationally, and most importantly enjoy the relationship.

You’re with a great girl. Don’t waste your time worrying about something that might never happen.