When I was in my twenties, what made me really want to figure all of this stuff out?
Frustration!
What makes any of us want to figure something out? We want to improve our lives, of course, and ourselves, but for me it also came down to pure frustration.
I wasn’t bad with girls when I was younger – but I wasn’t great either. There were guys who were much better than me with women, and there were guys who were much worse.
It was in my twenties that I began to realize that I wanted the power to date whomever I wanted. I was kind of sick of just getting whatever came my direction. And don’t get me wrong – what came my direction certainly wasn’t bad – I just really wanted to have the choice.
In order to really do anything successfully in life, you need choice. You can’t spend your entire life taking exactly what comes to you.
I decided in my twenties that I was really going to use that time period to grow and figure things out for myself.
The crazy thing about your twenties – as I’m sure many of you reading this know – is that it’s really your most emotional time period as well. You feel like you should have it all figured out by now – that’s the biggest fallacy of your twenties. You feel bad because you don’t have all of your shit together, but in reality, no one does!
Your twenties is the most emotional time that you have – and you don’t know shit! Everything is still really new to you, and you don’t yet have the mindset to realize that you can totally fuck up and you’ll be okay.
So my twenties was just a series of those fuck ups. Using trial and error, I really learned what worked and what didn’t work for me. I always joke about this, but I wish I would have known myself now when I was in my twenties, because then I would have saved myself like five years of fumbling around!
In my twenties, my goal was to become better with women, and I was going to do that at whatever cost – and I still had fuck ups! But I really just wanted to have that choice, the ability to go date whomever I wanted, and I wanted to enjoy myself.
Back then (and still) I didn’t want to have any regrets about my life. I tell everyone this – the day you get married is the day you had better have gotten everything out of your system! If you didn’t, you’re going to have regrets. And with regrets, you’re going to have to go out and do it again. And again, and again.
If you think about it, pretty much everyone’s goal in life is to find somebody to love. That’s what we really all want. We all want to be loved, and we want to love someone.
We may not want it right now in this moment, but eventually we all want that end result of a great relationship.
You have to take that time in your twenties to really get to know yourself. I spent a lot of time in my twenties journaling, writing things down and figuring things out. I spent a lot of that time period just trying to figure out life. And in my twenties, it was really important for me to do that work.
I wish I had met the current you in my twenties too.
i’m 17 and i’m already figuring out life thanks to you
David, thank you so much for providing a point of reference for twenty-somethings. I am 23, and I have been thinking long and hard about your advice in your Mastery Series and your newest podcast about becoming excellent at everything one does and becoming powerful. I am so far from living on that level, even though I have been working my ass off for so long! I feel unsure about who I am on a professional and vocational level, even though I have spent my whole life developing various skills. Trying to exude confidence is a daily battle (especially as a new graduate student in a field I know little about). I have also spent my whole life in a state of deep ignorance about what girls want.
You are totally right David. I am 23 and I was always told that my life would be figured out by the time I am out of college. But honestly, I know now that my life has barely begun. There are so many things to learn and as open as I am about learning, life is a great canvas to work on.
I have been fortunate to be learning this stuff over 4 years ago and it has brought me a very long way. It’s far from over.
Gotta work out the kinks no matter how old you are.
And just when you just think you are beginning to figure it out, you get kids and then you are back tomknowing nothing again. I
t’s a constant state of working with yourself, that’s the fun part always something new to never leave you bored.
Hey David I know exactly what you mean bro I’m 20 but I was bless to come across David D’s material when I was 17 years old. I’m ahead of the pack for sure but I still want to improve but I wanted to learn this stuff out of frustration also. In middle school and high school I had the worst time with girls and I realized at an early age that if I didn’t get this shit handled I’m going to be very unhappy.
But now that I have been studying this stuff and going out and doing approaches I realized that becoming good with women is about becoming a REAL MAN. Yes the openers and all that shit works but if you don’t transform yourself into a REAL MAN then all of this shit is useless(at least from my experience). I had learned all these openers and I would get girls numbers but if they didn’t call back I was hurt or if we went on a date a would be NEEDY. Learning all this stuff is great but becoming a REAL MAN(getting your inner game together) is half the battle. David could you talk about that.
Really glad you made a blog like this, this is probably the most useful blog I’ve read of yours recently (which figures, since I’m 21)!
This past weekend I’ve asked numerous people I’ve met who’re in their late twenties/thirties (and embarassing myself off my face in front of them as a drunken twat!) and they say the exact same thing, which is exactly what youve been saying. Courage, not giving a fuck, courage and not giving a fuck!
Its one thing hearing advice, but its totally another thing truly and truly applying it to your own life. I know when I’m into my 30’s, I’m either going to kick myself and say I should have listened to myself at 20, or look back and thank myself for listening to the advice of those who’re a fuck load wiser than me.
I’ve improved a shit tonne since September, but I’m still in that ‘wavering/liquid courage state’. Part of me is cool with that is because of where I’m at, but I know I’ve got a shit load more potential if I started applying as well as listening to those the wiser.
Just had to add a bit more to this. (You probably remember that I’m a fast talker David, but you should see me when I read!!)
In regards to that fallacy, its all too easy to do the whole goal things, before 25 do x y and z, and it takes a lot of cool to really chill out and accept the fact you aint gonna get this shit sorted out immediately!
I’ve got a fair few fuck ups to go (and need the courage to take those fuck ups like a man) before I start “sorting shit out!”
I’m with a.movie – wish I had discovered the current DW in my clueless 20’s. I was open enough to find many people throughout my life who taught me lessons from their life’s experiences – and not always on purpose. I wasn’t always focused enough to string together what I learned and to make positive changes at the time until I met more people who helped me to see a more global view.
While it’s good to learn from your mistakes, I’d like to think that learning from OTHERS’ mistakes (and their successes) is even better – far less messy and painful. As Da Vinci said in his old age, “I am still learning.” I am still shedding old notions and childhood lessons like snakeskin. Fortunately, I can now see the direction in which I’m headed and I feel really good about it.
This is quite possibly my favorite blog of all time! I’m still in my twenties (22 to be exact) and can relate sooo much to everything that was said.
Personally, I think its as hard as it may have ever been for US YOUNGER MALES…nobody ever talks about it but there have been alot of strange things going on in society just within the past 30 years. Anybody aged 35 years and above can attest to this but that’s another story. Many of males grew up with crummy or no father figures at all…crummy households, masculinity attacked at every angle possible. We now have emo type guys who act like bitches running around with fat masculine women
Haha!
Damn David, it’s like you wrote this blog about me!! Like Taras, I too am 22 and can relate SO MUCH with this blog. I like to joke around with my friends by referring to the early, confusing, emotional, no-idea-what-the-fuck-is-going-on twenties as a quarterlife crisis
“Lord help me accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
-Fer
Just to be in my twenties again knowing what I know now! I would change somethings for I would have two daughters out of wedlock and straighten up my life and found me a good job. But to look back on it I look at it as a learning experience to not repeat the same mistake over. Life is a learning tool and a person only lives it once.
The previous blog I want to thank everyone for their advice and I will not hesitate to get my daughter help if it gets to a point where she can not handle it. I raised her to stand on her two feet.
Great blog today D, love it! it hits the nail right on the head about what it is like being in your twenties and the kind of emotions we all go through.
Sandra, I hope everything is well with your daughter!!!
Thanks Yakub
I am talking to her now on Yahoo Messenger. It will be a toss up if I can join the Teleconference Wednesday for I am concerned about her.
Are any of you guys in your early twenties located here in Southern California and interested in meeting up sometime?
Hey Johann I’m located in orange county but I come to L.A. about every other week so if you want to meet up send me an email at fcm_acnmaster@yahoo.com so we can exchange info and talk futher.
I definitely relate to what a.movie & Johann said. If only I’d had these resources that you’ve made available for us David a long time ago. Although I’ve improved slightly in the last few years, I was always a fuckup then and still fuckup now all too often. It’s often seemed that if I ever did something right, it was by accident.
Most all my life I’ve been shy and socially incompetent. Work’s not so bad because when I do an assignment, I know what it is I have to do and say. I know what I’m talking about there; but with personal relationships, especially with women and even approaching, I’ve been like a fish out of water. I have many acquaintances, but few close friends. Sad to say, I can count my close friends on one hand. I’m a quiet, low key, reserved person with very little mojo. Maybe that’s just my personality type, the way God made me, I don’t know. Just the way I’m wired. I’m not a Type A personality. Would give most anything to be like David. I want to rise above my limited mental programming and achieve more. I don’t want to spend my last days with regret for an unfulfilled life. A life in which I achieved practically nothing. That’s not the way I want to go. I’m tired of being a nobody! A non-entity that is invisible to women.
You know, when we were kids and fantasized about having special super powers, many of us fantasized about how cool it would be to be invisible. I’ve learned the hard way that is extremely overrated. I have the power of invisibility to women for all practical purposes, and I don’t want it! This is one super power(not super at all, trust me) that I’d like to get rid of!
I think David is one of the few dating gurus if you will who can educate me on possibly succeeding with women without a bunch of BS PUA/Fast Seduction gimmicks. I saw a certain PUA guru in a YouTube clip recently and while he may be very good, he didn’t come across as all that Alpha. It was from the Jimmy Kimmel Show some time ago, and Kimmel referred to “The Community” as a bunch of nerds trying to get laid. They’re constantly texting each other with stuff like,
“Need to Opn a 10 HSF with Pkup, & need IOIs & ROIs. How to proceed?”
This guy supposedly got B Spear’s # one night in a club. What my hunch tells me is that he got her # only because he seemed much more like a “friend” kind of guy to chat with instead of doing anything serious with. And remember, just getting a # doesn’t guarantee success by any stretch because a girl may still blow you off later.
I want to avoid the gimmicky crap and just be a real man. And PUA/Fast Seduction gimmicks & games don’t make you a man. It’s deep inner game that can’t be had overnight but takes time and character building. And the right learning resources and reinforcement & motivation, like what David has been giving. Lots of self discipline, training and hard work. And practice, practice practice, which I haven’t had the balls to do until very very recently. Just like everything else in life. Now if I’ll only shut up and practice what I’ve been preaching in this paragraph. I’ll shut up now.
Sandra, and if I get a chance to go through my twenties again, I will marry the woman with two kids out of wedlock! It seems as if those women try harder at making a relationship work.
Right off the bat, let me thank you, David, for doing what you do. Everything you share is making a positive change in my life. It’s a process I needed to undergo, so I’m grateful I started it through you!
That’s all I wanted to say for now.
Thanks to everybody who took their time to comment, too.
Such a great blog! For all of you in your twenties, definitely enjoy life and do not settle down too early! With each of your relationships and dating experiences you learn what you want and what you don’t want. The emotional roller coaster does seem endless but if you can ride it out, you’ll come out better and wiser in the end.
Sandra…so true about having kids. That’s why too it’s important everyone in their twenties to really pay attention to the potential partner’s family of origin stuff and how they are with children. I never really payed attention to that in my twenties and I wish I had, as that is a whole other layer to a relationship.
I hope things are a little better with your daughter too Sandra…we are here for ya.
Kimberly
hunter
there is a saying what comes around goes around. my mom and i had a talk about it and I asked her one question: how did she handle it when I her daughter was going through the same thing. She said it is best to let you decide what to do. When I was younger I used to call my parents every time one of my first three husbands let a fart. But when I married now divorced my last husband I put a stop to all of that. What goes on in my home will not enter into my parents and that is the agreement I have with them. Even when I broke it off with her dad my parents let it be my final decision on what I wanted to do with my marriage to her dad. Then I decided to give him a divorce because I was tired of the arguments that we were having at the time. I am the type of mother that I don’t want my girls to be in an unhappy marriage but when they make their final decision to end it then give me a call and I will make provisions for them to come home. Thanks for your concern. It helped me a lot.
Before my daughter made the step to be married one thing I said to her: Don’t get tied down with a man for when you do then you will have a husband to take care of and possibly children. She wanted to continue in school so she could get a good paying job. I also passed that on to my youngest.
Excuse me that was to be entitled Coach Kim
Thank you for your concern. I talked to her tonight and he is forcing her to do things against her will. But as a mother I must learn to keep my sanity and my tongue bitten.
>> “I wasn’t bad with girls when I was younger – but I wasn’t great either … I just really wanted to have the choice.”
I can so relate to that. I wasn’t bad either, but I lacked choice and that’s exactly what I long for. I want CHOICE and OPTIONS — not compromises. So when I look at people I am dating I can honestly say “I have made a choice to be with this person. I’m with her because I want to, not out of convenience, or because she is easy or I can’t do any better.”
I have this image in my mind of walking down a grocery store isle with my future girlfriend/wife. And near the frozen dinner section I see a beautiful woman. A perfect 10 model. Beauty that will make guys stutter and just hand over their life savings in a heart beat. But she wouldn’t phase me, because I have had her type before and they are nothing compared to what I have going on with my future girlfriend/wife. Now would be CHOICE!
Great blog! So true, even at 21 I feel like I should have all the answers already. Thanks David for reminding me I’ve got a long way to go. Plenty of time for fuck ups and figuring myself out! So glad I found DW otherwise who knows how many years I’d be fumbling around for lol
just to add here, after enjoyed these Blogs i still remember david had wrote one blogs last year “ARe you User or Taker ?? it slightly relate to these blogs. May be you guys can flip one more time again. I just love it. I very much agreed in twenties we’re so naive, clue ness, impatient and etc.Eventually life is all about experience.
Cheers!!
I liked this part.
“You have to take that time in your twenties to really get to know yourself. I spent a lot of time in my twenties journaling, writing things down and figuring things out. I spent a lot of that time period just trying to figure out life. And in my twenties, it was really important for me to do that work.”
I’m actually reading a book titled “The Quarterlife Crisis”. I bought it as a joke, I mean, what on earth is a QUARTER life crisis. We all heard of a MID life crisis, but this is just a bunch of psychotherapists taking it too far!!
Turns out, there are some interesting things to be said. I’ve come to realize that it’s natural that people go through transition periods in their life… these are times when you realize that what you know is not really how it is. What you think should be, doesn’t always have to be that way. And most importantly, how well you know yourself, isn’t actually very much at all. So you better get movin’! :O)
For us 80’s babies, this particular blog resonates with something DEEP in us, but we may or may not know quite what it is.
At 23, I’m just gettin’ into my groove. That’s why we feel like David is writing directly to us.
It’s confusing sometimes, frustrating, and infuriating at others. But I was once told by my cousin on her wedding day, “It only gets better as you get older”.
I believe it, too
That’s what keeps me on my grind.
Even though this process feels like it sucks about 40% of the time, I know its not gonna last forever (whew!), and that these are just growin’ pains.
Lookin’ forward to the future with everyone here on the blog.
Peace
Sonny
I’m 28 and I’m only starting to figure out all the things that I want.
I think there’s a trend now… I’ve read it in a psychology magazine that for more and more people… the twenties are our exploratory years before we really decide to settle down. That’s unlike previous generations where the twenties were meant to start building the family.
Personally, I never knew what I wanted until I hit 25-26. So much possibilities… how do you make of all these choices without taking some time to explore?
David Deangelo says that when a women says she needs time to work on herself, it means she’s not attracted. But I find that wrong. I need time to work on myself and would say that to a guy I’m attracted or not attracted to. Of course I would be more tempted to go into a relationship if I’m really attracted to the man, but that might just be a crash and burn.
So my question is:
I have this online guy friend (I’m a female) and we’re two states apart. He has the whole personality package I’m attracted to and physically he is attractive also. We just started talking on the phone the other day. I’m not much of an online dater or long distance relationship person, and I’ve already made vows to stay single and work on my “inner game/confidence/self.”
Is it possible to work on yourself while being in a relationship? Should I go for it or should I give myself some time. Personally I think he needs time to get over his ex too. The other problem is, they were forced to break up by their parents, so the love he has for her is still there. If given the chance, he would be with her. Wouldn’t this become an issue, especially insecurity issues?
I’ve been going one year with no big troubles and its the best I’ve ever been but still need to work more on myself. Would a relationship ruin what I’ve built so far?
—-
sorry, repeat of what i posted in other blog post since this post is more recent.
Kismet,
I think you should be working on yourself all the time, whether you are in a relationship or not.
The only reason you should wait is if you believe you or him aren’t ready to truly commit to one another. The waiting time is really about your ability to start with him with a clean slate.
If he’s still in love with his ex… you guys should wait. But if no emotional baggage is left… you guys can start seeing each other more… knowing that you both need to really always be honest with what you both want as individuals.
I’m 17, like David Grana there. I’m pretty much still figuring out my life, and myself. Thanks for the great post!
Great blog
David,
As Yakub wrote, you really nailed it!
I’m also part of the 20’s crowd that already posted here. I’m aware that I don’t know what I want right now and I won’t know it till much later.
I’m trying to get to know me, to love me and that’s why I get so mad when my mom or granma or aunt or any other female in my family asks “So, have you got a boyfriend?”.
As David said, I do want a great relationship but not right now!!!
I hope that you guys aren’t going to get locked into one mindset before you even hit thirty! You may be surprised where life leads you and how the things that you thought were of major importance will not even be a second thought when you really hit your stride. When you consider that your brain is generally not done growing until well into your twenties, you really have to consider yourselves far ahead of the pack just by finding this site relevant to your lives.
Guys your age who may seem to be more successful than you may simply have had better social role models to observe and imitate. Anyone who has spent a fair amount of time in church activities knows what I mean. Ditto for folks with a more money who engage in social clubs for the whole family. They aren’t any better than the rest of us but they have had more exposure to good social behavior models. You have to KNOW better to DO better. And we’re here getting it for free….
OK, DAVID – there’s a theme itching to be scratched out on another blog – How about one where the guys share some of their fathers’ wisdom (or lack thereof) where life experience taught them that their fathers were right or wrong? Or where their father’s actions had to be UN-learned? Or other male role models in their lives before they left home?
“David,
As Yakub wrote, you really nailed it!
I’m also part of the 20’s crowd that already posted here. I’m aware that I don’t know what I want right now and I won’t know it till much later.
I’m trying to get to know me, to love me and that’s why I get so mad when my mom or granma or aunt or any other female in my family asks “So, have you got a boyfriend?”.
As David said, I do want a great relationship but not right now!!!”
I feel for you Gaby (I’m a guy),
Many guys out there have no idea how much women are pressured by their families on various issues…
Hey, lol – tell the family womenfolk that you are just window-shopping because you don’t want to buy into the looks-too-good-to-be-true bunch! They’ll get it…
I don’t know if David has touched the topic about the pressure society (family, friends, peers) put on you to have a partner in your live. It’d be interesting.
Thanks David. Great post.
You’re spot on about the twenties being the most emotional period. I just turned 23 last week, and as difficult as it is to admit it… it feels pretty fucked up inside. I do have trouble figuring out my place in the world and life in general.
This has really helped.
Thanks again.
I don’t know where else to post this since I don’t have access to the Forums. I didn’t find this place soon enough.
But I found this article that should be a must read for everyone, but especially perhaps for younger people in their 20s, so it’ll go here:
Why was the link removed?
Gaby, you are getting pressured?…how awful!……..my family doesn’t do that to me. If they ever do, I will hire two women and ask them to wear their sexiest outfit, and we can all go to my family reunion.
Thanks Khiem!