This might be a little harsh. In fact, what people are about to hear might be the harshest thing they’ve heard all year. Prepare yourself.
I’m sitting here with the guys and we’re talking about why women don’t approach.
Why don’t they?
Because their grandmothers taught them not to, their mothers taught them not to, and Cosmopolitan magazine taught them not to. Women just sit back.
But a woman that just sits back her entire life goes from being a hot 20-year-old to the woman in her thirties that doesn’t have kids to the woman over 40 who has cats to the woman in her fifties who thinks that all the men her age just want to date younger women to the old maid – literally. Do you remember that Old Maid game with the cards?
Here’s my thought about this: if you’re not going to either a) make yourself approachable or b) actually do some approaching, you’re never going to meet men.
But women are worried to approach a man and fulfill the stereotype of being easy. But let’s go around the table now: if a woman approaches you and starts flirting with you in the market, do you really think that she wants to have sex with you right at that moment?
Client: Naw, I’d just be happy that she came up to me!
David: Yeah, we’d all just be so amazed that she actually came over we wouldn’t actually be thinking about having sex in a sauna with her. This isn’t a bad episode of Blind Date!
I think I’ve said this before in another blog post somewhere…
As I guy, I would LOVE to get approached from time to time.
It would make my end of the dance SO much easier
You are right David! imagine that you don’t even get the time to do that infamous forward thinking. You were just there thinking about what you need to buy and suddenly a woman approaches you and starts talking, you start talking back, simple like that, with no forward thinking about sex nor anything, just enjoying the moment.
If, as a woman, you get in the habit of talking to everyone, even the men you are attracted to, talking to people doesn’t mean you’re easy, it means you are friendly.
Besides, what is wrong with being easy to get along with?
David, If only more women knew this, and they wonder why they start reaching 28, 30, 35.. and nothing is happening. Appearance for a man is important, but any man on here will tell you there is more too it. Women who are interested or looking need to be approachable or do some of the conversation starting.
Much love, Dan
I mean, the ones that I have had the best interactions with lately have been the ones that go out of their way to approach me. And considering the amount of people I approach throughout the night…that’s a big deal to me.
I’m not sure about this… perhaps it’s just me, but…
during the seasons of my life [okay... college & into my 20's] when I was bold & silly enough to talk to anyone I thought was attractive/interesting, I ended up being cast as the friend [of whoever it was that they really wanted to meet] or … little more than a place-holder, some random girl for those guys to bide their time with until the next best thing [read: prettier, sillier, more promiscuous or just plain different] came along.
perhaps that latter example speaks more to the character of the guys (and my being a bit too naive or optimistic)…
but there you go.
Not that I’m complaining – I mean – I ended up with some amazing life-long guyfriends as a result of some of those connections.
*shrug*
I don’t think any of us want to pretend to be someone we’re not just to meet someone. Otherwise [it seems to me, anyway] that 6mos, 6yrs down the line [once you finally let down the facade] you end up sitting across the table from a perfect stranger.
… right?
ANyone here listens to the pickuppodcast with AJ and Jordan?
Episode #38 interview with Kim and Kate actually covers the how tos of being more approachable to men for women.
It covers body language, conversational skills, bar/club scene logistics, frame of mind, and the belief that, for our female audience out there, true, it’s mens job to chase you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t contribute some work to make the game easier in this world of dating. Run slower and leave incentives behind the trail so it’s easier for them to get to you. If you run too fast, they might think you’re not interested and move on to someone else whos more readily available.
Alot of the shit we learn culturally is wrong and clouds are minds!
Women, give us anything! any small signal! Because if we really like you, that will calm us down, so we don’t freak you out or creep you out.
Rich: what’s a signal for you?
That’s another detail from which David could write another blog (if he already hasn’t).
Is wink a sign? To play with the hair? A smile? Or do you just wanna hear plain and bold “I like you”?
But yeah, Grandmas and that princess-waiting-for-prince idea are all lies.
So let’s get chatty!
I once watched my brother “work a room” at a cousin’s wedding reception. Within 20 minutes, he returned to the table and reported what he had learned: he knew who all of the people were on the other side of the room, what their relationship was to either the bride or groom, who were family, co-workers, or neighbors, how far they had travelled and where from, and (interestingly enough) who was single and available! We knew then how he had once returned from a class reunion with his shirt pocket FULL of women’s phone numbers! He didn’t ask for a one – they each gently stuffed it into his pocket with a smile. He showed interest and people responded. We tried to figure out how we could be from the same parents and be so different. They had different expectations for sons and daughters but we never realized it until events like this one happened in the presence of all of us. It has been the subject of a lot of hilarious conversations over the years and when I watch David’s videos, they remind me of this incident. I have found very few women over the years who can do this but those that do all seem to fit that old saying that men find nothing so interesting as a woman who is interested in them… Guys? What do you think?
This is true. Women are strongly inhibited. Even liberated, independent women such as me. I’m the woman in her 30’s who you describe; “the whole package”, yet perpetually single…and with cats. Here’s what I do:
1. men I’m attracted to: I’m paralyzed. I find the opposite corner of the room and stay there. I talk to everyone but them. I pray they don’t notice me (while secretly yearning for them to notice me). If we happen to encounter, I stammer and loose 97% of brain cells. Then run away. If they don’t make some galant gesture of unequivocal interest in pursuit (I know, I know, with nothing to encourage them but sheer and overwhelming attraction for me, sure), then I assume they’re not interested. End of story.
2. men I’m not attracted to: I’m myself! Confident, playful, conversational, engaging, and completely at ease. At the very least, I make eye contact and smile generously. And lo! They ask me out, or blush and smile back. Every time.
I just figured this out (it’s a work in progress). But I think there are a lot of women who never do.
I agree with Gaby. WHAT KIND OF SIGNALS are men looking for that show a woman is interested in them? I have recently started researching “The Dating Game”. I started reading about body language. Are men even aware of the subtle cues women are giving off that they are interested in them? Ie., Does a woman smile at you trying to make eye contact for a few moments and then glances away? Does a woman touch you on the shoulder or the arm when they are talking to you? When she sits or stands next to you does she face her body toward you or away from you? Are her arms folded? Are her arms open with palms facing upward? Does she mirror your actions? Does she actually look you in the eyes when you are talking with her, or is she scanning the room for someone more interesting? Does she talk only about herself trying to give you her entire biography?, or is she genuinely interested in you and what you are saying? Ditto for men!! Body language can speak a thousand words without uttering a sound. I don’t want to make this into a game, but I am now THAT 48 yr. old single woman with a dog, a fish, and 114 students I call my own children. (I was in a long-distance engagement to an Argentinian. That’s another chapter in my book!) Men – Now if you really want to know how to capture a woman’s attention take a lesson or two from European, Argentinian, and Latino men. They know how to get your attention and you immediately know they are interested in meeting you. I had more dates in Argentina in 1.5 yrs. than I have had in the last 5 years in the U.S.! What we in the U.S. (men and women alike) may think is too forward in trying to meet someone only makes the process move along faster! Eye contact is the biggest sign someone is interested in you! While traveling in Europe, South & Central America, and Asia I learned quickly who wanted to meet me! This kind of flirting was uncomfortable at first, but it didn’t take long to get used to it! I now miss it a lot! I don’t know if a North American man is interested in me. North American women and men are difficult to read! Being a teacher, I know I have “Dating 101″ homework to do! You can always teach this old dog new tricks!!!
¡Hasta Luego y Buena Suerte!
Ah yes… the old how to juggle the “man as hunter” with wanting a “partner” and “equality” dilemma. My friends and I go round and round on this one with experiences ranging from Jenny to K’s and everything in between. I have one friend though, who, when she wears her “open” sign, guys will bee-line across crowded bars to meet her. But when she is “closed” she is virtually invisible despite her height, natural red hair and sparkly blue eyes.
She knows its a conscious thing and literally turns it on and off at will to the envy of us all. Its all in the inner confidence/attitude and outward body language. She does the look and a second back track look, 3 second (at least) eye contact combined with Mona Lisa smile and open body language. Its magic.
Perhaps my grandmother had a leg up on the competition, but she always counseled to let the man be the hunter but make sure to “drop your hankie” in his path to give him a reason to approach. I think my friend’s approach suffices as a modern day hankie.