Your Fear Of Honesty Is Screwing You
July 29, 2010 
5 Comments
There is a word of which a lot of people are afraid: Honesty. Being honest, to me, is one of the greatest feelings in the entire world.
I always tell people that whenever you lie, you have to remember that lie. A lie has so many levels to it, and you have to remember them all when you say a lie — where you were, to whom you said that lie, the name of the person you were supposedly with or to whom you were talking. You have to create a whole story.
When you lie, you usually leave all sorts of loopholes. You always forget at least one detail. If people are really paying attention, they can easily catch you in a lie.
Being honest is one of the hardest things for people to do, especially when it comes to being honest with ourselves. There are times, particularly when you’re dating, that you need to be 100% honest both with yourself and with the person you’re dating in situations where it is not easy to be that honest.
Say you’re dating someone who wants three kids and you don’t want to have any kids. Because you are so intoxicated by her beauty, instead of being 100% honest about that you say, “You know, I think I could have kids. I really do think I might want kids.”
You have to be 100% honest at all times with yourself, because otherwise it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass. Being honest is very liberating because the more honest you are, the more honest people are going to be with you. When you have this kind of mutual honesty between you, you don’t get into nearly as many arguments.
Say your partner tells you that he wants to move out to the country, and even though you love living in the city you say that you would be happy to move to the country. When you inevitably stall about making the move, it will end up in an argument between you.
Your partner will say, “You told me you wanted to move to the country, and here we are still living in the city.” If you are (and were) being honest with yourself, you knew all along that you didn’t want to move to the country.
The only reason you said you did is that you fell in love with your partner. Instead of being honest with them and allowing them to have their dream, you lied.
Being 100% honest is really tough sometimes, because when you meet someone you think is so amazing and fantastic you really want to want the same things they do. So we will tell a little white lie, and we lie to ourselves in the process.
Then that white lie ends up putting us in a situation where we have to confront that dishonesty with ourselves. That’s where you get into a mess. It’s really important in life to be really clear about what we want.
How many kids do you truly want? There is a big difference between having one kid and having three (and an even bigger difference between having any number of kids and having no kids).
Where do you want to live? Do you want to live in the country or do you want to live in the city?
How often do you like to have sex? Sex is something you have to be this honest about too.
How many people who like to have sex four times a week get involved with someone who only likes to have sex once a week, and tell themselves they are okay with only having sex once a week. They tell themselves that it doesn’t matter.
The truth is that it does matter. I’ve been in a relationship with a person who liked to have sex a lot less than I do, and it was not okay (and mattered a lot!).
We make all sorts of compromises like this when we go into a relationship because we think to ourselves that all our our needs and desires are never going to be met in any relationship. After all, there is no ‘perfect’ partner, right?
The truth is, though, that if you listed all your needs and wants and desires, it is not that many things. You need to be on the same page with your partner in so many different ways. If you’re not, then you will find yourself in situations where you have to accept things you never wanted.
this is sooooo true, I am still working on this, I have gotten much better and it has resulted in some very positive change in my life, I have a number of female friend’s that ask my opinion all the time because they know I will be honest and it might hurt initially, in the long run they know it is best and I have there well being at heart.
they even tell some of there other male friend’s to talk to me about how to be honest with out being mean or an ass.
Jeff
Honesty,
Being able to speak your mind, no matter what. When I am honest, I am very direct in what I say, I do not like to beat around the bush.
Great blog.
Nice excercise for the remainder of the week
I think Jeff hit the nail on the head; being honest is easy as long as you’re able to do it without being intimidating or mean. It’s all about communication skills.
Good blog.
Is saying nothing, the same as not telling the truth? Many times people will just “not volunteer” their opinions, about their partners wishes and desires, to avoid having to give their opinion, to keep peace…
You raise an interesting point david, being truthful is a wonderful feeling. but when first starting out learning game, it really isn’t conducive towards getting the girl you want.
Let me explain…
When you first start out in game, you are looking to have more options with women, and hopefully, you are out to become the best version of yourself.
And just like when you learn any new skillset you have to go through a period on in-congruency in order to become good. you have to adopt behaviors, ideas and beliefs that may seem foreign to you because those are what is needed to ‘get the girl’.
(I’m not speaking specifically to routines her, but just the process of having to do and say things that are outside of your comfort zone/incongruent with your present reality.)
So in essence whilst you are learning ‘pickup’ you have to be willing to live a little lie. Ideally as you get better and understand the psychology of attraction you will become more congruent with the “new you” but until then? you have to ‘fake it till you make it.’
most guys have grown up telling the truth and getting rejected. because we live in a world where we cant just walk up to a pretty girl and say what we’re feeling/thinking without negative effects. would i rather be 100% honest and alone? or tell a little lie and be loved?
Now i don’t make these claims lightly, adn let me stress that i love to be honest with women, indeed i dislike the fact that we live in a world where we have to play so many games. I have been a member of the community for some time, i teach with some of the best, but even i know that human psychology dictates that we must lie.
Example? i recently met a girl who has totally rocked my world. I barely know her, but in the little time we spent together i have fallen hard.
This is a new feeling for me, i have been in love before but i have never felt a connection like this.
The ‘honest’ part of me wants to tell her how i feel, i want to tell her that i think she is incredible, different from everyone else.. I want to tell her that i’m falling for her.
but my experience has taught me that if i say this so early in our relationship, i will lose her. we simply don’t know each other well enough for me to be totally transparent with her. I know that there will come the perfect time to say what i truly feel, but it isn’t here yet.
So what would you say when she says “what do you think of me?”
honesty? or would you you play the game as you know you should and exercise self control in the short term, to end up with her in the long term?
honesty or the lie?