Women: Get Rid Of Your Masculine Energy
December 27, 2009 
21 Comments
Are you a woman who has too much masculine energy? If you are, then you need to get rid of a lot of that masculine energy when you are in the dating world.
Women who have a lot of masculine energy need to dress more sexy. They need to put themselves out there a little bit more.
Do you know what masculine energy is?
Masculine energy in a woman can be a woman who is very successful in her career. She competes with men all day long, so she’s basically masculine. She’s battling men all day long in the business world, so she’s masculine.
She’s looking for a raise. She has to fight her boss, so she’s masculine.
When she goes on a date, she takes that same masculine with her, and takes the guy’s balls and chops them into a million little pieces. When a man is trying to flirt with a woman on a date who has a lot of masculine energy, she basically ends up going into interrogation mode.
She will talk to him the same way she would talk when she’s trying to negotiate a business deal. She doesn’t bring out her feminine energy.
So what is feminine energy and what does it look like on a date? Feminine energy is dressing sexy, flirting with the guy, leaning in when he talks and looking directly in his eyes. Those are one part of it.
Another part of it is learning how to throw a bone to a guy every so often, and then making sure he jumps on it. Learn how to give a man clues, and give him the opportunity pick up on them and take the lead.
That’s how a woman should act around a man. Throw a bone then allow him to lead. You want him to take action.
You don’t want to be the one taking the action all the time. Every time you take action, you emasculate him.
I mean, most guys may not initially see it like that, but eventually it will deteriorate the type of relationship you have. If you want a “guy’s guy,” you have to give him a bone every so often and make sure he picks up on it.
Now I know there are some people reading this right now who are mistakenly thinking that I am telling women to be passive and submissive to men. I am actually saying the opposite.
A big part of feminine energy is being open. It is also being the decision-maker in terms of choosing men with whom you want to be willing at times to be led. It’s allowing yourself to surrender at appropriate moments.
So how do you develop your feminine energy, and feel amazing and sexy in your own skin? Take a look at your body type. Â Take a look at the type of woman you are. Â
Start looking through magazines which contain pictures of women with your body type. If you’re a little heavier, look at magazines that have heavier women in there so you can see how they dress sexy. Â
Go to a store and get a makeover. Â Find a way that you can express your sexuality. Â
Men are attracted to all body types. The key thing here, though, is that men are attracted to sexy women of all body types. Â
So women really need to explore that a little bit more, so that they can use their feminine energy when they start flirting with men. Doing that will get you noticed so much more — and you, as a woman, will also start to have a lot more fun in your dating life.
David,
I agree that women need to bring out their feminine energy if they have too much masculine energy. I think the key is to balance the two, but it isn’t always easy to find that balance.
I once had a boyfriend who said of me, “she’s a trooper – I can go scuba diving, windsurfing, snowboarding, etc. with her – but she also smells like pretty flowers.” So, being able to balance our strong, independent, trooper natures with sexy, smiling, nurturing, smelling-and-looking-good natures is the key, right?
At the coffee shop I work at, I see all kinds of women. It is located in an upper-middle class area. Some are quite obviously single and have a great energy/presence from their dress and way they conduct themselves.
Others however definately need to have a talk with their girlfriends about body language and dress. Sweat pants and t-shirts on a regular basis have me wondering… Did she mistake the coffee shop for her gym class?
I always try and look good, regardless. It is a simple step which says alot about who you are. I used to shun fashion but now realize dressing classy is only going to help you. It says: I care about and respect myself. 1 small step which can go a long way.
I’m not sure what to make of this post, but it does make me uncomfortable. There is a reason I don’t “dress sexy” at work, and that has nothing to do with a desire to be seen as masculine, but everything to do with my desire to have my sexuality and gender left out of my work relations, because they are of no consequence in that setting. It makes me very uncomfortable to hear you say that going about my job as a manager in a company in an appropriate business setting proscribes me some masculine affectation – can’t I be both a professional and a woman at the same time? And can I not, therefore, be a professional and a woman AND desirable to men after work at the same time? This sounds too close to the old “woman’s work vs. man’s work” for comfort for me.
That said, I hear your point about not bringing work home with you (or on a date), and I think this applies to both genders. It’s always inappropriate to interview someone on a date as if grilling them for an upper level sales position. And I understand that men have an innate need to “do for” women at times and that finding balance in making choices helps fill their desire to feel needed. I think balance is key, though, and in order to NOT be passive little mice, women need to feel free to share in those choices, too. The sentence “Every time you take action, you emasculate him”, makes it sound like women can NEVER be an equal, active party, and that bothers me. Isn’t balance enough?
Kelly,
It feels like you are over analyzing what he’s saying.
Let me give you a scenario to possibly clarify things a bit. I ask you out. We start deciding what we would like to do, together. Are you more likely to tell me exactly what you want to do, or are you more likely to give me a list of things you would enjoy that opens up possibilites for me to choose the exact thing?
Good example, we decide we want to go see a movie. Do you tell me that you want to see ‘Sherlock Holmes’ at a specific AMC, or are you more likely to say that you would enjoy seeing several different movies, leaving the final decisions of which movie and where, up to me?
See the difference? In the second one, you are allowing the guy to take the lead and feel more like a man, instead of basically taking all the decision on yourself and making him wonder why you are letting him tag along for the ride, as your sidekick.
Beyond that, it’s mainly about allowing yourself to relax into being a woman, and being comfortable with being a woman.
I hope that makes more sense.
James,
That is entirely possible – I have been known to over analyze.
It just gave me a strange feeling when I read it, initially.
I think my issue is with ascribing masculine vs. feminine traits to issues I see as basic politeness with other human beings. Of course being polite, open, and thoughtful will make one more attractive. Of course I would go into a date with options and be open to my date’s opinion on ideas of what to do, and I’d be especially keen to gauge his feedback as the date goes on, because presumably his opinion matters to me. I would also do that if I were making plans with my girlfriends, or with guy friends, or colleagues at work. I would be equally put off if the man, after setting a date with me, told me what to do, what to wear, and where we were going without soliciting my opinion in any way (and, yes, it’s happened.)
I hope I’m making sense here. I think we’re both on the same page that a partnership is desirable, and that openness is key to attracting positivity in dating situations…I’m just recoiling a bit that being kind and open is my Job As A Woman and that it’s what defines my femininity, since I just don’t see this as a masculine vs. feminine issue. Isn’t that both of our jobs, after all, not as men and women, but as human beings?
Kelly,
In regards to one thing you said about a guy calling you up and telling you what to wear, what to do etc…I feel that when you really like someone and open yourselves to them, then when they do something like that, you know that they have your best interests in mind and will not harm/abuse you. When that is the case, a man telling a woman what to do in that way is sexy, even more sexy when she doesn’t question him and just comes along for the ride. A good man will make your submission to him one of the most worthwhile things you could ever do.
Which woman wouldn’t like that?
Great topic. This is something I’ve noticed a lot with women I’ve been meeting. It’s a huge turn-off. I think most women who give off this masculine energy don’t know they are doing it. Oftentimes it is because the man in her life doesn’t actually behave like a man, and she compensates by taking the lead. After a while they just stay in masculine mode all the time.
For those interested in this topic, I highly recommend checking out David Deida’s stuff. He has a book on masculine energy (The Way of the Superior Man) that explores this topic in great depth.
*raises hand* Me. I wouldn’t like that. I do not need anyone dictating to me what to wear, say, or think. I am a grown adult. There is a line between being agreeable and being passive, between being open and accessible and being controlled. Giving up control in the bedroom, say, with trust and parameters established, is sexy, in part because it is the illusion of giving up control. No one’s safety is actually compromised, but the game is very sexy. Telling someone how to behave on a first or second date is controlling and disturbing, not least because we don’t have any established trust yet, and women are physically vulnerable in early dating situations and should not go into a situation that is a complete unknown. What I’ve been trying to discuss in my response to this post is where that line is, and whether David et al truly believe that gender roles still mandate a passive manipulation from women at all times rather than a balance of power and choices – taking turns, looking out for each other, etc.
That said, I’m clearly not making my point well and will leave you all to it, since I may be the only one interested in this particular of the discussion.
@ James Y If someone asked me out to see a movie and I wanted to see a particular movie, I would say so. Why muck around with a list and hope he picks the right title? That’s just silly. If he wants to see a different movie, he should say so. We could discuss it, or maybe I could go see the movie I wanted on my own and he could see the movie he wanted on his own and we could decide to do something else we both enjoyed together. Or not, if he’s so intent on “being a man” and not having me “emasculate” him because I gave a direct response to a direct question. Just sayin’.
Haha nice post there, really love your personality
Hi
I really enjoyed this article. It’s a concept I hadn’t even heard about. I’m one of these girls that gives off a lot of masculine energy. I work in an environment where I’m the only woman in a room full of men and don’t mind it at all. I grew up surrounded by boys who were essentially like my “troops”. As the tomboy who grew into an attractive woman, it’s easy for me to look feminine but in conversations I’m usually the lead and in relationships I take over. I’m trying to soften up so that I can be in a great relationship without threatening their masculinity with my overly confident sense of self.
My problem with this entire thing isn’t the masculine feminine energy concept in theory, it’s that submissions is purely aligned with the idea of femininity. Is it really emasculating for a man if I don’t greet him as the docile picture of submission? Does a man that needs to constantly be reinforced in his masculinity even count as masculine?
I can’t imagine living a life the way this article suggests. I’m all for embracing the nurturing, opening, and comforting traits of the female psyche, but I believe having a man dictate to me the way in which I should live my life would eat away at any emotional attachment I may feel for him. I love to cook and take care of my father and boyfriend, but I would never be able to accept blatant and unjustified dominance in a relationship; what would make my boyfriend’s opinion any more relevant or correct than mine, his genitalia?
May – the reason this article doesn’t resonate with you is that you don’t have the masculine energy David is talking about. I’m working with some women who really do embody this. They are very bossy and directive and can’t understand why they aren’t attracting men they can love and respect. The only ones they are attracting are wimpy men. I explained to them that they are attracting feminine men and that they will not be happy with these men, so in order to attract a masculine man, they will have to change themselves. Well, this is easier said than done!!
The reason I looked up this article was to get a few ideas to help them. I am having them go back in their lives to where they started feeling that they had to take charge and be the boss. Generally, there are some Daddy issues here. They were not boys, so they have to act like boys. My challenge is to help them change this way of acting. I have both a girl and a boy and both sexes of children are wonderful and very different. What I have to do with these women is to help them realize how beautiful, smart, funny and wonderful girls are (boys are, too, but that isn’t an issue here). For whatever reason, these girls never felt that inside where it counts. I have a way of handling this with them, but that’s another topic.
Ashton,
I think what you wrote about women and their daddy issues was very astute and I am in the midst of unlearning many things in how I act as a woman that has to do around this very topic. I know that I want a masculine man but due to a combination of many things stated in the above blog thread I am finding it incredibly challenging to not “jump” into overgiving too soon, being directive, etc. It is a fascinating and wonderful experience for me to be learning how to be feminine in a way that will bring me a masculine loving man that I can have the intimacy and life with that I deeply desire. I am just a couple of months into this experience and I am using support from several sources to achieve this shift in my life. I feel so blessed to have come to the understanding that it was what I have been doing that has been getting what I have been getting and that I just need to learn because I was never taught. That simple…life is a wonderful feedback loop that directs you to the next indicated steps. I am in the process of loving myself enough to give myself the support and practice until I get the desired result. It helps that I have had several lovely men in my life, have a wonderful grown daughter that I worked very hard to raise well, and am at a place where this is the next gift I can work co-creating with my life to get a different result.
I found that I had toooo much feminine energy but it changed over time and now I have tooo much masculine. I am having a hard time balancing the two. The last couple relationships I was in I now realize the men had more of a feminine energy and what I want is a man with more masculine energy. I think the last two relatinships therefore caused me to have more masculine energy. So my task right now is to try and tap more into my feminine energy.
I’m with Kelly and May on this one.
Ashton, imo you’re being a little too condescending.
Solid (if a little simplistic) article, found via search on ‘controlling women’. I did throw in Daddy issues (and it was Ashton’s post that mentioned it). I have been engaging for about a year with a woman who is very successful, smart, talented and attractive. We have a deep soul connection that I felt within the first 10 minutes of talking with her (and right when I saw her). I have done a lot of inner work and continue to. While not ‘all figured out,’ I admit when I’m in self-delusion or am willing to have someone point it out to me. I do the same in exchange. I used to be the consummate Nice Guy and paid horribly for it. Over 15 year since high school, I grew a pair, found a calling/purpose that provides meaning for my life (yes, very masculine), and started to not make my life revolve around women, responding to every email/text/call. I self-validated, saw my own Mommy/Daddy issues and was able to forgive them and myself for ‘not being perfect.’ They just did their best and I could forgive them for being human.
Whew, ramble much?
Fast forward to this situation. This woman is really amazing in many ways, but I sensed this over-assertiveness, a need to be strong and determined and prove herself, etc. etc. We were in a workshop centered on tapping into your own power/truth/love so it was an awesome opportunity to connect in an authentic way. I could feel that she was avoiding physical intimacy while wanting to control how conversations went, needing to add a witty remark, etc. I probably sound whiny and God I hope that isn’t actually the case. I’m pointing out what I felt. I’ve been with women who were very feminine, soft, *and* brilliant. Their intelligence was actually more understated than overstated. I realized how *wise* they were, and how powerful. They made me want to “be a better man” as the great expression goes.
I’ve dated quite a few women and have to say, as I’ve gotten more in touch with my masculinity I immediately can sense a woman who is strong in her feminine power and also comfortably masculine (to a far lesser extent than me) vs. a woman who would rather *not* be the vulnerable/open/inviting feminine and hides behind an attitude that is almost desperately crying out “Love me, accept me, validate me!”
Needed to express this tonight. I will likely bring this topic up with her and tell her how I feel. We do communicate well, thankfully.
I don’t agree that women with “masculine energy” has daddy issues. That is just generalizing a whole group of women who actually are just born with leadership qualities.
It’s sad that women who know what they want and say what’s on their mind are “unattractive”. I think that’s far from the truth. I, myself am someone who speaks up, says what’s on my mind, and still have lots of men chasing after me.
I think what you are trying to say is that all men and women should be wise and humble towards each other. Respecting each other is important- but that doesn’t have to do with women blindly submitting to men so that men can find them attractive.
I think a woman who knows and loves herself is more attractive than a woman who tries to “act feminine” (whatever your definition is).
Also how about men who have too much “feminine energy”? Isn’t the reason women have become “dominant” because men won’t step up, won’t decide, are insanely indecisive, and don’t know what the heck they want?
I don’t believe any of you are wrong here. It just depends on what your desired outcome in a relationship is. It’s not wrong to be a woman with male-energy, but you will always attract the man who is more “feminine-energy” which is also not wrong and works great for a lot of couples.
And, I agree if these personalities are used to an extreme or in a narcissistic way, one is crossing the line and being controlling or using the other person.
I am reading a book that beautifully illustrates and explains this proven method of masculine and feminine energy and knowing how to obtain a healthy, balanced and long-lasting relationship. It’s called “Getting to I Do” by Marianne Williams. Very enlightening!
Great discussion… I enjoyed reading everyone’s perspective on this topic. My idea is more philosophical and is about the broader question of humans of both genders, their dualities and everything inbetween. Traditionally there have been very distinct roles that a man and a woman served in a partnership. Back in old society, when women didn’t work and did not have rights, weren’t allowed input into the finances or even had legal entitlement to assets if there were seperation or death of the male provider… women were given the duties of child bearing, manageing the household and appeasing her spouse. Men also weren’t respected if they displayed a free-spirit. This was in the time when african americans didn’t have the same rights as caucasian. Times have changed in the first world. Tradition is questioned and scrutinized more than ever, and thank god for that. With that being said, I question the authenticity of such accepted ideas that women and men are inheritely different to their deepest core. Afterall, isn’t the soul and essence of a human all the same? Arn’t men and women both capable of the same range of emotions and thought? I know men who, if you were to record their most prominent attributes on paper, would be considered feminine. I also know women who live lives that, a hundred years ago, would have been only acceptable by a male. But she is fully capable. What is wrong with any of that? Who decides how these people should act? I think the enlightened and more intelligent a human, the more the polarities blur, and you’ll find strong, driven men who also have intuition and strong sensitivities, aswell as nuturing, open, beautiful women who can lead in the work place. The spirit is genderless. It would be a waste of what you are if you were to change yourself into an out-dated ideal that predates your birth. Tradition is irrelevant. Women with strong masculine energy, if that is who you are and that is who you want to be, don’t ever compromise that for a man who wants to dictate. Instead, find a man who will be attracted to you exactly as you are. And men too, if you are the sensitive type, don’t ever play games or alter yourself into pretending to be an alpha male on a date. Anyone who tries too hard just ends up looking like a jackass. We can’t all be the same. We are all human beings, so BE.