Why Do They Act That Way?
February 21, 2010 
35 Comments
You get in a fight with your partner. They did something that really angered you. You didn’t like their behavior or the way they treated you.
Whatever it was that they did, has that ever caused you to basically mirror that behavior back to them? Then you start blaming them for being the way that you are at that moment. You start getting angry at them for making you this way.
Sometimes you just can’t handle the way someone is processing something because it is not the way you would process it. They might process things negatively. They might process things positively.
There are so many different ways that people process things. If your partner processes things differently than you do, however, it might freak you out because it will feel like the person you’re with is disconnected from you.
It doesn’t mean that they stopped loving you. They might be unable to show you love at that moment or give you the love you need at that moment, but that doesn’t mean that they ever stopped loving you.
It’s just that right at that moment they need to process something in an entirely different way than you do. They are not getting space, but they really need space.
It is so important to give someone space in this situation. I know it’s hard because they might act mean or might be irritable. You’ve got to realize, though, that if they are taking the time (and the space) they need to process something, it is because they love you and want things to work out with you.
Now, there is a distinction between needing space to process and pulling back. If someone acts like this — mean and irritable — for weeks and weeks, then it’s not processing. It’s pulling back.
When someone’s actions cause you to feel stress, pain and anguish, what do you do? Most of us tend to mirror that person’s behaviors. You give them a taste of their own medicine and you act the way they’ve been acting.
You basically give them back what they’ve been giving you, and you rehash everything. The problem is that rehashing is poison. It is not healthy at all.
It is not healthy to rehash with all the “You-did-this-No-you-did-that” kind of talk. All you’re doing is rehashing the poison.
Maybe they didn’t do things the way you wanted to do it. Maybe they didn’t process things the way you wanted.
They may not come around until a day or two later, but isn’t love about forgiving? Isn’t love about understanding each other and being able to handle each other in ways that get us outside our comfort zone?
Love is about being able to say in that moment, “That’s just Bob (or Mary), and I can see by their behavior that that this is how they handle things. They’re trying to work on it but, in the meantime, it might still happen again. Nobody’s perfect.” Think about all of this for a minute.
Great post!
Todays post brings the question back to me.
I think its very important that we don’t react to things right away, its better to understand first before getting angry or make things worse.
Personally for me i have always learned to rehash poison, and I can see how bad it can be.
David-No one’s perfect and we get so caught in our head about things that just make no sense. But its too late when you realize that we made a mistake. We can never change the past, but we can change the now. So being in the present is so darn important!
Man that’s the next level for me, I want to really fall in love. I just can’t seem to find that one great woman!
Is there anyone to talk to here? Everyone has given up on me. I can only graduate high school with a maximum 3.2 or 3.3 GPA. I have all the wrong talents. I sit and contemplate what I could be doing, but ultimately decide that there is no sensible reason to make an attempt, and I wonder why every attempt to do something extraordinary is futile. A gift of words is a useless one. It’s too much all at one time. People are ferocious and merciless. I could be fine tomorrow, I could be sad tomorrow. Why does the latter have to constantly return and continue to beat me down? I’m harmless. I don’t decieve. I’ve made progress, great progress, but can someone tell me how to straighten things out? Can someone teach me how to communicate, how to work at something? No one can tell me everything is going to be fine. If I had anywhere else to go, I wouldn’t be here.
Thanks David for writing this post. In the heat of a moment its easy to break down bridges, but takes time to heal things, and you are right been able to forgive helps to let go of that moment.
Drew, a 3.2 GPA is far from the end of the world. Sure it won’t get you into Harvard, but you can still get into a pretty good state school and get a good job. You’re in your head too much. Relax and spend some time figuring out what you’re passionate about. You’re only gonna work hard for what you really want.
Drew,
What’s your real question? What are you asking us to help you with?
Collin, I was hoping to go to a school out of this state.
Khiem, I just want to know how I can make people start to see me as a normal person, and I want to know if I can achieve some kind of friendship and female companionship. I also want to know if I’ll ever be able to become a filmmaker, if I’ll ever be happy and have these things I want so badly. But no one can answer this, and that’s what upsets me.
Drew, I always wanted to go to school out of state. I ended up not doing that though because it’s just too much money to go out of state. I’m only an hour away, but I don’t have to hang out with or see people from high school either, which is a huge plus haha.
And as to your questions, you have to not only be willing to work at it, but you have to actually work at it. It isn’t easy. Honestly, I found success with girls to be easier than learning how to build friendships. Can you become a filmmaker? I don’t know. There’s a lot of luck required for that. But you can definitely achieve everything else if you work at it and let these guys help you.
I find it unlikely that anyone here would go out of their way to help me. I’m just a kid with a little hope. Nothing special.
Drew:
I’ve been reading your posts and I think I can relate to you a bit from my past experiences. I also think that there are many people here who can and are willing to help you. But in order to do so, you need to answer Khiems question.
If we can narrow it down to a list of very specific things that will help you achieve your needs and goals, what would those things be?
Drew:
Just read your last comment… if only you were here… I would slap you good in the hopes of waking you out of the reality you’ve created for yourself. If you think you have no hope and no one can or is willing to help, then it is so. If you think the opposite, then it will be so as well!
Like I said earlier, I’ve been reading your posts and I know that other people have tried to reach out and showed that they care.
Please allow yourself to be happy.
Thanks, Gerardo. But I honestly have lost hope. I will be entering an industry eventually where luck is my only hope.
Here’s some kind of list of questions I must have answered:
1. How can I stop appearing weird or odd?
2. How can I stop fearing what others think of me?
3. Is there any possibility that I will ever be successful at what I want more than anything (a career in filmmaking)?
4. Having I painted myself into a corner that I cannot escape from as a result of previous social mishaps?
5. How long would it take me to get a girlfriend?
I know I’m handsome, I know I’m intelligent, I know I’m a sexual person, but, to be brutally honest, I’m an upsettingly eccentric individual.
Hey Drew,
Thanks for replying back bro. The questions you are stating are easier to understand and easier to breakdown
Question 1: How exactly are you appearing weird or odd? There are all kinds of people out there (specially in this awesome country), so technically, no one could really be considered “abnormal”. Now, there is such a thing as not fitting in with a certain group, but that’s ok and normal. Can you elaborate a bit more about what you mean by “weird/odd” and what makes you feel this way?
Question 3: My friend, luck is a skill!
Just about every single one of us gets “lucky breaks” once in a while in different aspects of our lives, however, we may not always be able to recognize them or to take advantage of the situation. See if you can figure out the specific skills that will help you be successful in your field (e.g. scriptwriting, interviewing actors, fund-raising, filming, directing, selling your pitch, operating equipment, how to properly create your filming crew, marketing, etc.) And while you create this list, don’t just look at the skills necessary to produce a movie, be sure to include skills necessary to have start and run a successful business venture (each movie is in itself a business venture) and the social skills needed in order to reach the people you need to reach (from your audience to your actors, investors and other team members).
This is a daunting task, but if you can generate a list and start working at things bit by bit everyday, you’ll start to see some results pretty soon (you won’t see the pyramid completed for a few/several years, but you will see a new stone being put into place every day if you keep working at it).
Also, one more thing in regards to your professional career. Don’t get so hanged up on one thing! I’m not telling you to give it up, far from that, see if you can figure out what it is that you like about film-making. It could be that you are attracted to this career because of one aspect of it or one of its synergies. The vice-chancellor of my old college told me how in his youth he lived, ate and breathed basketball. He was a famous player in college basketball in his time and he would have never imagined himself away from the sport. At the time he told me the story he told me that he had not played basketball in over 20 years (his age and physical ability had something to do with it). However, he had found out after having to quit basketball, that what made him truly happy were sports and physical activity (he could no longer play basketball but there were plenty of sports and activities that he could do at just about any age). Thus, basketball made him happy because it was in synergy with the thing that truly made him happy. Does this story make sense? Are there specific aspects of film making that really excite you more than the other parts?
Writing and filming to create new people and new characters is like playing God. It’s thrilling because storytellers have always been some of the most if not the most influential people in human history. What’s the most influential medium? Feature films. I have such a passion for great language and deeply strange characters, as well as choosing what people will and won’t see, being the eyes and the mind. I cannot imagine myself doing anything else. And it’s not simply about achieving, it’s about doing something radically different and effective. I love making people happy, and I love making them think.
I don’t look odd. It’s my mannerisms. I’m actually kind of a stylish, preppy dresser.
There’s just something inside me that I want to release through relationships.
Question 4: When you were a baby, and you were learning how to walk, you fell. You fell many many times. And I’m sure sometimes you got hurt. Its a good thing that back then you didn’t let the past hold you back, isn’t it?
Just about everybody has made mistakes or has had bad experiences in their past. No matter how mean some people can be, none of them spend their full day remembering the mistakes that others have made. Only WE keep reminding ourselves the past, and letting it affect our present (Wygant calls it “monkey chatter” – check out some of the past blogs on this subject
.) Why is this? When exactly did we learn to be so critical of ourselves? This is one skill that many of us have acquired, practiced for many years, and sharpened like razor. Why though?
Drew, the past does not equal the present!
And no matter how bad of an environment you have created for yourself, you have the ability to create a new one! If you are in a corner, walk out of it or make it the coolest corner to be at!
If you are outside, walk in or throw a party outside! 
If the door you are knocking at does not open, knock louder or make yourself a building filled with doors you can open and that other people can knock at! 
I don’t have any false pretense. I just want to make beautiful pictures.
But people don’t know what to make of me. I know you’re right, though.
Cool man, lets elaborate more on what you want in regards to your career/life.
You mention influence. Why? Is it because you are looking to be remembered for a long time by many people? Or perhaps because you want to change something something? Why is having influence so important to you? How can you achieve influence through a film and out of a film?
By the way, films are actually kinda new in the history of mankind and influence
. And as awesome as they can be, I’m not sure yet of how long these will last. Not telling you to give it up at all, but rather, be sure to also look at other stuff when it comes to influence and change (songs, tv shows, books/texts – heck I can think of several books/texts that have influenced thousands of people and have been around for hundreds of years, some even thousands 
– political movements, social movements, etc.). While you explore other options you could end up finding something you like more or you could end up getting an idea to make you better at films 
You also mentioned you like making people happy
. Lets elaborate on this as well. Who do you like making happy? Is it a few important people around you, just about anyone you encounter, or the masses? And why? How would you like to make them happy? Through entertainment, by helping them out with personal problems, or perhaps by making this a better world to live in?
What do you mean with “they don’t know what to make of you?”
Have you figured out what kind of person you are/want to be? Have you defined the characteristics that resonate the most with you and made them part of your personality? And are you showing these things to other people?
You’re very right, film is new, but I think the writing and filming process is here to stay for a while, even if the commercial feature film wanes.
I want people to see that there are many kinds of people, and so many others have things to offer. And maybe someone might even be inspired, someone like me.
I want to make money, and after I become fairly wealthy, I’d like to sleep, write, and have sex in my free time. But I’ll never stop working.
This may sound like a ludicrous comparison, but I see myself as being a George Clooney meets Christopher Lloyd as Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Incredibly charming, but slightly mad. Maybe I’d even be rather reclusive eventually, but not out of fear, and not as a young man.
K, so you are saying that you are like a George Clooney that can travel through time… DANG! How come I never thought of that description for myself before!!?
I also want to be wealthy, and I have wanted this for a while. However, when I analyzed my initial reasons for wanting to be wealthy I discovered that I didn’t need to be wealthy to do all the things I wanted to do.
Brother, if you wait till you are wealthy to do the things you mentioned above you are going to be one crazy insomniac!
Ok, jokes aside. You can very well do the things you mentioned while not having a penny to your name. Heck, if you have the right skill set, you be completely broke and do just anything you would need to money for at no monetary cost to you
Money is a fictitious idea that we created to assign value to things and create an equal trading ability. What is ultimately real and valuable is what you can do (which you can trade for money or for other things). Ever heard of Emperor Norton? 
He was the only emperor that the U.S. has ever had 
Google him up for one heck of a story! 
K, its getting past my bedtime now, but before I leave, I want you to tell us one specific thing you are going to start doing to get one of the things you want to get out of life.
It doesn’t have to be big, but it does have to be the first step in a staircase towards a bigger goal. And you have to stick to it!
So what is it going to be?
PS. What do you like your friends to call you? Drew?
I want to be known. And I rEally want a girl. I mean, how can I just approach a girl I don’t even know at school? I could do it anywhere else but there. What if someone I’ve
messed up with before sees me?
Just Drew.
Maybe I’ll start applying the things Mr. Wygant suggests more actively around other peppe and women. Also, I want to get organized. Thanks for your help. Hope to talk to you soon.
K, Drew.
It was great talking with you bro, I’m looking forward to continuing our book-long chats over the next few days
Take care bro
PS. Don’t worry so much about what others may think
Just enjoy the moment! 
I just wanted to say that I love how supportive people are on this site. In the age of anonymous bullies, it’s great to see that someone can here and post something off-topic, and instead of getting yelled at, people are still willing to help. That’s so refreshing.