The following is a transcription of an actual one-on-one coaching interaction I had with a client at a recent Bootcamp. This, by the way, is an excellent example of the individual coaching every coaching clients get!
So here’s something I said to a recent client who was very anxious about approaching women. He was also very nervous about what would happen if he did approach them, and about how they would react. Here’s what I said to him:
Think about this. Every time you approach a woman, it’s like you’re doing it as a child would do it. Do you remember when you were a child and your mother would say, “Alright, before I get home tonight you have to clean your room. If you don’t clean your room, you won’t be able to watch TV?”
So what did you do? You cleaned your room, because you knew that you’d be rewarded for it. You might have kicked all your clothes under the bed to get that job done, but the bottom line was you did whatever it took to earn that reward.
Now, because of that social conditioning, whenever you walk over to a woman you are still completely attached to the outcome of the encounter.
At work if you wanted to become a partner, there were certain conditions you had to meet. As you met all of those conditions, you would think, “Okay, check. I did it,” but then they would mind-f*^k you a little more by making you do more things before they would make you partner.
When you finally did make partner, though, do you remember how you felt? It was a reward, right? You thought, “Yay! I made partner!”
Here’s the thing: Our whole life is about rewards. At work if you bring in a lot of money, it means that you had a good month. Everyone has a different agenda.
Salesmen have sales quotas. Copywriters want their sales pages to make a lot of money. If these things don’t happen, people will think “What did I do wrong? Where is the reward?”
Everything is about the reward. If you eat well for a day and then get on the scale, what happens next? You might lose a pound. That’s a reward.
Everything in life is a reward EXCEPT interactions with people. We have to stop being so selfish.
When you see somebody you’re interested in, why don’t you pay them a nice compliment just for the sake of being nice? People always expect something back.
Men and women will stand there like a little kid waiting for something in return when they make a gesture to each other. So you walked over to somebody. Congratulations! So then you stand there, expecting to be rewarded with a phone number or a date . . . or with sex?
Sex is certainly not a reward. A lot of “nice guys” are conditioned to believe that if they do nice things (or do all the right things), that they will be rewarded with sex. It doesn’t work that way.
Here is the way life really works. You know what you know, and you have to be okay with that and with whatever sensations are going through your body and whatever ideas are going through your head.
Being in a situation where we don’t know about something brings us anxiety. We always like to be in control of the situation.
It is an anxious moment for a lot of guys to go over and approach a woman. It’s an anxious moment for a lot of guys to just walk up to a woman and pay her a nice compliment.
The truth is that many women get their validation from someone paying them those kind of compliments. If you think about it, when you give a woman a compliment you are actually giving her a reward. She wants to be noticed, so when someone appreciates her it is a reward.
Deepak Chopra wrote that every day you should commit one random act of kindness or pay one compliment to a total stranger, and expect nothing in return. When you expect nothing back, you get everything back.
Instead of seeking a reward, just walk up to somebody and compliment them. Say, “Wow, that is a great shirt on you” or “Wow, you have a great pair of legs.” Whatever it is – it doesn’t matter. Then continue on with your business.
Make it seem like you’ve always laid those compliments out there, so it doesn’t appear to be something that is totally new. This will help get over that anxiety.
Great blog today.
I think the guy should have a vagina trophy in his hand. That would be a PUA gay ass thing to have.
I was at the PUA summit yesterday. You were by far the best speaker and the only guy who was mature.
What the fuck is wrong with PUA guys. They think women are robots like there computers.
Fuck them all what a bunch of total losers anyone who thinks like a PUA should just go GAY!
If you are focused on the process and not the result, then you find enjoyment just by living the process and the result got nothing to do with your enjoyment. It’s really a shift of you mindset to just enjoying the moment and the process and not thinking about the future/result if guy getting the girl.
If your mindset is if I do nice things then I will be rewarded by the girl. Then your reasoning for doing nice things are purely self fish, and in reality not a true “nice” guy.
Thanks David for giving us another great topic to ponder about.
Can I say, nice football picks again this week! Keep them coming
I had to laugh at Tom’s comment about the vagina trophy. If there was a movie called “PUA: The Movie”, that image would be on the poster. I’ve also noticed that David seems more down to earth than a lot of the other guys with products out there. There always seems to be some kind of drama going on with the other guys like feuds or ego issues or whatever. Aside from some digs at the pua thing in general I don’t recall any guru-bashing in these blogs. Thanks for keeping it civil, David.
And David, I second Joe’s comment. Nice football picks. Did you sit Gore in your fantasy league today?
Nice picks David
Thanks Tom for checking out the summit yesterday!!!
ALways fun to hang out with some really great guys.
Brian
I did not sit Gore but on my way to my 2nd victory.
He had Larry Johnson and only got a point from him so they evened out.
All I can say is gotta love Rex Ryan!!
Joe
6-0 now on the year!!!!
I know the GIants and Ravens were easy picks but you gotta love the Lions today……that was a long time coming
Rex Ryan taking on the Saints next week, I’m looking forward to this one. Saints first real test.
Greg
Its the battle in my house as well….My GF is a Saints fan and I am a Jets fan.
Trash talking all week!
it’s articles like this that remind me why i come to this site, truly makes me think. Great post today.
Again another great post. About having no expectations in return, I don’t remember who told me exactly but it was something like:”you’re 18 and you can make many mistakes and learn from them at this age” .So yea is it ok to make many mistakes and experiment if you learn from them? For example maybe you said a compliment to someone but you were stressed of even scared of him/her and said something stupid. Don’t care and maybe next time you will pull it off
Hope that made sence…
Good judgment is
the result of bad judgments, learned.
LOL Tom, I gotta say, I love your comment about the PUA Summit. So did you stay all of Sunday? What did you think of it by the end of the day?
I’ve been reading about the “Mystery Method” over the last few weeks…It seems like that routine will only work with half drunken 20 year old girls in bars/clubs.Besides it’s too much to remember…fake stories,touch escalation (with a high five!) teasing,more touching,kiss closing ect… I’m getting a headache,I can’t take this anymore!…where’s my gun?
~
Anyhow, not saying that stuff doesn’t work,but do that if your looking for a one night stand from a girl in a bar or club,but your wife is waiting for you to talk to her in the ice cream isle