WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEN GONE?
September 25, 2007 
125 Comments
WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEN GONE?
By, The Foxy Blonde
Readers, I’ve got a problem and I need your help. David has graciously offered you up as a sounding board, and I’m counting on you. Here goes. I’m in my mid-30s, single and looking for a relationship. I know I’m not the only woman out there in this position. An entire TV show, Sex and The City, was based on this very premise. So logically, there ought to be some men out there for me, let’s say 35 to 45, who are also single and dateable. Except that there aren’t. None at all. If you don’t believe me, let me prove it to you. I can divide all the 35 to 45-year-old men of the world into five neat categories of hopelessness:
1. EARLY MARRIED GUY: Some guys are born to get married. They sow their wild oats in college, spend a few years kick-starting their careers, turn 26 and then – Bam! – pop the question to the first nice girl they meet. Mr. Early Married has never felt the painful pangs of commitment phobia. He knows what he wants, whether it’s 2.5 kids and a 2-car garage or 2 kids and a 2.5 car garage. You gotta love Early Married Guy. You just can’t date him. Unless, he moves into category #2…
2 BITTER DIVORCED GUY: Sure, half of all marriages end in divorce. But these divorces don’t restock the dating pool with fresh water – more like toxic waste. Meet Bitter Divorced Guy! So disappointed by the failure of his marriage, he lets one bad apple spoil the whole bunch. More bluntly, he thinks having a bitch ex-wife means all women are bitches. Bitter Divorced Guy is angry. He should not be allowed to date without years of therapy. But there he is, eager to get back at his ex-wife and the world at large by screwing you over. Avoid at all costs.
3. BACHELOR FOR LIFE GUY: Maybe this guy never wanted to get married. Or maybe he just missed the window. Either way, he’s realized that life is easier for him if he goes it alone. He can play video games with his friends, spend his money on giant televisions and jet skis, buy a pit bull, decorate in black leather, wear the same underwear for three days straight, and No One Will Say Anything. No woman equals no nagging and no judgment. As a bonus, he can sleep around with women 20 years younger, but that’s almost missing the point. Mr. Bachelor is so set in his ways that the moment you ask him to forgo a boys’ fishing weekend to attend your own sister’s wedding, you’ve become too needy. See ya.
4. BIGGER BETTER DEAL GUY: This guy probably started out normal. He might have even been a geek. He suffered a lot of broken hearts in his teens and 20s. But then everything changed. Suddenly, in his 30s, the women who used to reject him started lining up around the block. This can be explained by the Law of Inverse Dating, which states that while men in their 30’s are becoming more confident, more successful and better looking, women are becoming more insecure, more panicked about their biological clocks and more desperate to pair off. This phenomenon gives the 30-something guy all the power. And it goes to his head. The former dork can suddenly date anybody and everybody he wants. So why should he settle? There he is, talking to a pretty, successful attorney at a cocktail party, when wait, there’s a supermodel. Sorry, gotta go! (Bigger Better Deal Guy is always looking over your head, especially if you’re 5’2” and she’s 5’10”.) It is almost impossible to get Bigger Better Deal Guy’s attention as he relives and rewrites his teen years, casting himself as the Mr. Popular he never was. Bigger Better Deal Guys tend to congregate in cities like Los Angeles and New York, where large populations of actresses, models and “dancers” ruin it for the rest of us.
5. THE CLEARANCE RACK GUY: You know when you go shopping, and there’s a big sale, how exciting it is when you spot the clearance rack… Like, omigod, everything’s 60% off! I can buy anything I want! But as you know, closer inspection will almost always kill your shopping buzz. Because there isn’t anything on the clearance rack that you actually want. The clothes here tend to be ill-fitting, damaged, or just poorly designed. Let’s face it, that $100 mohair orange jumpsuit is no more appealing at $40. The items on the clearance rack are there for a reason: People didn’t buy them when they were full priced. And here comes the analogy. There is a population of men who are still single in their 30s and 40s for a very good reason: Nobody wanted them. Maybe these men are boring, cheap, negative or smelly. Maybe they are all of the above. Can you blame a girl for leaving Clearance Rack Guy behind when everyone else did too? Of course it’s possible to find a cute fixer-upper, if you’re good with a needle and thread and some bleach. But there’s nothing you can do with an orange mohair jumpsuit. Nothing. Next!
If there’s a guy outside of these five categories, I’ve yet to meet him. Sure, I’ve heard rumors about Been Busy With His Career Guy, the reformed workaholic who’s neither bitter nor defective, just delayed. But I think he’s an urban myth. I’m better off trying to date Bigfoot. People of cyberspace, help me out. I’d love to be proven wrong. Ladies, am I too picky? Guys, do you recognize yourselves in one of these categories, and if not, who are you and where do you live? I’ll be logging on every six seconds to hear your answers. Until then…The Foxy Blonde.
Foxy Blonde…
I’m 29…and I’m about to become Bigger Better Deal guy. As you said, I was a late bloomer who learned social and dating skills in my mid-20s instead of my mid-teens. Fortunately, I’m blessed with a ridiculously youthful appearance and regularly date in the 25 and under range.
So I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when I start regularly dating in the 30-something range.
But…
I don’t wanna be there forever. I’m not Bachelor for Life guy.
So, after I finish sowing my oats for a few years, I’ll want to settle down and have some fun traveling and adventuring with my wife, and then go on to start a family in my late 30′s. Call me Self-Made Man Designing the Life I Love and Then Finding the Right Partner to Join Me Guy.
We’re out there….
J
p.s. I’m sure you weren’t one of them, but for your popular and beautiful counterparts 10 and 20 years your junior…maybe tell them to use their social power for good? The cute and popular girls I knew were so ridiculously exclusive and, sometimes, downright mean to people outside their cliques. The Bigger Better Deal phenomenon isn’t one restricted only to the the male gender, you know?
And since some men were just as guilty, I’ll do the same.
Cheers – JZhang
Dear The Foxy Blond,
I agree with every word you wrote. I felt that you were reading my mind while writing this article.
Yes, all good men are gone
Foxy,
You left out one category. The Serial Marrier. Much like Bigger Better Deal Guy, but marries everyone of them looking for a woman to take care of a life he really can’t or won’t lead on his own, but gets angry and nasty if things don’t turn out the way he thought they would when he put her in charge.
Foxy Blonde…
Let me re-state my p.s.
…sometimes I’m an idiot and put my foot in my mouth
I’m sure you weren’t one of the MEAN ONES, but since I’m sure you WERE BEAUTIFUL AND POPULAR, please pass on the message to your counterparts 10 and 20 years your junior to use their social power for good.
Man, time to fire my proofreader. I owe you a drink for that faux pas if you’re ever in the Midwest, Foxy Blonde
JZHang–
If you don’t want to start having kids until your late thirties, I recommend a wife at least 5 years younger than you are, as studies show that around 35, the incident of brith defects increase greatly.
FOXY–
When I was in my early to mid twenties, I dated men almost exclusively in their thirties, and there were a few of them that did not fit your categories– of course I knew who they were because as soon as they figured out I didn’t want anything serious, they were gone, because they did want something serious.
I’ve dated all the guys you mentioned. :/ And I’d like to thank you for posting this because it helps remind me that my current boyfriend is pretty freaking fantastic– although I found him all the way in Austin, Texas.
I tend to think that the #4 type was created by the younger women in their 20′s behaving the same way. Doesn’t make it right, if anything it can contribute to their long term unhappiness.
I’m curious about what it is about you that kept you from connecting with the kind of man you would like to marry earlier in your life?
I might also suggest: stay out of the big cities, look for cities that tend to have the same values you do, and don’t be afraid to date a younger man if he is looking for the same things you are. In addition, I might try to only focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t want.
Hello foxy blonde. I feel for you with the categorization of men portrayed here, yea, prospects are few and far between.
I am going to say something here, and please let me make it clear, this IS NOT directed at anyone—it is just a general thought that crosses my mind pertaining to this subject.
I don’t date, yet, but I do go out with ladies who are on the prowl. They try to use me as their “retriever” when it comes to getting a guy they see they like. They SEE they like. They SEE they like. I emphasized that three times over so as to make a point.
This really goes for men to, but we are on women today so…
These ladies are all about what they SEE and not what might BE. The saying “you cannot judge a book by its cover” is so pertinent here.
Speaking from watching them, the men are always the best picks in the place, and they are hot enough to get those guys. (With me as the ice breaker..they do not need me, they just think they do because i will talk to ANYONE;)They get the man, maybe date him once or twice and discard him, moving to the next.
Not enough money, car sucked, guy was a cheap date??? Many scenarios there. Ok. You chose him for WHAT??? It is bad enough that it was his looks, but then he wasn’t the wealthy, Lamborgini Driving big spender you imagined? Tisk tisk mmm
When I do start dating, it is going to be of great importance to me, how do you love your mother and sisters–family? What are your interests in life as far as hobbies, work, recreation? How important is your hygiene to you? (That is a bigun for me) Do you mesh well with other people in conversation? Do you posess a zest for life and creation? Do you like quiet times alone as well as together? Hey 24/7 togetherness…not healthy!!
Yes, I will want someone who doesn’t resemble the lochness monster or godzillas twin brother, lol, but over looks, will come the qualities and respect of the man. When you find someone with quality and personality, you have found a treasure. Even if they aren’t mr GQ, they are sweet and sexy to you because you connect on more than a visually stimulated level. So vital! Like the blood that courses through your veins for lastin life of a relationship.
I have said it before, I have had “Mr. GQ,” and when the looks fade, because believe me, they do when the person isn’t for you (and probably not for just one, period) Your eyes are open to the truth of many sorrows.
There is nothing to share but sex. There are certainly no laughs to be had,
only those you give yourself.(Which yes, I LMAO at me sometimes.;) LOL
Instead of waking up thinking, “Ahhh what adventure will today bring” and feeling an excitement (yes,i used to do that)
the waking up is more of a chore and a dance on egg shells on a good day, and hot embers most.
Point is, when going out, (I am such the expert! lol) try to get that kind of conversation rolling. People who are worth your time want you to know them. I am not talking about the guy wearing the chip on his shoulder or his heart on his sleeve either. Look at the eyes, for they tell a million tales. Listen attentively and you will know if this is a possible match for your personal taste.
I wish everyone the best in your dating endeavors, and pray when mine begin, the search is not an arduous one.
Thank you foxy blonde:)
Good golly Ms. Molly! I am sorry. that post I made is a record for…me and anyone else:() LOL Oh well. Can’t hit the back button now;)
At 48, I listen to my heart
I wish I could say I was listening to my heart, but its not talking to me yet. Apparently its still a bit angry with me. Right now only my brain is still talking to me.
Foxy Blonde,
Neat article. I’ve had this or a similar conversation with a very good female friend of mine.
I live near a larger city, Kansas City, to be exact. There does seem to be a fair number of 30 to 40 year old women looking for a relationship. But are they overlooking the guys who they can be in a relationship with? There is always something that isnt right or “God Forbid” another guy comes along. Sounds kind of like the bigger better thing. Isnt it the women who really control their own love life? A relationship takes time and some actual effort! Mr Wonderful is not going to suddenly appear with no baggage, money and a plan for your next 40 years of bliss.
I was definately young married guy. Right after college, married, by 30 3 healthy happy kids. All part of my plan, house, kids, master’s degree, etc etc. Just didnt factor in that the other person in the relationship can actually decide she doesnt want to stay married! Working too much and going to a couple all expense paid trips to Iraq didnt help either. So, yep I probably landed straight into bitter divorced guy! Now though, I’ve done over two years of counseling, gone through some group sessions, learned about myself, and actually changed some things that I really didnt like.
So who am I now, Foxy Blonde? Am I still in the bitter divorced guy category? I think there is a category after bitter divorced guy, just that they get into relationships quite soon after putting the work into redefining who they really are.
Sure, there are plenty of guys who aren’t in those categories. I’m one of them…. mid-30s, and actually quite a catch.
Are you sure you’re not “I CLAIM I WANT A GOOD GUY BUT I KEEP DOING THE SAME BAD THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE DATING JERKS OR HAVING ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS THAT EVEN A DECENT GUY COULND’T EVER LIVE UP TO SO I NEVER MEET ONE AND I JUST SIT AROUND AND COMPLAIN” girl?
Darik, You are a take care of your business kind of guy. I think you would want the same. You want an equal? Balanced, experienced, happy and now! healthy?
Wow! Thanks for all the fantastic feedback, and please keep it coming. Darik, you’re absolutely right – there must be guys out there who want to be married and whose first marriages simply didn’t work out. I just think it’s really really hard to meet these guys (like you) because they’re so eligible they get snapped up fast! Next time I meet one I’m going to have to act quickly. Lexi, you asked why I didn’t find the right guy earlier in life, and it’s a great question. The truth is, I just wasn’t ready, and now I am. So maybe there’s a guy out there in the same boat. Speaking of, Jim2, are you sure you’re too old for me? You sound like a dream. And JZhang, next time I’m in the midwest, I’m taking you up on that drink!
6- Divorced, achieving, athletic guy on his 40-’s w high standards…
Who faces similar issues when looking for ladies.. I should start my list… If I want hanged and skinned by the beauties on this site!
Dear Foxy Blonde,
Your posting has compelled me to come out of the shadows and reply. I’m not applying for the position (you’re too young for me. lol).
I’d have to say the same thing regarding women. Where have all the good women gone? I believe that there must be at least one good (eligible) woman out there.
But first, I don’t seem to fit into any of the above categories.
#1. I was married when I was 30. Prior to that we lived together for several years and we wanted to start having children. After 23 years together she become infatuated with our oldest son’s best friend (40 y/o woman & 18 y/o boy) That has not “qualified” me for #2.
#2. To this day I still wish her “no harm”, “no ill-will”, “no malice” and I hope that she meets someone that rocks her world. I was also the single responsible parent of two teenage boys and I looked after my mother until she passed away 12/05. I have been a good (faithful)husband, a good father and a good son.
#3. “Bachelor for life guy” obiously is not me. To this day, I am not afraid to commit to a relationship or even a friendship! If only I could meet a good/nice woman.
#4. When I’m in a relationship or a friendship (to start) I keep my eyes focused on the woman that I am with. Oddly enough even when we are not together or if she was to excuse herself from the restaurant table you would not find me scoping the room for a faster horse! Please excuse that analogy. I do have a fault and that is I tend to see one’s qualities and not one’s faults.
#5 Last but not least…I don’t feel that I am “the clearance rack guy”. I am realistic enough to say that I am not an alpha male or an ogre. I do take pride in my appearance and how I conduct myself. I am not looking for the alpha female either.
However, Mama didn’t raise no fool!!! I will always open a door for a woman, walk on the outside of the sidewalk or flowers for no reason, foot rubs are a specialty of mine. I am also an attentive listener and will ask “how was your day” and really listen!!! Please don’t misunderstand what I have said, I am not a push-over! and of course, Mom told me a looong time ago that it takes more time for a woman to have an orgasm and that a man needs to take his time with.
With all that I have shared with you (all). I too am of the same thoughts. Oh, where have all the good/nice woman gone???
Hey, J-dude!
Welcome back! I thought you are missing in actions!
Miss Blonde, I feel the same about women right now. I am career stable with a new house and I have three kids to parent which is way cool. (My wife left me with a deep mental disorder)
I am 46 with black hair and bright blue eyes. I have no worries finding and dating different women. Finding someone who is not jaded and has an open mind is difficult at times. I am not religious but very spiritual about my journey here and what I am supposed to learn from this living experience. Finding someone who views the world as a place to gain awareness and knowledge is much more difficult. I have many women friends who tell me terrible stories about men actions and behavior. I really feel for them and I am ashamed sometimes that I am part of the same species. I live in Lake Tahoe area. Come visit to experience a real man.
Jim2, I will step aside and let you be Jim1. Our lifes mirror each other, but I have two girls and i’m 48. Good Post!
Foxy Blonde I feel your pain and have experienced all the categories on your dating menu. And I am neither foxy nor blonde, so imagine what a mere better-than-average-looking brunette in her 40s goes through.
So here’s a new solution: a friend of mine focuses only searching on one category in the very popular online dating site: Young Widowers. She feels that although she knows she’ll never meet up with the idealized image of a widower’s departed spouse, she can try to soothe his psyche. I have no experience in this first-hand, but it sounds a bit covert.
What do you think?
Erica
Kinda dark i think…..searching for widowers and a site for widowers.
I would want to move forward and not keep thinking about my loss. Your friend needs to get on this blog and share what she is doing …..i can feel a great conversation coming.
Dear Foxy Blonde,
Thank you for your reply. I’m 51 and still feel young. I have a philosophy that I live by and that is…If your young enough to be my daughter then your too young for me to date. Okay you’re right on the edge. lol. I wish you the best in your search and if you find where all the good/nice people are hiding please let me know.
Don,
I am one of those that is open minded about who I date. I tend to agree that good men are hard to find. That is not to say there aren’t any good men out there, it seems there are a lack of good men for me; and that’s probably what Foxy Blonde was referring to.
Also Don, where are you located?
Okay, here’s my two cents, and I’ll probably get some flack from the men, but I think there are way more desirable women at almost any age than desirable men. I’m constantly amazed at the level of conversation about women among men, particularly those in their thirties.It’s often on the same level as some of the racist shit I still hear from time to time.
I’m not sure why my ex went ahead and married me when she did, but I can say it took many years for me to finally get it, (although I was ahead of the game compared to other men my age) and by that time it was too late. I’m now 6 years past a 26 year marriage, with three grown daughters, and so I’m way past where you want to be.
Jim2, I had to smile when I saw your “philosophy”–my sentiments exactly. It’s too creepy for me to even think about dating someone so young.
Foxy Blonde — terrific conversation you’ve sparked. I wonder which category you fall under? Care to describe?
I don’t know. In meeting men, I have set an age range in general, but it is sometimes real limiting. It is much more dependent on commonalities than anything else. I dated someone who was a pharmacy tech, had a daughter, was nearing the end of his divorce, and was only 26. I wish I’d met in him in about two years. He’s nowhere near ready, and as soon as my heart starts talking to me again, I’ll be ready too. Until then I just keep to some very basic requirements for dates.
Flygirl, on my bad days, I fear I’m the Waited Too Long Woman, but on my good days, I’m the Gotta Keep Trying Girl. So J-Dude, if I promise not to hang and skin you, will you list your categories of undateable women??
You know Foxy I have my own ideas of what type you are……….and I think you know my answer.
@BobM – you’re not imagining it, there really are many more desirable women than men. There have even been science papers written on the subject. It’s not a new phenomenon either.
Recent DNA analysis shows that through history about 80% of all women who ever lived got to pass on the genes. But only 40% of men who ever lived went on to have children – less than half.
Put simply, given free choice, women consider most men as unworthy of mating with. This very phenomenon is what drives men to achieve wealth & status – to prove that they are worthy mates.
There’s an excellent article on the subject by Eminent Professor of Psychology Roy F. Baumeister at Florida State University called “Is There Anything Good About Men?”
http://www.psy.fsu.edu/~baumeistertice/goodaboutmen.htm
In modern times, society does not permit women to share the best males. So the single women either have to wait for them to come out of another relationship or have to make do with second best.
Thanks Jessica. “Saludos”
Foxy “Blondie”, let me try a couple:
1- “Physically attracted half-my agers”: Not tooting my own horn, but like Pimpmaister DavidW, I am tall, with a more athetic build, but less of his baby face Hollywood looks. Younger girs are more open when they see men they are physically attracted to… and my adrenaline starts pumping some times… but so many differences… I’m talking young twenties.
Remember, men are as old as they feel, women are as old as they are. This is whrre I get skinned and hanged!
2- “Attractive married woman”: I guess I let my guard down around them, because I don’t plan to hit ‘em… then it happens, the signals, the bumping into me blatantly… the flirting w me in front of their hubbies… I learned my lesson years ago, before I was even married and divorced… I won’t go there.
3- “Middle age good women, no physical presence at all”: Did I say I like exercise? I’ve done Martial Arts and one of the school owners told me one that I was his hero… he said I was kicking guys half my age butts. You can see where I’m going with this, I appreciate fitness on women, not wanting them to be obsessive bodybuilders, but still
4- “Low 30′s hotties”: There’s mutual attraction.. they start playing games, because they are in demand… I don’t chase… If they want to pursue other men, their loss
5- “Older woman”: My definition of older women… “any woman older than a man or the same age as a man”….
Hey, J-Dude,
J,
LOL! Not gonna skin you or hang you either.
As you describe in your reaction to the #4s of this world. Your loss….
Bertie,
You are too nice… Hang him!
Well look at it this way…
We all have our preferences. There isn’t much point in a public hanging or any sort of other attempts at conversion. LOL! He’s gonna like what he likes. I figure if he doesn’t like me, I’m probably not missing all that much. Besides if someone’s going to get hung up over the numbers, what else is he unbending over? Yup, definitely his prerogative to be narrow minded.
Hey Kung-Fu Girl Jessica,
Don’t me make go over there and submit you w a Rear Naked Choke technique
hallo hallo
hi
well foxy blonde, i have to agree with joan, i find women tend to limit themselves when looking for a man. that have an impossible list of expectations and qualities that are impossible for any man to have. you have to be open! i think you limit you’re self with your age range and who knows what else.
as for me i’m the “quiet/modest artist” type. too mature for my age, to lowkey. and have nothing in common with most people my age. i have to say that look arent that important to me, my motto is “art is eternal and beauty internal” i guess i’m in the same boat as you foxy blonde. seems no one with common interests is out there, but i’ll try trying and being proactive..
Cheers,
Joe
Blonde Fun. I have an additional comment. There are some nice guys who care out there and have made every effort to make women happy. I have a number of friends who travel around the world and have told me about other women in the world. We seem to have many spoiled princesses out there that we have created in our society here in the good ole US. The expections from men have been placed very high and many not achievable as compared to the celebrity readings so many women choose to read and want to compare themselves to. American women are the most fortunate in the world as far as the standard of living and opportunities available. Yet, we have a disapportionately large % number of them on antidepressants. What gives?? Women need to learn to be happy in the moment and not take so much for of life for granted and do less shopping to find happiness. Shopping and clinical depression have been statistically connected by the way. So, in closing, women need more tolerance in their expectations of men because there are great guys out there, just not perfect so don’t try to fix them. Learn what you can live with. Have more love and compassion for true sprirtual happiness.
Good points. Todd. It all depends how you present yourself. And it all boils down to one word
Aww poor foxy, she can’t find a man to date because her mental model of men will not allow her to see past her stereo types and actually connect with anyone. Sounds like you would rather complain than actually become a realized human being who recognizes that everyone has something to offer, no matter who they are. No wonder you can’t find a man, who the hell would want to date a person who has no self awareness and blames everyone else for her unhappiness. I thought blonds have more fun, sounds like your miserable and that’s not foxy!
Todd so maybe men don’t shop, but they sure are on the antidepressants too, but already I’m digressing. Everything you’ve said about women fixated on the perfect can also be said of men. As for the fixing thing….I don’t want to fix physically healthy people. If you’re half dead, I’ll be happy to fix ya!
Hello all, yes, I know you hardly hear from me. But I would like to just add that I believe your area you live in could be a factor.
Foxy, I feel the exact same way you do just with women. I am a male in my early 30′s, but I am having the worst possible time meeting quality women. I know David said that it does not matter where you live. However I live in Hawaii and women here have a very different mind set than other places like California.
I have been dating a lot, yes, there has been a few women that I felt a connection with. Sadly it was not mutual. Hope all is well everyone and take care.
Chllled-
Dude, you sound like a hater. A woman comes on here, opens herself up asking for honest feedback, and that’s your response? C’mon. You can do better than that.
If you can’t, have you heard the phrase, “Discretion is the better part of valor?” Or failing that, maybe you could’ve exercised a few brain cells to make your message easier for her accept.
Very interesting topic. I can place the majority of men I’ve dated into each topic but it doesn’t necessarily fit him in that category entirely. For me it seems my dilemma has been that there is always another woman lurking in the shadows. Not that the man cheats, but that he is either rebounding and lying to himself or they like to keep me framed with a “break glass to open in case of emergency”. The emergency being they can’t find someone so reliable bella is the back up girl. I need to ask David or Foxy Blonde, what is with some guys dating me and befriending me and then go on to say, “you’re awesome, you’re the type of girl you marry not sleep with” but then we never get to a long term relationship. Of course I don’t want to or consider myself and easy piece but that line sounds like major BS. One guy who is currently into me and surprisingly there is no “other woman” lurking in the dark shadows, told me, he can see a guy saying that to me because I’m the type you can take home to mom. Can we get started already and cut out the lines. I just don’t seem to get it. How do you take a person home to mom, or marry them if you don’t date them and develop a serious relationship?
Foxy Blonde,
30-something guy who read and found your article to be thought-provoking. I understand your frustration. First, I was wondering if you passed on guys all through your 20′s because you weren’t ready to settle. Of course this may not be true and lots of difficult situations arise in relationships and I understand this.
I looked at the categories of 35-45 year old men you listed. I think the bottom line is this. Every man has the right to pursue whatever it is he wants and, yes there are men whose lives don’t follow some expected pattern which allows them to sow wild oats at the ‘right’ time or develop a career at the ‘right’ time. Passing judgement on men for not following the ‘expected’ path really comes out in a woman when interacting with men. Nobody’s life is perfect and many of us are trying to improve.
Realize that nobody is here ‘for you’. For a man to decide to spend the rest of his life with you there must be a very compelling reason. Many men don’t approach marriage this way or give in to pressure and live miserable lives. A man or woman should be able to live a fulfilling single life FIRST and not chase. If a potential life partner comes along who can make life more fulfilling then that is icing on the cake. I know this becomes more complex if you are a woman and there is a certain time frame in which to have a family. Nevertheless, chasing and then feeling frustrated because people don’t meet your criteria or act the way you want is not a useful approach.
You may ask yourself why it is that there are women out there happily married and what characteristics these women possess and then compare to the characteristics you possess. THIS you can control. You cannot control men and how they live their lives. The women out there who are happily married have access to the same men. That is a constant. The variable is YOU.
I am sorry this is preachy but it’s the same thing I’ve discussed with friends of mine.
Best of luck to you and I hope you find happiness.
Paul
In pose of the question, “Where Have all The Good Men Gone?” I have asked that question a numerous amount of times within, with never any clarity as to any answer.
BobM;
Your response to j-dude in defense of the respecting of a woman who is open and vulnerable, gives answer to the question. A knight in shining armour with that comment suitably fits you. You are a man of valour.
Jessica;
I agree with you on your response to j-dude as far as his statement towards women and their being “as old as they are.” I am past the days of hanging a person for ignorance, but given enough rope he will hang himself. I am and will forever remain young and playful at heart. I will be 46 Saturday and proud of it!;) Otherwise, life becomes this complicated maze you feel trapped in with no escape.
j-dude
“dud,” oops, forgot the “e”, dude;
I am glad I don’t know where you live with that stupidity foaming from your jowls. lol I think what is needed in your case is this.
First you are gonna HAVE to climb off of that pedestal of arrogance you are perched on.
Second, find a mirror and take a good hard look at what stares you back in the face. Hopefully you will say, “j-dude, man you are rude, crude and socially screwed.” With all do respect, which isn’t going to break into my “bank of respect” to deeply, get a reality checkup of who and what you aren’t.
Then appreciate the who you can be and be that with respect towards women; Then you can say, “Hey, I am one of the good men a woman is in search of” in a humble and honorable manner. It is there…somewhere hidden under the heap of arrogant rubble you are drowning in. I hope you dig out of your “shallow” grave, and find a better you. Good luck.
Joan-
Thanks for the compliment. However, just to make things clear, my comments were actually directed at “chllled,” not ” J-dude.”
I had to laugh at what you said J-dude, and I’m sure that calling him “dud” was just a typo (right?), but now I’ll have to rethink my comment about women “holding their fire.” Ah, well. I like how you still managed to offer positive advice and wished him well. If that’s how you roll (and it seems pretty genuine to me), then go ahead and fire at will.
Joan-
P.S.- At least you picked a worthy target.
Hmm… I don’t *think* I’m any of those… at least I hope not. I was a social late bloomer, and like your typical #4 BBD guy I eventually found my stride. Now I’ve been through my share of flings and a couple of long relationships and think I’m ready for the big commitment. I just haven’t found the girl I want to marry.
I guess I like to believe that while we can make choices that affect our openess to meeting people (going out, going online, making an effort, etc), falling in love is not a choice. It will happen when it happens, and until then I just need to make sure I take care of the things I can control. The most important of those is my happiness, and I refuse to let my relationship status define my happiness.
And while I don’t want to become #3, I *really* don’t want to ever be #2 (what’s the rodney dangerfield quip — watch out for #1 and don’t step in #2?). So I’m making my own category… the eligible guy with really high standards who is happy whether he’s single or not. May I someday meet my match.
Joan,
Not so fast please, let’s just be friends first. I do appreciate your passion…
BobM;
lol “OOPs..I did it again.” lol Brittany ain’t got nuttin on me with that phrase from that song. You will see I am a pro at this mistake, but also go back with a band aid to patch things up. lol Lord! Compliment still stands, and yes that was a typo to begin with, then when I went to re-read I saw it and had a “mean streak” strike:(
Yes, it is genuine. I do wish everyone well. I just don’t understand being so inwardly focused, that people fail to let their real beauty and character shine forth. I do believe EVERYONE has positive inner qualities to share with others.
chilled;
Chill out! That is a hater attitude for sure. Gotta get that one under control there son. I would guess you to be young enough for me to call you son with such an immature response as you have given to FB.
J-dude-
You mean “friends first” before she uses you as target practice? You enjoy living dangerously, don’t you!
todd i agree totally, culture does play a role in finding someone. given my upbringing, i have to agree with most of what you said..
Foxy blonde i really think you’re limiting yourself, with the age range and i assume other things.
Foxy blonde are you telling me if you hit it off with a good guy but he happened to be 28 or 29, maybe 30…or something else thats limit on your list? you wouldnt date him, seriously? one thing i learned as an artist foxy is not to limit ones self always grow,learn and consider.
oh and the sex in the city gals were shallow and vain, and closed minded and picky. hince why they couldnt find a descent relationship. i hope your not like that. but if you are good luck… beauty can only go so far. but im sure you not like that…
cheers,
Joe
BobM,
No, I din’t mean it that way. What I meant is that she was been a little too forward and had me blushing some. I’m no piece of meat, you know?
How do you put smileys w tongue sticking out in this site?
J-dude-
I agree, Joan can crank up the heat. Having said that, I didn’t see anything that could be interpreted as sexual energy directed at you. I saw some ridicule and maybe mild contempt, but I hope you’re not confusing that with sexual innuendo. Sorry for my ignorance. Maybe you could tell me what she wrote that you were responding to.
j-dude
MMMK. Lets see, was it where I spoke of stupidity foaming from your jowls, or was it when you looked in that mirror you started to “feel the love?”
I assure you, there is not one jot or tittle of an innuendo sexually being trasmitted from me to you. I believe your are under the influence of a whole new kind of STD, meaning;Senseless
Thinking
Disorder
I think you have some nice guy qualities, as every man/woman has those qualities. It is just a matter of taking your focus to a different level of thinking; thinking about something or someone set aside from yourself.
Joan,
Firstly, Happy B-Day this Saturday! I mean it.
Secondly, I didn’t accuse you of loving me, I just said you want me.
J-dude-
Can you read the words coming out of her keyboard? Are you new to the English language? Are you from a different solar system? Good grief!
I can only hope that you’re just trolling. What, in the name of God, did you think was “a little too forward?”
j-dude;
Thank you for your well wishes as far as my birthday is cocerned–and I honestly do mean that.
I honestly mean this as well. Please DO accuse me of loving you before you accuse me of wanting you.
I love everybody without judgement and with hopes for the best in their lives. SO that accusation would be prim and proper.
After reconsidering the text we will use for “I want you,” yes I do. I want you to realize what a self centered, unrealistic individual you are.
Individual? MM let me rephrase. You are a very out of tune trio; ME, MYSELF, and I. Never was fond of that “group.”
I think inside you j-dude is a very insecure person, masking that with a false sense of pride. HOWEVER, I also think there is probably a really nice, as well as respectful man inside you. Look deep for him. He is in there.
Joan- Your response was 100 times better than mine.
BobM,
You need some testosterone, but you seem like a nice guy.
As far as Joan, she doesn’t need you to protect her, she seems feisty enough, NOT that she would ever have to come close to feel threatened by me, though.
J-dude-
I’m okay in the testosterone department. But you’re right. She sure as hell doesn’t need any help from me, and I’d already decided I should bow out of the conversation between you guys.
BobM,
Peace brother.
Peace out, J
It’s a Wednesday night and instead of being out of the house socializing and meeting people, you all are online, reading and writing about finding someone that’s right for you. (??) Do you really want to meet someone?
Personally, I know I’m not in the right place in my life to date seriously. I don’t like having guys take me out only to find out I’m not interesting in either a casual relationship or a serious one. So I stay home. When I am ready to date, I’ll be one of those “types” listed or unlisted… we all are.
As for the types, the missing one is the “Mr. Right for You” type. He’s already in a relationship because he’s ready to settle down (think Derik, or #1s before they married). He knows what he wants and he’s working on developing the relationship to get to the commitment phase. (BTW, Jim2, he’s not a spineless Mr. Nice Guy who will fall all over himself to get a woman to fall for him.) Occasionally Mr. Right for You will find out he’s not in the right relationship for him, and will suddenly become some other type… available again, but why? (After all, nobody wants him until someone has him, right?)
Face it, anyone single over a certain age is either clearance rack or thrift store material. (Isn’t that what all #2s, #3s and #4s really are??) Some are damaged, some are slightly irregular, some are out of date, some are poorly designed, rough or hard to care for material, out of season, wrong size, outgrown by others, worn around the edges. And yes, some are destined for a landfill, and some are just great finds and snapped up quickly. As most women know, you gotta be out there looking on the racks regularly to find the good stuff as soon as it’s put on the rack. Network and find friends to share info about where the good stuff is and when new inventory is stocked for sale. Shop where they sell stuff you like – whether it’s a clearance rack at Macy’s, Brooks Brothers, or Target. Buy something that’s not quite right but has potential with a little tailoring. Wear it and come to love it for its good qualities and overlook the bad (within reason).
You know, some people would look at an orange mohair jumpsuit and immediately think it would make a great base for a halloween costume that is a lot of fun. Or turned into sofa pillows or a dogbed in a funky urban apartment, fuzzy long underwear, or a scarf and hat in a bright accent color.
If he’s not Mr. Right for You, he may be right for your friend, or he may be a good business contact, a learning opportunity, a buddy, or someone that introduces you to the right guy.
Sorry to say it, but anyone on this site, myself included, is in the same category!
Mary-
I agree with a lot of your post, and I like the way you extended the clearance rack metaphor. Certainly, the advice to get out there and check out the racks is sound, but please, for the love of God, do NOT counsel women to find a man they can “tailor.”
For every success story where a woman finds a guy with “potential” and actually improves him, there are countless people-years of tears, frustration, and bitterness when it hasn’t worked. The issues you have at the beginning of a relationship will almost always be the same ones you have at the end, and they wear you down until they ultimately tear you apart.
I’ll spare everyone an excruciating discussion about why I think this is. I’ll just say I think a better idea, if there’s nothing quite right on the rack, would be to look for something seasonal and easy to wear, knowing that it’s not too durable and has a limited life expectancy–and keep your eyes on the racks.
Wow,
I just read through the current posts. Paul and Mary great points.
Paul, the part about the Woman being the variable was awesome! Kudos. Follows the logic of “I cannot FIX anyone else, I can only make changes to myself!”
Mary, YES!! Mr Right for you! I’ve met women who are beautiful, smart, and put together, but I’ve realized I’m not right for her. Be it because of my three kids, the fact that I’m introverted, or because she needs someone who can devote more time to her. Is that her or my fault, NO! I’m just not right for her. I’ve made some great friends through this process. (of course the women that they’ve set me up with have led me to question their true motives, but that’s another topic!! LOL)
If anyone is keeping track of my current dating adventure, I think I’m about to move forward from dating a girl to being her boy friend! We both have teenagers, there is a strong physical attraction, I feel very comfortable being with her, and we seem to fit together physically quite well. Now, here I am feeling like I’m in junior high school going over in my mind the conversation that I want to have with her as we move from dating to being boyfriend-girlfriend!! I’m such a geek.
I’ve been single for 20 months now after a 15 year marriage. I’ve dated 3 guys seriously since the breakup and each relationship has improved greatly over the past one. The current one is fabulous and we’ve been together 7 months now.
With each guy, we had the first 4-6 months in extreme infatuation honeymoon mode. When it subsided (as it always will) the guys got bewildered and pulled away. I freaked out and thought I was being rejected. I would get angry and bolt — blaming them for being screwed up or commitment phobic.
With my current boyfriend, same thing started happening all over again. But I realized — this is a pattern. There’s something I’m contributing to this situation because it keeps happening again and again. I started to think that it was something in me that needed to be looked at and possibly changed.
So this time, I bit the bullet and instead of getting angry, hurt, running away — I reached out and actually warmed up to him and did more initiating of togetherness, phone calls, dates, fun activities. The response: we are getting along better than ever. He has warmed up and is relieved that he isn’t having to do all the heavy lifting of the relationship by doing all the planning, calling, initiating, etc. We both contribute and our conversations flow more easily.
My change in my attitude made him change. Seemed to bring him back and he hasnt pulled away since. We also don’t try and define the relationship by living more in the moment and simply enjoying each other. It’s only been 7 months — in my opinion, way too soon to plan a life together. I’m still learning who he is and if he is someone I could share my life with. We are taking things very slow. But I adore him and his presence in my life and he seems to feel the same way about me. We laugh a lot and have fun with each other. We have a strong physical attraction to each other, but our friendship and genuine “liking” of each other continues to grow.
I don’t put any pressure on him to be different towards me or to call or spend more time with me. We both have very busy lives with kids, work, obligations — something that happens when you are over 40. We see each other on average about 3 times a week.
Good luck to you. Some of these posts are correct in that you’ve got to look past your expectations and be patient. It will happen when you open yourself up to it. Stay humble.
– Susie
Wow, Susie. What a great post, and a wonderful object lesson for all of us. Major props to you, not just for figuring it out but for doing something about it as well.
Darik, good luck to you. It definitely sounds like you’re on the right track.
Great posts, but Mary & Sushie nailed it.
There are women in all of the categories above, too. And you become a prisoner of the categories you create. You think they add clarity; you think they make you witty — they make you blind; they make you a snob.
You have your little stereotypes, but they are just your excuses for not trying. There are no “types” in the wild — there are only individuals.
Everyone, male or female, has a choice: Get out there and be vulnerable, or give up (and blog.)
But if you’ve given up, at least recognize your own rage, defensiveness and laziness.
Thad, I agree that if you start out trying to figure out which category a guy fits into, you’re going to be a prisoner of your own preconceptions. However, I don’t know where your comment about “rage” and “laziness” is directed. Were you talking about women in general, or FB ? I didn’t sense any rage on her part, just pessimism.
As far as I’m concerned, her asking for help shows she hasn’t given up yet and that she’s still willing to put some work into it.
Derik,
Way to go! There’s nothing geeky about wanting a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Congratulations!
Bob,
Thanks for your notes back, though it sounds like you’ve been a tailoring victim! My thoughts – if not my words – were not so naive. Others have tried to make me be what they wanted, too. But not all efforts at change are bad. Hopefully we’re all growing as people still, and a little time and effort and receptiveness can go a long way. I’ve seen my older brother go through this in his mid forties – he used to say his girlfriend wasn’t as nice as his previous girlfriend, but she has taught him some excellent life lessons… he now realizes this. Not sure if they’ll stay together but her tweaks have helped many of his relationships! I’m talking tweaks here, not overhauls. Sometimes a good conversation goes a long way.
Susie is doing this for herself… she’s figuring it out. She’s adjusting… good for her!
Personally, I’m not even out shopping right now… I’m just focused on something else for a while. (I found a link to this site reading an article in the NYT.)
Best wishes and luck to all!
Mary
Mary-
Although at times I’ve felt like a victim, I also realized that I have benefitted as well, and I’m know I’m a better person for my 26 years of marriage. I learned and experienced so much.
Just to be clear, I’m not bitter, although my ex was–justifiably to an extent, I’d say. Fortunately, we’re now good friends, and she appreciates some of my qualities more than when we were together.
This was a well-written blog that appears to be from someone who is fairly articulate. Almost makes me think it was written by Grant Adams under a pseudonym
.
I thought the age range specified by the author (35 – 45) was kinda provoking. I was totally monogamous with my wife for 22 years. Now I am single again and in my 50′s. I am having a great time meeting women from their late 20′s on up. Early to mid 30′s appears to be the sweet spot. And yeah, there are some who think I am too old for them. I say, God bless them! Fortunately, there are lots of women in their 30′s who do find me attractive. (It’s all in the approach. I don’t have time to go into it here, but there is this guy named David Wygant who has some great products that tell you how to get it done)
peace love
Herk
foxy lady,
……..some of us, we make a list of unsuitable prospects, as we wallow in our hurts……nothing wrong with that, we live in stages…..
hmmm seems like your generalizations and vast observations of the fellow male species has you stumped, for your karma is not finding the man you fantasize about meeting. Your curse for such biased ignorance due to your typical goals of obtaining a financially rewarding meal ticket and a great fuck all rolled up into one will never prosper.
Reality is, you’ll be stuck on finding the “right” man so much, any “real” man will be passed up. You’ll eventually give up and settle with the type of man that steals from you, does drugs, and beats your ass constantly. Most of you woman go that route for some strange reason.
If anything else, if you ever did find that man that’s outside of the box of the silly classifications you stated above, how do you know that he would even find you attractive? How do you know if he finds brunettes atrractive?
Blondes suck
Jokesonyou,
Whats with all the hateraide?
Jokesonyou-
I’ll second Bertie’s comment. As I mentioned in response to Thad’s comment, above, you’re seeing something in FB’s writing that really isn’t there. Instead, it sounds like you’re projecting your hostility, maybe from a bitter personal experience, onto her situation.
Take a breath, step back, and reflect on whether you’re allowing your own experiences to color your perception. Even if you disagree with what she says, you’ll have a more receptive audience to your views if you leave out the hate.
Agree with BobM. Recently I read somewhere that the key to a happy life is not in avoiding bad experiences, but how fast we can bounce back. Some people move on faster than the other.
I think I read it in a book Social Intelligence by D. Goleman.
testing too
Jessica-
I like that summation you quoted. It applies to so many phases of our lives.
to foxy,
give us your definition of a good guy….
I like Jessica’s quote too. It’s about that eternal optimism. Not letting the painful experiences wear you down (too much). I know…easier said than done if you are right in the middle of a break up or a heartbreaking experience. But as Jessica said, it’s more about how quickly you bounce back after a crushing experience.
Jessica;
Seeing as I am able to once again breath here, the “warden” is “off duty” for 6 weeks I am up and working. I saw an email pop up here and wanted to say first of all, Hi to you. Really hello to everybody:)
I agree with what you have read. I have learned to bounce, tumble, roll, handspring, and hurdle the many obstacles I have faced in my relationship.
I am well trained in overcoming the defeatist demeanor of a pessimistic prick, who thrives off of making life miserable for himself as well as all who are around him.
You take the heartbreak, and you promise not to foresake the lessons learned so as to fall back into the same trap of doom and gloom lived, only to go around that mountain of despair again. Learn, grow, and move forward.
Live and learn; Grin and grit your teeth; bite your tongue from beligerance; guard your heart with love and let the past be just that….the past.
If we carry the old baggage around that has plagued us for years, how can we expect to ever feel free of the chains that once bound us? Simple answer. It is not possible. Allowing ourselves to clear the fog of folly, is first and foremost if one plans on a bright and shining horizon ahead.
This is a choice that each individual must come to grips with. Don’t wallow in the mud of self pity and doubt, rather rise up and grab hold of life as it should have been all along and run like the wind! Set your sails for sea of sensations you never thought possible! Thats the ship I am setting out on and don’t plan on docking any time soon;)
Joan-
I love the passionate, indomitable spirit that jumps off the page in your comments.
Hunter-
You know, I think that’s a real interesting question. I hope FB answers it.
OMG, I think I’ve been meeting the same guys! Although I think Been Busy with Career Guy only gets busy after theyre intimate with you..lol… You’re not alone. It seems there are no normal guys in my age group and I’m 33. My grandmother told me recently to just pick anyone and settle down, but I would probably have to pick someone a lot older than me. Gee, thanks Grandma! I look at least 6 or 7 years younger than my age so I’ve been dating younger guys lately. They’re not so bitter and less set in their ways. They also know a good thing when they see it!
Hey Chrystal
As an homage to Behar, let me ask you, have you ever been with an older, overweight, bald, non-Jewish white guy of average height? If you haven’t, you don’t know what you are missing!
Herk
Herk, you’re such a comedian! That was funny though.. I am however, an Italian Catholic, but thanks for asking!! I went on a “coffee meet and greet” last night with someone I met on a website. Very nice on the phone, pics only showed him with sunglasses (I should have known better!) but I went anyway. What the hell right? When he showed up, lets just say it did nothing for me AT ALL. And he lives with his mom. at 34!! No thanks, I have to go wash my car… at 10 pm. And Herk, I dont watch Behar. I’m a Republican…lol…
Chrystal,
The guy with sunglasses? I had a few of those too! They have something to hide, so they are wearing sunglasses!
Chrystal,
Actually, the “Behar” I am referring to is David’s old friend and college roomate who uses a similar line, and according to David, always gets the girl. btw, I was married in the same Catholic church that Arnold and Maria attended (and yes, I am single now). And we had the most amazing priest who married us. He was a sensuous Armenian who described himself as “bi-ritual,” I think he was a celibate who truly appreciated women. And he said some really moving things at our wedding, like…
Well, if you want to hear the rest of the story, meet me in the produce section of Whole Foods. We can get acquainted while palpating mangoes, and if we hit off…
Bi-ritual? Hands down, that is the funniest thing I’ve heard all day! And it is the first time I’ve ever been invited to palpate tropical fruit with a stranger…lol….It sounds a little kinky!
A stranger is just a friend that you haven’t gotten to know yet. And I’ll be happy to show you my technique–after a while you develop a feel for the subtle differences…for example, did you know that the papayas get annoyed if you touch them the say way you would grasp a mango?
…chrystal,
….yes, younger men, older women, I hear it is very common in europe….
Hunter-
Unfortunately, it looks like FB isn’t going to answer your question. I’d have liked to hear what she had to say about it.
Hunter, its weird.. it didn’t start out that way. One day I realized that all the men I was dating that were the same age as me were either Bitter Divorced Guy or Bachelor for Life Guy and both were irritating. I felt that it was me doing all the compromising and that’s just not fair. So without telling anyone I went out with a guy who was 8 years younger than me, and had the most fun I’d had in a long time. After that, it wasn’t such a big deal.
wondering where she is? curious about how she takes this all in. aye?
hunter: yes, it is somewhat common in europe, but then again, (just my opinion) europeans tend to be a little more open and mature when it comes to such things.
chrystal: i was kind of upset by what you said about the guy you met for coffee “he lives with his mom. at 34!! No thanks, I have to go wash my car… at 10 pm.”
did you ever ask him why he still lives at home? it could be cultural or maybe he cant afford an apartment. i can tell you something i’m 29 and i live at home, i pay them rent (my choice) ,in certain, cultural upbringings it’s o.k. for a person to live with there family until they get married or settle into there career. with me i’m back in school, i have a job,i’m an artist and i’m starting my life over again after a rough couple of years…
what do you think about that chyrstal? does that make me a loser to you? like you think of this guy? because i live at home. i used to get that shit from women all the time, and then they would find out why i live at home and they would feel like total assholes… live and learn i guess.
just remember chyrstal
” It is well, when judging a person to remember that he is judging you with the same godlike and superior imapartiality”
cheers,
Joe
Chrystal;
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you being with a younger man. It is almost trend that I am seeing in my neck of the woods.
I actually went with one 15 years younger than me…very mature, wise young man, and hot, hot, hot! We had so much in common, and had the BEST time ever.
I would encourage you if this is what is attractive to you..go for it! If anyone has a problem with it, that is just what it is…THEIR PROBLEM:) Have fun girl!
Joe I’m a lot of things, and trust me, one of them is open minded. I am willing to compromise on lots of things. I do know why he lives with his mom, and its not because one of any reasons you listed. Its more to do with his lack of consistency with his life, which I find disturbing at that age. So there.. sorry to take the wind out of your sails, but please don’t jump to conclusions.
You know, I never thought about it before, but my living next door to my mother might be an issue. On the other hand I don’t really care on that score. If a man has an issue with that, then he can kiss my ass. I helped my mom take care of my ailing father and grandmother before they died. It was convenient and right for us. So Joe, no worries….
chrystal i hate to break to you but there was no wind in my sail to begin with. lol and i wasnt jumping to conclusion.
but fine i’ll take that. it’s obvious you had nothing in common with this men and didnt think him attractive at once first thought, so it’s understandable you wouldnt want to have anything to do with him? so cool with me . but i’m glad you ask him, most make the judgement before asking. good show
so… lack of consistency “not stable enough” i suppose some might say that about me? but isnt how one treats another, and common interests that make a relationship. or am living in a disillusional fantasy? lol
cheers,
Joe
Hey Joe..
Im not knocking your life… artistic people are a lot more fluid in their life than I am. I was raised around public safety and I currently work in public safety. That being said, I am drawn to men that are very intense individuals, that are very driven. This doesn’t mean they work in my field, just personality-wise. It’s not just looks that I look for… thats secondary. I look for a man that can get in my head and challenge me intellectually while making me laugh my butt off. If I’m attracted to their looks too, well hell, hat-trick for me! If I’m not, I usually try to stay friends. The guy from last night though, thoroughly annoying in many ways. Not just because he lived with his mom.
And Bertie, you rock… I help my mom take care of my elderly grandparents, and my 90 year old uncle. It’s hard work!
no worries, berties, i wasnt that upset to begin with. why waste my energy getting mad about things i cant control lol
she explain it’s all good, no worries, how have you been bertie? i havent talk to you in a bit, i hear you had a rough bit these couple of days, i can lend an ear if need be, joans knows that i’m here to listen, so im telling you too
as for me i’ve been busy writting this damn opera, i’m totally engrossed in it, it took Joan to email me and ask how i was to snap me out of it. plus, and all the this theatre stuff is driving me nuts… set designs, make up, dressings, lighting etc. and me trying to figure out how to put together this bloody thing. fucking bollocks. and no dates, i need a good woman. blimey!
cheers,
Joe
Oh..and Joe.. I do have a single roommate and she’s very into artistic types.. I think she reads too much Jane Austin…
Joe;
lol You make me laugh. i know you are busting buns with your art, but maybe a night of “curtain call” is in order?
I am thinking that you are possibly going to find that good woman when you are wrapped up in the lights, camera , action of this production. Keep your periperal vision open for those passers by hugh?;)
I am rootin for you my friend:) Cheers Joan
lol she going to have problem, lol because they alot of men who arent like the one in jane austin. lest passionate. lol… alot of women i find cant handle artistic type men, unless there grewup around artistic types or are artistic, or open minded in someway. thoughts can be random, words hard to understand, moods like the weather some can be weirdos also.
cheers,
Joe
Joe,
Last week I spent a lot of time on the internet because I was sick, sick, sick. So sick that I only got out of the house to take my boys to school and go to the pharmacy. This week has me involved in catastrophes that have had me hating myself. I’m a bit better today, but still grieving horribly.
An opera? I didn’t know…How interesting! You should tell me about it!
Joan, you are the friend ! your blood runs with rapture of fire, your passion spits arrows of love and friendship to all thoses who know you.
a good women, soon Joan soon hopefully and she’ll whisper sweet words in my ear,
and be the stars in my eyes.
cheers,
JOe
bertie, i will tell you about, when i know what the bloody operas about lmfao!
just a bunch of operatic pieces now arias and such….
it should be interesting you’d be sick huh? my moms been sick the last couple of days, i’ve been taking care of her, as well as writing. but my OCD hates when people are sick thanks goodness i’m not as bad as some people lol
cheers,
Joe
Joe;
Ok now, you poet you. make me have tears here.
You are very sweet and yes, she will be there as stars in your eyes and putty in your arms. Hold onto that!
Joe,
I’m around sick people all the time, but I caught this stuff from one of my kids not the job.
isnt that how it always bertie,lol drives me nuts. i’m just saying i hate it when my families sick.
Joan: i’ll find her soon, no worries.
cheers,
Joe
I don’t mind that, but I’m not a very good patient….
to bertie,
….try a shot of tequila, with a teaspoon of lemon/lime juice whatever is handy, and, call me in the morning…
to chrystal,
…do whatever works for you….
Since there’s no man here, tequila is a no-no. Tequila seems to make me be a girl who can’t say no.
to bertie,
hah! how funny! if you take two shots of Tequila, you might see a man….he, he,hh..
I don’t think so Hunter. The tequila has never made me hallucinate, it has made me quite lovable though.
You have to be ballsy to meet someone you want to meet.
Plus you have to lower your standards, and keep it an easy going relationship for awhile. Easy going, no drama.
Orale Cabo,
“You have to be ballsy to meet someone you want to meet.” Yeah, there are whole tape series made and books written and workshops given on this topic. lol.
The statement is totally right on, of course.
As far as “lowering your standards,” I am interpreting this to be a short-hand way of saying, “Don’t demand that everyone be obvious marriage material before you go out with him/her.” There is beauty in everyone, and something to be learned from everyone. Life is short, so let’s all lighten up and appreciate each other for the good parts that are in all of us.
How say you?
Herk
to Cabo,
you have to be ballsy to meet someone you want to meet?…….really?….how so?…..
Hunter,
What percentage of men will walk up to a woman they find attractive and start a conversation? 5%? 50%? 95%? I’ll bet you the drink of your choice at the bar of your choice that it is less than 50%. It took me a long time and more effort than the people on this blog can imagine but I bet I can go mano-a-mano with any of the same said people on this blog including David as far as approaching is concerned (of course, closing is a whole other matter). The evolutionary psychologists posit reasons for why approach avoidance is so common. However, it can be overcome, and the natural flowing male essence can be liberated. It just takes some of us longer than others.
Herk
Cabo…Lowering standards? That does not jive with my “Give 100%” upbringing. I will agree, however, on the keeping it light for a while. I think a lot of other women make the mistake of meeting one guy and trying to make him into an instant boyfriend. Men date a few women at a time before making their choice for girlfriend. That approach has always worked better for me. I go out way more than my friends do, and im having more fun. Also, I’m not pinning my hopes on just one guy. If I have to kick him him loose I’m still dating a couple other men, its not such a big deal.
to Herk/Cabo,
C/D cups get hit on all the time, it is a womans prerogative, if she will talk to the man or not….