I DO appreciate your post and what you have to say! And thank you for being so thoughtful and concerned about not hurting my feelings!

But I think you are a little quick with the “diagnosis”! (I am not hurt or offended by the way – especially because that is to NOT me.)

If you knew me better, you might not have jumped to that conclusion. Because I have the same concerns about women who are all freaked out about being single!!! I can’t stand that!

I am sooooo in agreement with you! For me personally, I am in no rush to settle down. But ALSO in no rush to have sex. Dating is NOT something that I view as MISSION: CRITICAL, for sure! Just for me, if it wasn’t for the possible longterm partnership aspect, I wouldn’t bother at all. My life is otherwise pretty full. I only even make time to date a guy if I do feel especially drawn to him or intrigued.

I think it’s gross when women are on a mission to be in a relationship. And I likewise think it’s gross when men are on a mission to get laid asap. My approach is more like: Damn, why not just chill out and enjoy? What’s the rush?! But I don’t mean that as if to judge other’s choices, either. just the rush on both fronts freaks me out, personally!

Part of why I wouldn’t want to have sex so soon is because I DO take things really easy and just want to enjoy myself and I am in no hurry to “couple up” or settle down!

And honestly, I’m not all hot to date all the time anyway. If I connect with someone I meet here or there, then fine. Overall, I’m often described by many men as very independant, and kind of like a “guy”, in that I’m in no rush to settle down.

And if sex came up by the 3rd date, I would definitely address it with the guy, like you mentioned.

It’s really the sex by the third date thing that was freaking me out in what you said. A man saying that a woman “should’ be having sex by the third date sounds to me as rushed as a woman saying that a guy “should” be her commited boyfriend by the 3rd date, and if he’s not, then he’s “dangling the golden relationship” and “a player”.

Ugh! “Slow down girl!” (Is what I’d tell a chick like that!). Likewise with the guy. (And I know, you’ve clarified what you meant by that 3rd date sex thing, so I’m not still actually harping on that point.)

And by “dropping a guy like a hot potato”, I mean that if he was PRESSURING me to have sex that quickly, or if his view was that I was somehow playing a game by not having sex that quickly, and refused to slow down and lighten up. I would think that was kind of rude and I wouldn’t want to continue if he had that viewpoint of me and of sex. Because that’s just so not my style, and I don’t like to pressure others to bend to my will or be pressured by them to bend to theirs. So it’s the pressure and insinuation that I was “playing a game”, or “dangling the golden pussy” (by keeping it chill) that would make me run, and run fast.

But you know what? I have backed away from guys before because THEY are the ones who want too much of a serious relationship too quickly (I mean in the relationship, not just sex), and that freaks me out too. So I’d drop a guy too if he was pressuring me to get too serious or in the emotional part of the relationship too quickly, and if he refused to slow down. Becuase I’m very much the “take your time” sort of person and in no need of an “instant boyfriend”. And one reason (just one) that I would not want to have sex so quickly is that some men DO glom on, and then it makes it hard to keep things casual once you’ve gone too far.

But I wouldn’t even bother with dating at all, if there wasn’t some element of a potential long-term nature. That was my point. Sex in and of itself is not my main motivator.

A point where I might disagree with you is the thing about men only feeling close to women after having sex with them. Maybe that is true for some, but I have dated men for months who felt closer to me than I did to them, and we were not having sex. One (who is still a close friend of mine) is still holding out that one day I’ll change my mind, marry him and have kids with him. So, I don’t think sex is the only means that men have in which to experience intimacy.

I do really like your style Hem. And I liked your “potoato”/”chef” reference! And I so very much agree with you on the Classic Female Syndrome stuff!!!!!

Rushing things can be sucky on both sides, when either gender does it to the other.

Sorry this is so long. But I want you to have all the info, so that if you diagnos me again, you can make it an accurate diagnosis, that I can use! (I say that very playfully, okay?! I’m not mad about being diagnosed! As long as I don’t have to cut you a check for $150, you can diagnos me all you want!)

LOL LOL I swear, I am not laughing at you but the way you word things makes me smile and LMAO! That is a compliment, honestly it is. You have the personality traits I hope one day to find in a man to share fun with. By FUN, I DO NOT MEAN SEX, unless that happens and thats ok because sex is a fun thing too.)

Won’t make a good chef hugh? lol You are not a felon? I would love to just sit and talk with you. i know they would kick me out of the coffee shop for to much laughing!

“he just appears and with out you noticing, he will steal your heart, mind and soul.” YIKES Is this the happening? I know my heart is in hiding from such a thing happening–or I would like to make myself believe that.

I do agree that women need to stop with the thinking every guy they meet is right, only to end up disapointed. I say enjoy many men/women. NOT SEXUALLY—unless thats your bag–it is not mine. I just mean enjoy the person and the things you can share. Have fun because life is too short to not have adventures! Hakuna Matada everybody! )

You are sufferering a Classic Female Syndrome. Why are you making dating a MISSION: CRITICAL take it easy, If you are looking for the right guy he will come along. Dont see every guy as a potentiail long term and stop freaking guys out with this attitude. Learn about every guy whom comes along in a generuos way, with light heart and casual mind. You are single not a felon!!. Take it easy, when the right guy comes, he just appears and with out you noticing, he will steal your heart, mind and soul. Feel the momment and live in it. Why are you looking for a long term at the beginning. This is a guy you are talking about not your job or your 401k plan.
Trust me on this, Stop thinking that you need a guy. Enjoy what you are doing and be passionate about few things which are close to your heart Learn to laugh at every momment and every oppurtunity. Be generous with your laughter, words and gifts.
Be happy and smile and see how people react to you in the same way. Thats when you are truely happy and thats when you will find the right guy

Did I sound like a gay??
Mind you, I am not a pyscharist and I am not saying, you are not happy. I am just saying, be happy enjoy your life and when the right guy, you will do what needs to be done

You are sufferering a Classic Female Syndrome. Why are you making dating a MISSION: CRITICAL take it easy, If you are looking for the right guy he will come along. Dont see every guy as a potentiail long term and stop freaking guys out

I’m still a little confused. And seriously, I’m not trying to be argumentative, so I hope I don’t sound like a jerk! Really. But I am a little “shocked”! I mean, because you’re saying “don’t feel pressured at having sex, take your time”. But that I “should have some sort of sex by the third date” or else I’ll be seen as playing some game or dangling a carrot?

So, which is it? Really?! Take my time, or I “should” do it by the 3rd date?

(And really, the man should be the one “dangling the carrot”, if you get my joke. I’m just trying to be funny! Sorry, that was probably dumb!)

But really, why “should” I have sex with someone I barely know, why is it a “should”? I mean, I’m also not saying that people “shouldn’t” if they want to.

But “should”? Does it really make me a player of some game if I’d genuinely really rather get to know him a little better first?

I guess I’m not so much having a tough time going out with guys. But what you wrote made me feel pressured and a little shocked! (Not that it really should matter that much, since you and I are not dating, and you are not pressuring ME! But I do want to understand more!)

But I don’t think I could ever have sex with a guy by the third date! And this I mean very genuinely: Do you also, then, by the third date run through all STD testing and history and talk about what the game plan will be if the woman gets pregnant?

I guess I see all this as very personal, and sex as more personal than something I’d do with someone after only spending only a few evenings with them so far, ever, in all of my life.

And well, maybe it’s also a matter of all of people having different objectives in dating. I guess I’m more so dating with the objective of meeting a potential long-term partner or spouse. And my dating objective is not one of procuring someone to have sex with.

In my opinion, also, dating someone who exhibits a sense of self-control is very important and attractive to me. Since self-control and the ability to delay gratification are essential for people to be able to partner, have a serious relationship and family. So if a guy was into sex by the 3rd date? I’d drop HIM like a hot potato! I think on the grounds that I’d view him as a player, not really interested in ME – and definitely not worth pursing as a boyfriend.

So maybe these differing standards aren’t really all that terrible (I’m thinking through this as I’m writing it). I was initially shocked by the thought that some guy might think i’m playing a game by not having sex with him by the 3rd date and I felt kind or shocked about that. But if that would be the case, I guess it wouldn’t be so bad, because he and I probably wouldn’t be compatible overall anyway… ?

I mean, I guess it’s my body, and it’s my right to have sex or not have sex, if I’m not ready. Maybe I’d overall just rather that it be seen as me being honest and authentic though, versus playing some “game”.

Yes, Mario is very sexy and his words and the way he plays the sax??mmm

He is in Rome. I just talked to him online a bit ago. i do not know what the time difference is and he really doesn’t understand when I ask certain things, but his answers are cute;)

We are talking to each other as best as possible, but i see nothing long term with him much less anyone else. Definitely no sex!