When Is The Right Time To Have Sex?
September 10, 2007 
94 Comments
When Is The Right Time To Have Sex? By David Wygant
Recently I’ve been dating a therapist. We had a long discussion one night about when the best time is to have sex with someone for the first time.
Of course she cited all sorts of studies that said that the longer you wait, the greater the chances that things will develop into a long relationship. I disagreed with this idea.
My ex and I spent seven years together, and we slept together within the first two weeks after we started dating. It was just part of why we were attracted to each other.
So instead of me rambling on and on today, I want to conduct my own survey . . . and everyone needs to contribute. Tell me when you think the perfect time is to sleep with someone for the first time in order to have the best chance of the relationship being successful.
Today, this blog is all about you. I want to spend my day reading your thoughts and commenting on them. Let the conversation begin . . .
I’ll actually be VERY curious to read what the men’s thoughts are on this topic … because this is one topic that frankly baffles me.
I was always under the impression that David’s therapist friend was correct, however, my own experience is not consistent with that theory. The guy I waited the longest the longest with (and actually never did sleep with) ended after five months because he thought he had waited too long, whereas my longest relationship (almost 2 years) was with someone I slept with on the third date …
So, is there no rhyme or reason to this? Is there no one “right answer?” I’m very curious … so might I ask the men to speak up and be very forthright? Your honesty and “words of wisdom” will be much appreciated!!
The “right” time is any time a man and a woman agree to have sex. The suddenness or drawn out process of doing the deed shouldn’t, in my opinion and experience, have any significance on whether a relationship fizzles, begins, blossoms, fades or ends.
If you want each other, have each other and enjoy.
Faryn:
I agree with that 110%. I think two consenting adults who feel the time is right mutually have the sense enough to make that choice. To linger on and on when there is an attraction and common interests there would be very frustrating.
I’d say be careful of course who you get with, enjoy the time you can with them. It may be the only chance you get.
The outcome can range from a “happily ever after” to a broken heart in need of mending. You can possibly have a friend for life there for you.
The point is, if you never take a chance in this life, how will you ever know what could have been?
Ohh
Sex changes everything………..:)
Jim – Would you care to elaborate???
Jim,
What exactly it changes?
Elizabeth,
Like Faryn, you know when its a go sexually. I would rather wait, take the low road. I have found that woman will let you know what they want when they want it, regardless! And if and when, or when and if. YOu’ll know! But afterwards everything changes. Someone wants more. In my case its been the women wanting more than i could give them. My heart has yet to tell me i want more. Call it love, or just a feeling, I listen to my heart. So for me sex changes everything.
Simply put, day 1 (or should I say night 1??).
Studies, schumdies. I just heard of a study released a couple of weeks ago that said that couples who sleep together on the first date are more likely to stay together.
There are always outliers on the studies. My mom and step dad agreed to wait 6 months and they are still married 15 years later.
I’ve had relationships where I’ve waited, and where I haven’t. I do think there is some advantage to waiting– if you are unsure of the other person. I also think why you are having sex is important.
My current relationship, we did not wait. Of course, neither of us had any expectation of a relationship either.
Lexi
Great point having no expectations is the key to making any relationship work!!
Tony…so true and this study we are doing today is about how scientific they get so never ever listen to a study:)
I hope I write this correctly, I’m in a hurry so stay with me!
There is a big difference between attraction, flirting, chemistry, heated making-out, sex, making love, fun, whether it’s for one time or many … a relationship that embraces all of that for one time or many times doesn’t necessasarily “have to” follow thru with love, commitment, living together, getting married and staying together. Or any combination thereof.
I wrote before that there are many levels of love. Being able to differentiate between the “love” one feels upon orgasim and the “love” one feels when in a loving, committed, living together, getting married and staying together relationship, is key. I feel “love” towards my mark every time, do I stay with him because of that? Or he with me? NO.
Men and Women need to keep their heart and feelings out of their sex organs when having sexual relations. Men and Women confuse the two; sex does not equal or mean LOVE, by the same token, LOVE does not equal or mean sex – many happily married couples, especially the elderly, are evidence of that. It is only after agreement, time and particular ingredients added to the mix should Men and Women fall into the level of love that joins them exclusively together. And that period of time is nebulous.
I asked my parents what they thought. Two people whom I respect above all others gave me their answers, with huge smiles upon their faces. My Father wanted inside my Mother the moment he first saw her. My Mother wanted the same. And so they came together within hours of meeting. They have been together, including married, for over 50 years. I am the product of one of those tender sharings. They only fell in love after several years of marriage, they only understood the depth of their love long, long, long after the bloom of their deep seated passion had faded.
It is beautiful to see them together.
Faryn,
This is so beautiful!
Well Faryn, I will so agree again here with you.
I have NEVER believed in “love at first sight.” Lust at first site? ALL THE TIME;)
I deeply believe that real deep passionate love is something that has to be nurtured with attentive behaviors on both parts, respect and the understanding each others different qualities.
This only comes over extended periods of time talking together, making love together, going through good as well as the bad together—
I also believe one can love this deeply but it be slaughtered over a period of one blow after the other. This I have suffered, but I do believe love exists and that one day it will find me in tangible form.
If we give up hope on love, I believe we give up hope on life. What is life without love? Very empty is the answer to that question. Now, I am not talking about a smothering love, nor marriage. Been there done that.
I am referring to having someone you can love talking with, spending time in and out of bed with, share and enjoy each others interests and dreams.
This is love in my opinion. Sex is not love; a piece of paper that keeps you bound by contract CERTAINLY IS NOT love. Those are biproducts of love.
Love should be a happy time even when times are tough–you have each other:)
Is there a good time if you’re thinking in the long term. The longest I’ve ever been with anyone, I think we waited til our second date. The next longest, again the second date. I think…
You have to remember that this was way back in the day.
Neither of those turned out well and now I just seem to have difficulties keeping my skirt down or my pants up. lol. It doesn’t really matter to me at this point. I just have to have attraction and friendship. On the other hand, I had some really great dates where the only thing that happened was some rather tight squeezing. Going to be seeing a couple of those squeezers again too. Either way, no worries. I just let what happens happen. I don’t really feel the need to control that part of the dating just the part where I meet new men and the kinds of men that I meet.
to jim,
….just recently I heard what you are saying, “men hope that women don’t change, and women hope that men do change….
faryn
congratulations on your parents 50th……
I can’t sleep, very unusual for me. 9/11 … Memories as fresh today as if it were 2001.
For those who’ve gone before us, we will never forget you. For those that remain, we remember you and share, each in our own way, your pain.
*************************************************************
Since I’ve nothing else and nobody else to do, I shall Blog! Thank you David for providing me with an outlet for my restlessness. Would that there were another more pleasurable outlet …. ummmm.
Jim; if you want a woman, go get her. If she puts you off and makes you wait for “it”, then move on. You have to wonder at her agenda. I dispise women who dangle their pussy (ok so I can talk trashy) like it were the Golden Fleece and Nirvana all in one package before a man’s bulging eyes. They really need to get over themselves! If you want a woman for a lasting relationship, that is entirely different. You “would rather wait, take the low road. I have found that woman will let you know what they want when they want it, regardless! And if and when, or when and if.” What is that all about? I have no factual data, but darling my intuition tells me the majority of the women you’ll pass by every day probably want you immediately, they simply don’t have the courage or knowledge to let you know that and itch for YOU to be the one to get in their face/space. Wait? Wait for what? A written invitation? A woman looks at you, smiles – and you know “that” smile … and you wait? Uh-oh! David …
Joan, as I’m discovering more and more, you are lovely and a delight to read. However, I was stunned and perhaps have misunderstood, and if I have please forgive me, with your inference of “one can love this deeply but it be slaughtered over a period of one blow after the other. This I have suffered…” Heed my words: Any man that strikes a woman with physical blows or verbal shots, is a coward and you must not allow yourself to ever be treated in this manner. Self-respect demands it. There is no excuse for this treatment and no excuse for your allowance of it. NONE. That isn’t love and you know it. I do hope you’ve moved on. If you haven’t, don’t be offended but you really need to WAKE UP. Would you allow a child, elder person, mentally or physically challeneged person to be treated thusly? I didn’t think so. A woman is no physical match for an abusive man. Do not allow yourself to be subjected to such abuse. Boundaries dear. Mark your territory clearly. Or someone will continue such disgusting treatment of you simply because they can.
Bertie, continue to have fun, play and enjoy yourself. Why not? Experience all the possibilities, that’s why there are so many varieties of candy in the candy store; a nibble here a nibble there and eventually you will find the perfect treat for you. It seems you understand keeping your parts separated, I like that. Giving your heart is beautiful even if only for a little while. Learn from the experience, grow from it and when it’s time to move on, do so without regrets or heartache.
I’ve never met a man I’ve cried over. For each has given me something of himself. Even if only a wet spot.
May you all spend today as your Heart desires.
Ah Faryn,
I’ve met only one man who truly broke my heart. The one who promised to be there no matter what. I think that kind of changes you. While most might think that men stray for the purposes of taking care of his member, it really isn’t so. I cried for a long time over that. It does take a long time to love someone like that and a lot of introspection to get over it. The majority of the pain left when I realized how calm and quiet the house was after he was gone. The inquisitions, the accusations, and the little tests got to be a bit much after 20 years of being together. I dated before I got married, but there was really an agenda to it at the time. You know get married after college, have kids, and a white pickett fence. No agenda this time around and lots more fun!
” I dated before I got married, but there was really an agenda to it at the time. You know get married after college, have kids, and a white pickett fence.”
Bertie one word norms. i find that people in this america fast food culture feel a pressure to stay in the norm and conform…and are too pussy to challenge/question it, (sheep) there a timeline in this culture… college in your early to mid twenties…start your career/ live on your own. in your mid to late twenties, and married by your mid thirities…
I find this to be a problem, because i’m a semi-nonconformist, and this make it hard for me to find someone my age or older, because in this society i’m a loser/ not of the norm. … most women have somewhat of a problem with it.
case in point.. a little about myself…
I”m 29, i decided to go to college to finish my degree and then get my masters… i still live in the land of milk and cookies ( with my family) and i work a dead end part time job…. too me i’m working toward my future. i got laid off from my last job, and i was sick of the dead end bullshit of being pay shit to do drone work… i’m too creative, so i decided to finally get off my ass and do something about it…. intivitutive..doing something
I find some women have a problem with this… because of this agenda or timeline. and even though i’m postitive in light of it… it’s still in the back of my mind… I would like to find a women who is passionate and encouraging. no pressure no timelines.. just her and me, and the moon/stars in the sky.
cheers,
Joe
i just wanted 2 write something…im a virgin, but then again ive only had one boyfriend for 4 days (he was 2 sex-crazy & he couldnt wait any longer,lol.) . but i think this info will help me in the future. thanks. =)
darkpoet!
WOW. I think you wrote more today than ever ona blog, and I love it! Your honesty and being so open is a breath of frsh air. I think you need to scratch yourself off my posting to todays (9/11) blog. I reallythink you are a man that would answer every question without wavering and in the sweetest of MANor;) I think you know what is important to the woman as a whole, and that is of the utmost importance for a relationship to flourish.
You go with that degree! I know how “fun” school is at times:) LOL
I went to Dr. today for a crapload of tests of every kind, and news no one wnts to hear if they enjoy their work, which I do. I have been told because of the Fibro, my Massage days are numbered. I will be the one going to get the massage, BUT that is ok. That is why i am pursuing my degree. Always good to have something to fall back on anyway. Wish I had listened to that good advice years ago, but it is never too late.
Joe, stay true to who you are and I am positive you will have the woman you desire come when you least expect it. You are a sweet man. Cheers to you!
Marissa,
There’s nothing wrong with being sex-crazed. You might find that one day you are, but I think it needs to be YOUR decision as to when, where, and with whom. So if it don’t feel right to you, don’t do it. Big kudos to you.
Joe,
There’s nothing wrong with being unconventional. At least not in my point of view. In truth my agenda really came down to I wanted kids, but that’s another sad, sad, sad story that I’m not really comfortable sharing. Let me just say that I’ve made some very difficult decisions in my life with regards to relinquishing people I loved. I almost didn’t maintain the relationship I had with my ex because he was very sure he was sterile since he and his first wife were married three or four years and nothing happened even though they didn’t use any form of birth control. I lived with my parents til I got married at 21, and we as a couple lived with them for another year after we were married. I live next door to my mother which was a decision my parents made because it is easier to care for an ailing father when you’re next door and not across town. My dad and my grandmother have both died within the last ten years. My grandmother came to live with our family when grandpa died in…well way back. I was five at the time. So I know non-conventional and doing the right thing.
The only problem I see with your situation is that most women will think that you are looking for a bread winner. Which may be something that you need to address once you have some sort of relationship started. I think you sell the American people short when you speak of us in such sweeping terms. We aren’t all nuclear family insular. There are a lot of people just like me who live tied to their family no matter how crazy they might make us. Its just that you probably won’t run into us in big cities, unless we’re there visiting. Trust me, if I don’t warn my mother I’m on a date, it is inevitable that she will call. She has Mandar….Her spidey senses scream, Roberta Ann is on a date! You must call! If she doesn’t the other wonderful woman in my life will…..my daughter. She’s got a bad case of Mandar too.
thanks joan, i know you you feel the same cheers,
Joe
Faryn;
I don’t take offense at all to your post.
As for physical blows, one is all it took for him to know I was not going to stand and cry, “don’t hit me.” He should have known with my kick box training, I wasn’t going to, BUT I did go off with some powerful leg swipes, which sent him running to the police station to file a report on me. lol Idiosy. I knew the police chief, the lientenant, and all the cops because they all came to the gym I worked at. They knew too well the shit he put me through by seeing the assinine behavior live and in person. He was almost cuffed and arrested by one of the officers who had stopped by to talk to the chief, and then to say hello to me in my office. He was in uniform, so he was on duty and ready. It was all over stupid jealousy, when HE was (and is) the cheating one.
The verbal and mental are worse than a bruise. Bruises go away, but words tend to stick, and eat away until you feel you have withered and faded into a mere existence of nothingness. Yes, I know that is not love and if it were, I would pass on “love,” I have sometimes said, “love is a four letter word.” I do want and deserve to be loved and I know it will happen in good time. It seems lately, their are suitors from far away lands in pursuit. (of the eyes anyway…shit!) I have always been told to let love find me? Hmmm Maybe there is something to that.;)
Yes, I am getting my stuff together step by step. I will probably be moving closer to my mom in CA next year, and get a job there. I will be “leaving behind” my kids and grandbaby which breaks my heart, BUT it is time for me. Me needs to live and be happy where I am at and see what is in the future on MY horizon. I hate to sound so me, myself and I, but it has been live and sarifice my whole life for others. I am not complaining because my kids are so AWESOME and intelligent. I love them with all that is within me and whats better is they return that love a million fold. It is just my time to move on and find life. I am excited to forge into the unknown! I will ALWAYS help and live to helpothers because that is who I am.
Thank you Faryn. A friend of mine was not to long ago re-affirming the same things you have pointed out here to me, so hey, you and everyone else as well as myself—we can’t ALL be wrong—right?
I forgot about the college thing. I’m not done yet either at 43. I’m planning on starting back once I get the youngest settled into a University of his choice. Then I’ll be going back to finish a bachelors and work toward a doctorate. You can only toss around three and four hundred pound folks for so long before your back starts singing old Twisted Sister songs.
bertie, i know theres nothing wrong wit being sex-crazed (i think i might actually be one day 2.), but it just never feels right whenever i get in a sexual situation. i think it might be because of how my life’s been…thats the explanation for the way everyone is. but i hope one day, i hope to be intimate with someone.
It all comes down to what is comfortable for the TWO people involved.
I was married for a long time, then divorced, so this whole dating process is new to me.
I’ve had two relationships over the past couple years. The first one was sex on the first date. The relationship lasted a couple months, I just wasnt in love with her.
The second relationship was with a girl I met in a group of friends, then months later in another group situation and we developed a connection. Wasnt really a date until after we slept together, but then that lasted 9 months. I did/do love the girl, but compatiblity on different aspects just isnt there. The sex was great.
Before, between and after these two relationships were first dates, second dates, and more with different women. One woman we saw each other for dinner lunches etc, even slept in the same bed, but NO sex. Another woman I saw a few times, went to a concert, had dinner, had dinner at her house, a kiss and a hug, but NO real connection and I just couldnt even visualize moving in a step towards sex.
My sister had sex with her current husband on the first date, they are married with two beautiful boys now 12 years later. They still have this amazing passion for each other.
I think the sex on the first date is fine, you pretty much know the passion and attraction are there. Developing the relationship further towards exclusiveness, vacations together, living together, lifelong commitment is a different aspect of a relationship.
But that’s just my opionion. If the woman I’m interested in doesnt want to have sex right away, that’s fine, its part of the deeper more meaningful relationship.
Oh God …. I woke from a nightmare wherein a virgin child had fallen into the lusty adult Kingdom of David ….
Please tell me I’m still in the throes of dark disbelief?
Faithful Joan of Blog?
Hunter?
Jim?
Darkpoet?
Bertie?
Child, I was informed you’ve snatched up a word – “sandbox” – that was introduced to the Kingdom of David by one of our wounded fallen angels who is no longer … well, who is on a leave of absence. That word is very precious to me, so tread V E R Y lightly ….
David, we do discuss some rather delicate, heated, in-depth topics in your delicious blogs, sharing significantly personal details, and while I’m not one for certain types of censorship, I don’t feel comfortable with a child roaming amongst us seasoned adults.
As our Master, and well aware of the trail threads sometimes leave, I defer to your professional leadership. And I will of course, follow suit.
oh.lol…im no child…sorry to confuse you! im just young. much younger than all of you, that ive taken note.
Its an open forum so feel free to say what’s on your mind!
We all can learn from each other and I am always curious about what all of you have to say!
I feel there is a right time in every relationship, given the circumstances as well, where that time is right. Both people just want it to happen and things fall into place for that first time.
Is there really a right time in a relationship to have sex for the first time when it wouldn’t matter if they aren’t a fit for you?
I’ve still yet to have a relationship last to the one year mark. Came close a couple times with 11 and 9 months (and later was with a virgin, which is open to a whole other range of topics right there). So speaking from personal experince may be different then what others may say based on their experiences.
Depending on the girl and situation with how things were going, that right time was usually several dates (spanning at least 1-3 weeks) to nearly 2 months with the most recent gf, or even the next day if the situation is right. Some flings ended pretty much after the sex 1-3 weeks into the fling. In those cases, wither we had sex or not, or when we had it, wasn’t going to make those last any longer then they did.
While dating the virgin, there was all sorts of pent up sexual energy the entire time btwn us. Which may or may not have had an effect on the long termness of the relationship. It is always hard to judge things after 5+ years when you are a totally different person.
(can dating virgins be grouped in this category even?)
Sex and sexual chemistry is an important part to a relationship for the long term. But when it happens isn’t as important as how the two people feel about it and the chemistry that is sparked and created by it.
My apologies young one … Welcome and have fun, you are amongst friends who, like myself, will give food to satisfy your hungry appetite for knowledge.
Beware what you sample in the buffet before you. Advice from a learned scholar:
“A little learning is a dangerous thing; drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring: there shallow draughts intoxicate the brain, and drinking largely sobers us again.”
Alexander Pope (1688 – 1744) in An Essay on Criticism, 1709
Marrisa,
Have you met ourJoe, the DarkPoet?
Marrisa, this is Joe. Joe, this is Marrisa.
Now you both met!
King David!!!
This sounds so profound, so deep…
It never occurred to me that somebody can call David Wygant The King! But then, why not?
And if David Wygant is The King and if this is his Kingdom, what does it make us? The Knights of the Round Table?
Joan,
Oh you did just find the perfect words!
“The verbal and mental are worse than a bruise. Bruises go away, but words tend to stick, and eat away until you feel you have withered and faded into a mere existence of nothingness.”
I was so unnerved the last year or two of my marriage that it is beyond comprehension that I am the same person. Everyone around me save for my ex, of course, hurt for me. It pained them to watch what was going on, but you do what you have to do if you believe in what you said when you married, and if your word means something. If this means being mistreated, then yes you do it. You do it til you have exhausted all possibilities for reconciling. If you cut ties and run too soon in a marriage you can’t have the closure that we’ve been so fervent about in the “Courtesy Call”. You make a lifetime commitment and you stick with it until you can’t do anymore and then you can be at peace with yourself. I remember being afraid the way I was breathing, or just being in the room with him was going to piss him off and I didn’t leave even though my children all told me to write the marriage off. They wanted me to leave their father. I was too afraid to go even stay with my mother for fear that he would accuse me of abandoning the kids and take them from me. While that may not be an issue for some even some parents, it is particularly a sore spot with me because he had used it more than once in our marriage when I had said I can’t talk to you right now, I have to go. So you see there are sometimes when you endure things that you wouldn’t normally put up with because your word means something, and the relationship means something.
I believe as several others have stated: You should be comfortable with having sex with someone if both are wanting it at any point in the dating game. I have had the different wait times and have had different results; it all depends on whether both people want to be with each other.
America is one of the few, if not the only country, that is hung up on sex and tells everyone that it is a sin to enjoy the human body. Countries all over the world do not have these issues of when is the best time to have sex, only in America do these beliefs survive.
Not really Kelly. There are many countries that aren’t nearly as progressive with regards to sex. If you’re comparing the US to Europeans then you’re right, but there are more countries in this world.
Bertie;
YES! You see the reasoning I stayed and why. I always thought a promise is a promise is a promise! Those vows weren’t just blither blather. They were a covenant we made and I was in for the stay. I did all I could and more, but it takes two to make a thing go right–as the song says.
Yes, i remember the walking on egg shells ALL THE TIME! Shit, punch my lights out already. That is the worst feeling when you are supposed to be in the “comfort” of your own home, and can’t relax save your life. Not only did I have to watch myself, but try making 3 very energetic youngsters be zombies….NOT!
I remeber taking all three with their skates and my rollerblades to this big smooth parking lot down the street. We had a ton of fun together. My kids were and still are my “salvation” as far as this abusive idiot is concerned. Now they are older and very defensive for my well being.
You’re right. You do what you have to do, especially when you have “fallen in love,” at such a young age, had kiddos the center point of your world for numerous years and much smarts, but little education.
BUT:) my favorite transitional word!!!
It is never too late to take back every bit of sense that was so unfairly robbed from you from the one who is supposed to love you most. LOL Keep that kind of love baby, cause mama ain’t doin the stipid no mo!!!:))
I am ready to live and live happy;) Dating yes! Sex, when the time is “right,” oh yes, marriage——–I don’t see that. It would take someone very awesome to knock me off my feet to say those two words with such voulumes of meaning—if it is right.
Right now–”I Don’t.”
LOL What is the “stipid” you ask??
It is stupid with a touch of idiot—stipid! lol Works for me
Ah Joan! You so get it! I don’t know about that marriage thing either. I think I’d much rather piss my mother off and live in sin. Hell, I just found myself, and I’m really afraid I’ll lose me if I commit in anyway shape or form. Which may account for the previous string of one hit wonder dates I had last year. I’ve learned though that saying never always gets me into trouble. So I’ll just say maybe to that whole walking down the aisle thing. As you say, he’s gonna have to be Something! One thing I’ve noticed, is that I run like bloody hell at the first whiff of arrogance. My ex told a mutual acquaintance “Oh, I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of stories about me!” When I heard, all I could say to this friend was, when have you heard me talk about him without being asked a direct question? Enuff said! Pretty big coming from a guy who has little in the way of being arrogant about. Pft!
This mama aint doin’ stoooPID any mo’ eithah!
Americans are very uptight about sex but they are not the only country that has sexual issues.
In asia there is a huge sexual revolution going on that the elders are wishing never happened…sex is a blast and no one should ever judge anyones sexual freedom.
I’ve had relationships that started both ways. But I believe that ones that started with myself and my partners not waiting, too long, were the most fullfilling & rewarding relationships I’ve been in so far. The ones I’ve waited for just didn’t seem as fullfilling. The passion just wasn’t there like the other relationships. Like the old saying.. “Missed the boat” so to speak. When the sparks fly, I go with it! =)
Bertie;
lol I don’t want topiss my French Irishand Indian mother off for sure;) Indian on the warpath!
I plan on a dating life, like outings, or museums…but to have sex after sex…? I love to be in the throws of a passionate encounter, but to just say yes for the sake of having that temporary thrill, is it worth it in the long run? That will be the question that I ask myself. I have a tendency to weigh things out when I am making any decision in this life, and I find sex will be no different.
David;
I do agree with that statement that no one should ever judge anyones sexual freedom, much less or more anything else. Judge ye not lest ye be judged is a good rule to live by there.
Well sometimes it is. I’m not saying anonymous type stuff, but sex with a connection just not the assumption that its going to continue forever. I had one of those holiday romances in January that changed my mind about it. Portland was cold but the relationship was hot. He was great fun in and out of the bedroom. He and that four days were a major step outside of my comfort zone. I did something I thought was absolutely nuts, and I’m oh so glad I did. I met one of the best loves of my life. He was wonderful for me. He said a couple of things that I hadn’t heard in forever. The first was, nothing really pisses you off does it? and you are very sweet. The first I’d never heard from the ex and the latter, well it had been some long time since I’d heard that. So sometimes, I’d say that sex for the thrill of it might be a very good thing.
Dave, & group at large,
I’ve been lurking for about a week, reading through Dave W’s blog entries and the responses from the community. I have very much enjoyed everyones perspectives, input, opinions and commentary.
Im 40, generally conservative, and am re-entering the dating scene, making me perhaps uniquely unqualified to respond to this blog… (thats a joke I hope) however I do feel I have an answer, at least for myself.
If it’s sex I’m interested in, and sometimes thats really all it is, then it really doesnt matter what the right time is in the context of this blog. I’ve been lucky enough to have relationships hold for a while after sex very early, maybe second or third date. Generally though my expectation is not for a long term relationship in these circumstances.
If it’s a relationship I’m interested in, then for me the timing has to be based on the depth and openness of communication I have with my prospective partner, and the level of interpersonal respect that has been established.
These things do take time, supporting the “later is better” principal. As a rule of thumb, though, when a couple can engage in an open discussion about the consequences to their relationship of adding sexual activity, and whatever the partners say on this subject is understood to be valid and trusted to be accurate, then the relationship is deeply established enough where the intimate physical dimension of sex can really contribute to the developing relationship.
Of course, how long this takes depends on the people involved, the baggage, extra relationships, all that. If my partner and I are playing by the rules, I expect it to take a couple of months to reach a sincere, honest depth of understanding. So thats my answer: Three Months! With all my little caveats observed.
Back to lurking for a bit. I’m interested in any reaction my opinion may solicit. I wish everyone well.
W.
Hey Wyatt! Welcome to being a “visible” member of our community
As I mentioned above, my intuition would be (and was for a long time) to agree with what you wrote … but then I did an interesting experiment. I asked all my guy friends (all of whom I think are great guys and who are or have been in good relationships) what they think about this.
Do you know what they said … what ALL of them said? They all said that not only that waiting did not make a relationship more likely to develop, but in fact it made it less likely. They all said that they thought no less of a woman who slept with them within the first few dates, and their decision to (or not to) date someone did not weigh this as a factor.
So … I can only say that I’m starting to change my viewpoint on this …
Again, Wyatt, welcome
Wyatt,
Three months? I’m forty-three, and I just don’t know that I could hold off that long particularly if there was attraction or chemistry there. Maybe three weeks….Granted sex is not the be all and end all of existence, but its pretty damn important in the definitions of human needs. If its taking me that long to make up my mind about whether I should or shouldn’t, I probably shouldn’t. I’m just glad that Gracie has nice men friends that don’t seem to have different standards.
Wyatt,
Welcome to this blog!
My opinion – I don
Gracie,
What your guy friends said is pretty much true for me also. Having sex earlier in a relationship does not make me less likely to date someone, and I certainly dont think less of my partner after sex.
I also think your guy friends have a good point about chances of a relationship decreasing over time without sex. Any number of reasons that might be true.
Bertie,
Good point! Of course, I dont have a stopwatch running, counting off three months. I think three weeks might be just as good as three months, if a couple has developed the rapport and trust I so much desire for myself when building a relationship. To abstain artificially when we both so obviously want to go that way might cause my partner some confusion about my intentions, and would probably be as damaging to relationship building as any number of other signs the relationship isnt a long term candidate.
My thinking when I posted earlier was really more about how long it takes me to feel the level of trust and openness required as the foundation of a long term relationship. There’s not a high correlation between sex and trust/openness, so in that sense how long to wait doesnt really matter. My objectivity about a relationship does get compromised a little once sex is introduced, but thats just me. I dont confuse sex and love, but I do overlook some kinds of interpersonal problems with a sexual partner that I would not overlook without sex.
Anyway thanks Gracie and Bertie for your feedback! It seems three months is too long. Darn! gotta move faster.
Jessica,
Yes, that does seem to be the consensus. Your post came in as I was drafting mine, or I would have included you!
I have found this site very interesting for me, reentering the dating scene. What a great way to organize a broad spectrum of dating topics, with opinions, ideas and feelings from a cross-section of the dating population.
Dave, for me this is a confidence builder. I say good work!
I wish everyone a good day,
W
Thanks Wyatt that’s what I am here for to help people have fun in dating!
When you have a chance check out my mastery series on my products page.
It is an in depth program to help you navigate the dating game.
Have a great day and thanks for joining the fun!!
Wyatt,
Ah the differences between men and women make the world go around don’t they? When I begin a sexual relationship is when I become more objective about the realities of long term. I’m actually less likely to overlook problems. Sharing my heart requires a much different level of trust for me. When I was dating before, I didn’t have all this history, kids, a career in full stride. I have lots more to share that a man has to fit with than I did when I was nineteen.
Hi… just joined this community today, and I am liking what I see so far. I am Mel, 49, divorced, 2nd time…hate “dating” and prefer to be in a relationship, but that isn’t going so well right now. Just got stung a little bit, it’s all posted on the Courtesy page. Just want to jump in and add my thoughts. I have a friend who is in her 40s, single and dying to be in a r’ship. She dates a lot. She is a firm believer that waiting is the key to getting there. I just don’t think that, as someone said, dangling the golden pussy is the answer. If waiting feels right, then wait. For me, waiting really never did feel right. My ex and I did not sleep together the first night we went out, but we did the second, and 17 years and two awesome daughters later, I can honestly tell you the divorce is not related to sleeping together too soon, lol.
That being said, in relation to my recent sting situation, I’m sort of glad I didn’t sleep with the guy, because what happened in the long run would have probably hurt that much more than it does right now. I just don’t think I want to go the “friends w/ benefits” route, and I know I didn’t want to do that with this last guy for sure. If two consenting people have no problem with that, then that is totally cool, too.
Well, I’m starting to ramble I think, so I will stop for now, but looking forward to chatting w/ you guys from time to time!
Mel
Personally… if I’m feeling it from someone… I’ll go for it. If not… I won’t.
However, I do tend to avoid the “casual” encounter just for sake of the “casual” encounter…
another factor to consider, suppose you meet a seducer/seductress, pick-up artist? I there is no waiting in that line….lol!
OK…I did something last night I really NEVER do, and it was fun and I have no regrets about having done it. Girls are at their dad’s this weekend, the week basically sucked, and when I had gotten home from work I talked to my cute Columbian neighbor who although he has lived there for 2 years we pretty much never made it past hi how are you. I decided I was going to “seduce” him for lack of a better word. Didn’t know if it would actually happen or not, but thought why not and put the vibe out there. Picked up some heiniken on the way home from dropping the girls. Neighbor was outside when I pulled up and I offered him a beer. He came in and we started to talk. I sent him home 2 beers later so I could shower the day away, he came back, we had great sex (him: It’s only sex…no emotions, can you handle that. me: yep!) and he went home. I guess maybe it was a little self-destructive? But not, either…it was fun and between 2 consenting adults. How’s that for too soon?
As long as it was fun girlfriend! Just remember its all about you! As long as you can look back at it and say, “Wow, that was fun, I’m glad I took the opportunity!”. That’s all that really matters. My only word of caution would be the zip code rule. Something about not playing around in your own zip code, but as long as you can still say hello to him without getting embarassed, what’s the big deal? I don’t know that its really self destructive unless you have a hard time separating plain old sex from love. There is something to be said for having a good friendship with your sex.
True that about the zip code thingy, but I’m fine about it. I have done nothing to feel embarassed about and neither has he, we are grown up people who both knew the score. Haven’t seen him as yet today, but I’m fine and staying busy. Would be kinda fun to have a sex friend and not the emotional aspect, but not so sure I can really do that. I needed what happened last night, too, to prove to myself that I am fully capable of separating out the emotional aspect…I don’t “fall in love” with every man I meet. Not that I fell in love with New Guy, but I know the difference in what I felt with him (and no actual sex) and what happened last night. Last night was about the sex, period. I have no problem with that!
Its all about you Mel! Until such time as you want to make it about you and someone else…
Just passed the running into the neighbor test…it was fine. All smiles, last night was great…no talk of repeat performance…it IS all about me, you are so right, Bertie!
I think the “right” time is whenever both people feel okay about it and that they *want* to get that intimate. I think the problem is when there’s pressure involved, or an expectation that sex is automatically a part of the “deal”, on demand, when 2 people begin dating.
I should mention, i’m 37, and female. And I used to be very open to the casual sex scene. So I am by no stretch a “prude”. But as I’m getting older, I’m changing my tune about it being “expected”. I’ve been very increasingly frustrated lately with the pressure and expectation for sex from men, out on the dating scene. And before there is any established relationship.
I’ve read mention (above) to the “dangling the golden pussy” approach. But here’s the thing: sometimes we’re not “dangling” it. Sometimes we’re just not ready to get that intimate. I think there’re some crucial aspects of sex that are different for women, and that men don’t often understand. But I think they need to – and also need to have some respect for what sex is like for us, as women.
And I hope I don’t sound too militant here! I’m definitely not a prude when it comes to sex! But really, sex *is* different for us physically. The fact is that sex involves something – for lack of a better way of phrasing it – being put *into* our bodies. This is a really big deal. We spend a lot more time looking after our private areas than men do and there’s a lot more that we have to deal with then men do. Being sexually active affects us differently. We’re succeptable to all kinds of nasty and painful infections when we’re sexually active (I’m not even talking about STDs), like UTIs, bacterial infections, reactions to condoms, more frequent yeast infections. We’re always worried and nervous about getting preganant, even if we’re using contraception.
This is all a really big deal! I’m not saying that that makes sex a bad thing! But I think men should really have some respect and understanding that this makes sex different for us. And it really sucks to be pressure into allowing access to such a private and sensitive part of our bodies that affects our health differently than it affects men.
Sorry this is so long! Ultimately, I guess my point is that I think the right time for sex is when both people feel comfortable with it and ready to get that intimate. If both people’s boundaries and not respeted, the relaitonship probably won’t last anyway… sex or no sex.
I have been reading the blog and the entries for quite while now, I am the “Invisible One”. I like the way David blogs and how people like Fryn,Joan, Dark poet respond.
I agree with rest of our guys, Guys prefer women who sleep with them on first or second date. Its’ plain chemistry or connection.Guys feel chemistry “after” they have sex with women and feel more connected and attracted to her then. But for women, what I found is, First they want to feel the connection and only then will they have sex. So, this might take them, time to really feel the connection and could be at end of guys interest.
Guys like dont like women who act as hard to catch for a long time. One date or Two dates are ok, But from third date, it could mean, she a player or just not interetsed in you in “that” way.So its no use pursuing her. Well, Thats what I feel
Sorry for the typo errors, just like any regular guy, didn’t proof read it
Hem;
I am glad to be amongst one of your favs:) as far as posting goes.
I think as a woman speaking here, I want to feel both. I don’t however believe you should, as a woman have relations with a man with your heart wrapped up inside your pussy.
Sorry for my bluntness, but that is where trouble begins, if you have sexual relations so soon after a connection is made. Women DO want to connect on a deeper basis, and i think that is half due to the fact , it justifies more the promiscuity on her part because of societies perception of a sexually active female as opposed to the active male.
Frolicking and fondleing can be fun without the emotional bs attached. We as women need to chill out and just enjoy the lovemaking and attention of the man as a whole, and if it works out hooray, and if not..a billion more out there in the sea of sensuality. There is no replacement for a mans touch and wam breath as he caresses your body.
MMM Just enjoy and don’t get too caught up on one, unles the feelings are mutual..then LOOK OUT! That is when passionate lovemaking embarks on untreaded ground. You break out of that fear zone and go for the gusto, because there is a trust factor that breaks all barriers! Damn, lok out Dr. Ruth! LOL
Yea..lol Mel:
girls need to spell check as well looking at my posts. LOL Good to have you aboard:) I like your ending–”well, thats what I feel.” Humble and sweet. I like that.
Yeah, Joan, there is quite a difference in having sex with someone you don’t know that well and the intense passion that comes from making love with someone you do. My ex and I had the sex part down great, it was the rest of life that got in the way of continuing in our marriage. Hangin’ with the neighbor was fine for Friday night…not looking for a repeat engagement, though wouldn’t pass it by if the opportunity presented itself again. So no reply from my email, though none was expected and I’m fine. In my wild weekend adventure, I met another guy Saturday night who is MUCH younger than I am. Not sure about this, though he has been texting me yesterday and today and supposed to call later tonight. I don’t think he realizes how much older I am (too embarrassed to even tell you guys right now) and there is really probably only one thing we could do together, and I’m pretty sure we could do that really well together, hehehe.
Mel;
Yes, there is but thenagain..
if this guy is texting and calling…this is great. There is a spark there and maybe you ought to stoke the frey! LOL
As for your age and being embarrased, honey let me tell you, age ain’t nuttin but a number! I went dancing with a hot blue eyed black hair 28 year old from my gym the other night and we had a great time. He made me feel like a sexy mama guiding my hips where I needed to go…ON THE DANCE FLOOR:) I felt young, sexy and didn’t give a damn what anyone thought. he and i were having fun and acting crazy.
That is what life is about to me now. LIVING! Do not focus on that number and let it paralyze your fun times ahead. Hey, I read an article that the younger man who goes out with the older woman is not all caught up so much in this whole “got ot be a te,” mess. He is excited about the knowledge and sexual experience of the older woman and knows he is going to leave a man!!
Go for it!!!!
Amen to younger men…don’t care why. Just wanna have fun.
Joan your night sounds like mine…I was having a blast! And he is young and sexy…from Nicaragua. Yeah, if he calls, and we can work out a way to get together, then why the heck not? I bet I’m older than his mom, though, lol. And Bertie…Mel just wants to have fun, too!!! She ought not to talk about herself in the third person, but she damn sure wants to have fun!
Hem, has a good point here, that i like to follow up on. hem is correct and i really believe it depends on the women and how you feel about her, but its so true… men do feel more of an connection after getting sex out of the way and out of there mind. where much more relaxed, comfortable, and open about/to things. sometime i feel the way hem does, with certain women, but most of the time, i dont.. i’m attracted to brains and creative minds, character,personality, confidence. a person being themselve. so even if you a super model, i probably wouldnt be attracted to you with a personality i’m done with my i’ll fuck anything “caveman” stage. never really had one to start. lol
also my other point is anyone who has a long term relationship or has been married. knows that after all the lovey dovey stuffs, when you settle into the relationship, thats when you see the real person for what there worth and whether or not you can connect with this person.
cheers,
Joe
Hem,
Do you really mean that you feel that if a woman doesn’t have SEX with a guy by the 3rd date that she would be seen as a “player” or not “interested” in the guy, and there’s no use in pursuing her?!!!
Do you mean actual full-on sex? Or do you mean, making out and some kind of general romantic/sexual fooling around?
Joe,
Yes in a long term thing you find out that he leaves those little toothpaste sploches in the sink, presumably so he can have breath mints for later. Or that I like the toilet paper to come out the bottom and not over the top. Or worse, in my sleep I’m a cuddler and will chase “him” all over the bed at night. I’ve also found that communication styles can be very hazardous. I always felt like I was being accused of something when he had a problem. He apparently could not find a way to approach me. I’ve worked on this a lot the last couple of years.
Darkpoet;
I agree with you here. Hem has made a few good posts that make a lot of sense to me. You, RC and Hem seem to have the same “gentlementality.”
Hem;
would you by chance hail from a european culture? There seems to be a different quality that personally impresses me from you men who have that european culture mindset.
I am not saying that all the men on this blog are not gentlemen, but there is just a different passion for life?—I cannot place my finger on it but it is an attractive quality that strikes me personally.
I reitterate the words “me personally.” Maybe not every woman likes a man who is reserved as this, but the more “old fashioned” way is attractive to me. There can be much passion for life and all its facets with that respectfulness.
So, in closing, darkpoet, RC, Hem–never change who you are and that peculiar sense of passion you exude in that secret place from your hearts.
Hem, don’t be a stranger if you are still “the hidden one” looking in. I for one enjoy your posts, your apparent heart for life and your honesty.
Thank You people for your response. I sincerely thank Desperate housewife and Dark Peot for your posts I greatly apperciate that.
Desperate Housewife
Yes, I had a british education, where you spell colour instead of color and ask how do you do instead of how are are you.
Thanks for your post.I really have no idea what “Special thing” you saw in me, but i would definitely try to keep it on.
Darla
When I Meant you have sex on third date, I meant you have sex, a full blown one or any thing else, depends on how comfortable you are with the guy. If you like the guy and feel you are ready for sex, start with a kiss and let your body take over. Seriously its’ the emotions which make sex pleaseurable
Dont feel presurred at having sex, take it at your own time. From your question, What i could make out was, You are having a tough time going out with guys, you are feeling presurred, You want to hold on to guy whom you are dating now or a potential date , you feel he could be the special some one, and you are concerened about losing him
I am not a date doctor or sex doctor, but I would say, give it a chance, but don’t come out as a whore. Take your time as I said, feel your momment but yes, You should have some sort of sex by third date, Thats what I guess is the carrot and stick rule of dating
Darla,
Another point, I am no David, so there could be every possiblity that I might be wrong
Hem,
Hmm I need to move to where Britian cuture reighns. From what I see in you 3 men from that culture background, I would like to find me a man from that area. Does Vancouver, British Columbia count? LOL Yes, it is a funny if you are looking in–you know who you are:)
The “special thing” I see in you is not something you have to be conscious of “keeping on,” Hem.
It is apparently who you are and what you are made of, because you are consistent in drawing my attention to what you have to say and making sense, as do darkpoet and RC. It is more than a wisdom or an education of such. It is the men you are inside. Well, I can’t explain it so I won’t ry anymore. Just be you, ok? You are nice to have aboard;))
I want to address all the other guys here on the board. Yes, my focus is upon these 3 individual men, because they posess what I personally look for ina man. Everybody is different. There are women who would chew these 3 up and spit them out as soon as listen or look at them, SOOO, I am not “against” any man here posting. It is just the charachter of these 3 in particular that draws MY attention.
lol Hem, I am gonna get you one more time here. In order to “keep that special thing on,” lol i look forward to your posts. Welcome to what has now been knighted as “The Kingdom Of David!”
to DHW
They say a men from other countries are good at romancing…
to DHW
They say men from other countries are good at romancing….
Hunter;
Does that include Rome? lol
Yes,,,,, Rome is another country….
how funny!!!!!!!
LOL Hem;
What do you mean by the “carrot and stick rule of dating?” You really ar so innocently cute. You make me laugh. That leaves a lot of imaginative thoughts open for a whole new blog!
lol I am not laughing at you—so PLEASE do not think that. I don’t hurt people like that. I have just never heard that saying and wonder what you mean by that?
Hunter;
Hardy har har LOL Yes duh I am aware Rome is another country. Maybe I need to “hunt” you down and teach you ALL about the history of the older, wiser woman. LOL LOL You would have information for the best ever documantary written:)
This “late night” blog banter makes my computer work seem a breeze—until I am up alone at 5 in the morning^_^
I wish I had had sex with the young guy I met at the dance club that night…now there have been text messages and a phone call as well. It has now become personal. Thinking might be best to fhugedddaboutit because I didn’t want any kind of emotional involvement, and then I find myself wondering hmmm, is this guy gonna call me again or what?
Joan…I have/had a friend from Italy. They are very sexy and romantic, but I think that is a requirement for Italian people, lol. My guy is a world traveler and I haven’t heard from him since July. Italians are hot, though, in my opinion. And I waited several months to have sex with him, but that was circumstantial, not because I was playing some kind of game.
Mel;
Yes, Mario is very sexy and his words and the way he plays the sax??mmm
He is in Rome. I just talked to him online a bit ago. i do not know what the time difference is and he really doesn’t understand when I ask certain things, but his answers are cute;)
We are talking to each other as best as possible, but i see nothing long term with him much less anyone else. Definitely no sex!
Hem,
I’m still a little confused. And seriously, I’m not trying to be argumentative, so I hope I don’t sound like a jerk! Really. But I am a little “shocked”! I mean, because you’re saying “don’t feel pressured at having sex, take your time”. But that I “should have some sort of sex by the third date” or else I’ll be seen as playing some game or dangling a carrot?
So, which is it? Really?! Take my time, or I “should” do it by the 3rd date?
(And really, the man should be the one “dangling the carrot”, if you get my joke. I’m just trying to be funny! Sorry, that was probably dumb!)
But really, why “should” I have sex with someone I barely know, why is it a “should”? I mean, I’m also not saying that people “shouldn’t” if they want to.
But “should”? Does it really make me a player of some game if I’d genuinely really rather get to know him a little better first?
I guess I’m not so much having a tough time going out with guys. But what you wrote made me feel pressured and a little shocked! (Not that it really should matter that much, since you and I are not dating, and you are not pressuring ME! But I do want to understand more!)
But I don’t think I could ever have sex with a guy by the third date! And this I mean very genuinely: Do you also, then, by the third date run through all STD testing and history and talk about what the game plan will be if the woman gets pregnant?
I guess I see all this as very personal, and sex as more personal than something I’d do with someone after only spending only a few evenings with them so far, ever, in all of my life.
And well, maybe it’s also a matter of all of people having different objectives in dating. I guess I’m more so dating with the objective of meeting a potential long-term partner or spouse. And my dating objective is not one of procuring someone to have sex with.
In my opinion, also, dating someone who exhibits a sense of self-control is very important and attractive to me. Since self-control and the ability to delay gratification are essential for people to be able to partner, have a serious relationship and family. So if a guy was into sex by the 3rd date? I’d drop HIM like a hot potato! I think on the grounds that I’d view him as a player, not really interested in ME – and definitely not worth pursing as a boyfriend.
So maybe these differing standards aren’t really all that terrible (I’m thinking through this as I’m writing it). I was initially shocked by the thought that some guy might think i’m playing a game by not having sex with him by the 3rd date and I felt kind or shocked about that. But if that would be the case, I guess it wouldn’t be so bad, because he and I probably wouldn’t be compatible overall anyway… ?
I mean, I guess it’s my body, and it’s my right to have sex or not have sex, if I’m not ready. Maybe I’d overall just rather that it be seen as me being honest and authentic though, versus playing some “game”.
OMG, sorry everyone! That last post of mine was so long! I didn’t realize.
Darla,
After I read your post, I re read my post and I saw my post in a different angle.
I had no idea how words affect the sentences and change what I intended to say. I should have used better chioce of words.
Your concerens are top notch ones. If its’ your style to wait untill you can completely understand him, trust him and when you feel the connection, you want to have sex with him. Then GO ON. Follow your style. Sex on third date is not like your driving and you need to take a turn there.Just follow your course.
But do express your concerns to your date early on, because there are chances, he might misunderstand you.If guy likes you, he would want to have sex with you, its only then when he feels the real connection in the relationship on his side.If you drop him like a “Hot Potato” at thi stage, you are going to miss a real potential one and you wont make a good chef either!
Darla, I have noticed a thing who would like to express that to you, But I am not sure, if you take it in a intended meanning. I apoligize if I hurt you in progress.
You are sufferering a Classic Female Syndrome. Why are you making dating a MISSION: CRITICAL take it easy, If you are looking for the right guy he will come along. Dont see every guy as a potentiail long term and stop freaking guys out
Darla,
After I read your post, I re read my post and I saw my post in a different angle.
I had no idea how words affect the sentences and change what I intended to say. I should have used better chioce of words.
Your concerens are top notch ones. If its’ your style to wait untill you can completely understand him, trust him and when you feel the connection, you want to have sex with him. Then GO ON. Follow your style. Sex on third date is not like your driving and you need to take a turn there.Just follow your course.
But do express your concerns to your date early on, because there are chances, he might misunderstand you.If guy likes you, he would want to have sex with you, its only then when he feels the real connection in the relationship on his side.If you drop him like a “Hot Potato” at thi stage, you are going to miss a real potential one and you wont make a good chef either!
Darla, I have noticed a thing who would like to express that to you, But I am not sure, if you take it in a intended meanning. I apoligize if I hurt you in progress.
You are sufferering a Classic Female Syndrome. Why are you making dating a MISSION: CRITICAL take it easy, If you are looking for the right guy he will come along. Dont see every guy as a potentiail long term and stop freaking guys out with this attitude. Learn about every guy whom comes along in a generuos way, with light heart and casual mind. You are single not a felon!!. Take it easy, when the right guy comes, he just appears and with out you noticing, he will steal your heart, mind and soul. Feel the momment and live in it. Why are you looking for a long term at the beginning. This is a guy you are talking about not your job or your 401k plan.
Trust me on this, Stop thinking that you need a guy. Enjoy what you are doing and be passionate about few things which are close to your heart Learn to laugh at every momment and every oppurtunity. Be generous with your laughter, words and gifts.
Be happy and smile and see how people react to you in the same way. Thats when you are truely happy and thats when you will find the right guy
Did I sound like a gay??
Mind you, I am not a pyscharist and I am not saying, you are not happy. I am just saying, be happy enjoy your life and when the right guy, you will do what needs to be done
Hem;
LOL LOL I swear, I am not laughing at you but the way you word things makes me smile and LMAO! That is a compliment, honestly it is. You have the personality traits I hope one day to find in a man to share fun with. By FUN, I DO NOT MEAN SEX, unless that happens and thats ok because sex is a fun thing too.)
Won’t make a good chef hugh? lol You are not a felon? I would love to just sit and talk with you. i know they would kick me out of the coffee shop for to much laughing!
“he just appears and with out you noticing, he will steal your heart, mind and soul.” YIKES Is this the happening? I know my heart is in hiding from such a thing happening–or I would like to make myself believe that.
I do agree that women need to stop with the thinking every guy they meet is right, only to end up disapointed. I say enjoy many men/women. NOT SEXUALLY—unless thats your bag–it is not mine. I just mean enjoy the person and the things you can share. Have fun because life is too short to not have adventures! Hakuna Matada everybody!
)
Oh and HEM;
No you didn’t sound gay. lol
Oh Hem,
I DO appreciate your post and what you have to say! And thank you for being so thoughtful and concerned about not hurting my feelings!
But I think you are a little quick with the “diagnosis”! (I am not hurt or offended by the way – especially because that is to NOT me.)
If you knew me better, you might not have jumped to that conclusion. Because I have the same concerns about women who are all freaked out about being single!!! I can’t stand that!
I am sooooo in agreement with you! For me personally, I am in no rush to settle down. But ALSO in no rush to have sex. Dating is NOT something that I view as MISSION: CRITICAL, for sure! Just for me, if it wasn’t for the possible longterm partnership aspect, I wouldn’t bother at all. My life is otherwise pretty full. I only even make time to date a guy if I do feel especially drawn to him or intrigued.
I think it’s gross when women are on a mission to be in a relationship. And I likewise think it’s gross when men are on a mission to get laid asap. My approach is more like: Damn, why not just chill out and enjoy? What’s the rush?! But I don’t mean that as if to judge other’s choices, either. just the rush on both fronts freaks me out, personally!
Part of why I wouldn’t want to have sex so soon is because I DO take things really easy and just want to enjoy myself and I am in no hurry to “couple up” or settle down!
And honestly, I’m not all hot to date all the time anyway. If I connect with someone I meet here or there, then fine. Overall, I’m often described by many men as very independant, and kind of like a “guy”, in that I’m in no rush to settle down.
And if sex came up by the 3rd date, I would definitely address it with the guy, like you mentioned.
It’s really the sex by the third date thing that was freaking me out in what you said. A man saying that a woman “should’ be having sex by the third date sounds to me as rushed as a woman saying that a guy “should” be her commited boyfriend by the 3rd date, and if he’s not, then he’s “dangling the golden relationship” and “a player”.
Ugh! “Slow down girl!” (Is what I’d tell a chick like that!). Likewise with the guy. (And I know, you’ve clarified what you meant by that 3rd date sex thing, so I’m not still actually harping on that point.)
And by “dropping a guy like a hot potato”, I mean that if he was PRESSURING me to have sex that quickly, or if his view was that I was somehow playing a game by not having sex that quickly, and refused to slow down and lighten up. I would think that was kind of rude and I wouldn’t want to continue if he had that viewpoint of me and of sex. Because that’s just so not my style, and I don’t like to pressure others to bend to my will or be pressured by them to bend to theirs. So it’s the pressure and insinuation that I was “playing a game”, or “dangling the golden pussy” (by keeping it chill) that would make me run, and run fast.
But you know what? I have backed away from guys before because THEY are the ones who want too much of a serious relationship too quickly (I mean in the relationship, not just sex), and that freaks me out too. So I’d drop a guy too if he was pressuring me to get too serious or in the emotional part of the relationship too quickly, and if he refused to slow down. Becuase I’m very much the “take your time” sort of person and in no need of an “instant boyfriend”. And one reason (just one) that I would not want to have sex so quickly is that some men DO glom on, and then it makes it hard to keep things casual once you’ve gone too far.
But I wouldn’t even bother with dating at all, if there wasn’t some element of a potential long-term nature. That was my point. Sex in and of itself is not my main motivator.
A point where I might disagree with you is the thing about men only feeling close to women after having sex with them. Maybe that is true for some, but I have dated men for months who felt closer to me than I did to them, and we were not having sex. One (who is still a close friend of mine) is still holding out that one day I’ll change my mind, marry him and have kids with him. So, I don’t think sex is the only means that men have in which to experience intimacy.
I do really like your style Hem. And I liked your “potoato”/”chef” reference! And I so very much agree with you on the Classic Female Syndrome stuff!!!!!
Rushing things can be sucky on both sides, when either gender does it to the other.
Sorry this is so long. But I want you to have all the info, so that if you diagnos me again, you can make it an accurate diagnosis, that I can use! (I say that very playfully, okay?! I’m not mad about being diagnosed! As long as I don’t have to cut you a check for $150, you can diagnos me all you want!)