It really is about feeling safe. Bob and TomTom really are invalidating Kelly’s concerns, because they talk about what she may well have experienced as “assumptions”, as opposed to something that may actually have ALREADY HAPPENED to her.

It has certainly happened to me.

Gentlemen, a suggestion. It wins you NO points with the women you’re trying to date to be that dismissive of what those women are trying to tell you their experiences have been.

Just because you think you’re one of the “good guys” doesn’t mean you “good guy” types are the only ones that come after us.

Some men can be downright dangerous, and can be angry and aggressive to the point where we physically fear for our safety when all we’re doing is turning them down for a date … or worse, that we’re too busy trying to get where we’re going to speak to them on the street.

It’s one of the points on which I would challenge David’s wisdom — he says in both his blogs and his programs for women “not to be concerned about the psychos”, because there “just aren’t that many”. What that suggestion overlooks is that they *do* exist, they can and will find you, and if they do find you and decide to harm you they can actually do some real damage, psychological and physical.

As much as I appreciate David’s spending time to *talk* with (at?) women, I do sometimes he’d take his own advice and *listen* more to attractive women and what they experience on a day-to-day basis. Not taking it seriously borders on being dismissive, which does male-female relations no favors.

about the arms-folding: while i dont think i’m actually being defensive, i do have to admit that i feel more closed off when i cross my arms.

i’d read somewhere that when a woman crosses her legs, her foot points to the most important person in the room, and i found this to be true for me. for me, the most important person in the room is the professor/pastor. i have to orient myself the “correct” way if i want to cross my legs or i’ll fidget until i decide to just sit in the far corner of the pew, facing into the center of the room.

I don’t see Bob is trying to invalidate your experience, don’t get defensive.

And it is not about you personally (and please, don’t take nothing personal about what I’m gonna say either).

It’s in most women (thanks God not all, but good average) they are in more (exaggerated) defensive mode rather than ‘natural’ mode,
I mean for natural, feel ok, neutral with your environment no matter where you go, and I’m talking supermarket, shopping, bus stop, etc

I DO understand you can feel defensive if you are jogging 5 am in the morning in your neighborhood, but not 3 pm in a supermarket.

I know you get bored with some guys looking at you and all the stuff, you gals actually should go to church and thanks God for that, you got abundance in your life, and you are not alone!.

Think about to born in Greenland, or in middle east, or China for God sake!

However, it is amazing to find out the abysmal unbalance situation between women approaching man vs man approaching women, THAT’s my biggest wonder!.

Because (and you can see this in any web site for meeting people, newspapers, craiglist, everywhere!) Seems to me there are more women looking for man than in the other way around, most of them with the excuse “Hi, this is my first time here, I never though before see myself doing this, trying to meet guys on the internet…oh no!’

HELLOOOO

Some of them so desperated that (yes, we men feel some stuff too) we can see them from miles away. And it is not only because the write everything with UPPER CASE. No.

Why you don’t start a conversation with ANY guy you want to on the street?

What?

what are you afraid of?

Will the guy get so stick to you because ‘OhmyGod OhmyGod OhmyGod! a woman actually talk to me!?’, that you can’t get rid of him then?

Come on,

Well, that happen to some men too, women get so stick to us, and we get so bored, as you gals do too.

Seems like everybody (yes guys, it is about us too) think all men are puppy dogs and women are all Lady Gaga.

But this thing happen in both side of the legend.

Great blog everyone! This is so educating.

Women are in a position, or at least I’ll speak for myself, of frequently having to fend off intrusive people and creepsters. I’m not talking about people looking to date/chat us up, most of whom are lovely people, but rather the darker element out there who may or may not put us at physical risk of harm and require a bit of defensive posture and perhaps more, since these are not people who respect our free agency to make decisions about ourselves or our bodies. The reason I mention it is because sometimes habits form, and it can be difficult to switch quickly back and forth between protectiveness and openness with unknown people. Someone who unconsciously uses crossing arms and legs as a closed, protective gesture may begin to use that gesture in all settings in which they feel nervous or uncomfortable, not just the ones where that fear is justified. It’s all the more reason to follow your advice – to ensure that our intentions are communicated through body language in the appropriate setting – and to seize the moment when we meet someone whose interest we really want to encourage.

I think that women and men will always look away at some stage and women will always at some stage look down and/or fidget. It is the amount of time they are doing that and perhaps the context (she may really be waiting for a girlfriend in a busy place however most nice ladies will explain that and keep looking – while they are talking – that is not saying they are not interested)

Farley – I understand what you say about being fully present – that if she looks away and keeps talking that is just rude. Perhaps give her a break – she is so used to multi-skilling and getting so much done, it is natural. Why not just say to her how it makes you feel? Direct communication! When she becomes aware of it, she will most likely stop it or realise that she really does have to move on, again even then it does not mean she is not interested – ask her for her number anyway – she can only say no.

Same here. When I have conversations with girls, often times when I see them again that same day, it’s they dont know how to hold themselves.

They start to fidget, or look away, not contributing much to the interaction. I also lose interest quickly. It just kills the chemistry

Comments from other female readers is appreciated:)

Eye contact is very important. I often hear women say that it seems like I can see right through them when Im talking to them, due to my eye contact. I do not look away when talking to a person untill after we are finished talking. I really show them I am interested in what they have to say.

Great blog by the way.