What Really Turns Men On
May 9, 2010 
17 Comments
Let’s talk about women’s body language and what turns men on. Women tend to be more submissive in society than men, which is fine.
A lot of the time when men will talk to women, a woman might be interested but she’s also very nervous. So men will often not end up asking those women out due to what her body language is communicating.
When they’re nervous, a lot of women will have one foot in one direction and the other foot in another direction. Even though they’re smiling, their body language will say to a man that she’s half in and half out, which a man will interpret as disinterest.
He won’t be interpreting it consciously. It will be done subconsciously. This will be his interpretation nonetheless.
When you’re interested in a man, you need to hold your ground. You need to look directly at him, face him and smile. You can’t have one foot in one direction or a shoulder turned off in another direction.
Another thing that women do that absolutely does not work, is that they will have their arms folded. Even though they’re interested in a guy, they’ll have their arms folded when you’re talking to him. This is a defensive pose, not an open pose.
What you need to do instead, is to leave your arms open. Either have them at your side, or have them facing the guy (or use your hands when you’re talking). The minute you fold your arms, you are basically telling a guy — even if it’s on a very subconscious level — that you’re not interested.
Your eye contact is also really important. When you look down at the ground or off in the distance because you’re nervous, you are telling a guy you are not interested. Even if you are interested, when you look away from that person what he will process in his brain is that you are looking at someone else and isn’t interested.
So, once again, eye contact is really important. If you are uncomfortable with constant eye contact, then you can meet his eyes, look down and then come back and meet his eyes again. Just don’t look off in the distance, that will always tell a guy that you are not interested.
Another mistake that women make when talking to a man is fidgeting. Fidgeting with things when you’re talking to somebody tells him that you’re very nervous. You might be nervous because you like him, but a guy will likely interpret your fidgeting as a sign that you’re bored.
It’s amazing how much these little things communicate to the opposite sex. Being more aware of your body language in these situations will really help you get more men to ask you out (and, by extension, get you more dates).
If you want to know more about what you are saying to men with your body language, then have a friend go out with you and film you. Have your friend watch what you’re doing, how you’re reacting to things and how you flirt. Then you can watch not only yourself, but also see things the way a guy does.
It’s really funny. One time a woman did this and sent me the video. In the video she was flirting with a guy, but kept looking away because she was scared, nervous and intimidated by the guy.
When she sent me the video, she said to me that she didn’t know why the guy hadn’t asked her out. When I watched the video, I knew why the minute she looked away and the guy turned around to see at whom she was looking.
She was interested in that guy, and she thought she was showing interest to him. It’s amazing what your body language and you eye contact says, as compared to what your voice says. Be more aware of that, and you’ll see yourself having better flirting sessions, better dates, and a better dating life.
Now let me ask you a question… Do you want to know where are all the marriage-minded men are?
I thought you did… All you need to do is click here to find out where.
David, thank you for this, man. Seriously. I recently went on a date with a woman who appeared to be interested in me. We had already been out previously and this was going to be a ‘big deal’ date. However, that date goes down in my mind as one of the most sad and lousy I’ve ever had. In the meanwhile, the woman had both her arms and legs crossed, staring out across wherever and, to top it off, there were so many places where we could’ve had some privacy to chit-chat, but we ended up sitting in whiny kid, everybody-passing-throughville.
After the date, I pondered about how it went and basically told her that it didn’t appear that she was even on the same page as me and that we could just stay friends. I met an awesome women shortly before this date who didn’t hide her interest at all and we’re now building something good together. Ladies, life’s too fuggin’ short for you to waste time hemming and hawing, playing coy or acting ambivalent. To the confident and assertive women (and men) go the spoils. Let my story be a lesson to you and get out there…SHOW him that you’re interested or someone else will.
Thank you for this post! I would love to see more posts geared towards women in the future!
since im always observing everything going on in the moment now, when a female Im conversing with has her arms folded I immediately call her out on it. ill say “do you know the language that everyone speaks everyday and most have no clue what they’re saying?” she is usually thrown for a loop with the question and after she blurts out “latin” or some random language, I tell her its BODY LANGUAGE! and follow up with s-thing like, “now if I didn’t see that smile on your face, your BL would so be telling me to leave.” Then I open her arms, and tell her “when you fold your arms youre blocking the awesome energy from getting to you!” then look sound, and do a lil people watching. notice peoples body language and give a lil commentary on what you think their feeling and/or thinking. its always fun!
hi David. I’m so glad that I’m the second person that comment you. I always read your posts and I like them. I learn a lot and I’m amazed how you calculate thing like this?! could I see the day that I am so wise as you are?!
and, yes! lots of signs that you wrote about women pose is totally true,
but I’d like to ask you why you think folding arms is a defensive pose?
since i read in a post (that you wrote) that foldded arms is a defensive pose, I carefully watch people that fold their arms and try to guess their situation in which they’ve folded their arms, but I can’t understand why foldding arms is a sign of defence… .
hope to see your future posts.
take care dude.
your friend Kasra.
Although I’m a guy, I do agree with Neena. I think it would be nice to see more posts geared toward women. We guys can still learn a lot from these posts.
Definitely. Until I found this site, I didn’t think women felt any nervousness at all around men, since I figured it was their area of expertise. I also remember back to high school how virtually all of the girls were flirtatious.
As a rule, I don’t ask out shy girls. I like them, but I need SOMETHING to know she’s interested. I am taking a risk, walking up and starting a conversation and if she acts coy, shy, and like she may or may not be interested, I can’t work with that.
I usually assume that a girl is going to be interested in me, but things like looking away, texting while we’re talking, not contributing much to the conversation, etc. make me lose interest quickly. They very quickly kill any chemistry we had.
One of the things I experience is that when talking to a woman, she will often times look sideways and keep talking to me. This while her whole body is facing me. I find this very impolite, looking away while still talking to people. If something distracted me for a second, OK, then it’s acceptable, but not if a person is talking to me and I look sideways and keep answering them. I think its just rude.
Comments from other female readers is appreciated:)
Eye contact is very important. I often hear women say that it seems like I can see right through them when Im talking to them, due to my eye contact. I do not look away when talking to a person untill after we are finished talking. I really show them I am interested in what they have to say.
Great blog by the way.
Collin,
Same here. When I have conversations with girls, often times when I see them again that same day, it’s they dont know how to hold themselves.
They start to fidget, or look away, not contributing much to the interaction. I also lose interest quickly. It just kills the chemistry
Josh – if she’s talking to you – she is even a little interested (worse case scenario – she is being polite but it is still time for your shot, make her laugh!)
I think that women and men will always look away at some stage and women will always at some stage look down and/or fidget. It is the amount of time they are doing that and perhaps the context (she may really be waiting for a girlfriend in a busy place however most nice ladies will explain that and keep looking – while they are talking – that is not saying they are not interested)
Farley – I understand what you say about being fully present – that if she looks away and keeps talking that is just rude. Perhaps give her a break – she is so used to multi-skilling and getting so much done, it is natural. Why not just say to her how it makes you feel? Direct communication! When she becomes aware of it, she will most likely stop it or realise that she really does have to move on, again even then it does not mean she is not interested – ask her for her number anyway – she can only say no.
I’ve always liked to tell my female friends. The #1 attractor for me before she even opens her mouth is how she carries herself. I love that feminine allure/demeanor.
It’s an interesting observation, and I appreciate being reminded of it. It’s always good to be mindful of body language to ensure that we are communicating our intentions as effectively as possible – useful in all kinds of settings.
Women are in a position, or at least I’ll speak for myself, of frequently having to fend off intrusive people and creepsters. I’m not talking about people looking to date/chat us up, most of whom are lovely people, but rather the darker element out there who may or may not put us at physical risk of harm and require a bit of defensive posture and perhaps more, since these are not people who respect our free agency to make decisions about ourselves or our bodies. The reason I mention it is because sometimes habits form, and it can be difficult to switch quickly back and forth between protectiveness and openness with unknown people. Someone who unconsciously uses crossing arms and legs as a closed, protective gesture may begin to use that gesture in all settings in which they feel nervous or uncomfortable, not just the ones where that fear is justified. It’s all the more reason to follow your advice – to ensure that our intentions are communicated through body language in the appropriate setting – and to seize the moment when we meet someone whose interest we really want to encourage.
Kelly,
Are you serious? Are there really that many Offensive men that approach you, regularly, or are you interpreting men who may have an honest interest in you, whom you are simply not attracted to, as being “intrusive” and “creepsters”? Do you really think all these men are dangerous, and approaching you with ominous intentions? I challenge you, that you are simply not interested in these men, and assume that they have these “darker elements, out there who may or may not put us at physical risk of harm”, etc. Why not give them a courtious “thanks, but no thanks” response, and make them feel good for having the balls to approach you, and take a chance, rather than giving them the cold shoulder. and assuming these terrible, dark, assumpions? It’s no wonder men are afraid to approach women, with these types of assumptions by women…Really, we are not living in the Midevile ages, when women were Wenches whom men did with what they pleased!
Interesting that your initial, gut reaction is to try to invalidate my experience and assume I am wrong. Says more about you than it does me, I think. I’m not the one making assumptions. Yes, if happens often. Yes, sometimes even daily. No, I am not misjudging kindly intentioned men as creepster. But thanks for the pile on.
Kelly, I kind of agree with Bob in some things he said.
I don’t see Bob is trying to invalidate your experience, don’t get defensive.
And it is not about you personally (and please, don’t take nothing personal about what I’m gonna say either).
It’s in most women (thanks God not all, but good average) they are in more (exaggerated) defensive mode rather than ‘natural’ mode,
I mean for natural, feel ok, neutral with your environment no matter where you go, and I’m talking supermarket, shopping, bus stop, etc
I DO understand you can feel defensive if you are jogging 5 am in the morning in your neighborhood, but not 3 pm in a supermarket.
I know you get bored with some guys looking at you and all the stuff, you gals actually should go to church and thanks God for that, you got abundance in your life, and you are not alone!.
Think about to born in Greenland, or in middle east, or China for God sake!
However, it is amazing to find out the abysmal unbalance situation between women approaching man vs man approaching women, THAT’s my biggest wonder!.
Because (and you can see this in any web site for meeting people, newspapers, craiglist, everywhere!) Seems to me there are more women looking for man than in the other way around, most of them with the excuse “Hi, this is my first time here, I never though before see myself doing this, trying to meet guys on the internet…oh no!’
HELLOOOO
Some of them so desperated that (yes, we men feel some stuff too) we can see them from miles away. And it is not only because the write everything with UPPER CASE. No.
Why you don’t start a conversation with ANY guy you want to on the street?
What?
what are you afraid of?
Will the guy get so stick to you because ‘OhmyGod OhmyGod OhmyGod! a woman actually talk to me!?’, that you can’t get rid of him then?
Come on,
Well, that happen to some men too, women get so stick to us, and we get so bored, as you gals do too.
Seems like everybody (yes guys, it is about us too) think all men are puppy dogs and women are all Lady Gaga.
But this thing happen in both side of the legend.
Great blog everyone! This is so educating.
whenever i see an article about body language anywhere, i read it. then i observe myself and see that it is exactly correct.
about the arms-folding: while i dont think i’m actually being defensive, i do have to admit that i feel more closed off when i cross my arms.
i’d read somewhere that when a woman crosses her legs, her foot points to the most important person in the room, and i found this to be true for me. for me, the most important person in the room is the professor/pastor. i have to orient myself the “correct” way if i want to cross my legs or i’ll fidget until i decide to just sit in the far corner of the pew, facing into the center of the room.
@Sarah –
It really is about feeling safe. Bob and TomTom really are invalidating Kelly’s concerns, because they talk about what she may well have experienced as “assumptions”, as opposed to something that may actually have ALREADY HAPPENED to her.
It has certainly happened to me.
Gentlemen, a suggestion. It wins you NO points with the women you’re trying to date to be that dismissive of what those women are trying to tell you their experiences have been.
Just because you think you’re one of the “good guys” doesn’t mean you “good guy” types are the only ones that come after us.
Some men can be downright dangerous, and can be angry and aggressive to the point where we physically fear for our safety when all we’re doing is turning them down for a date … or worse, that we’re too busy trying to get where we’re going to speak to them on the street.
It’s one of the points on which I would challenge David’s wisdom — he says in both his blogs and his programs for women “not to be concerned about the psychos”, because there “just aren’t that many”. What that suggestion overlooks is that they *do* exist, they can and will find you, and if they do find you and decide to harm you they can actually do some real damage, psychological and physical.
As much as I appreciate David’s spending time to *talk* with (at?) women, I do sometimes he’d take his own advice and *listen* more to attractive women and what they experience on a day-to-day basis. Not taking it seriously borders on being dismissive, which does male-female relations no favors.