What Kind Of Love Do You Want?
April 1, 2010 
25 Comments
I have been reading a great book called The Five Languages Of Love. It led me to want to ask all of you this question: Do you believe that romantic love exists?
I want all of you to have at it today on this topic, and really let loose with your thoughts on this. In terms of falling in love, do you believe it is a choice or is it something that just happens?
The book is really interesting because it really talks about how we communicate in love languages. It is really fascinating stuff, and one of the best reads I’ve had in a long time.
So let’s talk about the concept of romantic love today. Do you believe romantic love exists, or do you believe that real love is actually something much deeper?
Romantic love seems to put us in a blissful state. We’re just goofy all the time. We don’t care about work, and we certainly don’t care about our friends. We seem to miss days on end. Every phone call and every conversation feels like you are floating in la la land.
Then, all of a sudden, you start seeing the flaws and the cracks in your romantic love. Your start to see the other person for who they really are.
It is at this point that the fights and the battles may begin. The disagreements and the feelings of being misunderstood start to happen despite the fact that you explain everything about yourselves to each other.
Romantic love is a drug and, as with all drugs, it wears off. It is no different than taking Ecstasy, smoking pot or drinking booze. The effects wear off after a period of time.
Real love is something that you find over time with the person with whom you are in romantic love. Real love comes after you learn each other’s needs, wants and desires. It comes after you learn each other’s communication style, and you work on understanding and fulfilling those needs, wants and desires. Real love is being able to achieve all that.
There are a lot of us who are out there trying to meet someone and fall in love. That’s the point, right? We want to fall in love. We want to feel love. We want to be in love.
The question, though, is this: Do you only want romantic love? Some of us are just romantic love junkies who fall in love every three or four years with a different person. It is like a drug and is as addictive as can be. It is truly an amazing feeling.
What type of love do you desire? What kind of love do you want to have? What kind of love do you want to experience in your life?
Share with me today what you are really looking for on a deeper level. Imagine you have the ability to go out and meet anybody you want right this minute. When you meet that person, what kind of love do you want to experience with them? Do you want romantic love or do you want that deeper love?
I think that when people are in that trance of new love they think that romantic love exists because they’re feeling it at that moment. And they wouldn’t believe you if you told them that feeling will fade after a while … not because it’s not real, but (just like David said), because at some point you get to know the whole, real other person. That is not bad…but you can’t live in fantasy land forever….
david, can you please suggest how a person can be funny, especially when english is not his first language///
thanks
I want uncomfortable, awkward old people love. You know the couple. They’ve been married like 60 years, are wrinkly as can be, white haired, and their bodies are falling apart, but they’re still totally into each other. They’ll readily remind you that sex doesn’t stop after 60, and as gross as the thought might be, you’re like, “This is awesome! I hope I’m telling kids about how frisky my wife is at 85.” I want the kind of love that doesn’t just get me to look past her wrinkles and sags, but the kind that has me still convinced she’s a total fox.
The real thing… Maybe I can say that I prefer to evolve from a best friend, with all that it entails (conflicts, laughter etc) And… by extension this person is my lover and companion. It just took me many years to realize that.
david i have a question.and can you answer it this time?how do you know when soemone really love you like how you test that,and come up with clear results?
I don’t believe in real love. I don’t think it really exists in this world. People who believe in it are a living illusion.
Very well said its the power of love that sets us free in the end!!!
Chevon…
Do you feel it in your heart? Usually, you know… because you can see what that person is does and is willing to do every day for you.
Reversely, how would you tell a girl that you truly love her? If you see the kind of behavior you are willing to give her … back to you… then she probably truly loves you.
virgo420
Most of the communication is non-verbal so don’t worry too much about coming across as funny. Besides why do you want to be funny? Don’t try to be funny, you’re naturally funny, you just gotta let it out.
And study English if you really want to communicate with people more effectively!
Your communication skills are one of your biggest asset!
Virgo,
Humor is when you are relaxed and letting yourself out! Most people are funny in their own ways. So what’s really stopping you from letting yourself out?
The Men’s Mastery Series have a lot of exercise to get you out of your comfort zone… so that you can actually be comfortable anywhere you want… and be funny.
Virgo420
btw… what’s your native language?
I agree coach khiem the mastery series really helped me get out of my head and virgo if a short fat bald guy like me can do it so can you man.
Anonymous
I enjoyed reading your comments, its powerful how you are in control of your life. And you don’t let external factors get in your way. How does it feel to able to tap into that level of confidence?
I wish i had that ability to approach whomever I want at any moment of my desire.
I have never been in love so can’t say much about real love.
Jacob: You’re so right my man its such a liberating feeling to tap into that power. I can’t believe in the past I didn’t have the courage to do that. It feels damnn good. I think I can do anything!!!!!!!!
This is something I would love to experience all over again. I’m usually the guy that jumps from one love to another love as soon as the high runs off. I am addicting to it. Sometimes I think about maybe I’m afraid I don’t know what to do when that high runs out, and thats why I quit and move on to the next.
Tony, are you afraid of being alone?
Tony–it’s good that you are aware of a pattern for yourself with relationships. Are you attracting the same kind of woman? Are you happy and satisfied with your choices? Or are you ready for a change?
What’s love got to do, got to do with it. What’s love but a second hand emotion.
The romantic love, the blissful state does exist, as an emotion. It is real, because the emotions are real. It is not really a choice because emotions originate in the lower levels of the brain. It’s a powerful emotion, like a positive version of road rage or insanity. That’s why it doesn’t always make sense why we feel one way, and think another.
Eventually, after a while, the logical, or thinking part of the brain does take over. This is where the challenge comes in after the feelings wear off. The romantic love which used to be a noun turns into a verb. You actually have to put in work,effort, and communication to sustain the relationship. ie. understanding other’s wants, needs, desires. Ideally, it’s important to be with someone that you are attracted to and have shared values and goals, kind of like two overlapping circles with the commonalities in the center. You are still two people, but the sum should be greater that the parts. Each person should have different personality traits that they bring to the relationship. ie. she is adventurous, he is logical. If the two people in a relationship are too similar, it gets stale fast. Ideally, each person is mature and brings their own special traits into the relationship to build it and make each other grow as people. Relationships deepen with shared positive experiences.
The initial feelings are like the space shuttle in space, blissful and peaceful. The real love is like re-entry back to earth. Come in at the wrong angle, and you’ll bounce right off the atmosphere. If you come in too fast and steep, you burn up. Even if you are proficient, competent, and know what you’re doing, it’s still a bumpy ride.
Falling in love is easy. We don’t always fall in love with the right person though, either by lack of prospects, or by taking whatever comes along or what is given to you. It’s meeting, attracting, and keeping the right person that is the hardest thing.
For me the kind of love I want to get is one on a deeper level, but also one that would last for me, no matter how long even after that “high” goes away.
David…I know that sometimes you ask for ideas for blogs and things like that and I have one that I think that I´m not the only one who has suffered this same thing.
It is, how to deal with someone which you have an awesome chemistry and all that but she is out of a long term relationship.
I want to know that because for the last three and a half months these are the only kind of women I´ve met on a more deeper level but they all have the same thing, they don´t want anything at the moment. Which is right, but I don´t know how to deal with that for me to be able in a future be with them.
Thanks for the awesome blogs also!!
Coaches, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that, “I don’t want anything at the moment” is almost always code for, “I’m just not that into you.”
Collin,
It’s funny that you ask this question. Yesterday, I was just discussing with a friend that very same excuse.
I was just telling a buddy of mine that most girls uses the “I’m not looking for anything right now” to keep their guy friends at bay. They don’t want their normal guy friends to suddenly profess their love to them and make things awkward…. however if a cool enough guy came along… who was charming, who was confident, who knew how to sweep her off her feet, of course she’d be receptive!
As confused as we are by girls saying, “I just don’t want anything right now” when they mean, “I’m just not that into you,” girls are even more confused when we say, “I’m just not that into you,” and mean, “I’m just not that into you.” They know that they don’t say what they mean, so they project that onto us, spending hours fretting about what we could possibly mean by what we say. I had a conversation just like this the other day with a girl. Apparently we’re supposed to make up reasons why we aren’t that into a girl so she’ll come to the conclusion that we’re just not that into them and save them a lot of worry time.
I say girls don’t get to make the rules though, and saying what you mean is a much better rule.
I skimmed the comments, so my apologies if I’m being redundant–but I’ve found in LTR’s that after the magic wears off, that love is a choice–a generated phenomenon created as a gift for the other person. It’s a choice, which is much more powerful than being on hormonal autopilot.