What Is Your Secret?
August 2, 2008 
12 Comments
Journal Your Thoughts By David Wygant
I first met Craig about eight months ago, at a free seminar I taught. We did a role-play exercise and during the exercise he came up, he was charming, it went well for about 48 seconds and then he crashed. And that was it. He didn’t really take it any further; he didn’t really have the confidence to do so.
Now, all of a sudden, he has changed. The difference in him from eight months ago is just unbelievable.
We’ve been talking about the power of the network, and what the network is all about. I tell people all of the time: some encounters will be good, some encounters won’t be so good, but it’s really all about expanding your social network.
I asked the guys with me now, “how many people did you meet today?” They answered, “oh, a bunch of new people, we had some good conversations.” Well, that’s a great day. And then I’ll ask Craig now: how many people did you meet today?
Craig: Probably four or five – I’m meeting people everywhere I go now. I love this street – I live right down the street from here, and I always bring my friends here. I get a free coffee here, I get a free beer at the bar over there, and I’ll go in there and get 30% off – especially if I keep bringing my friends in.
My friends want to hang out and go shopping or get a coffee or whatever, so we always come here. And when people see you over and over again, and you’re genuinely interested in connecting with them and making the other people around you have a good time by being social, your energy will be contagious.
Somebody behind the counter might be having a bad day. You can say, “hey, how’s it going? Are you having a good day?” “Oh, thanks for asking, it’s going well,” they might respond just because you thought to ask.
We did that flower exercise and I couldn’t give away the flower in Santa Monica – nothing seemed to be right. This girl with a nice smile came up behind me and she was wearing a cute blue shirt – I turned around and said, “you know what? I’ve been waiting all day to give this flower to somebody, and I didn’t think I’d be able to give it away. I wanted to give it to somebody with style and to somebody with a nice smile, and it’s yours.”
And she was like, “oh, great, thanks! What are you guys doing today?” I told her we were just hanging out. Her boyfriend was like, “why did he give you that flower?” But he was cool with it. It’s just about being social and being fun.
David: Let’s talk about this some more. We were just discussing how to keep building up your social exercises and Mark asked a question that was really important: do you journal this?
This is something that I’ve told everybody over and over again – journal this! Journal your progress. Everyday you’re going to have small victories, and it will help to write them down.
Craig, what would you recommend in terms of writing this stuff down? You just went through this whole transformation, so what do you think some of the best tips would be for the guys in terms of journaling?
Craig: I would say it is important to keep a record of what your goals are. If your goal is to expand your social circle, you can write, I’m going to try to talk to three people today, and then you could journal about how that was. Were you nervous? What did you talk about? This will also help you with making and remembering observations – what people do, who people are.
You could journal about your feelings too. This will give you an accurate record of your own emotional progress through this journey. Journal about what you learn too. This is really important. This will make it a macrocosm book of what you are doing. It makes your brain focus on your process as well.
So I would journal about: who you met, what they were about (because as David says, you have to be able to connect with people on the level of who they are and what is going on in their life), your feelings (so that you can accurately track your progress and get a feel for this process, this will also give you an overall picture of your journey.)
If you do this, in six months you will look back at some journal entry where you wrote, oh my god, I saw these really cool guys and I wanted to approach them because they were talking about music and I’m a music producer, and so I walked up there and it was all weird and awkward.
Three months later, you’ll write, I saw this really pretty girl in a sundress and I just walked right up to her and we’re going out on Friday.
Through the journal, you’ll be able to see the progression of your progress.
David: Also, remember to never judge yourself. Don’t be such a hard critic on yourself. Spend the time to look for the win every single day. Don’t look for the negative, look for the positive. In everything you do, there’s a positive.
For example, today we were talking, and I said, “well, maybe you didn’t have a breakthrough in this way, but what situations do you feel comfortable in?” and you told me. So you found your wins.
In terms of dating, we’ve been so negative for so long, so we aren’t used to looking for those little wins. But those little victories are unbelievable.
It’s like a baseball season, guys: it’s fucking long as hell. If you look at the Mets this year, Meyer did 500, Meyer did mediocrity, and Willie Randolph is managing them into the ground. And at the end of the day – it’s now the end of July and they are in first place.
You have to think about it like this. You’re playing every single game – and not like it’s the last game, but like it’s part of a season. The difference between life and sports is that the season just continues on.
So you’re playing first for the present: how many people did you say hello to today? How many great encounters did you have today? How many people did you meet? What do you remember from your conversations?
Not only are you playing for the present, but you’re playing for the future as well. So the present was: today I met six great new people, I had a wonderful time, I didn’t get a phone number but who gives a shit.
Two weeks from now, that girl that you said hello to on the street? You run into her at Whole Foods and say, “oh my god, I saw you a few weeks ago on Abakini, how are you doing?” She’ll say, “I’m great, god, I’m so sorry I didn’t talk to you that day, that was rude!”
This is what happens! You’re building your social network for the present and for the future. Stop grading yourself just on the present. If you go up to somebody on the street, and it didn’t work out well, don’t think to yourself, oh shit, this stuff doesn’t work.
It works. If you follow every thing that we’ve been doing, teaching, and talking about – it has worked for everybody that has followed it. Including myself, including Craig, including Khiem.
Craig: That brings up a really important point. If you’re judging yourself negatively – without getting into the depths of the psychology of it – but you’re actually reinforcing that negative behavior. Every time you come down on yourself and think, I saw this pretty girl, I was too afraid to approach her – god, I’m so stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! – you’re just putting that right back into your brain and programming yourself to do the same thing the next time. Instead, you could just be a little bit easier on yourself, thinking, you know what? I’ll get her next time.
David: That’s it. And that “stupid, stupid, stupid” thing is just not true. You’re not stupid! We have just hung out, and we’ve had a great weekend. We’ve all hung out with each other, and not one of us has looked at another person and said, “stupid, stupid, stupid!”
You do it to yourselves because you’re a hard critic. Here’s the point: stop validating yourself through women! I think that every one of you guys is unique, fun and exciting. I was telling Allan earlier – and this is something really important to remember – the women that are attracted to me may not be attracted to you or you or you.
But if I’m hanging out with Craig and I approach a woman who I think is really cool, and I notice that she’s vibing him and not vibing me, cool! That’s alright. It’s about abundance. She likes my friend more than she likes me. That’s fine! That’s her choice.
You can’t twist attraction around, and you can’t use magic tricks – and you have to respect that. A woman that I’m attracted to might not be attractive to you at all. She may be too loud and boisterous. And a woman you’re attracted to might be too mellow for me.
We all have an abundance of women that we could be attracting at every single moment. Your friends don’t steal women from you – the women were attracted to your friends in the first place!
Todays video is all about how to build momentum on a Saturday or Sunday. Do you desire to meet great people this weekend?
If so then watch this video right now and then get out from behind the computer and do it!
Ya something I’m learning for sure is that you can only do so many cold approaches with success. But, you will have even more if you meet people through your social network. There’s just more of a context already.
I really liked today’s tips on journaling and the Mets analogy. One of the things that helped me realize the same basic thing was when I started working out. Up until about 6 months or so I’d never even been inside a gym outside of school. I had no idea how much time and effort it actually takes to build even a little bit of muscle. Once I got the rythm for it though, I saw that pick-up was much the same way. It’s something that you have to accept as part of your daily lifestyle and learn a little bit of every single day. That’s how you get those sexy pick-up muscles
Ok, David, Iv just got back from work (as I work at night) and I just want to say firstly that I really enjoy reading your free posts and I think what you do is great. Ok now onto the question….well, remember a few posts back you gave us that ‘challenge’ of asking the girl we find attractive out and not giving a shit about the outcome….well basically I decided to take you up on it as I really agree with your ‘just do it’ mentality. So basically yesterday and today I really took the effort to bond with these two really hot girls from work who I fancy and did everything perfect…the flirt, the chat, the slighty cocky funny humour etc…and they loved it! So here I am, thinking soon I will ask them one of them out only to find out today that both of them have boyfriends. And really honestly, that sucks. Now, dont get me wrong, im not as bad as I used to be, as I rarely get hung up over girls, but basically my question for you tonight is this. Should a guy (like me) carry on the flirt, the fun, and hope for change of situation or simply drop the effort and focus on another girl? Now I know it depends on how she sees there bf and their situation, but you must admit..when a girl drops the ‘my boyfriend’ into the sentence it really pisses me off. Grrrr…i just wanted to get that of my chest! How did you handle girls who said this to you David, and did they ever pick you instead of their b/f if you carried on the attractive behaviour?
Brad,
play it cool and tell them how lucky their bf are to date such great girls. They notice that, and from time to time ask how their bf are doing and observe the response.
Its funny because I started my own journal just a day ago! Im just playing with it and it seems a lot of fun
My content of the journal is this:
What can I learn from today?
What were my “little” wins today?
What are my challenges/fears to overcome for tomorrow?
My goal is to keep this journal
What is the content of yours journals folks??
Be all great. S
This blog hit me right in the face. In work I’ve always tried to push myself harder and harder. Too attack my weaknesses to try to turn them into strengths. But I now see the harm in negative thought. I need to build on my strengths instead of focusing on my weaknesses. It is really a major mind shift.
Anybody who “needs” your advice is pathetic and has no game. They are losers. You are like benny hinn, for losers. Relationships don’t make men successful and serve as an anchor to slow them down from their goals. FWB’s are easier. Having sex with hot chicks w/o commitment is always best. Glove up before you hit them and move on when you are done. I can’t believe the punks and p*ssies who read your garbage. Losers.
Hey Slava, thanks a bunch for sharing your journal content. I’ve recently started keeping a journal as well and without some more formal guidelines it was starting to become difficult to go back over it. This helps me give it some format.
Brad – Let them go.. who cares if they have BF’s. Have you ever watched the video on Dave’s youtube site where he talks about the “walk-away”. If you haven’t go find it now and do it. The walk away is awesome, even if it doesn’t work it is absolutely empowering to just walk away not caring. After you do it once or twice it becomes a way of life. Acting like you don’t care soon turns into not really caring which makes you more confident. Just turn around and walk away. If either of these chicks is interested they’ll find a way to follow and keep the door open with you for that day when they break up with their loser BF’s.
I’m off to the farmers market to get some fresh produce… oh yeah and scope out some sweet honeys.
This year I made determination – every month to make three new friends and to have one dinner party at my home.
And it worked! Every months I indeed make three new friends! And at least once a month I have a dinner party!
I think the moment you make a determination – things start coming to you!
Adam,
no problem man. Even its this early since I have it I find it intriguing.
My goal is to spend like 15 minutes a day just on writing this journal.
My other goal is that things from section “What are my challenges/fears to overcome for tomorrow?” I want to put them on my ToDo list for the very next day and just do it!
The more mistakes, the better.
So now I try to improve my storytelling skills like Khiem and David suggested in previous blogs and its funny because it makes me think about it since I found it as a problem yesterday so its a challenge to try it today.
Have fun with it!
Slava-
Back from the farmers market. No numbers, but didn’t even want to go there with anyone today. Had tons of awesome interaction with vendors. Made a few of them go from business as usual to smiling and joking, from the interaction I guarantee a few of them will remember me when I stop by next time.
I have the opposite problem. I don’t have any problem with storytelling, in fact I tend to go on and on with too many details and irrelevant asides. I just need to find that happy medium to keep things interesting but not boring.
Jessica – That is awesome. I would do the same, but my apartment isn’t very suited for hosting people. How does one go about getting invited to one of your dinner parties.
Ben,
Life itself is a GRAND commitment. The quality of your life is based upon the series of commitments you make within it. When you fail to commit in any area, you are just cheating yourself out of your ultimate goal.
Ben Dover,
Having a lifestyle of no strings attached partners are great when you have a “roamer” type of lifestyle. If what you value most is freedom, variety and sheer carnal pleasure, FWBs are great.
That’s what David encourages. Whatever lifestyle you want to create for yourself, go do it. The fact that you managed to create a stream of FWBs for yourself is respectable.
However, for most guys, having “superficial” relationships is never a long term solution to happiness. When you commit yourself to something, when you allow yourself to go deeper in anything (whether it’s a hobby, a particular discipline or a woman), you start discovering more about yourself.
You start understanding the deeper meaning of things. That’s how you get emotionally fulfilled.
How can you develop true emotional connection… or better, how can you develop real intimate sensual intimacy with someone if you don’t have the trust and respect of a commitment?
For sheer “fucking” pleasure, FWBs are great.
For deeper sexual fulfillment, committing to one woman allows you to build that respect and trust in which she can surrender herself to you in bed.