Yes, you could just leave once you realize what’s going on but you will never get the full truth from such a person. And without doing some snooping, you’ll have no idea how much damage they’ve done.

Trust, but don’t do so blindly. And there’s no harm in protecting yourself if you find yourself caught up in someone else’s lies.

For the average relationship I’d say there’s no need to snoop and it just damages the relationship.

But I don’t beleive for a second that it’s unequivacally “wrong.”

I do not disagree with you.

You need trust too… but my comment came from the assumption that you make a commitment to one another (like in marriage or if you TRULY TRULY know you want to make the parternship/relationship work with someone)

If you do find someone you feel you can live with… and if you do decide to commit to one another. Then sometimes, you have to learn to forgive and forget.

Of course, there are some boundaries and deal breakers that you both need to know and acknowledge about each other. That’s how you create respect in the relationship.

Charlotte,

Sometimes, comments appear late because they have to clear the spam filter.

Hope, if you’re still in this relationship I really think you should GET OUT. Someone who lies and lies and then lies some more to cover up the lies isn’t going to suddenly change. I know how difficult it is to leave someone you love, but if you stay it’s likely that you’ll never trust him again regardless. Someone who rationalizes telling lies to protect your feelings isn’t someone you SHOULD ever trust again.

How do you know that David’s post was about you? And why was there nothing in his post about your point of view?

My husband lied throughout our entire 10 year marriage! I did do all the things you said were violations and I found many things that destroyed me. I also informed him when I did find things, but it never did any good, he would find a way to blame me for not trusting him.

I can’t see just sitting back and believing a person when you are certain he cannot be trusted. If you find out there are “major” issues, you can approach the possibility of therapy and try to heal the relationship. Which in my case didn’t work. He just kept lying and I would violate his privacy to prove to myself I was being deceived.

In fact, that very violation, and proof, gave me the strength to finally walk away.

In closing, I absolutely agree in trusting your partner, if they have shown you they can be trusted. You do not go snooping unless you see many discrepancies, the red flags.

Some people are very trustworthy and our suspicions may very well be unfounded, but when you have huge doubts, I say violate and re-violate until you are sure. It may very well save your life!

During my separation from my husband he put spyware on my computer, read all of my e-mail, and read my journal. I did feel a complete violation of my privacy, but at the same time I understood that he was feeling desperate.

He did find things I’d rather he hadn’t, of course, because I think that most of us have things about our lives that we’d rather everyone not know.

I think it’s interesting that the original post was about why it’s wrong to snoop, and a later comment said that, even if one person has done something wrong, it’s still wrong to snoop. I’m going to, oddly enough, respectfully disagree.

Snooping shows that the snooper is feeling insecure and that there is probably something awry in the relationship. However, if your girlfriend is cheating on you and refuses to talk to you about it, which is likely going to be her reaction in such a situation, should you sit back and trust that she isn’t cheating? Should you break up with her on a hunch that she may be cheating? What IS the answer in such a situation? (By the way, just for the record, I wasn’t cheating on my husband. I’m not sure that that’s relevant, but in case anyone was wondering…)

Was it right for me to lie to her, even though I was trying to protect her?

Two wrongs definitely don’t make a right.

Its just one lesson I have learned among many, although, it was probably the hardest so far.

“There are no accidents and everything happens for a reason”

It brought back a few unpleasant memories typing that. I tired for a long time to at least start talking to her again, she wouldn’t have anything to do with me.

So I learned from my mistake and brutal honesty is the only way I fly now. Hurtful or not. I just say “Would you rather I lie to you or do you want the truth?”.