Violation of Trust
June 18, 2008 
46 Comments
Violation of Trust
By David Wygant
When you’re dating somebody, what are the boundaries?
Recently a woman I know had an “intuition” that “something was up” with her boyfriend, and that intuition led her to check her boyfriend’s email without his knowledge or consent. What she did was basically read through all of his emails until she found some information she didn’t like.
What constitutes a violation of someone’s privacy? When, if ever, are you justified in violating someone’s privacy?
If you have an “intuition” about something, does that give you the right to start digging through someone’s drawers? To start reading through their email? To start listening to their voicemail messages?
I mean, think about this. Someone has an email account which they use for both work and personal messages. By going into that account, you are violating the trust that person has with all of his business clients, business associates, friends and family members . . . all because you had some kind of “intuition” that he was doing something wrong.
Beyond violating the trust of all those people, investigating an “intuition” by reading someone’s emails or listening to their voicemail messages can be misleading because you are only getting about 20% of the story. Your perception of what you read or hear is all wrong.
Relationships are really hard. We’re all out there looking to meet somebody. Once we find somebody, though, where and how do we draw the line about privacy and trust?
Of course lying is not good. I’ve been guilty of it. We’ve all been guilty of it. We have all lied in certain situations to avoid hurting someone or to avoid talking about something we think may hurt someone. So although we lie to protect someone, when the lie is exposed (which it almost always inevitably is) we end up digging a deeper hole.
I’ve come to believe that although it is sometimes really hard to say, the truth is always better than a lie. It has been my experience that every time I tell a “little white lie” to someone because I was afraid to tell them what was really happening to avoid hurting them, that I always end up getting caught. Then when I do get caught, not only do you end up hurting that person anyway but you end up hurting yourself even more.
In life, what you fear will actually manifest – but it will manifest at an even higher level than what you feared. So whatever you were trying to protect the other person from by lying to them will seem worse than if you had just been open and honest about it from the get-go, because you will have to dig yourself out of the “lying” hole.
So lying in a relationship is something you should never do. It’s a tough thing. Sometimes we think we’re protecting somebody and we’re not.
Something equally bad you should never do in a relationship is violate the other person’s privacy. To violate someone’s privacy is to violate their trust.
You should NEVER dig through someone’s personal emails, look through someone’s wallet or listen to someone’s voicemail messages . . . ESPECIALLY if you’ve done it before and you promised never to do it again. If someone has decided to trust you even after you’ve broken their trust once, and then you you break their trust again and again, then you have a relationship that either cannot survive or at a minimum will need significant repair.
So even if you have some type of “intuition” that somebody is doing something wrong, it is better to confront that person openly about it and slug it out with them than to violate their privacy and their trust searching for answers behind their back. Even if that person doesn’t respond to your attempts to talk about it the first, second or third time, chances are that you will get to talk about it.
Consider that the other person may be struggling with something deep or something very emotional, and that may be the reason they have been hesitant to discuss something with you. Whatever the reason is that has caused their hesitation, you need to be prepared to be open to what they have to say.
So many of us definitely have communication issues in our relationships. A lot of us feel things we’ve never felt before with somebody, so we get scared.
When you’re scared in this way, you feel tense and you retreat to what’s safe instead of facing that fear openly with the other person. For some that fear may manifest itself by snooping in the other person’s private things, while for others it may manifest itself by lying to the other person. Neither one is right.
The best thing to do in a relationship is to try and keep your communication open as much as possible. We’ve all got issues. We’ve all got baggage. What you need to do is work through that baggage on your own and openly with your partner. Violating someone’s trust will never take a relationship to a better place.
Very good David!
David – What an AMAZING and powerful blog today!
The issue of invasion of privacy and violation of trust is an extremely serious issue to me …
To be given someone’s trust is a really big deal, and when you are entrusted with this you should value it highly and protect it. To intentionally violate someone’s trust is a significant betrayal. Not only that, but once lost complete trust is extremely difficult to restore.
Here’s what I find interesting about the factual scenario underlying this blog. The woman who read her boyfriend’s email seems to feel justified in doing so because she intuits that he was doing something “bad” that she was entitled to know about. I see several MAJOR flaws in this reasoning … and several very revealing things about this woman’s sense of right and wrong.
First, I would bet that this woman would not believe that what she did was okay in ANY dynamic other than a romantic relationship. I bet she would never snoop through her boss’ emails, or a client’s emails, or especially not any of her friend’s emails.
There also seems to be a sense of entitlement in this woman that allows her to feel exempt from basic rules of right and wrong. She seems to feel that the email snooping was okay because she was ENTITLED to know about whatever bad behavior her intuition told her the boyfriend had committed. I’m betting, though, that she would be offended and outraged if this same boyfriend had done this to her.
If you wouldn’t snoop in your friend’s emails, then it’s equally wrong to snoop in your boyfriend’s emails (no matter how you’ve rationalized an entitlement to do so in your own mind).
If I were this woman’s boyfriend, I would be most concerned not even so much with the violation of trust itself (as bad as that is!), but with this woman’s sense of moral relativism … If her “intuition” was sufficient justification in this instance for reading her boyfriend’s emails behind his back, it seems likely that she would see justification for similar violations of his privacy and trust whenever it will suit her to find it.
Not only that, but I would be worried about how far her justifications would allow her to go. If reading his email is ok, then what else is ok when “justified?” Going through his credit card statements? Reading his mail? Going through his drawers? Following him when he goes out? I would worry about what might be “justified” next.
There is NO justification for doing this … it is a blatent violation of both his privacy and his trust (and worse, according to the blog this sounds like this wasn’t the first time). To contrive a justification for doing something that is just plain wrong.
Even if we assume that this woman’s boyfriend was guilty of doing whatever it is she believed he was doing, that does not justify what she did. So I also find fault with this woman’s “since you’re bad, then I am allowed to also be bad to find out about it” rationale. This is, despite the cliche, truly a case of “two wrongs don’t make a right.”
David
Awesome blog today man!
I think the best point you make in here is that when there are issues in a relationship, the ONLY way to handle them is to bring them out in the open and hash them out … no matter if that means being uncomfortable, having a huge knock-down drag out fight, or having to deal with issues you don’t want to have to confront face-to-face.
Doing any of the things you mention in this blog to avoid this – whether that’s snooping in someone’s email or lying to someone – is NEVER the right answer. And those things will never create a better end result either.
You really made me think with this blog David — It shows how complex being in a relationship can be.
We all need to remember to think about the consequences of things before we do them …
I remember when I went through my ex gf’s email. Somehow there appeared an opportunity and I was just curious.
What I found was nothing, we were both in love and had an amazing time together.
But my view on her changed because of what I found in her email. I went through some conversations she had with her ex boyfriend years ago before she met me.
Somehow I started to compare myself to that guy (it was part of my insecurity problem I faced years ago) and I even compared my relationship with her according to those few emails I had seen!! How ridiculous is that??!!
I wish I had resisted and did not look in there.
I do not want to do it again in the future. What David says => bring it up, be open about it and talk about it. So true. Peace
Hi. This blog really hit me on a personal level! I was together with my ex boyfriend for a little over a year. While I did not know what he did behind my back all the while. I trusted him, even when we were doing the long distance thing for two months (during our last summer holidays, when I went on a long vacation with my family)
Even if I did have an intuitive feeling, I’d either confront him on it, or tell him plain out if he ever asked me what was wrong, or even ask my friends for advice. I never thought of snooping his privacy. Until one day, he hacked into my email account for fun!! I must admit, that under confusing and anger I TRIED to do the same (or I told him that I was trying to hack into HIS mail, and that I needed his help..I wasn’t actually serious)
However, as he felt guilty (or so I believe) he gave me the password to his email, and eventually I discovered that he had played with a lot of his “Online female friends” and even had a long distance relationship with another girl. WOAH!
Then, I have this friend of mine who’s been married for four years and he and his wife share all their passwords as they don’t hide anything from each other. They don’t use them, but it’s just in case if they need each other’s emails. (They are Protestant missionaries, and do a lot of Church work that demands administrative work)
My brother and his girlfriend have also exchanged all their passwords. And it has even made me think, that maybe that’s a way to show your trust? Just give your beloved one all your passwords to show that you’re hiding nothing!?
Something to think about? I don’t know. I mean, despite what I see around me, on sharing passwords etc, I wouldn’t ask of my (single at the moment) boyfriend to give his passwords to me. Trust comes first, IF he however wanted us to exhange passwords I would need a very good reason for it!
Anyhow, I’ve written a VERY long comment now. I do agree with you David, that being open and communicating is the best way to deal with trust issues:)
Great comments from all. You know when you are connected and when your not.
Wow – great blog!! I’ve been guilty of this too.
I was dating a guy that I was totally obsessed with – I don’t know what it was, but he had this power over me and I just couldn’t concentrate on other things in my life. So I started manifesting scenarios in my head, and against my better judgment I started snooping into his personal stuff when I stayed over at his house.
For some reason or another I always felt like I was looking for something that he was doing. But of course when you start snooping around you WILL find something. And I found something which he explained to me.
Something else happened to me that day I snooped and supposedly caught him: Our relationship was NEVER the same. We ended up not being together anymore, which I think was healthier because I became obsessed with this guy.
It’s been a year now since we’ve ended, and I realize that if I had just worked on some things in my life that were about me when we were together that I probably wouldn’t have been so obsessed with this man. Except at that point in my life, he was really the only good thing I had.
I will NEVER snoop again. If a man has trouble communicating with me, I’m just going to keep bringing up the subject (as one of you guys said) – I’m going to just bring it up and bring it up until he talks to me.
Because once trust is broken, it’s over. You can never make good again.
And I was guilty of reading his emails and looking through his phone when he was in the shower. I was bad. And this blog hurts to read.
I actually emailed him this blog and I just said “How are you. I hope things are great.” I think he’ll get what I mean.
Wow! Great blog!! I’ve been guilty of this too.
I was dating a guy that I was totally obsessed with – I don’t know what it was, but he had this power over me and I just couldn’t concentrate on other things in my life. So I started manifesting scenarios in my head, and against my better judgment I started snooping into his personal stuff when I stayed over at his house.
For some reason or another I always felt like I was looking for something that he was doing. But of course when you start snooping around you WILL find something. And I found something which he explained to me.
Something else happened to me that day I snooped and supposedly caught him: Our relationship was NEVER the same. We ended up not being together anymore, which I think was healthier because I became obsessed with this guy.
It’s been a year now since we’ve ended, and I realize that if I had just worked on some things in my life that were about me when we were together that I probably wouldn’t have been so obsessed with this man. Except at that point in my life, he was really the only good thing I had.
I will NEVER snoop again. If a man has trouble communicating with me, I’m just going to keep bringing up the subject (as one of you guys said) – I’m going to just bring it up and bring it up until he talks to me.
Because once trust is broken, it’s over. You can never make good again.
And I was guilty of reading his emails and looking through his phone when he was in the shower. I was bad. And this blog hurts to read.
I actually emailed him this blog and I just said “How are you. I hope things are great.” I think he’ll get what I mean.
Hmmmm, something about this post doesn’t sound right. If she had snooped and found nothing, my guess is that her fears would have been calmed, and you probably wouldn’t have found out that she had been looking around. Or, if you had, she would be so thrilled that you are an honest guy she would have promised to never do it again, and rewarded you accordingly.
So, my question for you is this: What is it she sound out about that you are trying to smother with some guilt-inducing rant? My guess is that this girl was on to something, and the snooping only confirmed this. Sometimes a woman’s intuition is not insecurity, but a deep-seated knowledge that something is not making sense.
My guess is you edit these comments, and this one will never find its way up on your blog. Let’s see if you have the guts to have some real dialogue about this issue..
p.s. – does Caroline = David?
SFGoldenBabe -
No, sorry, Caroline is … Caroline! I suspect that you may be the woman who is the “snooper” described in this blog. And just because someone criticizes you does not make them David …
Do you know what I hear in your comments? Rationalization, rationalization, rationalization … and a total lack of willingness to take any responsibility for the fact that snooping is WRONG even if, as you suggest, your “intuition” was correct.
The two things are mutually exclusive – The fact that your boyfriend was indeed doing something wrong does not justify doing what you did. And assuming he did do whatever it was, then you BOTH were wrong.
Your pardoning of your wrong actions based upon a discovery of his is totally off … and again says to me that there is an issue with your basic sense of right and wrong.
So bravo on the accuracy of your “women’s intuition,” but I wouldn’t be too proud of myself …
Rochelle…. Big AWE! We all that experiences that make us hurt, regret and grow from. Blessings.
Ditto to what Jim said Rochelle – It’s so great how from a bad situation you gained so much incredible insight into yourself!
Caroline: No SF GOLDEN BABE is not the person this blog was written about. It was written about me.
David: Why don’t you put the rest of the story up AKA what the lie was and let everyone judge for themselves?
O!
Hey everyone,
So I guess this one hit a nerve, huh?
This hits close to home for me. I grew up in a house where there was a lot of snooping. My every action, word, and thought was observed, interpreted, and judged. There was no such thing as privacy, and interrogation was a daily thing. It led to me growing up in a very conscious way — conscious of every thing I did and its implications.
I think it’s one of the reasons I ended up seeking out the pickup community in the first place. I was so socially miscalibrated it took me a lot of work to be normal, let alone social.
So now, when someone checks up on me, it brings up a lot of bad feelings, a lot of anger. And it makes me feel trapped.
I think that’s what it does to most guys — it makes them feel trapped.
On the other hand, getting cheated on hits home for women too. It makes them feel violated and worthless.
So what’s the solution??
I think the problem is both guys and girls are treating symptoms, not causes.
For girls, a guy’s infidelity is a symptom. Either she picked the wrong guy in the first place and the relationship was over before it started, or she hasn’t done a good job keeping her guy engaged in the relationship.
Of course the infidelity isn’t her fault entirely, but she can only change herself and her behavior, so if she’s looking for solutions, she needs to look at herself, not his email.
A woman needs to realize that keeping her man engaged is a constant process. She has to continually seduce him and intrigue him in order to maintain his devotion and interest.
For guys, a girl’s snooping is also a symptom. It’s a sign he hasn’t earned her trust completely. Small dishonesty gets overlooked in the moment, but it adds up over time until she feels compelled to resolve the issue one way or another. If a guy doesn’t want his girl to turn snoopy, he’s got to be honest and GO OUT OF HIS WAY to admit the bad parts of himself — especially with regard to other women, and especially at the beginning of a relationship.
If he does this confidently and without an air of guilt, she’ll accept what he has to say and implicitly accept similar behavior in the future. By setting the ground rules and expectations early, he has saved himself trouble later.
– Patrick
Patrick – Great comment
I just found it interesting, though, that you seem to be assuming that the boyfriend in question did whatever Ms. Snooper suspected he did AND that the “thing” was cheating. Do we know either?
So many things (everything?) can be misleading out of context. That said, people will find what they’re looking for… someone looking for signs of deceit, is not framing the situation for honest communication.
Does this sound right: “I need to confront you so we can trust, and communicate openly & honestly.”
Let’s say the person did do something they shouldn’t; why wouldn’t they feel comfortable discussing it with you??? (loaded question)
David, I think you’ve touched on a subject that anyone that has ever attempted to conceal something or has been accused incorrectly about something can relate to. That would be ALL of us.
I was in a long marriage that ended painfully. It was not what I wanted at the time and I was desperate for answers and perhaps some hope. I was certain much was being concealed from me. In my desperation and weakness I looked at my wife’s emails. At that point trust was GONE for both of us.
Years later, and much wiser, I was in a wonderful relationship, engaged to be married. On a business trip with my fiancee, she opened my email while I was in a meeting and read through them. She found some correspondence that concerned her. I belong to the “open book” club, so I was surprised but not so concerned about her snooping. She fessed up about her snooping and got an explanation that resolved her concern. Her experience of being overly curious, suspecting and then discovering that her concerns were nothing, had a residual effect, but more important spoke of her fears and insecurities.
Bottom line, the whole trust issue is about the connection two people have in a relationship, the stories we create and tell ourselves, and ultimately about self-love.
People that know me, know I am a huge advocate of making sure we are energetically aligned with our beloved. If we’re not, there is going to be trust issues because we just don’t speak the same language and we don’t have the heart-to-heart connection that creates an open channel for dealing with just about anything that can come up. That’s number one.
The next biggy, and what gets everyone of us into trouble…is getting caught up in our stories. Most of us have a perfectly good explanation for holding onto an emotion related to something in the past. GET OVER IT!!! The past is just that. Whatever you think happened to you yesterday is a story that was true for you yesterday, but has NO truth today. And when you hold on to that story of the past, then none of us, including you, have a clue who YOU ARE today. You leave us guessing because you can’t show up and be authentic in the present.
What do we do when we have to guess? We create stories about who you are. We create stories about what you will be like tomorrow. We get totally caught up emotionally about how you might behave. We create expectations that are never accurately met. We build resentments that are often not spoken, just felt. We feel guilty for not meeting our beloved’s (or friend’s) expectations.
We create stories and none of them are real, because we‘re not being present. Absolutely the best way to mess ourselves up is to live in the past or get tweaked about something that has not yet happened.
And the biggest bummer in so many relationships is in many cases we just check out, quit, decide it’s not worth it and give up on possibly a beautiful thing. Or we take off without either person being able to get to a place of gratitude for what they did enjoy while still knowing that the relationship did not meet each others needs.
Snooping in email, closets, bank accounts, etc.—all a rationalization for not trusting and loving the most important person—our self.
Someone goes snooping. Where is the self respect, security and the trust in themselves? It’s not there. Time to figure out why and time to take ownership of it.
I looked in my ex-wife’s email. I was totally insecure. I was way into stories that completely controlled my life. I was caught up in desperation. I didn’t trust her or myself. I was a mess. When a good friend whacked me upside the head and reminded me who was the most important person to love, things began to change.
The gal that looked at her boyfriend’s email needs to look at herself first. Her intuition might have been right. It does not justify what she did to her boyfriend or HERSELF. Like some of the others who have beautifully responded have said, have a conversation about it. Just show up, be authentic and ask. If her boyfriend was doing something that doesn’t work for her, then she can share that. If he doesn’t care or can’t talk about it, then it’s much better to find that out right then and there, instead of creating stories that will only make things worse.
Love yourself. Live fully in the present. Live authentically. Make mistakes and own them and speak your truth. The rest is too much drama… but certainly good for blogging!!!!
It is NEVER ok to read someone’s email. Or to follow them to see what they are up to. Or any other violation of privacy. If you distrust someone that much maybe you should ask yourself if you want to be with him / her at all, regardless of what you may or may not find out.
Can you say “self-fulfilling prophecy”? If you believe your siginificant other is hiding something and start snooping, he will make it harder for you find anything whether he was guilty or not. If you believe he is going to leave you, you may begin acting in a way that CAUSES him to leave you. He will lie to avoid a confrontation. He will stop answering your calls so he doesn’t have to hear it any more. If you constantly ask if he is not with you because he is with the other girlfriend – he will find someone else who isn’t so insecure. Calm down.
nice tips, will keep it in mind in the future!
Larry
That was an amazing post. You are so right people need to really start to trust themselves. I once dated a man that was talking time off he was between careers and had way to much golf time and me time.
He was an amazing person but we ran out of things to talk about, he was not passionate about his life anymore. He was too young to retire and too smart to do nothing.
He was just golfing and hanging with me. I felt like i was under a microscope at all times.
The relationship was way too much pressure for me and i ended up running.
He would question everything.
Too much time on anyones hands can make someones mind play tricks. Thanks David as always you hit it right on the head.
jen
that was a great post. so true you can dig and dig and once you find it you can confirm what you really manifested the whole time!!
i feel bad for anyone that has to take such measures.
we are all flawed but sometimes two people will push each other in some strange directions
Larry
I have been out of pocket all day and missed all the great posts. I finally have a few minutes to catch up on over 350 emails and to clear my own head.
3 days of family air clearing will do that to you but glad to have taken the time to get all of it out in the open.
After reading your post i now fully understand why you and i are such great friends. The depth of what you see and feel is something that i always enjoy hearing about,
being my elder friend:) i always learn a lot from you.
thanks for taking the time to allow all of my readers to see the depth of who you are!!!
i think life is a long hard process and sometimes we react in ways we never thought possible.
I’ve done it. Not the snooping thing, but I got mad because I didn’t see someone as often as I wanted. I said “If you really wanted to see me, you’d FIND the time. ” That was true, but my behavior certainly didn’t help him want to see me. If I’d just relaxed and let things develop at their own pace, we might still be seeing each other. I KNOW he liked me a LOT. I blew it.
If you convince yourself something is true, you can easily cause it to become true even if it was false in the beginning.
So true Jen
People have that power to manifest anything and that is really sad.
As soon as I read this I knew it wasn’t an objective hypothetical. David what happened?? I agree personal accounts are not to be violated by anyone. There are laws preventing people from opening others’ mail. Its the same situation with phones, an ex of mine and I would regularly search through eachother’s phones. But we were always present and gave consent when it happened. It’s just a trust issue. Sometimes it’s more serious than others, but for us it was just like a routine check up. But still probably not healthy all the same.
It seems pointless to check someone’s cell phone. It’s so easy to delete a call. – especially if you know someone might check.
Yeah well deleting emails is also easily done. It was more of a case of the every-now-and-then thing. Not everyday
So many great comments today!
But I’m going to borrow a quote from one of my friend who is happily married:
“At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. What matters is that you love each other.”
I’m not advocating to violate each other’s trust… whether it’s by snooping or lying. There are definite boundaries and/or dealbreakers that you and your partner need to hash out to avoid it from happening again.
However, once you’ve made your case clear to each other, in the end… do you love each other? If so, are we courageous enough to “forgive and forget”?
Khiem –
As amazing as I think 99.9% of your comments are … I have to quibble with you a bit on this one
Love is wonderful, fantastic … and certainly an essential item to any good relationship (or marriage) — but being in love with someone does not excuse nor should it require you to “just forgive and forget” anything the person you’re in love with does.
Love is but one element to the equation … and, dare I say it in light of this blog, trust is another (I believe) equally important one. There can be NO true relationship, intimacy, bonding, or connection without trust.
I think we’ve all been in love with someone who wasn’t so healthy for us to love
So, to quote Don Henley “Sometimes love just ain’t enough”
You’re still awesome though Khiem!
Great blog…and lot fun comments to read. I would say in the end of the day it comes down to mutual Respect for each other and like Khiem said love and forget!!
Khiems new nick is = Yoda of dating;)
Controversial post David. As far as I’m concerned, always address your fears out in the open with your partner. Lying or snooping around never helped anyone. I know, I’ve tried.
This make sense! Good blog!
Wow. This blog really hit home with me. I had a “white lie” to my ex-fiancée and it came back to bite me in the @ss big time.
She went through my emails and my message history after she had a “feeling something wasn’t right”. She didn’t tell me this for over a week or so and I knew something was up. I didn’t tell her about what was said between myself and my ex-GF up front and lied about it so I wouldn’t hurt her..
long story short.. basically I was having thoughts about going back to my ex-GF before I had really gotten to know and fall in love with my ex-fiancée long before we were engaged.. another year went by things were going great. The subject hadn’t come up in a very long time and thought we had moved past it. Well we had a big fight and this subject got brought up and I finally told her the full truth hoping to finally put it to rest. Well that back fired and we were over like that. Of course it was all my fault and she refuses to see that she violated my trust as well.
Its been several years and a few GF since then, but I have yet to find one that I have loved as much as her..
Will, it hurts to read that. Have you considered reaching out again? You’ve grown, maybe she has too… Worst case nothing changes…
Thanks Ken.
It brought back a few unpleasant memories typing that. I tired for a long time to at least start talking to her again, she wouldn’t have anything to do with me.
So I learned from my mistake and brutal honesty is the only way I fly now. Hurtful or not. I just say “Would you rather I lie to you or do you want the truth?”.
Will,
Is it likely that brutal honesty from the beginning would have changed the outcome?
Possibly, but as others have stated, would she have done it again at a later date and justified it because of another feeling?
Was it right for me to lie to her, even though I was trying to protect her?
Two wrongs definitely don’t make a right.
Its just one lesson I have learned among many, although, it was probably the hardest so far.
“There are no accidents and everything happens for a reason”
I can certainly relate to how difficult/long it can be/take to move on…
Letting go and living in the present instead of comparing is a big step; but then the old “perfect” is a pleasant memory of the past, from before you understood…
This is fascinating to read. I’m impressed at how much better the grammar of these posts is than general posts across the web.
During my separation from my husband he put spyware on my computer, read all of my e-mail, and read my journal. I did feel a complete violation of my privacy, but at the same time I understood that he was feeling desperate.
He did find things I’d rather he hadn’t, of course, because I think that most of us have things about our lives that we’d rather everyone not know.
I think it’s interesting that the original post was about why it’s wrong to snoop, and a later comment said that, even if one person has done something wrong, it’s still wrong to snoop. I’m going to, oddly enough, respectfully disagree.
Snooping shows that the snooper is feeling insecure and that there is probably something awry in the relationship. However, if your girlfriend is cheating on you and refuses to talk to you about it, which is likely going to be her reaction in such a situation, should you sit back and trust that she isn’t cheating? Should you break up with her on a hunch that she may be cheating? What IS the answer in such a situation? (By the way, just for the record, I wasn’t cheating on my husband. I’m not sure that that’s relevant, but in case anyone was wondering…)
I totally understand what you are saying, however, if the person you are involved with keeps lying about what they are doing, “he/she” is violating the trust issues.
My husband lied throughout our entire 10 year marriage! I did do all the things you said were violations and I found many things that destroyed me. I also informed him when I did find things, but it never did any good, he would find a way to blame me for not trusting him.
I can’t see just sitting back and believing a person when you are certain he cannot be trusted. If you find out there are “major” issues, you can approach the possibility of therapy and try to heal the relationship. Which in my case didn’t work. He just kept lying and I would violate his privacy to prove to myself I was being deceived.
In fact, that very violation, and proof, gave me the strength to finally walk away.
In closing, I absolutely agree in trusting your partner, if they have shown you they can be trusted. You do not go snooping unless you see many discrepancies, the red flags.
Some people are very trustworthy and our suspicions may very well be unfounded, but when you have huge doubts, I say violate and re-violate until you are sure. It may very well save your life!
Why was Hope’s e-mail from June 18 just posted?
Hope, if you’re still in this relationship I really think you should GET OUT. Someone who lies and lies and then lies some more to cover up the lies isn’t going to suddenly change. I know how difficult it is to leave someone you love, but if you stay it’s likely that you’ll never trust him again regardless. Someone who rationalizes telling lies to protect your feelings isn’t someone you SHOULD ever trust again.
How do you know that David’s post was about you? And why was there nothing in his post about your point of view?
Kate,
I do not disagree with you.
You need trust too… but my comment came from the assumption that you make a commitment to one another (like in marriage or if you TRULY TRULY know you want to make the parternship/relationship work with someone)
If you do find someone you feel you can live with… and if you do decide to commit to one another. Then sometimes, you have to learn to forgive and forget.
Of course, there are some boundaries and deal breakers that you both need to know and acknowledge about each other. That’s how you create respect in the relationship.
Charlotte,
Sometimes, comments appear late because they have to clear the spam filter.
Obviously, none of you have found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist or a con-man.
Yes, you could just leave once you realize what’s going on but you will never get the full truth from such a person. And without doing some snooping, you’ll have no idea how much damage they’ve done.
Trust, but don’t do so blindly. And there’s no harm in protecting yourself if you find yourself caught up in someone else’s lies.
For the average relationship I’d say there’s no need to snoop and it just damages the relationship.
But I don’t beleive for a second that it’s unequivacally “wrong.”
How can you be a relationship expert????????? you really look like one big Asshole to me!!!!!! haha no kidding