Over The River And Through The Mall
By David Wygant

Over the river and through Whole Foods to anyone’s house we go . . .

I never really understood the “over the river and through the woods” analogy for Thanksgiving because my Grandmother made the driest turkey this side of the Sahara Desert.

We’re about to head into the holiday season. Six weeks of tedious annoying Zales Jewelers commercials, not to mention that lovely $69.00 diamond pendant with diamonds the size of bedbugs.

What Thanksgiving really kicks off (other than the end of the Lions’ playoff hopes) is the start of the most vulnerable six weeks of the year for singles. Let’s call it “the quest to meet someone before 5-4-3-2-1 woo hoo Happy New Year!”

Most people don’t enjoy being alone during the holidays. I, on the other hand, look at it as a great time to meet people when they’re most vulnerable. Women tend not to make up any fake boyfriends during this time of the year, and tend to be a little more aggressive on the dating front.

It is also a great time of year to have a fun fling. People take inventory and realize that they may not have had the quantity or quality of sex that they desired or needed this year. Not only that, having a few flings before the end of the year becomes like time travel . . . because come January 1, 2008 it all starts over again.

So for me, this is my favorite time of the year. Let’s rename it “the pickup season.”

Think about it – frantic singles all running around looking for Christmas gifts giving you so many things about which to talk. As a matter of fact, I suggest people who are single “people shop” every day.

I remember a few years ago when I had nothing going on for Thanksgiving. So I walked into Whole Foods the day before Thanksgiving and I picked up my Thanksgiving dinner: a box of Peanut Butter Bumpers and soy milk.

As I was looking for some pumpkin pie to finish off my sugar rush, I bumped into this really sexy woman who had a cart full of some really great looking food. So I started a conversation with her:

DW: “Your dinner looks a lot better than mine.”
Her: “Please tell me that’s not your Thanksgiving dinner.”
DW: “I’d love to tell you it’s not not my Thanksgiving dinner, but that would be a lie. I was going to get Crunchberries, but they were out of them. Crunchberries remind me of my Grandmother’s cranberry sauce and dried out turkey.”

We proceeded to talk, and she said that she refused to let me eat Peanut Butter Bumpers for Thanksgiving . . . and I got invited to a Thanksgiving night party with her and seven of her hot sexy friends.

I have a confession to make to all of you. I’ve done that every year I’ve been single.

I actually enjoy spending Thanksgiving with total strangers. I mean, didn’t the pilgrims do that before they killed all the Indians? Then again, my knowledge of history is a little poor at times . . .

So if you want to know where I’ll be today, I’ll be at Whole Foods on San Vicente. I’ll be the guy with the Peanut Butter Bumpers and soy milk . . . because I have no plans tomorrow, and I know I can go out and meet somebody today who will invite me to Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.

My question to all of you is this: Are you going to let this holiday season slip away, or are you going to be proactive in meeting someone? Are you going to feel sorry for yourself that you’re not in love for the holidays, or are you going to go out and have a blast going “people shopping” every day?

Over the course of the next few weeks, I am going to be posting some really fun “people shopping” videos so you can learn the art of meeting people during the holiday season. As for those of you who realize after completing your own sexual inventory that you haven’t had enough nooky, I suggest spiking the eggnog early. It will make it easier to get through the holidays better.

I’ll see you at Whole Foods at 4:00 . . .

So how do you turn a woman on with one look?
Check out todays video.