Tinkle Tinkle
By David Wygant

Recently I was on the phone with a woman I’m friends with, talking to her on my bluetooth headset as I was strolling through Whole Foods. All of a sudden, I got this tickling feeling at the edge of my penis, and I realized the water I drank during yoga had to be released. As Morgan Freeman said in Driving Miss Daisy “I gots to make water.”

At that moment, I covertly went to the men’s room while continuing to have my conversation with my friend. Now I really didn’t want her to hear me splashing my water against the toilet, so I decided to sit down. Of course, before I sat down I made sure I cleaned and wiped the toilet seat. As you know, it’s been rumored that I’m germophobic.

So I sat down, continued my conversation . . . and I tinkled. For those of you who want to call it something else, let’s say I urinated (or whatever you want to call it). So when I was finished tinkling, I got up and there immediately was this giant “whooshing” sound. I had been sitting on one of those automatic toilets with the automatic flushers.

Since we know how disgusting men are, many public toilets have the automatic flushers so men don’t leave little presents for the other men. So the Whole Foods I was in was smart enough to install automatic flushing toilets.

Upon hearing the loud “whooshing” sound, my friend on the other end of the line said “What the hell was that?!” So I had to come clean, and confess that I had been making water. My friend started laughing really hard.

Now c’mon, we’ve all been there during the dating process. You’re on the phone getting into a great conversation with someone that you’re trying to get to know, and then you’ve just got to make water.

So you go in the bathroom, and if you’re a guy you sit down and you covertly tuck him because you know if you stand up she’ll be able to hear the sound of water hitting water. Look, we’ve all been there.

I can even be in that first conversation with a woman, and if I have to pee, I pee . . . I just don’t flush. Of course, you can always just run the water in the bathroom sink really hard and hit the toothbrush against the sink as you flush, and tell her that you were doing the dishes. So there are ways to disguise it.

I’ve even done number 2 while I was flirting with a woman on the phone. To be honest with you, and unlike Daphne my Labrador who needs to find the perfect scent before she will poop, when I’ve got to go, I’ve got to go. Plus you really don’t want to call somebody back with whom you are in the middle of a great conversation.

The key thing with successfully pooping or peeing on the phone without being discovered, is to pray that you don’t get splashback. The last thing you want a woman to hear (especially with the very sensitive microphones that are in today’s headsets) is the sound of a turd hitting the bowl.

So today’s question to all of you is this: Have you ever been caught using the toilet while flirting with a potential date on the phone? Also, what are some of your tips to being covert in this situation so that you don’t get caught.

Another day in another blog we’ll talk about when it is appropriate to begin peeing and pooping in front of someone you’re dating.