The other day Sonja and I were walking around, and I saw this really cute cat. I was at the foot of the driveway, and the cat was at the back of the driveway.

Sonja looked at me and said, “Oh my God, a Siamese cat. I love them!” I said, “Me too.”

So we both got down on the ground and looked into each other’s eyes. We had that really great gaze that only lovers can have.

All of a sudden, we got involved in this heavy petting session — right there at the end of the driveway. It was really heavy petting.

That cat kept pushing up against us really hard as we were petting it. It kept raising its ass up in the air because it was loving the heavy petting so much. It kept banging its head against us, to encourage us to continue the heavy petting.

When we left, we were hoping the cat wouldn’t follow us since we had to cross the street. I know after an intense heavy petting session, cats tend to follow you because they are so satisfied.

So why this whole cat story? Well it was inspired by an email I just received.

The email said, “I met up and took a trip with a guy. At the end of the trip, we kissed and had some heavy petting, but no sex. Then he went back to his country. . .”

Heavy petting? Really?

Are we rubbing each other’s heads like cats? Are we touching each other on that certain spot above the ass, resulting in us sticking our butts up in the air? Are we getting down on all fours and saying stupid things to one another so that the other person will touch us with heavier hands?

Heavy petting just sounds so hot. “God, Sonja and I made out the other night. It was so hot. Then, all of the sudden, we were heavy petting . . . ” Come on now.

Heavy petting is the weirdest term in the world. Who came up with that term?

What ever happened to the term “fooling around?” How about saying that you were caressing each other’s bodies? How about saying that you were sexually touching each other? How about just saying kissing and some great foreplay?

When did we become animals? When did “heavy petting” become a term in our common vocabulary? Let’s talk about that today.

In the meantime, I have to go because my girl is looking at me right now wagging her tail and I need to take her for a walk. Wait, actually I am going to do some heavy petting on Daphne my dog, so that she will be extra satisfied when she pees.