Eye Contact By David Wygant
I’m sure all of you have already read some of the posts we’ve done on body language and how to command a room when you first walk in. One thing that always comes to mind – and I get a lot of emails from guys about this – is eye contact.
Can you have too much eye contact? When is the right time to look at her? Is there too little eye contact? What if I’m nervous? Where exactly do I look?
Well, here’s exactly what I say about eye contact. Eye contact is very important. Whenever I talk to a woman, I look directly into her eyes. I don’t care if I’ve met her for the very first time or if I’m having sex with her, I will look at her directly in her eyes.
Women don’t trust people who look all over the room. Nervous eye contact is a guy that looks you in the eyes and then bounces around and looks all over the place. When your eyes are bouncing all over the place, what you are telling a woman – or at least what she thinks in her mind – is that you are looking at someone else, or checking somebody else out.
The reason that women like direct eye contact so much is that they feel like you are completely engrossed. When someone looks at you directly in your eyes, they feel like they are getting all of your attention. There’s a key element to this whole thing as well – when you’re looking at someone directly in their eyes, you’d better not look at them like a stone statue.
You’d should be looking at them very animatedly – if they’re telling a story, don’t just stare directly at them without a smile on your face. React to the words that they say. If they say something funny, smile! If they say something sad, show sadness in your face.
You can’t just stare directly at them, because that type of direct eye contact is going to make them nervous. You need to make sure that your facial expressions also match your eye contact.
Another thing that makes women nervous is when you are talking to them, you look at them in the eyes, and then you keep looking down. Looking down shows women that you’re an insecure man. Women will not feel secure around you, and they will actually start wondering whether or not they want to continue talking to you. They wonder why you keep looking at your shoes. They wonder if you’re reading the Nike label on your sneaker or whatever it might be – but it shows the signs of a weak man.
Don’t forget – 80% of what you do and how you communicate with women is nonverbal. You never have another opportunity to make a good first impression. By looking down, you are showing a sign of weakness.
Women are looking for strong men, so the eye contact you give has to be backed by animation on your face as well. So if you don’t know how to animate your face, or how to react to something, what you need to do is hang out with a friend of yours and have them tell you a story. Look directly in the mirror (instead of looking directly at your friend) and every time they talk, check out your smile. Check out how you look. Check out the way you nod your head. Check out the way you use hand gestures.
Would you trust yourself? Would you be attracted to yourself? You’ve got to work on it. A lot of men (and women too) have trouble smiling. You’ve got to smile, and you have to be comfortable in your smile. You have to be comfortable in the way you frown, and in the way you animate.
Look at trained actors. This is another great thing – if you take a look at actors, there is something in the industry called ‘eye actors.’ If you look at the way an actor reacts to certain things, there are actors that will move their eyes all around and scrunch their foreheads a bit and get animated.
That’s why a lot of actors are shooting themselves up with Botox. They are really using their eyes all the time – they are penetrating with their eyes. It’s a known thing living in Los Angeles that there are lots of eye actors out there. There are some really good eye actors – take a look at Patrick Dempsey on Grey’s Anatomy. Look at the way he looks at a woman – look at the way he smiles, the way his face lights up. Look at his eye contact.
Or George Clooney – he does it the same type of way. Tom Cruise is a wonderful eye actor – same thing, he looks directly at you. His facial expressions always match the emotions being shown in his eyes. Don’t be afraid to show emotion when someone tells you an animated story. These are some great ways to practice.
We notice it more and more – eye contact has to be strong, powerful, and has to really show your intent. Not only are you showing that you are really listening to her, but you are also showing that you are not afraid of her. That’s one of the key things that turn a woman on – they can sense that you have a powerful, masculine energy coming off of you.
How do you turn that energy into a more seductive look though? Let’s talk about that another time. It’s important to practice this eye contact in order to master it, before we get to advance the seductive eye contact. So we’ll talk about seductive eye contact another day.
Todays video is all about how to become interesting. Have you ever spoke to a woman and ran out of things to say.
No more boring talk!!
Thanks David, for this great post!
Say, is it coincidential that my comment on your previous blog was a question on eye contact and here you come up with this blog?
At my work, we HAVE to have eye contact with our customers. It’s part of our routine. “Under – cover” customers(sent from some sort of central, they’re supposed to check if we do what we are supposed to do) often come and judge the way we treat our customers, then give us points for that.. and the form that they fill out and hand in to our bosses afterwards, include “did he/she have eye contact with you?” Good practice!! It forces us to look the person we’re selling to right in their eyes..
But you’re right about the practicing thing. I think most people are just nervous of having eye contact with someone. I get nervous sometimes, but it’s about confidence I guess. I’m working on it though
Eye contact doesn’t just let women know you care and are attentive, it can be a down right turn on for many. That you have “only eyes” for them, regardless of what’s happening around you can be a huge thing. Whoever said that eyes are the window to our souls was absolutely right! I can read people so well through only their eyes that it’s frightening sometimes. Even as I kiss someone, I like to watch how they’re reacting. Perhaps that’s too far for many, but I’m completely comfortable with it and it’s a practice I enjoy
One actor you left out who uses his eyes better than so many: Jack Nicholson. He’s one of my favorite actors and one reason is because his eyes and facial expressions are always 100% in tune with the scene.
thanks david! this is another great post, i havnt posted here before, but have been following your stuff for a few months – just wanted to say hi! and keep up the great stuff!
// Nathan
Jeffrey – I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but to notice that you said: “even as i kiss someone, i like to watch how they’re reacting”..
You do that? Do you let the person you kiss know that you have your eyes open?
I’ve only met ONE guy who does that, and that annoyed the hell outta me.. but I guess if you keep your eyes on the person you kiss and the way you look at the person isn’t an ugly stare, it doesn’t matter.
JustMe – yeah I also have been guilty of kissing with my eyes open in the past
but I really felt more connected to her that way – cos I could see who I was kissing, I don’t just want to be kissing ANYONE!
hmmm, I don’t know. As a girl, I feel more connected when I’m held when kissed, and stroked on my face at the same time.. but I always close my eyes.. It makes me feel warmer.. I feel too “exposed” if the guy has his eyes open..
Don’t know, matter of preference I believe..
But my ex used to keep his eyes open.. Funny thing is that I had to keep my eyes open to see if he did the same thing… It was the weirdest thing ever, to kiss with eyes opened!
Didn’t think it was usual at all!
I thought my ex was very special in doing so, until Jeffrey here said that he does that
I think guys and girls feel differently about how to “feel” a kiss.. If that made any sense
I realize that eye contact is important and all you’ve said makes sense but I’ve had this weird neurotic thing since I broke up with my ex over two years ago where I feel like everyone can ’see through’ me and into me when I look into their eyes so I developed, unconsciously, this weird avoidance thing, with women, and with people in general. I’ve read up on social phobia but I need some advice that actually creates a real ’shift’ in me. HELP!!
Jay,
It sounds like you have a good understanding of both the process, and that they can’t really see through you…
Have you tried exploring what someone would see if they could see through/into you? What would you want them to see? What don’t you want them to see? Why?
jay, i understand how you feel, however, it is from a female’s point of view. since educating myself through this site, i found that i am probably making people uncomfortable when i don’t look into their eyes. it is somewhat scary, but i am praticing and hopefully practice wll make better. so keep your nose to the grind stone and it will get better for all of us.
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In response to jRabbit and Ken E….. Thank you guys sooo much for the support and understanding. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who understands this. God Bless you folks!
From a woman’s perspective, I agree that the eye contact makes him come across as confident and way sexy… but what about shyness? some people think no eye contact means you are dishonest or as some would say “weak”; it could in fact be that you are shy or nervous. How can a lady tell the difference? How can a man tell the difference? do the same rules apply to both sexes?
Any comments?