It’s All About Respect
March 24, 2009 
17 Comments
Hey Everyone,
This is week #2 of my new Tuesday “Q&A” blog format. If you missed it last week, I am now posting my answers to questions submitted from my newsletter subscribers every Tuesday (one from a man and one from a woman each week).
So if you have not submitted a question and want me to answer something for you, I am accepting questions. The only limitation is that you need to be on my newsletter list to be able to submit a question (It’s a “subscriber-only perk!”)
If you are on my newsletter subscriber list and want to submit a question for me to answer, all you have to do is to respond to any one of the newsletter emails with your question. It’s fun, simple and easy!
If you’re not on my newsletter subscriber list and would like to be, all you need to do is go to the blue box at the upper right hand corner of each page of this website and submit your name and email. It’s that simple! Then as soon as you receive your first newsletter via email, you can submit your question!
Now, let’s move on to today’s questions!
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**Reader Question 1**
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Hey again David!Â
I know you’ve written that women do not flake on you and you also seem to teach an attitude of not burning bridges or being rude. But what would you do if a woman was to flake or act unnecessarily rude? Many of the other gurus teach to punish her in one way or another. Or most commonly they tell you to call her on it, “You look angry.” Or “I only date women who respect my time.”Â
I’m assuming that there a just some women that will flake no matter what like there are some who are naturally very moody. How do you deal (or not deal) with these types?Â
Thanks again!
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**My Answer To Reader 1′s Question**
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This first question is from a man, but I believe this topic pertains equally to women. Well, supposedly a lot of other “gurus” teach men to punish a woman in one way or another for flaking. Â I don’t think very much of punishing people. It almost sounds like you’re the parent and they’re the child. Â
Instead of wasting your time “punishing” someone, why not ask yourself why you want to have a relationship with (or even start a relationship with) somebody who doesn’t value your time. Why do you want to have a relationship with somebody whom you need to punish right from the get-go?
It’s about respecting someone’s time. Â If you’re a flake, it means you don’t respect the person’s time on whom you’re flaking . . . plain and simple. So when I get involved with somebody, it needs to be someone who respects my time. That means that when there are plans set, they keep them.
Why do I want to punish somebody and have to change somebody right from the get-go? Â Relationships are hard enough without adding problems right at the beginning. Getting to know someone is difficult anyway, so why do I need to be the punisher?
Also, how would this punishing thing look? I’m in a relationship and one night my partner doesn’t come on to me. Does punishing them mean that I would refuse to come on to her the next night? If my girlfriend shows up 25 minutes late for a party, does that mean I’m supposed to punish her by showing up late to one of her events? That’s ridiculous. Â
If someone flakes on you, it means that you have not intrigued them enough from the beginning. That’s something I talk about in detail in my Men’s Audio Mastery Series.
In that program I go into how to intrigue a woman from the get-go, because I believe when you do that it creates in women a level of excitement to see you so great that they will cancel other plans to do it. If, however, you are with someone to whom you really don’t relate all that well and who was kind of iffy about you from the start, then if they flake on you it means something better came along and you didn’t intrigue them enough.
So, it all comes down to how you meet and connect with people. If you want people to stop flaking on you, you need to connect with them at a higher level when you first meet them. That’s what it’s all about, and what I spend time teaching.
Thanks for the great question!
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**Reader Question 2**
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This second question is from a woman, although again I think the answer pertains to both men and women.
David,
I just came upon your website through Yahoo personals, and I’d like to add one comment on the article you had about succeeding in getting a second date. One bad habit I’ve noticed on several dates was TEXTING incessantly during the date. More than one guy has been guilty of this, and needless to say, when they asked about getting together again, I was “busy”. I’m sure women do this too. It’s just RUDE. Thanks for letting me put my two cents in!
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**My Answer To Reader 2′s Question**
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Here we have someone who has had more than one guy be guilty of texting on a date. This is another great question. Let me tell you something, it’s a little bit of the same issue from the first question: respect. This must be “Respect Tuesday.”
You’re on a date with somebody and, all of a sudden, you’re text “beep” goes off and you return the text message. Basically what you’re doing when you do that is telling the other person “Hey, you know what, you’re not as important as the person I’m texting right now. So I’m going to take a break from our conversation and I’m going to text a friend.”
This is the most rude behavior in the entire world. You are basically telling somebody who is sitting with you that they are not as important as the person who is writing a message to you on your phone.
I think it’s extremely rude. Â You also come off like you’re giving the person who’s texting you a blow-by-blow account of your date. Unless you’re a doctor on call, you have small children or you have an elderly parent in the hospital, there is no good reason you should ever be texting on a date.
My girlfriend and I have been together for a while, and we never text when we go out to dinner. If either of our phones buzz or beep with an incoming text message, whichever one of us is getting the text will immediately cover our phone with our hand and put the phone away. To do otherwise is rude and disrespectful.
It seems like both of today’s questions are all about respect. If you don’t respect the person you’re dating, that indicates some serious character issues and flaws in you. Give the person you’re with your attention . . . you can answer your texts when you get home.
Kind of clueless here,
What kind of punishment does those Guru’s suggest men to do to women for flaking ?
Fun blog yesterday.
Flaking is a tough issue for me as well. Personally, I’m too lazy to play phone games with someone. I’ll typically try to reach the girl a few more times after the initial call/text and if she still doesn’t respond afterwards I’ll usually just forget about her.
Don’t start off a connection with obsessive texting between the two either. That is just going to lead to bad feelings from one or both of the parties involved if it doesn’t work out.
I say immediately get rid of any female who disrespects you during the initial meet. Human behavior is cyclical.
Lol David, what about accidental farts : )
the only texts I get is from my airline telling me my upgrade to First Class cleared….I think I have sent ten or so texts in the past year…This darn LA and NYC, so busy out of their minds they need to text on dates!!! If a date started doing that I would excuse myself and get the fuck away from the arrogant b*&*h!
Aretha Franklin came up with a song Respect years ago…I read something awhile back if you want respect then you have to earn it.
My Question:
Understanding each other why is it that when someone tries to help someone they take it the wrong way? How come is it when two people are in a relationship and after the honeymoon wears off the man will get where he is controlling? There was one time I use to say: When a guy dates you he is Romeo but when he puts that ring on your finger where did Romeo go? Sometimes I wonder how many guys have asked themselves where did Juliet go? I have noticed this in some relationships where the guy thinks he is boss and the wife is nothing but a slave to him. Should we be equal and loving towards one another and I am sure that there is no perfect relationship. Usually it all boils down to what is important to one may not be important to another.
I find this phenomena of lack of respect be particularly true in this day and age. Both scenarios whether it is flakiness or texting are signs of self absorption. Both things have to do with people being so absorbed in their own worlds and not thinking outside themselves and how the other person might feel. In order for any relationship to work, you have to think about how your actions might effect the other person. So Sandra–you are so right about how things should be equal and reciprocal!
So what should you do if you’re phoned or texted by one of the most important people in the world to you while you’re on a date. I’m really close with my family, and the one time it has happened, I did need to know what was going on in order to straighten out the brothers. I apologized and told him I had to straighten out kid issues. He was actually really great about it, and I still see him when I’m in the bay. What I’d like to know is why the incessant need to text? I’ve had a couple of different men text me incessantly attempting to have these long drawn out conversations via text messaging. It seems like this huge waste of time to me when we could just talk on the phone or see one another in person.
It’s different when you’re truly on-call for your job (even if you’re NOT a doctor) or you have small children, but geez – what did people do before cell phones, texting, IM, beepers, etc? Probably had a good time when they went out.
It’s like being with someone for lunch or a movie and they are unable to be out-of-touch even for a few hours. It’s ridiculous – no one is that damn important. I don’t do that to my family or my social circle and I wouldn’t do it to a stranger that I’m just getting to know….it’s beyond disrespectful. And I certainly would not accept that type of behavior on the flip side.
I’ve actually been on call for my job over the holidays, weekends, and in the middle of the night and as long as everyone knows up front – no harm and no foul. Ditto for people that I’ve been with but honesty is everything. But if you’re like that all of the time, then you are clearly too busy for me…and I’m not even particularly demanding otherwise. Your loss – not mine.
I turn off my cell phone when I am in a meeting with a client, nothing will take away from my time with them! If you are on a date and you do not turn off your cell phone ,and it beeps, I won’t mind at all if the lady says “Excuse me, this is a very important phone call I was expecting, can I answer it please?’. Of course it would be real nice if you warn your date before the date starts that you are expecting a very important phone call.
I have developed this email obsession and check it with my phone frequently. But I try hard not to do it when other people are around, they must think I am such a jerk if, while being in a conversation, I “pull it out”
and check my email!
It is true that with all the tech mania going on we are losing lots of human interactions and eventually connections. This may sound flip but I wonder if anyone read manifesto of the Unabomber…makes a great reading of an obviously sick person but whose ideas and consequences we are facing and are going to face in the coming years.
>>>>>>Sometimes I wonder how many guys have asked themselves where did Juliet go?
I wonder that myself every day with my wife:-) People change, life happens, kids come into play, lbs get added, playfullness is missed…But you make the best of it and, as David says, it really helps to concentrate on the present:-)
This is a great topic. I’m of an age that my dating life began before mobile phones were introduced, but now all of the girls I date have known nothing else. So whilst many of us may find it rude that people take calls and read and reply to texts whilst they’re with other people, for most there is little social stigma to doing this. Of course, I do hate it when a girl is constantly seeing to her phone whilst we’re out – that usually doesn’t last too long.
Funnily enough I saw a girl a couple of weeks back who is (unfortunately) currently in a relationship – as per David’s posts on this, I’m biding my time. Anyway, at the end of the ‘date’ she realised that her boyfriend had sent 4 texts over the preceding 3-4 hours that she hadn’t replied to. We were either having a great conversation or she just has great manners.
I agree way to many people text on dates. I put my phone on vibrate and the only place I will check it is if I have to go to the bathroom and its usually just because I date a lot of guys after meeting them online and my best friend checks on me to make sure I havent been murdered lol. But I always wait to be alone to text back. I had a guy this past Saturday take me to one of his favorite places and took a picture of his food and sent a picture text to his cousin to rub it in that he was at their favorite place. I was not impressed by the distraction.
Wow…this whole idea of “punishing” sounds very passive-aggressive and a bit creepy. What a way to start things out- by starting a retaliatory relationship instead of simply asking why they are late. If they do it more than once, break things off or tell them nicely that it puts you out. It’s no wonder there are some real dicks out there in the dating world if they’re following some of these “gurus”…
As for texting and cells on dates, unless it is an emergency or you’re on call (as mentioned earlier) set the phone to vibrate. I want a guy’s undivided attention and to give him mine in return, so I bury the phone in my purse. Just about anything can wait a few hours. And believe me, a guy who texts or takes a call during a date definitely lowers his chance of a second date. It’s so uncomfortable sitting at a table while someone jabbers on the phone.
Thank you for clearing that up! I hate it when people are texting in front of me while they are talking to me! Ugh! I make it a rule NOT to do that to ANYONE (even if they are boring)!!!! Someone’s gotta say the golden rule: don’t do it if you don’t want it done to you! I thought that about the time thing too and it’s so true. The person who I’d really like to be around would be all into me and want to be with me anytime and not text other people in front of me during our time together!
When it comes to flaking… I have one personal rule for myself.
I like to consider my time as a gift to someone. When I decide to meet someone, I’m not trying to get anything from them. I want to bring fun and joy to people around me… so if someone is flaking on me… I just retract my attention from them. They just showed themselves undeserving of me.
It’s not about punishing them… it’s really about having self respect for yourself. You decide who is worthy, who deserves to spend time with you.
Most people just need to respect themselves more… and once they do, they’ll surprisingly get less flakes.
I’m glad I saw this, kudos!