To Kiss Or Not To Kiss . . . That Is The Question
August 17, 2007 
47 Comments
To Kiss Or Not To Kiss . . . That Is The Question By David Wygant
Just how important is the first kiss at the end of the first date?
Recently I was talking to a client of mine about this very subject, and I was telling her that sometimes I don’t kiss at the end of a first date. I go in for the hug.
I just think the first kiss on the first date is overrated. Technically you are total strangers. You sat across from each other at a table somewhere, or maybe you took a walk in the park, or you spent a couple hours talking . . . and then what? You need to seal it with a kiss?
I don’t think the first kiss is important on the first date. What’s important on the first date is the recap in your mind after you leave them. Let me ask you a few questions. When you go home and you do the post-date recap:
• How do you feel?
• What are you thinking about?
• What did you think about this person and their lifestyle?
• What did you think about some of the stories they were sharing?
• Were there any warning signs?
• Was there anything they said that really made you nervous?
• Is there anything you want to do with them the next time you see them?
• Can you imagine sharing one of their adventures that they described?
Another step in evaluating the first date occurs when you wake up the next morning. When you wake up:
• Did you think about the person?
• Are you still excited the next morning that you met that person?
• While you’re kind of hanging out and going to work the next day, did you have a smile on your face that you met someone really cool the night before?
There’s a lot of pressure about the first kiss at the end of the first date. The first kiss at the end of the first date also does not necessarily mean that you’re going to end up seeing the person again. It could just be that you felt like you had to kiss them just because it was the end of the date.
I feel kissing at the end of the first date is so predictable. Not kissing a woman at the end of the first date is the opposite . . . it just shows a sense of patience. It’s also really nice to get a hug at the end of the first date, because really you’re both nervous at the end of the first date. She’s wondering if you are going to kiss her. You’re wondering if you should kiss her. So, why bother?
A lot of times there’s not even a lot of passion in that first date first kiss. It’s a nervous, windshield wiper kiss. Your tongues do a little dance in each other’s mouth. Neither one of your hands are moving anywhere. It’s kind of like your first dance in high school.
So let’s get rid of the misconception about the first date first kiss. What’s more important is the follow-up phone call, or asking them out during the first date for another date. Those are signs of real interest. Real interest is also calling them the next day, seeing what they’re up to, and getting together with them soon so you can keep the momentum going. This will make the first kiss a real first kiss.
So here’s a question for all of you: Do you like to hug, or do you need that first kiss for confirmation at the end of the first date? Do you desire a nervous windshield wiper kiss . . . or a passionate second day after kiss?
Hugs are great!
I read somewhere that for a woman to be happy she needs to be hugged three times a day!
I think, that the key
OK, I’m sorry David … but I have to say that if I go out on a first date with a guy and DON’T get that first kiss, that sends the immediate message to me that he is not interested. By extension, I am never “waiting by the phone” for a call from a guy from whom I’ve gotten a first date hug.
Having said all of that, if more guys would do what you suggest, i.e., keep the momentum going by either asking you out for a second date during the first date or by calling the next day after the first date, then I probably would not put so much significance on the first date kiss.
I must also admit that you are right about the quality of a first date first kiss. Despite the fact I always hope it will happen (for the reasons I stated above), the passion and quality of the first date first kiss inevitably pale next to pretty much every kiss you have with that person after that! In fact, I just met a guy recently who, when he kissed me at the end of our first date, I thought might not be a great kisser. But after kissing him on our second date … I had no complaints!
David…. Good blog. Sometimes less is more. Hugs are good 24/7/365. We all need to be loved up a little more. I once dated a girl for a month before i got a first kiss, not that i did not try. Her stock went up everytime she held me off. Red flags appeared later that i ignored. I ended the relationship later than i should of. I did learn about red flags. Good advise. Have a good weekend friends!
I usually prefer not to kiss on the first date, especially if it is some guy I just met off the internet, when I am looking for a relationship. It doesn’t mean I haven’t, especially at any age under 25, or won’t, but I definitly see the merits of refrain.
Within the last few years, I also discovered the benefits of not drinking on the first or second dates. Essentially, you get a more accurate perception of the other person, who you might be with that other person, and how you actually feel about that other person. I find alcohol tends to increase the likelihood that we will 1) over look red flags, 2) like the other person more than our match warrants and 3) detracts from the genuinness of experience.
Elizabeth- i totally agree, “keep the momentum going by either asking you out for a second date during the first date or by calling the next day after the first date” I think those are more valuable than a first kiss.
What I’d really like to hear talked about is “exiting gracefully” what happens when that first date is not going well for one of you.
It is all about momentum and next week we will be talking all about that.
Most men have no idea how to create that momentum and tension…….Hot hot stuff coming!!!
Lexi
No booze is a must on the first date!!!
David– it took me a while to learn that (no alcohol), trial and error and all that . . . fortunately I liked dating and experimenting with what works.
Slightly off topic– something I’ve been wrestling with lately is, whether or not to cut out alcohol permanently. On the one hand, I tend to believe that it mutes our ability to have more genuine experiences or make deeper connections while under the influence, on the other hand I’ve read studies that (The Maastricht Aging Study over 6 years) showed that moderate (about 1 drink per day) help protect against depression, more than not drinking at all, or drinking excessively (more than 3 drinks per day or 11 drinks per week). What’s your view on alcohol in general?
I don’t know David … I’ve had some pretty passionate kisses at the end of GOOD first dates. If a first date goes really well, you are usually up for a little end of the night passion … and there are few things hotter than a really, really passionate kiss.
Lexi
I dont drink….I am all about embracing the experience with a clear mind.
Plus i dont booze to loosen up…I am already loose:)
I will have a glass of wine once in a while but a clear head and being totally honest and open with a woman is a high for me.
I craze and desire real intimacy and the only way to experience that is to be clear with your thoughts.
Booze makes you cloudy……and makes you regret things. I have no regrets!!
Thank you David for this blog today. This is something I struggle with all the time when I’m on a first date. I am always nervous, and I think it’s very hard to tell if a woman wants to be kissed at the end of a first date. There doesn’t seem to be a goood hard and fast rule about whether it is even polite to try and kiss a woman at the end of the first date.
I’m glad that I can try the hug instead. David, maybe I’ll need to listen to your audio so that I can learn about keeping the momentum going. If I could learn to let a woman know I was interested during the first date, and NOT have to worry about trying to kiss her on the first date, I think I would be a lot less nervous.
Richard
Relax and engage her mind….dont worry about the kiss!!!!
David I agree with you about the hug, but I would even go a step further to say that there are hugs … and there are hugs
I think you can communicate to someone that you are interested with a hug almost like you can with a kiss. I’ve had some pretty passionate hugs that gave me no doubt that the other person was interested!!!
The better question is why do we need to try and guess the meaning of all these gestures — Hey guys … listen to David’s advice and start asking us out for a second date during the first date if you’re interested!!
Todd–
Correct me if I’m wrong but it sounds like you are looking for a tit for tat experience. The problem with this is that it seems like it kills intimacy. I never want to do anything sexual because I am expected to. It’s nice if a guy wants me to kiss him, but not because he did something for me. I want to be affectionate with people for who they are, not for trade.
If you are worried about money, there are lots of low-cost alternative first dates that can be MORE romantic and fun than the typically dinner and drinks or dinner and a movie.
David–
I agree, honesty is most important to relationships. I’ve had guys lie to me about silly things, that if they’d told the truth, wouldn’t have meant I liked them any less, but the lying, or omission, is what kills it every time, it’s also cheating both of us out of the experience of knowing who the other really is. I’d rather be told something I’m not fond of hearing than find out later the truth.
I am tending to agree with you re: booze and a cloudy head.
Have you always been loose?
Todd sounds like you are paying and expecting a woman to perform for you. They are not hookers:)
Lexi
I became this loose from years of working on myself.
This is why what i teach is not a game but a lifestyle. ONce a man or a woman learns the difference ….that is when the real self growth begins.
I am in Love with my life and when you are honest with yourself women and men find that quality attractive.
Its all about embracing who you are and not worrying about all the chatter in your head!!
This takes time and I am willing to share it with anyone!!
David, I always try and get a kiss at the end of a first date. Usually by that time I’ve bought dinner, at least a few drinks … What’s wrong with wanting the woman to share a little affection at the end of the date?
Wow! My commenst make me seem like i am paying a woman to perform for sex.
you are right maybe i should stop expecting things it never seems to work out anyway.
Todd
Now you get it!!!
Its all good and its all about learning how to connect with women not hump them:)
agreeing with Caroline: Hugs can communicate more than just a friendly thing. I have a really fine boss who has a crush on me and whenever we part he hugs me really REALLY tight. I’m really little (like 120lbs, 5’5”) and he is tall and muscular so it’s like a bear hug and almost kills me but it feels SOOOO GOOD AND WARM! LOL. And this is not a boss I see everyday, it’s like when our promo company host club events, I see him. He is so fine….but I got a bf and he is finer. LOL. I’m so bad! And I hardly EVER get hugged by my bf. I have to hug him. And then he’s all gentle. BOOOO! THAT’S NO HUG! lol. (Sorry, I’m craving affection and I’m a lil horny…sorry folks LOL.)
Did I miss this message from Todd that everyone is replying to?
I think it depends on the situation. If the guy follows up with a call or sets up the 2nd date during the first one, that’s cool. But sometimes a kiss is great at the end of the first date, especially if its been a longer one (more than a couple of hours). Nothing too deeply tongue-y. Just a nice smooch with maybe a tiny hint of open-mouthedness. Wow, I’m making up all sorts of words today! *lol*
But if a guy hugged me and I didn’t hear from him the next day OR we hadn’t set up a 2nd date, I’d assume he wasn’t interested at all and keep it moving.
Ah… the first date kiss.
I never feel the pressure either way… if the date starts going in that direction… with lots of tension and inuendo… maybe… maybe not…
If I’m interested… I’ll go ahead and set the next time out if I already have an idea of what I want to do…
But rest assured… a hug… a kiss on the cheek… a sly smile… and a wink definitely lets her know:
1. That I’m somewhat interested
2. That there’s something more POSSIBLY in store
3. That I can control myself and differentiate myself from every other guy that she’s been around.
Plus, depending on the venue… it might not be exactly appropriate to grope a woman down.
I’ve heard this time and time again and I’ll paraphrase it for you…
“What advice do you have for the average person that’s looking to better themselves in the world of dating?”
“Don’t be average…”
To kiss or not to kiss–that is the question?????
I say if you both connect and a kiss “happens” whats to analyze there? Just do it!
Before you do anything, make sure who and what you are, what you look like exactly, what you feel and think are DEFINED in detail, or you could end up with your heart in a broken state and that is a shitty place to be in.
I am in LA now, at the renaissance Hotel/Resort and Highly recommend it to anyone who comes here. It is time for me to go rest after a hellacious trip just to get here and some aftermath to follow.
Good day to all, and i will “see” you—well, when I see you–this ain’t cheap using their “services” here. Should bring a lap top when ya come!!!
KISS KISS whether you want them or not. LOL I can’t retract my entry!:) Soooo you have all been virtually kissed.
My hugs & kisses to all of you on this blog!
Double time for you Jessica
Thank you, Jim!
Jessica;
Have you and Jim ever talked?? Oneon one email–whatever?? I think I see attraction here a lot of times and you never know–it could be a great friendship/??? Just a thought from the heart:)
Got a lap top—yes!
I really don’t understand why all the wonderment and mystery on getting or giving that first kiss.
If you and another adult are attracted to each other, why all the hype about the first kiss? If that is the mutual and obvious wanton desire, I don’t think holding back will ruin a further kissing session, nor thwart another date. it will only make the woman that much more excited to see you again and be in a state of mind, “I canot wait to feel his lips caress mine again! Take it from a woman—yes me! I am a woman!
To me, that kiss, even if it is a soft kiss on the lips at the end of the night, makes the woman and maybe the men too—I don’t don a penis nor do I know a thing going through a mans mind to be honest, but I think for the most part—a woman longs for that kiss, and it stays in her mind as a positive experience, instead of the all wondering thoughts of why that kiss didn’t happen.
I AM a woman—100% through and through. I am passionate and feel that a woman would prefer a kiss as opposed to not at the end of a date. I am not talking about performing a damn toungue tonsilectomy! Just a soft lip grazing as you lok into her eyes. I GUARANTEE that willl hold thoughts of you in her mind far more than the no kiss approach.
That is just my opinion on this subject and I hope not for any flack because it is just the way I feel. It is not me saying, “Hey you need to kiss or you are f’ing up,” NO I am stating my feelings toward the subject simply
so I appreciate in advance your respect or that right you and I both share:)
Dear Desperate Housewife,
I think we all forgot what was the main question: kiss or hug at the end of the first date?
End the end of the first date the man is still a stranger to me! Why should strangers kiss? Personally, I don
Jessica;
I am not talking about taking a few sips of coffee with someone you barely ever have talked to and kissing them after 2 sips of java. If you go out on a date, that is lengthy for anytime, what is the kissing deal? I don’t get it.
OK. Lets try to figure it out! You meet a new person for a cup of coffee, you like each other and decided to meet again. You meet 2nd time, you like each other even more and you meet the third time. Now, when we hug and when we kiss. Is it going to be Hug /Hug /Kiss, Hug/Kiss/Kiss, Kiss/Kiss/Kiss or
ok, so, you met the guy on line. you had a couple of really good phone conversations, you meet him, finally. and wow, you finally have met someone who you seem to have chemistry with.after about 60 or so no chemistry dates.
we all know that men are somehow hardwired to believe (even though they will lie about this) that if she slept with me right away , she sleeps with every guy right away.
i think that 2 mature adults in they’re 40′s can make the adult decision to kiss, it’s not that big a deal, lets face it, how many guys do you really want to kiss???? when i meet someone ,and the attraction is there, i want to kiss him.
I have heard women say, a man must always go for the kiss at the end of the first date.
Hunter;
Hi. You know, i don’t think that it is every woman who would feel comfortable to have that advance made at the end of a date. This is why listening and being attune throughout your date is so important. You are going to know if that is a mutual desire or not. If you are unsure, then hold off. Again, you will know if you stay aware to the very end of the date what her body lauguage is telling you.
Speaking for myself, if a date went well and I felt like the man was worthy of a kiss, the kiss would happen. If I was unsure I would plitely let it be known, without speaking a word, this was not the time.
Body language speaks volumes when you are “hunting” (pun thoroughly intended–Hunter lol) for answers as to what is culminating throughout your date. You don’t have to have a clipboard attached to you making a thorough report on every itch she scratches and breath she takes, but mentally record the facts so at the end of the date you are going to know pretty much where you stand.;) Good luck!
Joan,
Yes, men have to watch that body language, I heard a therapist say, “women don’t need brains when relating, their bodies do the work for them.” I meant if the date, goes fairly smooth, a man goes for the kiss at the end of the date. Whereas, if you two have been contradicting each other all night, forget it pal……no sugar tonight….
You know, sometimes we can miss shit all together! You can feel like everything is going great, body language in tact and the all of a sudden some weird thing happens and—poof–you suck.
Just take your chances, dance the dances, exchange your glances, hope for advances. What do you have to lose? Some pride or a little bit of your heart? So, why even be out there if you aren’t up for that challenge?!?
Every date every meeting will not be ideal or close to what you dreamt of, but if you don’t stay in the “game,” you sure stand no chance of finding someone to share your thoughts, dreams and sexual fulfillment with.
Stay in there! I know I am not going to give up the search for myself!
Oh yea—kiss or hug???
DO BOTH!!
Hi Joan,
You are right, I have found women to be very brave and courageous, although, sometimes, this is not so, when you first meet them. Their defense mechanism is very high, it seems as if it doesn’t take much to scare them away.
i don’t know…….. a kiss is just a kiss. if you both have the chemistry, your both gonna know it. life is way to short to be stressing about a kiss. at least you’ll know if he is a good kisser before spending too much emotional energy just thinking about the kiss. i say go for it , if it “feels right”. if he doesn’t call you back, then, “he just wasn’t that into you.” games are such a waste of time.
Isnt that a song…a kiss is just a kiss…..sing it like jimmy durante:)
that’s right David , it’s a song. and it’s just a kiss. when did we become so pure???? i could be wrong, and hardly anyone gets a kiss from me, but when i want to do it, among other things, i do. there is somthing to be said for passion…. and it doesn’t come around very often, so when lightening strikes,well you fill in the blanks
know-me;
A song always culminates from someones deepest of impulses and feelings within.
What is not pure, when the beauty of a kiss is the act in question?
I don’t go around kissing the postman, the barber, the trainer—but when a special someone comes along–so will the kiss desired as long as I feel it is mutual, and to be honest, I have no quams about being the initiator thereof.
Kissing is an art in itself, and I for one appreciate a kiss in all its fullness just as I appreciate a beautiful painting or any work of art.
Why can’t this “modern” mindset of the sexual realm as a whole, all be pure? (aside from the obvious downfalls–std’s—)
Why do people turn it into such an over examined mountain of controversial issue?
I don’t understand why something that is so pleasurable causes such pains upon discussion.
…go for the kiss, go for the kiss, be gentle with her, if she turns so as not to kiss,,,,, that means,,,,,,,, we haven’t earned it, or she is not in the mood, or, get lost dad……etc…
Hunter;
My heart really goes out to you. You seem to have had a really bad experience with a girl?
If you feel the kiss is right, go for it. If not don’t. Simple really.
You are thinking too much about it.
Wow, this is a kiss. How long does it take you to decide to move to the next level?
I by NO MEANS am trying to hassle you. I really wish as a woman I could say something to help your obvious frustration.
If I feel the kiss is right? hmmmh,,,you make me smile. Men always feel the kiss is right, just because she wears a new dress, just because she smiles, etc,,,but those are not an invitation for a kiss…men are different,,,,,,,we intellectualize, we don’t “feel”, ,,,,,,,,,myself and many other guys have had a bad experiences,(work with herds of men), but we still like women, so here we are……you sense I am frustrated? Really? huh…
Hunter;
I don’t know how old you are, who you are from Adam but if I were close to where you are, i would come plant the best kiss you have ever had on those lips of yours that would entice you to kiss every set of lips you encountered!
I know too well frustration! I need kissed passionately, hugged until I can’t breath, fondled until I squeal with delight and have my brains totally rearranged by such hard core sex i can’t think straight for a week!!!
Hows that for frustration!!! Fucked up, thats how it is! I am a woman who is in the prime of her fucking stage of life. I know frustration honey—all to damn well.
Do you at all sense I am frustrated? huh—-go figure
Life fucking stinks at this point so cheer up:))) Life also goes on and there HAS TO BE something better around the corner–there just has to be!
…thanks for the kiss……
This is great info to know.