This Guy Irritates Me!
September 25, 2009 
24 Comments
I saw a movie the other night that really irritated me. Actually, the movie didn’t irritate me as much as the lead character did.
That character is the kind of guy who will offer to bring over frozen yogurt to a female friend when she’s had a fight with her boyfriend. He is the guy who is always doing nice things for women, but never seems to be able to get the women.
Let me say first that I am a proponent of doing nice things for women. I make my girlfriend breakfast every single day, and make her dinner most nights. I also run errands for her when necessary. I do that when I’m in a relationship.
When I first meet somebody, I’m not going to go run their errands for them. I’m not going to go bring over ice cream because their cat’s nail fell out.
You’ve got to establish that you’re a man, and not just one of the girls. A problem that so many guys have is ending up in the friend zone. That happens for this very reason.
A woman has something wrong in her life, and all of a sudden you are running over there to bring her chocolate to make her feel better? You don’t want to ever do things like this unless you’re in a relationship with a woman.
As I said, I’m a proponent of doing nice things and I think doing nice things is fantastic. I have found, however, that men who are the “go to” guy for women who are having boyfriend trouble or who breakup with their boyfriend will never be more than a friend . . . ever.
The character in this movie was exactly like that. Every time the boyfriend didn’t show up or the married man the woman was dating did something mean to her, this character would go be with this woman. He’d talk to her. He’d hold her hand. He’d be her friend.
Then he fell in love with her, and told her how much he loved her. Of course, she didn’t love him back. She didn’t see him that way. She saw him as a good friend.
All good relationships of course involve the two people being friends as well as lovers. In the beginning, though, you need to establish the boundary that you are the man. In the beginning of the relationship, you’re not there to satisfy a woman’s every little whim.
If you’ve been just friends with a woman, the reason why you’re just friends with her is because she looks at you like you’re a friend. She only looks at you just like you’re a friend.
Hey David. Ok so my question is, what about those people that have the ‘emotional cheating’ connection? Like you said in the blog a few days ago, the woman breaks up with their current lover and ‘magically’ ends up with that guy ‘friend’ she kept confiding in. Did he have a balanced approach while comforting her? Thanx David.
Yeah right… What was the name of the movie? I’ve seen way more movies than the average person and this does not ring a bell. Give me an actor or a point of reference.
For the women out there reading, don’t confuse nice guys like me with chumps who do this shit. I do nice things for guys and girls because I want to. If that doesn’t seem selfish enough for other people, oh well, guess I’m not like that. But I won’t drop what I’m doing to take care of sick people, or finish someone’s homework, or run errands that the person is more than capable of doing on their own.
Being nice stops being nice when the person thinks they can take advantage of it for their own gain without reciprocating the feeling.
Mike the movie was so bad i could not recall its name.
Unfortunately, this happened to me plenty of times when I was a teenager. Now that im older i can give young dudes my advice on this topic
It’s a problem that has plagued me throughout a lot of my life with women–being the nice guy. It’s made me a great and reliable friend, but a lousy suitor. I’ve only learned in recent years that you have to be nice, but only to a point.
If you are too nice to a woman, she will lose respect for you.
However, what I hate about so much dating advice is that people say women like jerks. Not. The choice is really between strong and weak men. The overly nice guys (like my former self) are viewed as weak. That’s the problem.
This is such a great lesson David. To follow up your point about not doing everything for her, to stay out of the friend zone is this…..What if she’s ASKING for more from you? Yet you’re hardly doing anything for her. I personally think you shouldn’t change a thing. I feel it means your doing exactly what you should be doing, and you should continue doing it that way (at least until your in a relationship as you mentioned). No matter how much you may want to, especially when she asks so nicely, it may actually benefit you to not do it, rather than acually doing it. All situation dependant of course.
David, am i on the right track? The toughest part is that girls have a way of making it sound like if you do things for them, they are going to like you more. Yet that never happens if its too early. Do you think at that moment, they even think they will like you more if you do? I think it would be sweet if you ever did a blog about discrepancies between what they say they want, and when the moment is right there in front of them, what they really want. Such as the “nice guy” theory, ect.
If a women your not in a relationship with asks you “Can you do me a favor and go and get me XYZ”? Tell her, No, your not crippled, you can get it yourself!.
Hey David
this blog is something that I’m struggling with at the moment. iv been friends with this girl for a while now and have always been attracted to her and she broke up with her boyfriend 2 weeks ago and i want to get closer to her but i don’t want to be seen as just a friend. so thanks for the blog hopefully i can get closer to her without losing her respect
Why would there be a difference for when or how much you want to help someone ? If you are helping out of not expecting something in return then this should not be an issue. Yes and we like you are willing to help and even more important that you can figure out what would make us happy without us asking, which makes us feel you are in tune with us.
Nothing bigger a turnoff than some one who does not want to help if you ask for it, or that you are looking for someone to help you and they just don’t pick up on it. When that happens it really makes the person come across as they are clueless and that they are not putting an effort into you.
To Kevin,
<>
Seriously, sometimes when you met a woman, this may happen.
This is a sub conscience test from a women to approve of your dominance as a man. ALL ATTRACTION STEMS BACK TO EVOLUTION! If you do listen to her, and get it for her, YOU FAILED TEST #1. If you respond with the way you have, YOU PASSED!
Peace,
Matt.
I’ve been there and done that. It’s very frustrating when she don’t feel the same.
My co-worker is like this, and he gets the friend’s lane all the time from girls.
A man should not be “friends” with a woman he wants to get with. Either try to date her, or accept/ not accept that she likes you platonically.
Its NEVER true a man “falls” for a woman after knowing her sterling character–men don’t work like that. They know immediately. Then they perpetrate this myth “it just happened”, try to do a 180, guilt her after changing the rules. All the “niceness” was a namby pamby ploy vs being a sincere friend. “The friend zone”–there is no low caste “zone”. Friendship means a lot. Do not negate it. Women treat men as people–how terrible! How mature! Gee, we can relate without our genitals? We should be sexing 24/7 right, with everybody or never befriend a man–he is only a romance object, or we’re “using” him by giving him friendship.
Your rules do not apply to all. If a male friend ever brought chocolate after a break-up, consoled me–I personally would find myself more attracted to him. No man friend did these things–which is fine. I was friends with them for the company and laughs. They appreciated me, but occasionally their ego would burn I was not “into” them even we knew we weren’t right for each other. These resentments dissolved the “friendship”.
Its sad we’re doomed to be alienated– in short relationships or nada, and now we aren’t allowed friendship. I blame the men who whine about ‘friend zone’, for being dishonest about motives. If you lust, do not befriend or be honest from the start.
David was it called My Best Friend’s Girl?
Even so check it out if you don’t know it. I think you will like it. It’s someone like you(in a way) but with a way diferent strategy 
.
And about the post, I’ve been in the friendzone with girls for a long time but I finaly managed to get out. I coudn’t stand it to hear her talk about her boyfriend when I was crazy about her. Sucks…
And here’s the trailer to the movie:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Cr7pcPG8Hc
I bet David and you guys will LOVE IT if you haven’t seen it yet:D
Bit harsh that he irritates you. Shouldn’t you just feel sorry for him?
Too bad you can’t remember the name. Bad movies usually slip under the radar for me. That’s probably why I can’t think of what it is.
Mary,
I completely agree with you.
It’s all about intention. Why not be direct? I’m a proponent of saying what you want right up front. Yes, on the first date–NOT 3 or 4 or 6 months into the thing, when you’re already attached to someone who’s not right for you.
The purpose of a first date is not to GET a second date, but to find out whether you WANT a second date. Is this person relationship material FOR YOU? How do you do you do this? You–man or woman–take the initiative. For example, you say, ” I’m looking for a long term relationship with a woman/man who’s interested in playing/exploring sexually, and who wants to grow and evolve spiritually”–if that’s what you want. Or “I’m interested in getting married, having children in the next 3 years.” Or “Right now I’m looking for a companion–a good friend to travel and hang out with.” Or “I’m looking for a sexual partner and don’t want to settle down with any one person.”
You can follow up by asking, “What are you looking for?”
People are usually horrified when I suggest that they take the initiative in this way. But it takes the pressure off of a first date and sets the tone for any potential relationship. It automatically turns away people who are NOT right for you. The intention is to ask for what you want, and ask your potential partner to do the same.
If a man or woman tells you they are looking for friendship, take them at their word. Especially men. I’ve found out that men usually say exactly what they mean.
Women, if you’re a “Maybe,” say no. Saying “No” gives you the space to come out of the maybe along one side or the other. Saying “Maybe” encourages a guy to hang around and be hopeful. It puts him in a very awkward position. Guys, if a woman is telling you “Maybe,” take it as a “No,” and understand she’s just not confident enough, doesn’t know her own mind, or doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
Men (and women) are self-sorting if you are clear about what you want.
clayhalo
very good comment, iv never thought of doing this, but when i think about it, it would stop so much heart-ache. for example if someone was just looking for fun and the other wants a long relationship, would stop the second person getting hurt if you where upfront from the start and say what you want
thx for the comment
What David is saying, of course, is that Nice Guys Finish Last. I principle I have hewed to, despite criticism. I’m just more politically incorrect in the way I express it, but the concept is the same. David, you did well today.
Yep, I feel you David, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Being stuck in the ‘friendship zone’ sucks!
Kevin, your comment seems a bit harsh. It all depends on context and where the request for favor is coming from.
I hate “hard rules” like the one you made. There are times when it’s OK to help her b/c it’s the socially savvy things to do. There are times when you shouldn’t do it b/c you feel she’s being demanding without reason and she’s doing it b/c she’s lazy.
If a woman asked you “would you please pass me the salt?”, are you really going to say: “no, go get it yourself, you are not crippled?”
Doing favors is all about understanding where you are coming from… and where she’s coming from. Is it convenient for you to do so? Is it normal and polite to do so? If that’s all it is, please help her out.
It’s all about reciprocity too! Does she help you out when you need to? If she does, I see no problem in helping a woman out.
Danny,
Stop being the friend and be true to what you want. Just like Mary implied, if you like a girl, try to date her.
Ask her out on a date. Flirt with her. Look at her like you’d look at a girlfriend. Turn her on!
See how she responds to you being “the man”.
The only thing you shouldn’t do right now is…. DECLARE your love for her. THAT usually doesn’t work. There’s a very specific time only that declaring love to someone works… and that’s when 2 people already love each other secretly and the declaration comes out as a relief for the both of them.
In real life, that doesn’t work. You got to turn her on. You got to make her feel sexy around you. You got to make her feel appreciated BOTH as a friend, and as a woman… from the way you talk to her, the way you listen to her, the way you look at her and the way you touch her.
You can’t really expect most women to understand this concept. The unsuspecting nice guy wants to “be nice” with the hopes of becoming her boyfriend and/or lover but it never fails…when guys want more than that you get the dreaded..”But I don’t feel that way about you, let’s just be friends”. In other words..I need you to be my emotional tampon when things go wrong with the stud boyfriend. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s happened to me too many times. And don’t get me wrong now, I haven’t become the jerk/A-hole that all those pua’s advocate, I’m just more aware.
Yep it happened to me also and i had to understand the hard way that it is not going to work. I wanted that girl so bad that i was doing all kinds of stupid favors for her. And one day she was going to meet that other guy so i called her up just before her date, and i told her something like:”I want us to be more than just friends”(how stupid)And she responded something like “Ouh I do not know what i have done to make you feel that way, i think of you as simply a friend”. I can’t believe how stupid i was. But the strangest thing is that i was almost sure she liked me and maybe that was the case, but the delivery of my feelings was not right. Like what do we expect from a girl by sayng to her ” I love You” what? she will answer” I love you too” then you kiss and have sex. It is stupid to think that this will work and maybe a big misleader are those romantic movies where people are simply good friends and then they become intimate. It simply does not work that way and i was always wondering why do women like that type of movies