I want you to think about this question: How many people are doing things they don’t like in order to meet people?
Some people hate being online, yet they will spend hours on the Internet writing profiles, putting up photos and answering emails all to meet people to whom they are not even attracted. Other people who don’t drink, aren’t “late night people,” and who hate the smell of cigarette smoke will spend weekend night after weekend night in bars.
Why would these people do all this? They do things like this, i.e., things they don’t enjoy, in order to meet someone.
There are a lot of people who have the mentality that the time you spend standing in line at a grocery story is not a good time to talk to someone, because they they think “Well I shouldn’t say anything. I don’t want to bother them.” Somehow, though, they think it’s perfectly okay to “bother” someone who is inside a bar or on the Internet.
For whatever reason, a lot of people think there are only certain places at which it is acceptable to try and meet someone. People are so afraid to think outside the box.
One problem with this mindset, is that the “conventional places” to meet someone — like the bar and the Internet — are really the least favorable places to meet people. You have to weed through SO many people to find a gem on the Internet, and don’t get me started about the issues with meeting people in bars.
Everyone wants to meet somebody. We are born and put on this Earth to love. In order to find love, though, you have to meet a lot of people.
You have to be meeting three to five people every day, since (as I’ve said countless times before) about 80% of the people you meet are people with with whom you will have no romantic chemistry. To find that 20%, i.e., those real connections with someone, you have to do the work.
Once again I can’t argue with the big man. Sparking conversations in the last place people expect shows great confidence. Also spending time doing things you don’t like will have a negative effect on the vibe you emit… you’ll go into predator mode.
If you’re having fun, women can see that. And when you’re having a good time, it’s much easier to talk to people. It’s worth finding an activity you like which allows you to meet people. Over time you will become more comfortable within that environment and that confidence will be visible to everyone around you.
For example David’s previously mentioned Cooking classes, Yoga & Pilates – full of women and actually very interesting activities for men too. If you take up a cooking class, after a few months you’ll be one of the best cooks in the class, which would be an attractive trait. And when you meet a woman you like who sees how well you can cook, you can ask her to come over for tea. And it will be easy as you will have already built up rapport with her during the class.
All good points David.
But I have a question about those online dating sites like Match.com & Yahoo Personals etc.
I’ve been thinking about those 2 in particular and filling out a profile, uploading a few pics and sending out a few messages. Well, actually I’m already in the early stages at one of those sites but haven’t gotten to looking through pics of me and uploading the best. I’ve just been browsing to see if there are any who interest me. I’ve found some who are attractive and look like they have good potential. And then…there are the others.
I’ve already gotten a few messages from women who have no pics on their profile either and a few that do. The few that do are what you would call RFTH(Run For The Hills). So here’s my etiquette question David, Kim, Kimberly & Jacob:
Am I obligated out of courtesy to respond to those women with a nice, polite message indicating in a round about way that I’m not interested, or just ignore them altogether? Honestly, that’s what I’d rather do.
I mean seriously, would you want to go out with some woman who looks like the circus fat lady and the circus tattooed lady all in one person? Some of those women that you see on those sites, I mean YIKES!!! They look like a mad scientist’s experiment that failed! Sorry to be so cruel here, but some of those women are NOT going to be getting any dates!!
Sorry, I meant Kheim. I need to proofread more carefully.
True, but I also think it’s possible to grow to like something new. Four years ago all I truly enjoyed doing was sitting around the house watching tv. I’d never been to a dance club before going there to meet girls, but now I’d probably go to one even if I wasn’t planning on socializing. And I don’t even mind the smoke anymore.
I like to go shopping and talking to people that I know…Or just talking to them via yahoo messenger or just sitting at home listening to my baby girls fuss at a video game then when I go see my favorite guy now I call that fun.
Another great post, David!
My problem is I spend too much time online doing things I like (including tweaking my online profiles)… and not enough doing my job. Such as reading this blog, which I’m about to remove from my RSS reader
Hey D;
Ya gotta do what ya gotta do, but even though you’ve deleted this blog from your reader, it wouldn’t hurt to come back & visit now & then cause there’s a wealth of information here.
But I know what you mean. I spend too much time online too. More time away from our computers will do us all good. That’s what DW wants us to do anyway; go out & meet more new people. Which is what I’m about to do now.
I find the most important part is not where you connect or meet others, it got more to do with your state of your mind. If you are relaxed and gives energy out of love of life, you will attract others.
Yes Tony that was a bit harsh. These are someone for everyone. Don’t be so judgmental, just by having those thought you give out the wrong energy. That’s the one thing I will guarantee you we girls senses those things. Next time you will be in public and those thoughts will go through your head and you will give away a negative vibe that will be a turnoff.
Personally I think the right thing would be to to respond to those as you would in person if someone approaches you and you try to tell them you are not interested. In my opinion the biggest danger with the internet net is people forget to have in person manners and end up quite rude.
All this is good to read and theres some good advice in here.
But the problem is, how do you get the confidence to just talk to people you dont know?
I never know what to say, or if the conversation sort of dies, you feel awkward…
Advice for that without having to pay a huge sum of money ?
Hey Dan,
It’s the same way you gain confidence in anything else in life, experience.
David’s mastery series covers how to start conversations naturally.
You could start off making comments on things in your environment that is obviously affecting the person you want to talk to. Think about what is probably going through their head.. and make a comment about how it affects you or them. Eg if your bus is late: “tell me, is this bus always late?”. The first part will grab her attention so when the question comes, she’s listening. Strong eye contact and a smile will play a bit part in getting a good response.
She may reply, she may not. If she does, you’ll get a slight insight into her life. Eg she may say “Nearly always!”. In which case (if you look for the meaning behind what she’s saying) she’s telling you that she gets that particular bus regularly, and is frustrated with it. Which gives you major ammunition Dan! You can go in several directions.
Generally sharing something about you first will make her more likely to open up. Eg “I’m catching this bus today because … (tell her a brief story perhaps).
You can ask why she gets this bus – which will lead to her telling you what she does on a day-to-day basis. This open-ended question is better than “Where are you going today” – which will get a one-word answer and reveal nothing about her.
She may tell you where she works, what she does. Pick one of those and go deeper, eg you could ask her what inspired her to get into that line of work. And once again look for the meaning behind what she says. If she says “Well I chose to work at the zoo because I love animals” – what is the meaning here? She may be a caring person. Let her know you have picked up on this and you like that about her, eg “Oh really? So you must be a very caring person… I like that in a girl”. Then you may want to just chat about what it is you do, how much you like it, what aspirations you have and just let the conversation flow.
Tony–Marina has some good advice about your etiquette question. I would add that some people just don’t respond at all and that’s ok too. Online dating is a numbers game and most people expect a lack of responses in the process. But a general rule of thumb would be treat others as you’d want to be treated:)
Justin..great comprehensive answer to Dan’s question. You must have taken our boot camp:) Actually, during the boot camps and in our community site’s teleconferences we practice conversation starters and you learn how to keep it going too. A great exercise we do is what Justin was referring to about storytelling. Practice telling stories about your life in an interesting and detailed way to really intrigue someone’s interest in you.
Tony,
You don’t have to reply to all the emails you get from online women but… you could use these as opportunities to challenge them back in showing who they truly are.
If they are up for the challenge, who knows… they might be worth meeting and dating.
Thanks for the advice, just wish i could have more advice like that….i dont have the spare money to pay for the mastery series so….
Anyway thanks for the advice Justin.