The Truth About Rejection
April 15, 2009 
122 Comments
A lot of people use the word “rejection” over and over again in their lives. My belief, however, is that there is no such thing as rejection.
If another person doesn’t choose to be with you, they are not rejecting you. They are choosing to go in another direction.
There may not be enough chemistry between the two of you. There may not be that connection there. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t mean that you are not a fantastic, wonderful and incredible person.
Here’s an email a client of mine recently sent me talking about how he’s been feeling a lot of rejection lately:
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Client Email
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“David, This is something I’ve been dealing with recently (and very poorly, since I’m overwhelmed and miserable from getting turned down by someone who I thought was showing me a lot of signs of romantic interest [buying me a couple little gifts, taking me on a scenic drive around town, asking my advice on a couple personal topics].) But it turned out, when I tried to kiss her after a great night out of dinner and dancing, that she had none of these romantic/sexual intentions in mind. There could be dozens of reasons why she dissed me (bad approach? too slow? not showing enough confidence in my pursuit of her? is she being fickle?), but after spending the last six weeks obsessing over her in my own mind and pretty much falling in love with her (as crazy as that seems), I’m inconsolable. How do you suggest rebounding from this sort of disappointment when you’ve thrown so much of your heart and your emotions at someone, only to see it fall flat?”
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My Response To Client’s Email
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“Think about this. What was happening is that you fell in love with the fantasy of this woman. When you get to know a woman in the first week or you’ve gone out with her maybe once or twice, you are falling in love with the idea of her. The question is when are you going to go in, and are you going in with the intention of kissing her? If she does not want to kiss you, it is not the way you kiss or the way you went in. It is that she just is not feeling the chemistry, and you were not reading it because you were so in your head. David”
Just like with my client, a lot of guys that I have met are just so in their head it’s incredible. They are in their heads in such a ridiculous way, that what they are perceiving as chemistry is not chemistry at all.
Rejection is something that a lot of people take really hard. Rejection is a lot of things to a lot of different people.
I have decided in my life that I don’t believe in rejection. I don’t buy into rejection, nor do I believe that it even exists.
If someone chooses not to be with me, they are not rejecting me. They are just not feeling the chemistry with me. They are just not feeling the same things I think I may be feeling.
Ever since I’ve adopted this mindset in my life and really explored this part of my life, I have found that I live a rejection-free life because I am really happy with who I am as a person. I am really content with who I am. I think I am an amazing person.
If someone chooses not to participate in a friendship or a love relationship with me, that’s fine because I will keep moving forward and find the person with whom I’m meant to be.
As a matter of fact, that’s exactly what I’ve done in my own personal life. That’s why I now have such a great, loving, and amazing relationship with my girlfriend.
This is something you need to think about. Think outside the box a little bit, and stop taking what you think of as “rejection” so personally. Start realizing that chemistry has a great deal to do with whether you will connect with someone, and consider taking “rejection” out of your dating vocabulary.
I am going to end this with another great email from a past client.
Hey Dave,
“An invaluable lesson i picked up from that weekend with you and Kheim last March was letting go of myself and allowing myself to not only appreciate, but help create the present for all its beauty. Whenever I get caught up with the “imminent concerns” confronting me and catch myself preoccupying myself with internal thoughts, I read this. Maybe it will help one of your students some day.”
-Mike
As we grow up, we learn that the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You will break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.
In today’s podcast, I go more in depth into the subject of rejection and tell you more about how to cope with rejection. If you thought my statement that rejection doesn’t exist was incredible, then you don’t want to miss what else I have to say on this subject:
Hi David,
again, you have are so right! I would add that “If someone chooses not to be with me, they are not rejecting me. They are just not feeling the chemistry with me NOW.” Because feelings and chemistry might change over time.
Problem is that I know all this, but still feel rejected from time to time.
Well, practice makes perfect.
Hey David,
Great podcast. I especially like the last part. Amazing how we just throw life away, being unhappy for minutes, hours, days or even years.
Have a good one.
Love,
Raj
That was an awesome blog today, David! That might be one of your best ones. Now if only we can all put that into practice and not let some person bring us down just because they do not feel the same way we do or perhaps they choose someone else over us, life would be good! For me personally, I have been working on that, and I think I am making good progress as well. I find it helps to be doing things that I enjoy doing besides dating and that is productive in dealing with rejection. Have a great Wednesday everyone!
David
A great podcast. There is so much truth here. People just need to let go, because we’re not going to be able to win them all.
I did this just a couple of months ago and hearing “you probably missed the girl you might’ve met that day”
is sooo right! I was down for a whole weekend and probably could’ve met someone but was concerned about “nothing”… Life is too short.. just gotta grab your balls and go for it!
peace and respect!
David
Glad that you enjoyed it. Really in life there is no such thing as rejection only death and taxes!!!!
I do not like April 15th one bit:)
Jason
Pass the podcast on to others who may need it!!
We all need to understand this simple yet powerful concept.
MAs
So true when you spend the whole weekend pining over something that was never there you miss moments.
I think the gentleman’s mistake was what he said himself and that is that he put too much of his heart and his emotions into one girl. I am sure that she likes him otherwise she wouldn’t have spent all that quality time with him. Maybe he came across as too needy and that is why she backed off. Or perhaps she just wanted to be a really cool friend and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you both are on the same page. I wish I had a couple of girl friends like that that I could do those kinds of things with and not necessarily be intimate with. Besides she may have a hot girlfriend that she could hook him up with if he can just keep his head together. Personally since I am not dating anyone exclusively right now I choose to have several prospects on my radar at a time and if one is worthy to take to a higher level and I feel she wants it too then I go for it. If my move “falls flat” then I don’t take it so hard because there are always more than one I am considering. If it does fall flat I try to back off and maintain what we have so that maybe I can try again later. I am learning that rejection sometimes really means “maybe but not yet, warm me up a little more to the idea” and we as goofballs blow it at that moment by feeling rejected and acting stupid when if we had handled it with finesse we would in time get the prize. And of course hanging with this community of guys helping each other out and seeking help with these matters is also a great help.
Man i can not begin to tell you how much rejection hurts!!! This podcast will be played in my car over and over again.
The only thing is death and taxes, eh? That’s funny! I bet you do hate April 15 since Uncle Sam’s knocking on the door that day. If only we could “go into a different direction” without any consequences, life would be good. Then again, we would not be doing our civic duty.
David
I am really thankful for todays blog and podcast.
I have always felt like i was being rejected.
I am going to order the mens mastery series right now.
Thanks
Kick ass podcast today David!!!!
Wow…..I am that guy who walks around full of rejection all the time. I always beat myself up and miss all the opportunities.
Wow what a kick in my you know what.
David I used to be a big Mystery method guy and since I found you i no longer act like a trained robot.
You been an inspiration to me and i really enjoy Yakub as well.
James
Thanks for the great post!!
I know Yakub is smiling right now!!
Tenrt
The mens mastery series will really help you out and i just added a new 90 minute addition. Its all about validation and confirmation and it really is a great addition to the mastery series.
David
Uncle Sam is not a uncle that i want to hang with. I never invited him over yet he still finds a way to visit:)
Jimmy
Great idea listen to this until you actually believe it!
Just a post script to my last post. I am sitting here thinking about it and you know what? I think what has made a big difference to me in how I handle rejection is exactly that ” how I handle it and my attitude towards it” If you are like me what you think about so much and what makes you feel so bad is thinking about what you did and how you responded to being turned down and not so much the turndown itself. How I behaved when I was turned down is what I beat myself up for so bad. So it has been a great help for me to start cultivating new skills in how to act and how to handle a turn down with class and then I am OK and ready to keep going…….Just a thought. What do you think?
I never had this feeling before, but having been the most unstable in my life I am seeing how easy this takes the better of you. I am also seeing how powerful it is and how it leaves you with no air in your lungs.
I am getting back to myself and again I see clearly how rejection has nothing to do with myself. Most of us know this is true, but those times where we are not quite in contact with ourselves, we are most vounerable to all kind of self “destructive” feelings.
I am even more grateful of my inner self now, than ever before I will do my best to never take it for granted again. I feel humble that I again have this great energy inside myself. I am so close to being back where I am in a state of flow where just enjoy each moment to it’s fullest.
Being a mom, Just to write this in a quiet moment without 3 nutty kids is indeed something to enjoy…Oh, spoke too soon…another meltdown…(-:
Love today’s blog David! Death and taxes indeed.
David,
Am I loosing it, but which program is this a part of.
<<>>
I love what you said in the podcast today…..some will, some won’t….SO WHAT!
I want to add too David, that rejection means that the other party doesn’t desire you at that moment. It doesn’t mean that they wont desire you in future moments. So everyone, be present and focused. Enjoy THE NOW! Great things will follow suit!
hey if a guy don’t get the number, he is getting rejected, that’s why it’s important to get as many numbers during the day or night, so you can more women to play with, its about the number game.
When I was a senior in high school and feeling terrible about being rejected by a girl, I saw the movie Adaptation. There’s a scene in it that made a lot of sense to me at the time:
Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.
Donald Kaufman: I remember that.
Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn’t know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.
Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?
Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn’t have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That’s what I decided a long time ago.
Donald Kaufman: Whats up?
Charlie Kaufman: Thank you.
Donald Kaufman: For what?
Howepua-
are you out of your mind man, its not what david teaches or his coaches. tell me something I bet you always go up to girls just to get in her pants, and her numbers, does that work out for you well.
Leonard, why are you getting so mad at me man, i get numbers and i get laid simple as that. how about you do you get numbers, are you getting laid?!!!!
Howe- i am not getting mad, i am just telling you like it is man.
i understand that you are a pickup artist, are you’re getting numbers, and banging some women for a one night, is that what you think its all about? is that why everyone in here come here for?
i don’t fuckin thing so!
next time think beforeee you begin to speak man!
Leo- i am not happy all the times, but when i get laid, it does make me happy. i think you need some stress relief- i don’t care what anyone say if you don’t get her number you are not gonna get laid!
you are chasing pussy every time, real attractive women that i date, don’t want a guy like you, because you’re a pussy chaser, women don’t like pussy chasers, they want a real fuckin man~!!
i want to hear from all the women what they think….
comeon now grow up howe:)
Leo be honest how many numbers you got this week?
man when i go meet a woman- i don’t think about the numbers, i think about building connection, which learned from the MMS.
I don’t just want to get any pussy like you, I am about attracting quality women to my life!!!
i am curious how many numbers you got?
Who cares….
let Howepua run his great little phone number trick…He is really hurting himself in the long run…but then again there are men and women for that matter where all they want is to get laid.
It’s guys like that who stops here and take a second look at what David talks about that might learn something new about themselves…
Howepua just be honest with the girls…that’s all…it’s not the amount of numbers but the right ones…quality over quantity
I get plenty of numbers, and fuck the quality woman, i am just pumpin and dumpin whatever i could find man so I can get lot of experience.
Marina- you are my girl
i try to not lie with these woman, but i want to improve my success with women more. I feel like I am not getting as much action as any man my age should do.
omg…..so Marina is your girl now howe:)
I am curious….how old are you?
what the fcuk you mean that you don’t try to lie, i am calling you on your shit if no one here does, you are just treating women like sexual object, i really believe that is not this blog is all about!!!!!!
it is also the reason you are not happy, and you are always that pua that is hunting for women everyday, i think its very scary thing
Ok i see that I am missing something here……..Howie are you ever happy unless you get laid?
Howie
Do you judge your success with women by the amount of phone numbers you get?
Life is not about quantity but quality.
You sound really young in your mind but how you convey yourself. I have no issues with whatever part of life you are in but if is is just abut sex then be honest about it.
I was all about sex certain times in my life and i think i masked it as well.
Noah
How do you really feel:)
Marina
Very true.
Howie you need to listen to what MArina says.
Just be honest and you will get a lot more.
And when i learned that the sex actually became amazing becuase the women did not feel like they were being scammed.
Leonard,
Look at the bright side its guys like that, who makes the rest of you look good.
Howe
Don’t just try not to lie-as long as the girl wants the same like you, i dont care how many you sleep with. Honesty is above anything else, if not you are just another sleazy con artist.
Personally i think more of sex….ah then again maybe not.;)
Howepua……you say your not getting as much action as any man your age should do?? Just curious what is your age??? 16?
Because thats what you sound like….it’s all good if thats what YOU wanna do…get laid….but be honest about it….Leo is right…quality woman don’t like boys who just jump in &out of the sack with whom ever…..that just seems dirty.
Just sayin….
Marina is right……guys like that make the rest of you look good! So true.
Here we go again with the EGO thing….Howepua should of been on that blog…..
Where is Sandra when we need her?
so true Marina and Roxyd!
its guys like that makes rest of us look so much better.
to be honest you know howe i used to be just like you until I came across David’s materials, its organic and it made me so much happier.
So i really hate it when a guy don’t get it, i see my past self in you, its painful, to see a guy who thinks its all about the pussy, which is why you are not able to grow, and find that balance in your life Howe.
Your ego will drive you insane……..
Roxyd- i am not 16, i am 27, matter fact just turned 27!
David- i will be honest man i have some really bad down times and i try to not let the rejection get me, but when i don’t get sex from woman i desire, i do feel bad like everyone else.
sometimes i do judge myself around the numbers David, and i have been doing that for some years i noticed. How do you get yourself to not be judgemental on number games?
I try to be honest, but sometimes i feel like if i am too honest, she might not commit into sex, so i don’t share too much about me, and try to escalate physically.
howepua,
Uh thats a really tough one…..this is a wild guess….hmmm maybe stop thinking in numbers…start thinking in true connections.
Listen to leonard and David they both were where you are at now.
I am just curious……I have checked back on this blog periodically during the day and it looks like it has been reduced to a little boy bitch session. No offense intended. Since the topic is on handling rejection I would like to hear other peoples strategies on how they handle rejection when approaching so they can exit unscathed. I think that there is really something to my point about the fact that we work so hard to approach and not be rejected because it is the rejection that we fear so much. We go all the way around the world to avoid the thing that hurts us the most when we should spend time on what the problem really is. I want to learn how to dodge the arrows and move forward or be able to retreat with dignity and my self esteem intact so I can fight another day. And more importantly I want to retreat from a woman leaving her with the impression that I left as a man worthy of another approach another day and not like a puppy with his tail between his legs. Whenever I pull it off I leave feeling stronger for it and I don’t leave feeling rejected or down on myself and it is a skill that can be learned I just have never seen it directly addressed skillfully.
Howie….Ok ok….27….I get it….but David & Leonard have been where you are (along with many many others)…..Sex is great…..but it is also better when a deep connection/relationship is in place…and maybe you just havent had that yet, so go out & get your numbers!! And one day maybe one of the numbers will make you toss all the others out!! LOL………
Dont let it get you down when your not getting as many as you should…..everyone goes through a dry spell….use that time to focus on YOU & making you the best you can be for the next “number” that you get!!
Jim…….you guys all seem to be talking about approaching a woman and being rejected?? You shouldnt feel hurt over that?? It’s like sales….you have to knock on 100 doors to get one YES??? Maybe thats where howie is coming from??
What about when your in a relationship with someone and later on into the relationship….they just decide to smooth out?? With no reason?? thats when rejection makes you reflect on what happened?? And is more painful……
Sure I get that but you wont make many sales if you just walk up and say ” Do you want to buy my widget?” and then when they say no you say” Oh….Uh, sorry I bothered you” in a wimpy voice and walk off. Man that makes you feel like shit and just acting like you don’t give a shit doesn’t really help. If you approach enough people with your widget you will find a few that will buy. Relating that to meeting women typically the ones that just buy right off the bat are not women that I am usually interested in in the first place. The three “SWs” is great for that kind. The kind of women that I am interested in are typically pretty spunky and they will test you and reject you and shoot you down over and over before they open up. A lot of the little test I am learning to handle pretty well because I can frame it so that I am not committed either way. I have a lot to learn even there but I am getting there through experience. I just wish I had a lot of ideas on how to retreat with style when I am shot down cold like you can find ideas on how to move forward. Do you see what I am saying? There is tons of stuff on what to do when something works to do next but not enough on what to do when it doesn’t work. Verbal sparring skills if you will. And then looking at a higher level also how to handle rejection with class when you are at a point when the cat is really out of the bag and you open up with a women that you like and you get shot down. That’s when it hurts!!!
Jim
Why not just smile walk away and say it was nice meeting you?
Why do you feel the need to have to try to turn them around or the need to handle rejection at a higher level?
I just feel that you get too caught up in trying to make things work that do not work.
I walk away and just do not care. Do you realize that 99% of the people you meet in life will be total strangers again right when you walk away.
It really is all mindset.
Jim
I meet women all the time that are spunky and dont ever look at them testing me. I just do not speak in those terms.
I lead the conversation and am always confident. If you think someone is testing you then in reality they are really not buying you.
Think about that…..do you have my mens mastery series?
Ok I guess I am talking about two different things. The higher level thing forget that. Thanks to you and others I am having so much more success with women than I ever have. What I am learning is that in the past I have settled for women that were easy catches and that never was satisfying over time. I am learning however that there are so many very nice and higher quality women that I could have dated in the past but I didn’t know how to handle them. I was weak and gave up to easy. I’m not talking about women that are not attracted to me I am talking about women that are attracted to me but I was too dumb to see it and I set my sights too low. You see, smiling and walking away and saying nice to meet you is a great idea and in the right situations would be the perfect thing to do and I get your context. It’s different now I am dating two high quality women now and I am always meeting new ones and slowly warming them up. It just takes me time. Sometimes I have to know them for several weeks and some I have known for a couple of months or more before they are ready for me. A lot of it is me because I don’t just want to go out with anybody. I have to admit that I am the one doing a lot of the testing and yes they test me too. I think the challenge is maintaining attraction and sexual tension over time. Before things usually happened pretty quick. Too quick…..That’s the difference!!! Maybe I am ready for the mastery series I will consider it.
Jim
Setting your sights higher is great bit if you are dating two, as you put if high quality women…really not a move up…one at a time;)
That is my goal but if you have been hurt like I have it is a slow process. They know we are not exclusive.
Sorry guys missed out on this conversation:
Howie
Be yourself it costs nothing…It is your business how many phone numbers in your little black book…
I have a question for you guys that think you are the cock of the walk God’s gift to Women:
Name me one male species that does not think about sex?
Don’t feel bad I get off the blog track myself…but when I have been let down by someone I think of it like this maybe there was some reason why they did not do it at the time…Life is full of surprises but at least you can be their friend and still talk to them…
Leonard
How many pick up lines have you used in your lifetime I bet you could not count how about matching up with those trophies on that shelf of yours…
Marina
I agree with you but don’t give up speak to you in email…
Jim
Ok, just checking…honesty police is off duty for the night. (-;
As Mike said, its important to let go and just be in the moment. Its something I’ve been working on. On days that I truly work on that, as soon as I think something, want to do something, I say it or do it. I may hesitate for one second but once I realize I’m thinking about it instead of doing, I make it assertive instead of passive. Most of my life, I never really did what I want, even the simplest stuff because I was scared and then I’d think, why didn’t I do this or that. Why did I make such big deals about some decision that is not going to kill me. Its just a choice. So, just do it.
As for rejection, I’ve never been rejected directly. I’m a girl. I reject guys or don’t show interest. I don’t ask guys out, I think thats sort of not right. For example, as a female, you want to know that the guy is interested enough to want to ask you out, and to have the courage to do so.
I’ve had my share of passive admiration from afar or as friends only and not doing anything about it. I think the most I would go is just show that I’m really interested and if he’s scared of rejection, he needs to work that out. If I like him enough, I’ll flirt and tease dating him and even lead him. But in the end, he needs to make the decision.
Thats just how I feel.
wowwwww…..look at what is going on here!
howe- Everyone in this blog wants help you, it’s never about the amount of numbers you get, it’s all about the pursuit of happiness man!
Listen to- Leonard, Marina, Sandra, David and pretty much everyone here has great advice to share with you!
Marina
Ha ha…..If you put it all together you get my drift. That’s what I meant earlier about a higher level. It is all fun and playful now but with an ultimate goal of finding “the one”. Rejection at this point is not a big deal but when I meet who I think is “the one” then I hope I am ready. Getting rejected then would really suck!!!
Sandra
Name me one female species that doesn’t think about sex…..As if:)
Kismet
I have a question for you. If a guy advances on you and you reject him is there anything he can do that will impress you to where you think that he handled it well and leave you open to maybe another advance from him in the future? Or if not another advance at least to where you have more respect for him in how he handled it?
Jim
I am going to play but in ski…It depends on the woman…If she is interested she may want another chance but it depends on the situation…Me I would probably give the guy another chance but still it depends on the situation…Oh I can not look at the computer screen too long for it hurts my eyes…
OK, maybe this is just a chick question but I’d sure like to know what client #1 did in terms of talking with that woman after the “spurned” lip-lock. Maybe she wanted to take a long time to get to know the guy – actually explore her options without committing herself which, let’s be honest, a kiss can often be the start of. Did they just go their separate ways and chuck all of that fun? What a shame and a loss for both of them – particularly if there was still a shot at something more in the future – or even more of the same. Whatever happened to actually communicating?
I’ll think about that
That’s my question K most guys freak at that point and blow their whole game. She had to like him. He must of have wimped out and come on too needy or something. Maybe he had really bad breath:(………See I want to know how to handle situations like that so that a women still has respect for me when I get shot down like that so that I can maintain the relationship or leave it with dignity and my self esteem intact so I don’t go thru the “I got rejected poor me” feeling.
He obviously is an emotional vampire and she just figured it out
Hey guys guess what?! It’s my birthday and I’m broke ! Man! am i boooorred. I digress now.
I’ve been rejected recently, the judge said the district attorney did not file charges. So yes there is rejection.
It’s not because we didn’t have chemistry its because my urine test was clean. Shoot! Im regressing.
I still have a hard time with “rejection” because I’m not sure I’m worthy of the girl I want. I reject myself, because there are things Im still developing and working out of my character and lifestyle. I feel its also due to a ugly fallout with a girl that was what i thought i wanted but she wasnt looking for love. Made me question myself. Its silly because David and the team has equipped me to attract girls but they don’t fit the criteria of my list. I guess i need to remodify my list or keep hoping I find that diamond in the ruff. I know that i should just be more open
,but
David says never to settle if youre not happy. Man I’m tumbleweed.
Happy birthday
but what is exactly self love ??? coz David mention that if u really love yourself… but what is self love ? Its hard to understand, coz its hard to understand love in general.
Jim – maybe SHE had the bad breath and/or ran out of breath mints! Remember the guy on this blog a while back who said that a new friend that he was hanging out with said point blank that she had eaten something with a lot of garlic and didn’t want to gross him out! Who knows? It could be…
Personally, I think that if this guy has been hanging with her for some time but it hasn’t been romantic, he probably shouldn’t have gone for the kiss without some warning – leaving her with an out, just in case, as well as himself. And it STILL doesn’t mean that nothing could happen in the future! Maybe I’m an eternal optimist but I have seen people hook up after knowing each other for YEARS with zero romance up until that point. If I had been the guy, I would have asked if it would make her uncomfortable if I kissed her because it was such a fun night and not been betting my heart on a “yes.” We just don’t seem to be able to cut each other much slack in this day and age.
And Taz – nothing ventured, nothing gained! Keep getting out there – you ARE worthy…but you may just not be reading the signals correctly. In that case, just consider every woman a potential connection, even if it’s only to connect to still ANOTHER woman!
Oh Happy B day to u Jamie I hope all is well!
Jim
If we were in the animals such as dogs or cats etc…then the males is shit out of luck…a short story my mom has three cats two are females and been fixed one was a male cat and he kept thinking that he was going to get lucky oh no slap across the face with the claws…But you have a point there can not think of any….
I am thankful God made me human though….It is strange though animals are smarter than humans but women do rule when it comes to sex because we can actually get pregnant but if me I am going through that period in my life well who knows….
Maxx – do you even like yourself? We usually don’t think about things like that because western society makes fun of that sort of self-reflection and discourages it. Think about your good points – positive attributes – things for which your friends and family always say about you with appreciation or admiration. Do you like those things in yourself? In others?
Jim:
“I have a question for you. If a guy advances on you and you reject him is there anything he can do that will impress you to where you think that he handled it well and leave you open to maybe another advance from him in the future? Or if not another advance at least to where you have more respect for him in how he handled it?”
Well, he shouldn’t have to try to impress me in the first place. He should be real. It depends if I’m attracted to him or not, really. If there’s a hint of attraction but not enough at the time, and he comes back later “new and improved/better” then maybe. If he handles rejection well then I respect him, its just natural.
—
A kiss sometimes determines whether you are truly attracted with chemistry and like, or just like but not enough.
Sad as it is, I was never really into the kisses my ex and I had. I’m a young person after all, and he was my first bf. Although we really got along with flirting and teasing, I just never felt anything. I always pulled away. Idky.
After my wife left me for some other guy I moped for about a month or two even though I knew we wouldn’t be getting back together (this was the 2nd time this had happened and I knew there was no going back this time). I finally got ecstatic when I realized what a favor she had done me-why would I want to go through life with someone who didn’t want to be with me? So they aren’t rejecting you, they are doing you a favor and sending you back out among the many thousands of possibilities out there to find someone who does want to be with you.
David,
Great podcast by the way. Short, sweet and right to the point.
How do I really feel? Like most, I don’t enjoy being rejected, but I also realize I have options – in terms of women, in terms of a lot of things– so rejection doesn’t hurt as much. I have something in my back pocket to rely on in case things don’t work out. It’s like insurance. I also think this allows me to have healthier relationships because I’m less clingy.
Then again, it may also prevent me from putting myself out there completely. Really putting myself on the line with my emotions. But I don’t really know how to do that without being scared.
I also just try not to take rejection personally — but it’s a lot easier to do when you don’t really care about the person in the first place. You can always justify it to yourself some way, “I wasn’t that into her,” “she wasn’t that good looking’…. but that’s just the ego trying to protect itself.
I guess my worst nightmare is being rejected by the girl who I absolutely have fallen for… even though rationally I know there’s probably a lot of girls out there for me. It’s like, I figure that could never happen if we connect so well…
Divorce scares me. That’s the ultimate rejection. I never want that to happen to me.
-Noah
I believe in marriage but I think that it should be preceded by a prenuptial agreement to avoid either party being screwed financially. Financial advisors say that anyone who owns property, stocks, a business (in whole or in part) or has children should have one, just in case, period.
In addition, I think that people should have to renew their marriage contract yearly – not to be unromantic or even paranoid but because we tend to change partners, jobs, goals, and hopefully our attitudes with more time and experience. America didn’t end up with a 50% plus divorce rate for nothing – we choose many things poorly and finding balance in life, much less a relationship, is not something that most of us are taught in this country.
Communications is also not a real skill that we are taught in terms of relationships – we only get the view of how to finesse our way into a job or into the right school or even how to get laid (for some people), but being truly open and receptive to others is often something that most of don’t learn until later in life. What a shame – all of those lost opportunities!
Hey Jim
I have really enjoyed reading all your posts today. We have the same name but i used be just like you.
You have limiting beliefs and i was the same. I have been a David guy for a long time and now I am in really healthy relationship with an amazing woman,
I was a mess like you but i took the plunge last year and bought Davids Mastery series and it changed my entire mindset on how i look at life and how I percieve my vlaue to women,
I was a blog reader but knew that i needed to dive deeper into my core and really get real with myself.
It was the best investment i ever made. I still read the blog everyday and use all the skills david teaches in all aspects of my life from work to how i communicate with my girlfriend.
Get the mastery series Jim it will help you redefine yourself in the world of dating and romance
Jim – It’s good to see that you are re-framing the experience, but try this one: Look upon it as an exercise in “Catch-and-Release” and give your ex some slack for practicing good wildlife management! She’s letting other women have a chance with you – all the better for the rest of us who appreciate having more guys out there to meet! I said the same thing after cutting the ex-bf loose – I was engaging in good “green” practices and recycling him back into the dating pool. With a little thought, you can find the best of things in even the most hurtful of scenarios.
Noah – there are plenty of things that are worse than divorce – ask anyone who has experienced mistreatment of any kind – mental, emotional, or even physical. It’s not just about having a connection with someone but about exploring that connection over time. You don’t have to bet the farm in order to pursue the possibilities with someone, nor do you have to be afraid of putting yourself out there…just be open to the experience every time that you are with someone. See where it leads you!
wow, lots of great posts here!
David,
how can you find out if a girl likes you or if they just like you as a friend? do you just see what develops naturally? also, some here have stated that you can eventually turn a woman around into liking you, or that at some point a girl ‘friend’ will be romantically interested in you. do you think that is true?
Jimmy,
You have the right idea here…Play this again and again in your car and the deeper understanding will then sink into your subconcious and then your habbits will change, which then change your behaviour which of course then change your results. When people learn a little they change a little but when you amerse yourself in this knowledge then the ‘change’ becomes a ‘transformation’….great attitude, keep it up.
Logically, rejection is positive, because your investment* for the loss is as low as possible.
It gets negetive when you start thinking about it, making the investment bigger.
*time&enegry
Sandra- i sued wayyyyyyyy to many, and it made crash and burn, but i am so glad that now I am over that phase of my life!
HAPPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE!
For the guy who asked the rejection question in the email, I would love to ask him how did he go about the kiss? A lot of times, the woman doesn’t necessarily reject the guy… sometimes she just rejects timing.
Maybe he went in for the kiss in an awkward way. So for example, if he lunges into a kiss, her immediate reaction would be to step back and avoid him.
But sometimes, she may say no to a kiss because it’s not the right time. Sometimes, all she wants to say is “not yet”.
Remember that life is about perception. If someone seems to be “rejecting” you, it’s usually that she’s rejecting the perception of you. So try to be aware of what you project. What perception of yourself are you conveying out… is that image of yourself intriguing, fascinating, inspiring and beautiful?
Howepua,
I’m glad you are learning to get better with women but gauging your success on numbers is a form of external validation. Until you stop gauging your worth by how many women accept you or sleep with you, you’ll never be truly happy.
You have to learn to believe in yourself and accept how great you are regardless of how many women you bed. And as funny as it sounds, once you do, you’ll probably get even more success with women.
Also, you should not be afraid of being real with a woman. In one of your comment, you said you didn’t want to share yourself as much unless the girl commits to sex with you. That’s a really bad belief to have.
You should be proud to share as much of yourself as you want to ANYONE. Once you do, people will only get to like and respect you more… which in turns makes you even more attractive.
Interesting blog today. I always hate when a guy I’m friends with asks me out b/c if I’m not interested, the guy typically gets the angry/mad/hurt ego, and then I lose someone I really liked and had fun with as a friend. (I don’t ever intentionally give mixed signals.) The classiest guy I’ve ever known and is still a great friend, had asked me out, and I didn’t feel romantic chemistry (which didn’t take away from me thinking he’s an amazing, fun, smart, great guy who will make the right girl very happy) handled it in such a great way that my respect for him just grew exponentially and I learned a lot about how to handle ‘rejection’ myself when a guy I like doesn’t return the interest. He simply kept being my friend, no hidden anger/bitterness/hurt or ego resentment, and acted as if it wasn’t a big deal, as if he’d never asked, and was so cool and classy, that I liked him that much more as a friend. And I’ve introduced him to other of my girl friends with the highest praise.
Khiem
Liked the way you wrote how you project yourself…can see it recently has applied to me. Just inthe process of getting back to myself.
Jamie happy birthday
hello everyone your girl Lisa is back:)
god i miss this blog and all of you guys, and I have been really busy with work and other things!
amazed about what this blog has turned into:)
Their loss….Next?
Khiem- how did you get in the game? have you ever been a pua?
Noah
Why is divorce the ultimate rejection.
I have been divorced and i dont feel that way at all.
Far from it.
Why that thought process?
Lisa
Great to see you again!!
J
Its amazing how open you are compared to some of the other posters on this topic. Being open is ridding yourself of taking things personally.
Its all about chemistry!
Lisa – where have you been all this time woman!
I’m curious what other things have you been busy with besides work:)
Wygant Fan
I do not look at it ever as turning someone around.
I am always just me and that is a positive open person. If a woman is turned around it is all because she fell for the real me that i was anyway.
I have no agenda ever.
My girlfriend had a boyfriend when we met.
I liked her but did nothing to turn her around but be myself and allow the natural process of love and chemistry take place.
Its all about being in the moment!
horny lisa- love your SN. i am curious what your answer for coach yakub:)
Coach Khiem- who is your favorite dating guru? what did you learn about yourself by being in the pua community?
Coach yakub: I have been really busy with my new toy “Rabbit Pearl ” and you know exactly what that is, if you don’t google it. I have been feeling kind of lonely lately, so I had to use the rabbit pearl to take away some of the tension:)
And the rabbit pearl is my new best friend, he is better than the guy who visited me few weeks ago, I nicknamed him Mr. 2pump:)
Howepua- thanks for the compliment, it seems to me you just want to pump and dump as many women as you can, but make sure you don’t play games, be honest with women, and you can have your pump and dump:)
howepua,
I work with my favorite guru!
What I learned is that you don’t need to listen to anyone in PUA-dom but yourself. What I learned is that you have to rise up and become a real man of purpose and intent if you really want the best in life (including the best women).
What I’ve learned is attraction/pickup/seduction is a lot simpler than what most PUAs try to tell you.
There is more to you than how many women you attract or bed. There is a lot to do with how you treat people, and more importantly, how you treat yourself.
This is too big of a discussion to have on a blog comment but I’ll tell you this… ANY cool guy who I know are truly successful with women and who are actually happy and whom I’ve met… are no longer in the PUA Community.
So it tells you something right there…
Hey David,
That was a great blog today. I liked the conclusion you made because that’s just the way I handle things lately (with success): being rejected or “losing someone” is hard, especially if you get accustomed to someone, but every minute you spend worrying is really a lost minute. I have seen and experienced in the lAst years that there’s a 1000 more women out there for each one that rejects you, so let abundance thinking flood and calm your mind!!
David
I was pretty traumatized by my parents’ split when I was 16/17. Now I see it was for the best, but at the time it was really depressing because I was pretty impressionable at the time. And I was going through my own thing with a girl, so it was like divorce to the second power!
I also see all the GOOD that came out of that… honestly, I probably never would have met you if my parents didn’t split.
Noah
Rejection sucks like a mother!
“After my wife left me for some other guy I moped for about a month or two even though I knew we wouldn’t be getting back together (this was the 2nd time this had happened and I knew there was no going back this time). I finally got ecstatic when I realized what a favor she had done me-why would I want to go through life with someone who didn’t want to be with me? So they aren’t rejecting you, they are doing you a favor and sending you back out among the many thousands of possibilities out there to find someone who does want to be with you.”
I agree! Its like my view of breaking up. Why get sad and disagree to a break up when they don’t feel the same anymore? Why make them stay if they dont? Thats just so unreasonable. For my relationships, it’ll always be mutual.
kismet–well put!
Instead of harboring the negative feelings about the rejection or breakup and dwelling on what you did wrong, it’s good to think about what you learned from that relationship or experience…what you want and what you don’t want which will help you in the next relationship or dating experience!
Wow, that was just what I needed to hear. I’ve spent too long taking things personally and feeling rejected. The “some will, some won’t, so what” is a great way to remember that not everyone out there is going to like me, and that’s cool; there are plenty of people who do
I’ve learned that it is important to just be who I am- I’ll find the right guy eventually. Thanks so much!
The ultimate rejection is not divorce. It brushing yourself off and getting back out there after a divorce, finally meeting that person with whom you share a real connection (or so you think), really taking a risk by giving that person your whole heart, being so happy and having that person tell you they want to marry you and they are committed to staying with you for the long haul. Then, as soon as a major conflict occurs, they flee. They do not stay and work things out like they promised, and like a healthy adult. They just run away and pretend you never existed. That is the ultimate rejection. How in the hell is someone supposed to recover from that. That is why women are so bitter and do not trust men. I will never trust another man again and will never give my heart to another man again after being so crushed.
I needed to hear this podcast. Thanks a million David.
-Eric
It sounds to me like he did not really know her and then felt rejected as a result. I agree with David, he was in his head. I didn’t see anything in the comments on how he connected with her personality. He was basically filling in the gaps by creating what he thought was her. In order to stop filling gaps in your mind, take the time to get to know her first. Then you no longer create the personality, but instead are getting to really know it. Don’t be in such a hurry all the time. This way you know where the relationship is going, how she feels, how you feel.
This podcast is pure gold.
Sunday I went to a salsa party. My main goal was to have fun and dance as much as I can. Did I get rejected? You bet! But I just didn’t care. Sure it might have something to do with me, but that is the last thing on my mind.
I am working on implementing this same mindset in my daily life.
When someone responds rude to me, I smile, wish them a good day and walk away. They probably got their own issues going on, and it has NOTHING to do with me.
Life is about having options.
“Date like a surfer” is a blog David wrote a while back. A very good one, I enjoyed reading it allot. I even have it printed out and hanging on my wall.
When surfing a wave, you either fall from your board from the start, or midway. In the end you stand up, and catch the next one.
This podcast is awesome, it actually made me feel better, because there was this girl in my college class, that i was talking to. And at 1st i felt a great amount of chemistry. But after a while it wasn’t like that no more. And i though that it was me. who knows, it was probably me, but life is to short to be beating my self up when their is other fishes at the sea. This made me realize that life is better when you don’t take something like rejection so serious. And for that i thank you =)
Hi Dave,
would you mind offering a download of the mp3 as you used to do in the past?
Best wishes from your fans in Germany!
So is there anything in life that could be construed as “rejection?” Not getting into that ivy league college-they’re looking for someone with a 4.0 GPA and you have a 3.2. In a similar way, a woman may “reject” you because she’s looking for a more intelligent man. Or maybe you audition for a comedic acting role but are not engaging enough. A woman may “reject” you because she’s looking for a man who makes her laugh and you’re not him. So, by this logic, there could be rejection in anything in life? If not, will your subconscious mind reject this, assuming rejection can still occur on a cerebral level?
Man, this is your best podcast ever
Hi Guys, hi David,
very ass-kicking podcast
you mentioned something of being in munich for an upcoming podcast. it gets me curious, cause im living in hamburg, germany. what are you doing there? would be very cool to meet you in person sometime.
All the Best to All of You!
Lukas
Rejection is what makes guys feel scared to approach a woman because he feels that if he gets rejected, he’s gonna get embarrassed!! How idiotic is that!!
Hi David.
Great podcast, love it. How can I download this podcast?