The Sexual Experience Catch-22 By Sultry Brunette
Hope everyone is having a great Sunday!!’
Today we have a podcast that deals with how to accept yourself better in life and how to embrace the journey of whats ahead….without beating yourself up.
Click here to download…
So i thought i would share with you a great post from a woman who really wants to change how people perceive her sexually.
She wants to open up her sexual energy and needs a bit of everyones help.
Enjoy your day and without further buildup here is our long lost friend the Sultry Brunette.
Thanks David and hello everyone……Ok i am just going to ramble and let it all out!!
In the job market, there is always the “experience catch-22,” i.e., that frustrating and seemingly illogical roadblock into which so many job seekers run wherein potential employers only want to hire people with experience . . . but you can’t get experience until someone will hire you.
Something similar occurs if you are trying to switch areas within your own field. If you have a lot of experience in one area, it can be virtually impossible to get an employer to hire you to work in a different area within your field.
Once again that frustrating and seemingly paradoxical question emerges: How do you get experience when you have to already have it to be considered for the job?? Or, how do you show that you are capable of being as proficient in a different area as you are in the one in which you currently work?
It’s almost as if your resume has branded you for life: You are stamped with the scarlet letters “Inexperienced” or “Experienced ONLY In …” It’s an experience catch-22 . . . it seems like you’re damned if you do (have experience and want to branch out) and you’re damned if you don’t (have experience and want to get some).
You are probably wondering at this point what all of this possibly has to do with dating and David’s blog. Well, hopefully what comes next will do that.
I believe this “experience paradox” in the arena of work is also present in the area of sex. As a long-time fan of this blog, I have read so many comments from men (including David) about what kind of woman they want sexually . . . and I can’t help but notice a very frustrating theme: Men seem to attach a certain “sexual identity” to a woman based solely upon what type of sexual experience that woman has had in the past.
What I mean by this is that men seem to stamp a permanent and unchangeable sexual identity on a woman based on what she has (or has not) done sexually in her past. For instance, men will identify a woman as “kinky” or “wild” or “adventurous” or “open” or “comfortable with herself” if she has a lot of volume or variety in her sexual past.
A woman who hasn’t had a lot of partners and is somewhat inexperienced is automatically bestowed by men with the sexual identity of “shy” or “conservative” or “not wild.” The same thing goes for a woman of any volume of sexual experience who is inexperienced in terms of … variety. She is given the sexual identity of an “unadventurous” or “conservative” or “not free” kind of woman.
This is where I believe the “sexual experience paradox” exists. What if you are (for whatever reasons circumstantially) a woman who is inexperienced in terms of either volume or variety . . . BUT you are not a prude and you are desirous of being sexually adventurous?
I can tell you, getting that “position” is nearly impossible! Once men learn what you’ve been sexually, there is no convincing them that you truly are or desire to be anything else.
It’s the “sexual experience catch-22” . . . Men who say they want a woman to be sexually adventurous seem to believe that only women who already have experience being sexually adventurous can successfully fill the “position.”
If you are not currently experienced in that “area,” men brand you with the permanent and unshakable identity of being a sexually unadventurous woman or a prude or sexually conservative . . . and there seems to be no way to be given even the chance to interview for that “position.”
To men, it seems that they believe if you haven’t done something, it is because you are not open to doing it or you are not the kind of girl who would want to do it. This is a mistaken assumption as it relates to a lot of women!
Just like with trying to switch into a different area within your occupation, trying to broaden your sexual experience seems nearly impossible when men only hire women whom they identify as already being a certain kind of woman sexually.
There is no consideration for a potential candidate’s desire to have that position. There is no on-the-job training or internships offered.
There are no points given for aptitude, willingness to learn, a good work ethic or proficiency and talent in other areas of that field. There is also no consideration for the fact that your past employer only offered jobs in one “position” or that you loyally and successfully filled that position for a long time.
So what’s a girl to do who is ready to “branch out” sexually? Oh sure, you can try to fake your way through the interview process – I think in the work arena it’s called “dressing for the job you want” – and hope you can fool the interviewer long enough to be able to get the job.
I was hoping, though, that by writing this blog I could open up the job market a little more to those of us who are looking for these positions but can’t convince you men to let us interview for those jobs. Consider that sometimes the person who doesn’t bring any “bad habits” to the workplace becomes the most ideal employee because you get to train her to do the job exactly the way you want it done.
Your paradox is even worse for men with problems. And even if you think you are labeled in one direction, I’m sure there are many men out there who would want to experiment with you. It might be an inhibition that you are manifesting in your life.
If you are a creative and expressive but inexperienced man, it is psychological devastating.
People spend far to much time figuring out how they are going to be percieved in the world and too little time percieving themselves as who they want to be.
Excellent post! I agree with Michael H. It is actually even worse for men, in some areas. Worse for women in others. I am snooping around for another job and find myself wanting to leave a BUNCH of things that I have done off the resume. Put my education and explain what I want to do in broad terms by listing my experience in broad terms. Most of the time we need to be just given an chance. I don’t say opportunity, because I think we can create our own opportunities just as easy as someone giving them to us. We need to be given a chance when our resumes don’t quite match what we are asking for.
Great post!
I don’t know about other men, but I want a fit, smart, passionate girl… I rather not have her have a 10 page resume of wild sexual encounters w a plethora of players.
I’d like her to be passionate and sexual w me. Of course, I don’t want a virgin, because I’m not and I wouldn’t know how to handle one.
Again, it’s a turn off to me if a lady has had a long series of lovers and wild/crazy nights… call me selfish, but Iw ant to feel like the one special guy for that lady. Balance is key.
I don’t really agree with your point. I feel like any self respecting guy believes that as long as a woman is open minded and desires to be adventurous, he can turn her into whatever he wants her to be. This is especially true since men are expected to take the lead.
Kevin – Thanks!! Perhaps you and Michael are right … Just go for it without explaining it
I actually had the most amazing sexual experience of my life just a few weeks ago – nothing “new” introduced into the mix, but I totally let myself go without worrying how I was perceived, and I think it opened up the opportunity for one of the hottest sexual night ever… So who knows where that might lead 
Thanks again Kevin for the great comment!
Openess and more particularly willingness to try something new goes a long way.
In the job market, when you don’t have experience but you show a strong will to do something, people will still hire you. Your strong desire to do well will inspire people to give you a chance.
It’s the same thing in the “sexual experience” market. Men say they would prefer a woman who knows what she’s doing but realistically, they won’t disregard you if you are less than adequately experienced as long as you allow yourself to experience new things with them.
The idea here is… if you feel inadequate, talk openly about what you’d LOVE to experience with the man… how much it’d turn you on if this or that happen… how excited you’d be to do this or that. By the way you describe your excitement and considering that the man may like the pride in being the one to help you gain that experience, he may get so turned on so much that he’ll just JUMP at the first opportunity to show you what you’ve been missing out on.
And worse comes to worse, you can always “prepare” yourself by reading more about sex. Obviously experience is the most valued asset in any “position” but by just expanding your knowledge on the topic of sex (what turns a man on, what techniques you can use… etc), you will be better prepared to act on instinct, immerse yourself in the moment by letting go any insecurities so that you can truly enjoy the new experience when it comes. [all puns intended
]
Or…
Ignore everything I just wrote and “act as if” you knew what you were doing!
Most people wouldn’t know any better anyway ;p
I love the ending of your post, Khiem
However, I agree and disagree with you Sultry Brunette, because I’ve experienced the experience catch 22 (I was a virgin till I turned 18, and am now soon 20) and there was this guy at my work who really liked me, and… OH! I just realized something for the first time =O (i’ll get to that), but we never got together, because he didn’t want a girlfriend he couldnt (what’s couldn’t anyway, I mean, when a guy says that?) have sex with. He knew that at that time I was a virgin. Since then I feel that he sort of labelled me a virgin, you know, the kind of girl that stays a virgin till she’s married. It really opened my eyes, as to how I myself wanted to be preceived, but then I started to really not care what he thought about me at all.. no wonder I didn’t “chase” him
Now, I know why he didn’t think it was such a good idea for us to get together, I mean, he loves sex, and he even told me he considered virgins (or girls inexperienced with sex) to be conservative! I never thought of it then, that that might’ve been the reason for him backing off slowly..
He still flirts with me though, and looks at me as “wife material”.. (?!)
But he’s moved on and has a girlfriend, about 4 years older than him… probably more experienced, or atleast at his “Level” if there is such a thing in the field
As to my personal opinion, I realized once I had sex for the first time, that it was all about how I myself preceived myself.. I didn’t want to brag about having had sex with my ex, and letting people know that I had some experience.. I wanted to keep it to myself, and show it in bed with someone special..
As for how to get experienced, well, we all know how..don’t we?
I mean, virgins have sex in the end, and some have “adventorous personalitites”, some are “catholic schoolgirls” in bed, some even become “dominatrix”es (=P) in bed.. etc etc. Same with the job market, you start off at some point, and some day you realize that, wow.. you have all this experience! To me, it’s about being humble… with where and how you start..
I started working when I was 15/16, as a newspaper delieverer..(to subscribers), and then I was lucky to work with my stepmother at her school, as an assistant to those who take care of children after school, and then I worked at this foodstore owned by the parents of a friend of mine, and then at a clothing store, and then at our local foodstore etc etc.
(in the job market that is!)
I took all the “chances” I got and worked them out to my advantage, now my resume definately says “experienced”
JustMe,
Are you flirting with me again? ;p
I love Catholic schoolgirls!
Well, of course, Khiem
Why do guys know how much experience you have before you have sex with them anyway? I mean nowadays there really is no reason they have to know. That’s the kind of a talk you have before getting into a serious relatonship not the kind of talk people have before getting into bed. Right?
CJ – you def have a point there..
You don’t exactly “interview” a potential partner to see how experienced they are, until you get to know them otherwise.. first..
But some people actually do have that talk. I had it, before I even considered a serious relationship, or the guy who liked me started asking me questions as to my sexual status etc. However, that may’ve been because we work together and are friends, so he obviously felt comfortable enough asking me…
I think if i’m not mistaken, that the label or the stamp that she’s talking about, is the point here..
when guys (or girls) acknowledge the kind of experience a girl has based on past “adventures” (or lack of them), they seem to label the girl..
so it’s hard for the girl to get rid of that label. that’s how i interpreted the essence of her blog:)