The Secret To Being A Good Conversationalist
August 30, 2010 
6 Comments
I get asked a lot about how am I so good at being impromptu with strangers. People ask me how I am able to so easily and effortlessly communicate with people, and how I am able to take a simple observation and turn it into a conversation.
My response is this: It’s very easy, because I am not censored. I don’t censor myself.
I basically see something and I walk right over to it. It’s almost like when you were a little kid and you first learned how to catch a ball.
Your dad would be standing there, you would be standing there holding out the glove. Your dad would wind up, and your legs would be shaking as the ball came toward you.
What would you do? You would essentially put the mitt out in front of the ball to try and catch it, or you would cover your face and let the ball hit you in the head (depending on your athletic ability).
In reality, though, all you had to do was allow yourself to react to each pitch as it came toward you. That’s the same thing you have to do with conversation situations.
All I do is allow myself to react to every single situation. I don’t monitor myself. I don’t censor myself. When I see something, I react to it and it comes across as being very genuine.
The problem with most guys is that they’re always over-thinking, trying to figure out what to say or how to say it. By doing that, it never comes across as natural.
You can’t stand there for five or ten minutes before finally spitting out what you hope is the “right thing” to say. It’s so awkward. There is so much apprehension because you spent so much time trying to figure out what the right thing to say is.
There is no right thing to say. It’s the way you own the words and the way you speak. It’s the way you come across.
You can say anything, as long as you say it right away and you say it with authority. When you do that, you are going to command attention. It’s just the way it is.
If you want to really learn this, one of the best things to do is go to any city and look at homeless people. Look at the ones who get attention and who get money. They are the ones who go to people and say, “Hey, you look like you’re having a great day today.” Watch homeless people and learn from them.
Cool metaphor with the reading the pitch!
A strategy I use is to do something nice for others. I choose to see opportunities to bless others. This could be as simple as
*handing over the remainder of my parking ticket,
*offering a big smile (even when I don’t feel like it),
*giving a genuine compliment (with details eg The green colour of your jumper is so fresh, I feel like I could be in an alpine forest…. only if you mean it or it will be false flattery),
or as a woman, if I see a guy who looks like he is having a tough day at the supermarket, I might ask him to reach to get me something off a high shelf (do something for me that he can do successfully, easily, and immediately) so he feels good about himself.
By putting the focus on the other person AND not being attached to the outcome, ie whether they say thank you or even respond positively at all, I feel good by creating opportunities to share the love!
I just got back home from a jazz festival. I sat across a couple, not knowing what to say at first. Then it hit me:”jazz festival”. I mentioned to them how awesome the music was and they replied. I found out that they are here on vacation and we had a nice chat.
When you don’t censor yourself, you litteraly have much more freedom of speech.
It’s not the words, but the way you say things.
I did an exercise earlier today with a friend of mine. I walked up to him, and in a very weak, insecure voice I said:”Hey….how you doing”? He started laughing and telling me that what I did was very awkward.
Next, I walked up to him again, slow, with a smile on my face, I patted him on the back and said:”Hey man, how you doing”?
I could see by his behavior that it made him comfortable and he felt a sense of appreciation.
Great blog
Coming from a place of authenticity and not neediness is so important. Meeting freshmen now that school’s started up again, I can tell that something is different about me. I think that it’s that I’m not trying to get them to like me anymore. I know I’m likable, and I know I am interesting. It’s easy to walk up and say, “Hey, how do you like that cinnamon roll?” or whatever because there isn’t that constant, “Is she gonna like me? Did I say the right thing? Was I nice enough? Was I funny enough? Did I compliment her enough?” dialogue running though my head anymore. It’s so freeing! Why didn’t I learn this stuff earlier?
I met a girl today who I’m going to study for our CS class together with. Why did I meet her? I saw a group of people talking, went over, and started talking to them. Who knows how much more my life would be enriched if I had started doing stuff like this earlier?
I totally agree. If you can’t be yourself, who are you supposed to be? And how do you keep up the charade once the conversation has evolutionized? Instead of trying to keep up appearances, just be natural, spontaneous and have fun with it!!! If she doesn’t like you for you, then who gives a shit?!? There’s 6+billion people in the world!!! Who cares? Move on!
It is definitely freeing to go with the flow and react to situations. I used to get caught up in my head too much and miss the moment. Staying adaptable and flexible helps make moments happen instead of watching them sail by.
Definitely agree, I overthink way too much. This was definitely useful. I guess it just take someone to just tell you how to do it. This helped and I definitely plan on applying it! Thanks!