“He Talk” / “She Talk” by David Wygant
Recently I was having a conversation with a female friend of mine, and it went like this:
FF: “It’s amazing how men and women can even communicate, because
men and women have such different talking styles.”
DW: “Men are more random speakers, while women are more bonding
conversationalists. Have you ever met a woman who is a random talker?”
FF: “Yes.”
DW: “Have you ever met a man who is a bonding talker?”
FF: “Yes. Those are the men I’m attracted to.”
This led me to think deeper, and made me realize that some men are actually “she talkers” while some women are actually “he talkers.” In order to fully understand this concept, I need to explain to you what the different talking styles are and how they work.
Communication is magic. There are endless books on communication and how to communicate with other people. Communication is probably one of the things at which you can work on become better.
A great communicator has several traits. The following four traits of a great conversationalist are generally traits of a “she talker:”
1) The ability to observe the actions of those around them. This gives them the ability to create things to talk about with others;
2) The ability to listen. This is the best trait that every great communicator must have;
3) The ability to stay present in the moment. A great communicator is not always thinking about what to say next and does not have a predetermined script in their head of what to say; and
4) The ability to relax when speaking with someone. A good conversationalist is able to be okay with what’s happening in a conversation, and is not “outcome derived” when involved in a conversation.
The four traits above are the keys to intriguing and having a great conversation with someone of the opposite sex. Without these, the conversation will likely be unsuccessful.
You’re speaking to a hot, sexy woman. If you’re not relaxed, you’re thinking during the conversation only about how badly you want to go out with her, and you’re not listening to her, you’re NOT going to intrigue or affect her which means . . . you will not be going out with her.
Now most people assume that men and women speak a different language . . . which is true in some respects, but not in others.
The men who are very successful with women have learned the power of “she talk.” They have learned and mastered all of the 4 traits above of the “she talker” great conversationalist.
The men who have a hard time connecting with women have the qualities and traits of a “he talker.” Here are 4 qualities and traits of a “he talker” so that you’ll know when you’re in a conversation with one of them:
1) A “he talker” has random thoughts running through their head at 100 mph. Women may have perfected multi-tasking, but “he talkers” have perfected multi-talking, i.e., they will talk about six things at once and then come back to one of the topics later.
2) “The ADD Syndrome.” A lot of “he talkers” have trouble concentrating when they talk because they’re always, always, always thinking and looking around the room at visual stimuli that makes them lose their train of thought.
3) “He talkers” are braggarts. They tend to like to boast about their accomplishments, thinking that others are attracted to someone who brags about their car, money or career successes. I call this person “the wing flapper.” “He talkers “ will talk to each other this way because they are competitive.
4) “He talkers” are competitive talkers. When they brag about their careers, other “he talkers” want to be like them. “He talkers” are competitive about their sports teams, their golf game and other such things.
Here’s where this gets interesting. During more than 10 years of coaching people, I’ve always coached men in the art of conversation to become “she talkers.” The men that I’ve successfully coached have learned the art of “she talk” and have become very successful with women.
But what I’ve found is that, although more often than not “he talkers” are men, there are quite a lot of women running around who are “he talkers.” So even when you’ve mastered the art of “she talk,” you’ll still find women who are “he talkers.” Those women will brag about their accomplishments . . . They’re random. When you talk to her, you’ll almost feel like you’re talking to your little brother.
Just because men and women have physical attributes that define them, this doesn’t mean that every man speaks “he talk” and that every woman speaks “she talk.” Understanding that this is true will help you understand why you just don’t click with certain people.
Understanding this will also help you accept one simple truth: You are not going to be able to communicate and connect with every single member of the opposite sex, no matter how good you become at mastering the art of conversation.
There are going to be women who are “he talkers.” Even though you will learn to speak and master “she talk,” you’ll still run into women who are “he talkers.”
Communication is defining who you are. If you’re a “he talker” and you don’t want to master the art of “she talk,” then you’ll only attract women who are “he talkers.” That is what the power of communication and conversation are all about.
I’ve been a “she talker” my whole life. I’ve always been able to walk into a room, strike up a conversation with anyone, and connect with those that are “she talkers.”
There are also levels of “she talking:”
? Level 1 is the small talk “she talker.” This person is really good at having conversations about the weather, your job or the traffic.
? Level 2 of a “she talker” is a person who likes to get very deep and loves the fact that you want to listen, but is scared to ask you any questions.
? Level 3 is “the interrogator she talker.” This is a person who wants to know everything, and questions you about everything. They don’t want to assume the meaning of anything . . . they want it clarified.
? Level 4 of a “she talker” is a person who has done years of work evolving their soul. They usually take yoga and have been on many retreats. They want to get to the deepest level of conversation and stay there, because that is what really turns them on at the deepest level.
Most men get really frustrated. They think that just because they’re learning how to flirt, that they’re going to connect with every woman.
I’m a Level 4 “she talker.” I get along with and can communicate with virtually any woman. I don’t, however, really connect on a deep friendship or romantic level with Level 1 and Level 2 “she talkers,” nor do I connect on a deep friendship or romantic level with female “he talkers.” I’ve accepted this. If you’re clear about the level of communication you want and what you want to embrace, then you will understand why you do and don’t connect with certain women.
You have to realize that you’re not going to connect with every woman. If you’re a “he talker,” you may get along with a Level 1 “she talker” but you are not going to get along with a Level 4 “she talker.” Your best bet is to meet a female “he talker” or a Level 1 “she talker.”
So, what is the first step? The first step is to define the communication style or level with which you’re most comfortable. If you’re going to remain a “he talker,” you’re only going to attract the type of woman I mentioned above.
If you want to be a master communicator, then I suggest you start mastering Level 1 “she talking,” and work on that for some time before you try to master Level 2 through Level 4 “she talking.” But even being a Level 1 “she talker” will open you up to meeting so many more women than being just a “he talker.”
Understanding how someone speaks the language is the key to understanding why you just don’t connect with every person of the opposite sex. Until you master this, you might as well be dating Russian women who speak Russian. Even though the women you’re pursuing speak English, it doesn’t mean they speak your version of English.
One last question . . .
Have you ever met a woman whom you felt as though you’d known forever, and where the conversation felt like it just flowed and seemed like her thoughts were your thoughts? This is what happens when you understand the dynamics of “he talk” and “she talk,” and when you understand the dynamics of your conversation style. This way you don’t waste your time on women who don’t speak your form of English.
Communication is the first step to chemistry. I go over all of this in Detail and how to connect with any women in My Mens Mastery Series.
Tomorrow I have something that I promise will make all the women laugh and all the men think…….Till Tomorrow!!!
Wow! This is great!
I had been on dates with men simply don’t talk. I did all the talking.
Is there a category for this type of men?
How do you communicate with men who don’t talk?
I can’t read somebody’s else mind… If you don’t tell me what you think, I don’t know…
And another thing…. Usually, guys who don’t talk would like to see me again. And I tell them, “Thanks, but no, thanks.” And they can’t figure out why… LOL.
The last 90 minute “coffee date” I went on I had told the guy that I had to leave at a certain time to pick up my kids. For 85 of the 90 minutes he talked about himself. I earned about his ex, his relationship with his parents, pets that he had…he never once thought to turn the conversation around to ask me anything about me. When I went to check my watch to see if I had to go, it occurred to him that maybe this had been one sided and he asked about me. I mumbled some generic info, and told him that it was nice meeting him, I had to pick up my kids because I was talking them out of town to go to Arizona for a week. For the last 4 minutes he regaled me with stories of spring break in Arizona.
A few days later he called and told me what a great time he had, how at ease I made him feel, and could we get together again that evening?
The ONE thing that I had told him, that I was out of town that week, he didn’t remember.
Buh Bye Mr. Egocentric.
Hey Jessica,
Some guys don’t talk at all because they are afraid of saying the wrong things… as most men have some shaky fear when it comes to women…
But, on the other end of the spectrum… you’ve got Kim’s guy… that has to try to overpower the conversation in order to compensate for his apparent lack of confidence.
Finding the happy medium is where it’s at. I like telling stories because it allows you to nonchalantly let someone in to your life a bit… plus… gives the other person plenty of anchor points to go off on a tangent from their story.
Naturally, it’s tough to keep it going sometimes when the one person has a “Stack” of stories that they HAVE to tell you before you can get anything in edgewise
David W,
Where the hell you get this shit from?
Brilliant! (picture th beer commercial)
I just realized that I’m a she talker with guys, married woman and women I’m not trying to bed. They develop rapport w me real fast. Ever since my divorce, I’m a he-talker with women I find Hot. Trying to predict what to say, to get to an outcome of “shagging” them.
Well today, I was in a coffee date w someone that had a lot going for her, but I did not feel attracted to enough. Funny, but she was asking me all kinds of Questions and I was doing all the talking… this didn’t make me dislike her, it was just that phycically she wasn’t my type when I met her in person… but just thought it was funny how much she got me into deep converstaion.
Wow Kim … I dunno how you put up with that for 90 minutes! Jessica’s situation was just as bad, it’s so awkward to be carrying the whole conversation.
The more I read these blogs the more I think my guy is nearly perfect. Our 1st date was at a sports bar and the conversation wasn’t stellar at first, but he got points for trying. He knew that I’m a jeweler and he asked if I made the necklace I was wearing out of paper clips. I still chuckle about that, it was fine gauge silver wire (I’m all for artsy, but I’ll pick silver over paper clips any day!). Some ESPN talk show was on the TV at our table, but he noticed that kicboxing was on the TV at the next table so he asked if I wanted to watch that instead (I’m a kickboxer & ufc style mma fighter and he’s a wrestler, runner, and soccer player). So then we started talking about the sports that we like and how they’re similar and different. Plus talking about contact sports gives a lot of opportunities for physical contact when you’re explaining a move … that’s when things started going really well.
Great topic David!
I met this guy online, and we had exchanged a lot of IMs. Conversation seemed pretty good with him until I met him in person. I have never met anyone who could talk so much without a break. It got to the point where even the uh-huh, and the hmms wouldn’t fit in. I won’t even get into the faux pas that he committed the rest of the evening.
LOL I totally know what you mean Bertie! My ex and I are very different types of communicators, the “he talk” drives me up a wall!!! He will go on for 20 minutes about several different issues then when he’s done talking (which after 20 minutes he sounds pretty much like the mom in Charlie Brown … you know, “wah wah wah wha”) he looks at me for a response. He doesn’t get that you’re supposed to discuss one issue and then the other person is supposed to respond and then when that issue is resolved you move on to the next issue. He actually refused to do it because he wanted to say everything he needed to say and then let me talk … and I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve mistaken a pause for air as a cue for me to finally have a chance to talk. Here’s another symptom of his “he talk” … tonight we went out to dinner to discuss things concerning our children. The manager came over to our table to ask how everything was and my ex bragged about how he could run the whole restaurant by himself because he used to be a waiter. What an unfruitful comment! He doesn’t even work in the food industry anymore, he totally invalidated the hard work that the manager puts into his job, and it accomplished nothing … and he wonders why I talk with him as little as possible.
Well my ex is a she talker level 1. He talks to everyone except kids and its all about the weather and such. All men are big guy and all women are girlie-girl. Thats not to say he is incapable of deep thought…It just doesn’t happen very often. A total mismatch that we manage to keep up for twenty years…At least he had all his teeth…thats something.
J dude
You need to talk to all women the exact same way!
That is when you master the art of true connection with the women that you desire the most!!
David W,
How you worde that response really clicked w me.
BTW, I did finally buy your MP3′s. They go real well w an Ipod! Can’t believe the spectrum it covers, very broad.
I recommend it. “Stay in the moment…”
Bertie!
Don’t leave us hanging… we wanna hear about the Faux Pas…
…gossip, me likit…
Well before we even went out he asked me what I like to drink in the way of alcohol. So I told him my favorite is Patron Gold. So were at his place, he tried to tell the liquor store didn’t have any during his monologue, but I figured how bad could it be? Oh, it could be hella bad! I wasn’t paying much attention to him while he was mixing drinks, but later I wished I had. Developing a horrible headache and I should have ended it there, but I was thinking, Bert, he’s just nervous…try and keep an open mind. More never ending monologue at dinner and eating didn’t stop him from talking. Nothing like speaking with a mouthful to turn a woman on ya know? So after dinner the headache has become a migraine, and I’m thinking I’m going to heave at any second. He still wants to know if I want to horizontal hustle with him. I had to tell him, you know I don’t like to barf in front of people. But you know, he had his teeth.
Bertie,
You are into nice teeth, aren’t you?
Wow, you are patient… not talking with a mouthful… that is “101″ basic stuff!
Well he had so much important info to impart about himself ya know?
As to the teeth thing…I’m tellin ya, I see people with the amphetamine teeth or lack thereof a lot at work and occasionally when I’m out, so I’m not being picky. I just ask that you have most of yours. Crazy huh?
J
Its all about the moment!!
Glad you are enjoying the mastery series!!
David-
I like this post, but I think it would be more accurate to divide it into “me-talkers” and “we-talkers”. I think there are enough men that can carry on a decent conversation and enough women who can’t, that the gender distinction isn’t the best way to describe it.
Whatever the case, you’re absolutely right about the effect of having a real conversation. I got a glimpse of this first hand today. I’m going a little off-topic, but still in the ball park, I think. It’s also kind of detailed, but I want people to get a flavor of how things went. And it was just so much fun I wanted to share it.
My mother, who is 86 and doesn’t drive any more, lives in Marin County, which has a reputation of being kind of an effete place, and one would think, not so open to incidental conversation. My brother and I alternate taking her shopping every week at the local Trader Joe’s. For the people in the Midwest, TJ’s is a kind of offbeat grocery store with a lot of specialty items.
So I was inspired by all the stuff I read on the site over the last week, and I decided to try it out today. I have to drive across a toll bridge to get from my place to my mom’s and as I pulled up to the toll booth, I took out what I thought was a five dollar bill but was only a one. When I discovered my mistake, I smiled at the woman in the toll booth and told her to hang on for a sec while I dug out some more money. She smiled back, and I quickly found the other dollars and handed them to her. I was just about to pull out when I thought about your advice. There was another car behind me, so I just blurted out “You’re cute” as I started to pull away. I got a big smile back.
So now I was determined that I would just talk to anyone and try to get a smile out of them. The result was amazing. We first went to lunch at a local bistro. It’s a nice place, casual and not pretentiously upscale. The hostess put us at a table next to two women who already had their food. I could hear just snatches of their conversation, and it was hard to find a place to chime in. Finally I heard one of the women talking enthusiastically about her French fries (yes, I read your advice about that). The bistro has a special version of them that are really good. I looked over at her, smiled, and said something totally mundane, like “Gotta love those fries.”
She smiled back and we started talking about them. The waitress came up and asked if she wanted any bread. The woman declined, saying she was happy with the fries. She also declined dessert because “Who needs dessert after the fries?”
In the meantime I had ordered a dish with the fries as well. They arrived sort of standing up in this wire basket while the woman had gone to the bathroom. When she came back and got her things from her table, about to leave, I caught her eye and lifted up my fries like a glass of wine and said, “Here’s to the fries.” She laughed, and said, “yeah, they’re great!” I held my hand up and said “HIgh five!” and she HIgh five’d me. I didn’t pursue it, but it was clear that this opened all kinds of possibilities for a conversation. What a kick.
Then I started to notice the hostess. She had on white cotton slacks that fit her great and a black and white print open blouse over a tight black strapless top. It looked like she had really figured it out. She looked sharp. I thought, “Damn, she worked hard to look good in that outfit. I should let her know.” So as we left I smiled and told her I really liked the look of the print over the white pants and how it really made her look put together. She gave me a nice smile and really she was really just faking it because she’d hardly gotten any sleep the night before. Again I was struck by how easily the situation turned into fodder for conversation.
So we get back in the car and stop at a grocery store to get some stamps. I went in alone as my mother waited in the car. I found a short line with one woman who was unloading her cart on the stand. She saw me and asked if I wanted to go ahead, since I was just getting one thing. I looked at all the stuff she was buying and asked, “Laying in supplies for the week?” She smiled back and started talking about how she had just gotten back from a few days at Bodega Bay (an ocean resort town, sort of), and we talked about that.
Back into the car, and off to Trader Joe’s. There, I first got into a conversation with a guy who offered to get my mother a cart. I talked a woman who didn’t realize she was in our way. I talked to a woman who was grinding some coffee she had bought. I talked to her husband. I asked a woman who had put a gallon bottle of milk in her cart if she had teenagers. “No,” she said. “Those days are long behind me.” I mean, the whole day was ridiculous.
As we were walking out to the car, my mother said, “We should have a party with all the people you talked to today.” As I thought about it, it didn’t even seem like a bad idea.
There’s just no end of things to talk about that can engage people. I never had so much fun with so many people grocery shopping. My only objective for the whole day, really, was to try to get a smile out of the people I talked to.
So I apologize for going on like this, but I just wanted to let people know how much fun they’re missing if they don’t engage folks that they encounter in their daily lives. It’s amazing how approachable people are in their everyday environment.
Oh, one more thing. While we were at the restaurant, I saw one of the female employees trying to flirt with a customer, but he was either uninterested or clueless. I felt bad for the woman, because she was doing a good job. He’d apparently been at the restaurant late the night before, because she asked him if he’d slept there. When she took his credit card, she asked him what the middle initial “J” stood for. She made a couple of other stabs at conversation that I couldn’t hear. The guy answered, but he just didn’t bite. After he left, I wanted to go up tell her not to feel bad, that she was doing all the right things. But while I was debating whether this would have been over the top, she walked back into the kitchen, and I didn’t see her again.
Wow! This is great. Thanks for explaining the levels. Do you think all women are ready to engage at level 4? It’s very intimate. It seems like some are ready…but many need to feel they can trust you before they are willing get to that level of intimacy.
Geez, everyone. I’m really embarrassed to see how long my note was. I guess I was feeling kind of giddy. Joan, maybe you understand. I’ll try to edit myself better in the future.
David,
I enjoyed the topic.
I was definately NOT a “she talker” But now, I really like getting to the deeper stuff. Was with a group on Saturday (3 couples), one of the conversations was between two of the guys about sports, there was some sexual banter about strip clubs, some about the interactions of personality types, and some about relationships. Now looking back through this blogs interpretation of the conversations, I can see as the conversations weht, who was where in terms of where they are at in terms of conversations.
I’ve found that when I make the effort I can “do” small talk. I can ask questions about people and draw something out of them, but it seems to die out with just the surface stuff like sports, work or weather. When I really engage someone is when I get them into the subject of relationships, communication, or feelings. Most of the time you can just see the lights come on in the other person. When you are at this deeper level it isnt about picking someone up or trying to get a phone number, its about sharing something that really means something.
I was with a couple friends in Atlanta and we were hanging out having dinner. We were talking more about the surface stuff, I had had a bad intereaction with my ex spouse (She was sharing just what an ass hole I was and how I needed to do this, this, this and this to “fix” myself) I told my friends that I would listen to their criticism and “suggestions” about me because I “knew” they were coming at it from a love for me, while my ex was coming at it from a hatred for me. That level of conversation and opening up to others is required to get out of “he talk” and into the “real” stuff.
BobM
Enjoyed your little story very much. Shows how enjoyable it is when you engage the world around you. So often we walk through life with our heads down and thoughts on our to-do lists — missing everything around us. How wonderful you awoke to the people passing through your life. I know I will do this with the people I meet when I’m in a particularly good light-hearted mood. But if I have a lot on my mind, I become unconscious and unaware of my surroundings. It is nice to remember to stay in the present. Be alive. Connect with people.
LOL Bob,
I am ecstatic someone has posted a longer post then me, and a very interesting on at that, but I do know how it feels to hit the comment button and see my scroll pop up there. lol
Hey, what can you say but, “everybody, enjoy your reading pleasures here;)”
Susie-
My thoughts exactly. It was especially fun that to see that the the people I talked to were having a good time with it, too. People in the grocery store even started to notice. We had a conversation going across three checkout lines.
Joan-
I thought you might appreciate that “Oh, what have I done?’ moment that I experienced when I saw how long my comment was.
to dr bobm
congratulations, sounds like you were having a great time!…..
To DW,
I have been caught in the middle of she-talk, the hi-speed at which women respond to each other, while conversing, the she-talk analogies, the idioms used in she-talk, cleverly blended, with with a touch of power and control, never cease to amaze me……..
Hunter-
Thanks, it was a blast, but for the love of God, please don’t confuse me with “DrBob.” Yikes!
to bertie,
I remember kissing a female chain smoker and a woman that had food between her teeth, just to get in, afterwards…when men are in their prime, mostly, the Lyndon Johnson(or Jimmy), won’t discriminate…
bobm,
…..ok,,,,,didn’t mean to get you involved….
LOL, Hunter,
Well look at it this way, the little Lady Bird is a very discriminating individual. I’m old enough to have done some pretty crazy-assed stuff, but don’t ever want to have any regrets.
to Bertie,
…you are right indeed,,,as for regrets, I can no longer think of any….
Hunter,
hmmm…….I used to have lots of them, but I had a really liberating experience last January with taking a chance on someone being exactly as presented and I’m oh so glad I did.
taking a chance on someone being exactly as presented?…how so?