The Non-Threatening Approach
June 14, 2009 
18 Comments
Last night I went out to an organic restaurant in Venice called Axe. It’s funny, and I’ve been saying this for decades, but men waste Saturday nights drinking in a bar while groups of women go out to dinner to avoid the drunken men at bars.
Last night at Axe, there were tables of six to eight women hanging out, eating and talking. All of them were relaxed and having fun because they did not have to deal with the drunken male on the prowl.
I have been telling men for years to head to places like this on a Saturday night, because if they do they will be in a room full of single women. It is so easy in an environment like this to casually talk, smile and make very non-threatening comments. You can say something like “How was your dinner?” then go back to your table and have fun with your buddy (as she is having fun with hers).
Then you can see if she takes the bait. If she does, then great! There have been many times I’ve done this and ended up having dessert with a fun group of women who were there for a girls night out.
How many times do I really need to tell you guys that the non-threatening approach is always the best. You need to think outside the box.
Have an amazing Sunday!
I remember once being in a similar situation myself. There’s this Jazz place in Fullerton I’d sometimes go to and there were always a lot of cute girls hanging out eating there. I’d see them all the time just sitting at their table, but it never occured to me to do the “non-threatening approach.” This gives me something to consider…
i get a lot of comment from girls saying that I am such a cute guy. What do girls mean by that because i feel like non of them want to date me for benefits… what is wrong with me?
How can you possibly go to a place like that alone and talk to someone?
OH! So that’s where the NICE women are on Saturday Night! Hahahaha!
Mike,
Nothing is wrong with you, but most time when girls use that term it’s because they are not sexually attracted to you, but your personality is really appealing to them. The fact they say you are cute is a great sign, because it shows you got a great personality. Now it’s a matter of of not changing but altering a bit how you interact with the girls so they don’t take you for granted and “write you off” as boyfriend material.
Personally I don’t need macho and I am all for the person and not anything else, if anything is a turn on it’s a great personality, maybe you have been approaching the wrong girls. I bet David or the coaches has a better advice on how you approach this issue.
It’s so true David we girls love anyone approaching us with sincerity and a non I am here to hit on you attitude. It just shows you a good guy thats worth spending some time with. As David previous have said, then maybe the girls are not interested in company that night, but you never know when you might run in them again.
Thank you David for writing about this!
I remember this time when a guy at a bar creeped me out as he applied the “stare-across-the-room” technique at me. I just turned around and moved closer to my friends. He should read this post.
The biggest issue for guys of all ages is the fact that it’s damn scary to walk up to table full of women without coming off like your a drunken guy on the prowl. There is no need for you to leave your table, how can you make a nice approach. How can you not offend the rest of the table if you send a drink for one of them. Large groups of women are very intimidating.
thanks Marina for the tip. i guess whenever i get comments like “Ur such a nice guy” or “Ur so cute” from a girl, i need to better run away from her lol.
Mike,
Stop being so nice and cute, and start busting on these girls and just having fun with them. Pick on them a little and make them laugh. Then the “cute” turns into a feeling, and that is what will attract them. Women don’t care if you look cute and the nice guys are not very exciting because they don’t stir up their emotions. You need to let them know you’re comfortable, confident and not afraid to say something off the wall that most nice guys wouldn’t dare say!
David,
I have to agree with Barrett. If there is a table full of girls in a restaurant and you’re there alone or with a friend, you have no reason to go over there and say anything unless you’re trying to hit on them. If you happen to have the table right next to them, and can just eavesdrop in on their conversation and chime in at an opportune moment, that’s different. I’ve done this recently and it worked great! But if you’re sitting half way across the room, then it’s pretty obvious to those girls that you went over to hit on them. On the other hand, if you approach with confidence and say something intriguing, it might work no matter how obvious it is why you did it. Maybe in that case, you would use a direct approach. Don’t send a drink over, that’s a cowardly approach. Just walk over to the one you want to talk to and ask for her number or see if you can excuse her from her friends for a minute, and then ask her. Say you’d like to talk to her sometime when it’s more appropriate. If she’s single and interested, she might be flattered that you asked!
Mike–well, it seems like you got the nice thing down which is good. Now you got to take it to the next level so that women can get a different sexual vibe from you. The difference between “the nice guy” who you want to be friends with verses the guy who you want to date has to do with your approach, body language and overall aura you are giving off. As Todd is suggesting, have a little playfulness in your approach with sexual undertones that will create intrigue. At the boot camps and on the community site we do a lot of role playing to help with this.
Approaching a group of women can be intimidating but a lot of times it is about positioning yourself and creating an energy so that you can enter a conversation. Also, I think many women find it nice when a guy has the confidence to start a conversation with a group of gals. Because as you hear repeatedly, we LOVE confident men…give us a try…we don’t bite….
Think of it in reverse, wouldn’t you like it if a women came and struck up a conversation with a group of guys???
Whenever I’m in a group of women, we are always receptive to people coming up and talking to us. We’re all friendly. If the guy ends up being a creepster, we’ll politely return to our own conversation, but we always give the guy a chance.
What we don;t like, though, is when a guy talks to just one woman, ignoring the group dynamic, and then tries to isolate her physically away from the rest of us. his intentions may be fine, but it looks like trying to take advantage of someone by isolating them and we will always move to protect our friend.
that is a great approach I will have to try that from now on thankis!
Kimberly and Kelly,
Your advice sounds good, but really, i feel that in theory it sounds all good. It’s easier said than done. An example would be useful, although I like Kelly’s tip on talking to the entire group as opposed to the one girl you’re interested in.
Let me give two examples of where I failed at approaching a group of women.
1. I was at a dive bar in Long Beach (Belmont Shore) and a group of 5 girls were standing next to my friend and I. One of them was making eye contact with us but without the smile, so my friend approaches them and immediately 4 heads turn away. The one girl who didn’t turn away was polite enough to hear what he had to say. We were right next to them for goodness’ sake! I backed him up and asked what the occasion was for them. The one girl said they were celebrating one of their friends’ b-day. And by that time we just realized that it was going no where so we left them alone and went back to where we were: right next to them. LOL.
One thing to note, however, is that these were Hispanic girls. Hispanic girls are known to not talk to any guys when it’s girls night out. And when it’s not girls night out, they usually go out with a group of guys and talk to them only. It must be a culture thing. I’m mexican-american and I have noticed this. White girls and Asian girls are usually more receptive to letting a guy come and talk to them.
2. I went to a 50th anniversary reception Saturday and my friend wanted me to talk to one of the single girls sitting at a table. There were 4 girls, 3 of them had dates and the 3rd was the single one. I didn’t go because it would seem obvious that I was going for the single one and I would inevitably intrude on any conversation they had going because they were all into themselves. I would have to come up with some kind of hail mary approach that would succeed in that setting which is nearly impossible, so I obviously just hung out at my table and talked to the mom and pop and their high school aged kids.
Perhaps the females who have gone out in a group and had a guy approach them in a non-bar setting can enlighten us with what that guy did or even better: tell us what you think when you see a guy you want to come talk to you….do you girls ever think, “If he would just come over and say this ________fill in the blank_________, I would totally think that was awesome.
Women, I must oblige.
MAC
This biggest thing too with this kind of approach, is the judge the energy of the girls. When I have been out and we have had a great conversations going with it’s down right annoying to be interrupted. I will always be friendly, but if I am not giving out cues as to be looking around the room or it appears I am smiling it’s because I want to be left alone. It’s all about a moment kind of thing. If I on the other hand have been looking around the room and tried to make eye contact and smiled, then it’s an open invitations to come over and talk. An opener could be just to ask what is good here, as I am new to this place.
Mike,
I get the “you are cute” all the time… and usually it’s a good sign that she likes me.
It really depends on the context in which you get that compliment. If you aren’t unsure what she means by it, assume that she’s telling you she likes you… and make something happen out of it!
It’s better to be bold, be playful and have fun with her than wonder whether there was potential or not.