The Meaning Of Love
July 10, 2008 
68 Comments
How Do You Know When It’s Love?
By David Wygant
What does love mean to you? What is the definition of love? What do you feel like when you’re in love? What I’m really asking here is what is real love?
You know, it’s funny. Love has so many different angles, different sides and different feelings attached to it. There are also different kinds of love. There is romantic love and there is fantasy love.
To me, love is finding somebody with whom you just connect and with whom you are at total peace in every single way. Being at peace with someone in every single way happens in all different little ways.
It is holding hands with them as you walk down the street while still keeping your full identity.
It is sitting next to them on the airplane looking at them and watching them laugh, and realizing that their laughter really makes you smile.
It is watching them fall asleep and enjoying how they look curled up in a little ball on the bed all comfortable and warm.
It means protecting them when things aren’t good.
It is loving how their eyes light up when you do special things for them, like buying them a pair of earrings at a farmer’s market.
Love is about sharing yourself and about giving yourself freely to someone. Love is about really embracing the gift that somebody gives you.
Sometimes we’re not ready for that gift of love. Sometimes we’re not capable of giving back.
The moment you realize you love somebody, is the moment when you feel peace when you look at them and when you see yourself in them. It’s really nice to get to know somebody in every way and respect them.
There is no “one perfect person” in this world for anybody. There is no perfect relationship out there.
So if you find someone to whom you can truly relate, someone who really makes your heart go “thump thump,” and someone whom you think is the most beautiful person in the world to you every time you see them walk into a room, then that is the person with whom you should be spending the rest of your time. That is the person with whom you need to build a life.
Love has its ups and downs. Sometimes love may falter and then come back even stronger. Sometimes love loses faith in order to regain it stronger down the road.
What love is entirely without is judgment. You will never judge your lover for a journey they needed to take. You will never judge your lover for things that they need to do.
You just embrace your lover. You will always listen to your lover, because to truly love somebody is to understand where they’re at in their life, what they need to do, and how they need certain experiences.
When you find someone you truly love, things may not go in textbook order or work out according to plan. It may not work out at all for a period of time. If you realize you love someone, though, you better do everything in your power to make sure you never lose that person.
There is nothing worse than seeing someone you love walking down the street arm-in-arm with somebody else, and realizing that you lost that person because you let your ego or your stubbornness get in the way. That thought alone will drive you crazy forever and ever.
When you love somebody, you better embrace them before you lose them. What eventually happens in life if you someone and you’re not with them, is that they will find someone else to love them. So you better take hold of that love before it’s too late.
I thought I’d go a different route with all of you today, because the definition of love means so many different things to different people. So now I want to hear from you. What’s your definition of love? How do you feel when you’re in love? What type of love do you want to experience?
David,
I love how you describe how you can see glimpses of love in every day situations. I really like how you describe how it makes you feel…
But come on, man… I think you can go deeper than this ;p
What does love really mean to you?
It’s kinda funny but I wrote something about love last year on my MySpace blog:
Love?
It’s no surprise to people that I like to learn about social dynamics. I like to study the power play between people just as much as I like to look at how and if charisma can be created. Why do we like each other? Why do we fall in love with each other? Why are we friends with each other?
Yesterday, in my late night ponderings, I asked myself: “what is love? ”
I know there are many different kind of love out there but yesterday night, I wasn’t thinking about the lusting love that you feel when you have great sex. I’m not talking about that emotional bond after sex that makes you feel fulfilled, desired or accepted. I am not talking about the needy love either… that needy love you may feel for someone b/c you put them on a pedestal and you don’t respect yourself. I am talking about the DEEP love that you have for someone you care about, whether they love you back or not, whether they want you or not.
I wrote this down: “Love is when you open yourself so much to one another that you learn to see the beauty in one another’s despite our shortcomings and faults because deep deep down inside, we know we are all the same.”
I don’t know if that really makes sense. I don’t know if other people can understand the depth of what I see but it’s the kind of love that makes you see a spark of beauty in that special someone. Even in darkness when his/her inner flame is flickering, it’s the kind of love that makes you want to re-ignite and foster that spark well into eternity so that it can burst and shine even more brightly for all others to see what they failed to see in the first place.
Yes, I’m weird ;p
love?!?! what is that? all i know is lust!
Khiem
Great post!
Rey we need to talk more you have so much to learn!
Love is so complicated and yet so simple at the same time. It is that feeling of peace and contentment when after sex, you just want to hold on enjoy each other’s presence.
What is strange is how someone can feel love for you but still not be satisfied to be only with you. I just don’t understand it when a guy says he loves you so much but still cheats.
OK end of my rant.
But I love being in love and being loved
Instead of going on and on about what I think love is and isn’t, I will share my favorite monologue of all time. It sums it up beautifully.
First a little background. It’s from the film “Stardust.” It’s a fantasy film and Claire Dane’s character (Yvaine) is actually a fallen star who takes on the form of a human. She tells her true love (Tristan) how she feels about him for the first time in this monologue. Let go and watch it. I highly recommend it.
“You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn’t true. I know a lot about love. I’ve seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate… It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves… You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and… What I’m trying to say, Tristan is… I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I’d know it for myself. My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange – no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.”
The most amazing person I heard talking about love was master Dhyan Vimal. He spoke about the most general meaning of love – not just male and female – how you love yourself, others, the world, and so on…
What I found amazing about it was the simple fact that love is nowhere but inside us.
“If not, bottle it, sell it…” he said.
People move around as though love is something they will find or someone will provide for them, and only then, they will be happy. I guess we can blame Walt Disney and the prince/princess, happily-ever-after, fairy tales…lol
Seriously, we need to remind ourselves daily to be open to love, joy, happiness, etc. It’s something that comes from the inside out and not the other way around.
We probably hear this often, and it sounds corny, but it’s true: to really be loved by others we must love ourselves first (there are variations to this…).
I wish I was as good with words as you are, David.
Thanks for all the great posts,
D
May I?
Thank you:)
What is love? Your blog is a good opener, to ponder on more deeply.
It fits so perfectly for what happened to me today. Or what I did today. I just had a friend of mine over at my place, and we’ve been talking about life and love and respect for.. (let me count) 5 – 6 hrs. Her story short: her relationship with her ex ended after SIX years. (just a few weeks ago)She cheated on him twice.. and has now a completely different perception of (the world and) love..
She talked about physical love and emotional love…etc etc.
She also told me something I am still pondering on, and something I think will affect my ways of thinking. She finally managed to break up with her too nice, too naive boyfriend.. but she never told him that she had had sex with two different guys during their last year together. She said it was because she loved him and still cares about him that she didn’t want him to know. I believe she won’t ever tell him..
But here’s my take on love. I belive the meaning of love changes constantly for each individual. Feelings change constantly.. Or atleast, very often..
I mean, if you think about it, what ever happened to your “first” love? I had a major crush on this guy during my first year in high school.. and we got together when I started my second year.. but reality kicked in, and I soon found out we weren’t meant for each other. Still that feeling, which is called “love” by so many people, was there… what ever happened? The feelings changed.. into something else.. How does one know that? I felt at peace with him.. Still I never managed to SAY that to him, or let him know.. I was really confused about what love was at that time, because I didn’t know myself..but I knew it was love.. somehow. My heart acted all weird and crazy whenever he was around.. I wanted his attention, I respected him so much, and I wanted to be with him without saying anything.. It was tough, and now I realize it was not a “healthy” love, if there is such a thing. It wasn’t giving. We weren’t open with each other, because he’d never been with anyone before me and I was his first “love” ever.. But about the giving part.. He wasn’t open, and so I thought that that was how it was supposed to be.. you know? I didn’t know better myself, except that I had romantic feelings for him..
But they changed.. I don’t “love” him no more, but there probably are some feelings there, still..
Love as a CONCEPT is “abused”, it’s being used for other purposes than to share yourself and be loving.. that’s where we find people we love, who claim to love you back and yet cheat on you..But love itself I think is pure and hard to find:)
I read a book by Alice Walker two years ago, “You can’t keep a Good Woman down” (I recommend it!) in which she tells different stories of different, black, women..In one of the stories, there is a woman who divorces her husband of many, many years. Their marriage was a magical one, she said.. But her husband couldn’t handle/understand her.. She was the kind of person who never stopped loving a person. She would say she still loved another man, because she didn’t see any reason for denying your feelings..For her, love was feelings..
I believe it was something like that. MY point is; love is relative, because love is a feeling, and so the meaning is also relative.. I’ve seen it so many times, that I’ve come to this “conclusion”, weird as it is, that love is something you perceive differently according to experiences and the person you share your feelings with at the given time..
David, what you said about there being nothing worse than watching your loved one walking arm – in – arm with someone else..
Love isn’t always about HAVING your loved one..
I have to agree with Khiem – “I am talking about the DEEP love that you have for someone you care about, whether they love you back or not, whether they want you or not.”
Your love for the other person is FOR the other person, you know? You want with all your heart for the other person to be happy
Wow, my thoughts are REALLY messed up and incoherent =S But just thinking about love makes me cry
right now, because I think of all the meanings of love I’ve had up until today..
And so now I’m a little sad as well, because of all the things that has happened in my love life for the last couple of years..
Yet I still believe in love.. Not the concept, but the feeling, the true feeling
I have no expectations as to how my future is going to be.. Whether or not I will find the love of my life, but I know that I have those feelings inside of me.. for myself, initially and for other other people in my life as well.. and that I am completely ready to do something about those feelings.. not give them away per say, but do something about them that lets the other person KNOW that I have those feelings..because other people cannot feel my feelings inside of them, but they can acknowledge mine and in return do something about their own feelings that they have inside of themselves..
It’s late, I need to sleep now!
Thank you, David.
Some great replys today!!
Douglas you are pretty good with words from what I read from your post!!
Good stuff I really enjoyed all of your posts today!
Rey…
That’s why you’re my DAWG! Speakin’ the truth… lol.
I never expected that to come from you… but then again… I tend to get surprised every day… hahaha.
I met a woman for dinner last night. Just like the women I have meet for dinner many times in the past. But this time it was different. The time passed so fast and I found I was saying things I would not say. She looked at me like she knew me before. We went for a walk on the beach after dinner and sat in the sand. I asked her if I could kiss her and she said yes. The sound of the waves disappeared and I got lost in the feel of her lips and the touch of her hand on my cheek. I was so moved I started to cry. I think that this is what love feels like when it starts.
Love? Connecting with a person, being happy in each otherz presence, missing her when she isnt around and doing everything u can to make her happy.
Love is a great feeling….
Love…an expansion of our animal instincts to nuture and protect those in our world – starting with #1 and working out from there.
As humans though, we exercise a lot of control and discretion over who is in our world. Everyone’s filter for letting people into their lives is a reflection of where they have been and where they want to go…we are looking for traveling partners, be they lovers, friends, or family.
Finding love…finding in another person what we are looking for…but feared we would never find. and it is a constant game of questioning…is this person what i think they are? can it be?
Loving…having someone with whom you are free to be who you really are – even on the points where you fall dramatically short of who you want to be or who they wish you were. and vice versa. this balance is in jeopardy as we learn and change and grow and find new directions.
Losing love…realizing that your traveling partner is headed somewhere you don’t want to go…whether it’s because you’ve changed or because I’ve changed, we are no longer going to the same place. One of us is being left behind. It’s like following somone in rush hour traffic in an unfamiliar city with no cell phone…a sense of being disconnected and at sea with no compass.
Love is the vital force which helps us go on but overcoming the intense feeling that we are alone and small in a frantic dangerous world. That’s one reason we need self love (or God’s love – one or the other) so desparately…so when we are alone with ourselves, we don’t feel so alone…we are still loved.
I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T PROOF READ WELL ENOUGH. CORRECTIONS IN CAPS…
…unfamiliar city with no cell phone AND LOSING SIGHT OF THEM…a sense of being disconnected and at sea with no compass.
AND
Love is the vital force which helps us go on BY (NOT BUT) overcoming the intense feeling that we are alone and small…
Are you in love David? Aww.
Hi David the Guru,
I really love your all your blogs and i keep reading and understand deeply.
Today blogs about Love and it’s really awesome!!!
Oh Ya.. do you guys heard before this song title Love Changes Everything??from Climie Fisher.
This song is awesome.
Here we go again.
Seems to me someone should be learning about actual human nature and what is hard wired mating behavior and recognize what that whole menstrual cycle business is all about.
The articles posted on yahoo were so factually ignorant and uneducated it’s no surprise why people have no idea what’s going on with them when it comes to mating.
Until you properly understand how you function and why you function that way, and that you’re not the master of the universe but a sexually reproductive animal, your relationships will be degraded by ignorance.
Maybe love is just our fantasy version of the person in front of us ;p
This entry made me cry! I feel that exact way about someone I know, the only trouble is that he is married. I know he has feelings for me, because whenever we’re together, even when his wife is around it’s like we’re the only two people in the room. He is not happy with his wife, he has made this clear to me on several occasions, however, I’m afraid to take that next step and so is he. I know he has feelings for me, I’ve seen him stare at me and watch me, his eyes light up whenever he sees me and mine do the same. I want to talk to him and tell him how I feel but then I talk myself out of it. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever embarked on. When you’re in love you know-your body tells you. I was just thinking about this the other day. I feel a strong emotional bond with him, I’ve never felt this way about a man before. I thought I could live without anyone, but I don’t want to live without him. I used to only care about money and what it could buy but now the only thing that matters to me is that he is alive and well. I don’t like what I’ve become, but this is something I can’t ignore.
Dear Beatrix,
The guy is married (fullstop).
me and khiem were walking in beverly today, and i realized true love is: a full length mirror!
p.s how are you doing brad?
Reynold, that was some serious deep sh**
Khiem, what a seemingly “casual” statement after your very deep comment
PS: Reynold, you asked me whether we had some (hot) Norwegian TV stars, right? Here’s two links for you, if you will:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS1_6hEsz1Y
(that’s from the most hated and loved Norwegian tv show.. Hotel Caesar..)
http://www1.nrk.no/nett-tv/klipp/314433
)
(not to be cocky or anything, but this link is from when I was interviewed on National Television here in Norway, broadcasted on a channel called NRK1.. My real name is Amrita.. you’ll see me when my interview parts are shown.. You probably won’t understand what we’re saying..
Have a nice day!
Love is great, but… it doesn’t last… It always ends when you least expect it… O,well…
Reynold, that was hilariously deep.. in a very simple way:)
PS: Reynold, you asked me whether we had some (hot) Norwegian TV stars, right? Here’s two links for you, if you will:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS1_6hEsz1Y
(that’s from the most hated and loved Norwegian tv show.. Hotel Caesar..)
http://www1.nrk.no/nett-tv/klipp/314433
)
(not to be cocky or anything, but this link is from when I was interviewed on National Television here in Norway, broadcasted on a channel called NRK1.. My real name is Amrita.. you’ll see me when my interview parts are shown.. You probably won’t understand what we’re saying..
Have a nice day!
(my original comment is awaiting moderation, probably because of a swear word i’ve discretly written in it
but ignore that one)
hehe JustMe thanks for linking me these vids that i would have never found on my own!
But i still don’t know who you are! there were a lot of people being interviewed, for all i know you can be the lady in black hair or the big muslim dude with a turban =P and i’m just curious, how did someone from norway stumble upon david’s website?
Hehe, i’m the one interviewed in the cafeteria at my university (University of Oslo)
(hm, nr two i think)
I’m the one with the white jacket, and the one with the curly hair..(dude, i’m a girl)
It says so on the top of the screen.. “Amrita Kaur”… that’s me
hmm, i’m the one with the piercing in my nose
well, ever since i started the whole dating/relationship/love thing… i’ve always been curious on what/how men think, advice on dating/relationship, psychology etc. so i googled and found some great websites.. and i also tend to read MSN articles, sometimes.. when i’ve nothing else to do.. and that’s where i found david’s site.. he was quoted
and then i found this blog, and started reading it without actually reading about David, to find out who he is and what he does.. but i’ve done that now..
yes!
PS: I’m not a muslim, I’m..not very religious, but my family is Sikh..
haha very interesting, never thought someone will know david’s blog before knowing who he is : )
Love to me means acceptance.
The scariest thing or the thing that i fear the most is loneliness. People are the most weakest when they are alone – that’s when they are not strong. I feel that’s when people aren’t confident or weak is because they can’t accept who they are or people can’t accept who they are. (They don’t love themselves)
I think someone loves me when they accept for the good things that i do, and the bad things that i did. And same for the person who I love, I accept everthing good or bad about them, and understand why they’re like that.
I also think it’s important to accept yourself. You have to accept/believe what you got, and what you dont. Which means (in my definition) you have to love yourself. I think when you accept yourself, you feel good about yourself.
Well, that’s my definition of love
hehe..yea, well.. purely coincidential I would say. I’m just very curious and I read a lot.
India is too conservative and messed up due to a cultureclash happening there between “western” culture vs. “eastern” culture… or Asian… and Norway is such a introvert country.. while USA seems like a “warm” country, if you know what I mean?
you know, the dating “culture” here in Norway is a lot different than from what I get the impression of is in the U.S.. you guys seem very open..
Sometimes I feel like such a misfit here
At first I thought David was just another PUA “guru”
heck, I didn’t even know anything worth mentioning about PUA.. until a friend of mine started telling me about it..
Tuan,
What you said is so beautiful !!!
Tuan,
That was a great comment.
JustMe,
I’m always casual… even in my deepest thoughts.
I’ve tried to look at your videos… for some reason, I can’t see the video. I’ll get the audio but no picture is showing. Too bad.
Hmm..which video can’t you see?
Yea, too bad
I sit here at 02:22 reading this blog and couldn’t help but to send it to my booboo whom i have only started seeing for less than a week. With tears of happiness, peace, joy and contentment i had to pour my heart out because i have never felt this strongly before about other men in my life.
I have loved but now i know there are different types of love for different relationships and for different individuals involved. My last true love was with the father of child and i tot that was the ultimate love but i tot wrong as i have met someone who completes me i repeat he completes me. I am so happy to love him and feel loved, this is the type of love that even if he has a nasty flaw i would stick with him.
Love can’t can quantified and so it can’t be explained as i said earlier different relationship, different people. For me, it’s all about Happiness, yes Happiness and any body capable of creating that for me is not only my lover but my father, my brother, my best friend and my mother.
Thank you Daygee for coming into my life when i wasn’t looking for love cos i tot i had it all. Thank you for making me feel completely free with you where there are no lies and nothing but honesty all through, bcos our relationship is based on trust and honesty that i respect it and i respect it.
This blog has put a revelation or more of an explanation to wat true love is because love knows no wrong nor right.
Thank you
Ray4u
Its real..I agree with most posts here. I didnt think there was a person out there who I would ever feel this way about- and its so mutual. Being in love is the greatest most satisfying thing I’ve ever experienced. When we’re with each other, its like nothing else matters. Being a guy in my mid-30′s, I almost settled. However, now, I’ve finally found what my heart was (unknowingly) yearning for. I now believe in true love, beyond what I thought existed. I’m not even a romantic, however, I have reached a part of our humanity that is indescribable and I am relieved to learn that its not a myth.
I’m sad to report that we can’t be together right now, however, I think its a matter of timing, and I am willing to wait it out. Its worth it.
Pursue the love when you’re able, cause there may be a time when you don’t have such a wonderful choice. The window of opportunity is only open for so long. Take a chance all. Don’t settle for medicocre relationships, aka people who just aren’t right for you and don’t adore you. I have learned that this leads to misery and wasted years. If two individuals are truly in love and they don’t endanger others by being with each other, I think that few sadder things exist than not being together. Its incredible how much we put in front of true love. If its mutual, don’t let that happen…be creative, take a chance, find a way.
Is is really love when you cant let go of someone when they treat u bad and yet u put up with everything they do to u, is that really love. Or is it being stubborn, naive and weak. I have been with my bf for 4yrs and he used to show me he loved and I kind of became rebellious with him like doing things with the girls just because i wasnt married to him and now he pushes me away, he tells me not to move on but he doesnt show me he loves me anymore either, we are apart right now and over the phone he always ignores me shuts me down and in person he is different. Why? if he does love me and doesnt want me to move on then why does he ignore me and shut me down on the phone?
What love is to me:
Love is:
Adoring all there is
Looking into each other’s eyes and feeling as though you are home
Holding hands and feeling truly connected to your core
Smiling from your heart
Knowing the perfect gift
Being annoyed but overlooking it because in the end it doesn’t matter
Crying because you feel closer in that moment than you’ve ever felt to anyone, ever
Running your hands through their hair or massaging their back because they need it
A shared glance that is mutually understood
Laughing together until it hurts
Learning all the deep (and sometimes dark) crevices
Caring about and remembering what matters, even the little things
Sharing and working through the hard stuff
Being angry, yet coming back to heal together
Intuitively knowing when they’re thinking about you
Forgiving no matter what
Being real, genuine, authentic and loving each other anyway
Wanting and deserving the best from each other
Reliable comfort and warmth when it’s hard and cold outside
Kissing with your heart and soul
Acceptance for who and where we are
Their touch is electric and healing
The ability to hug the hurt away
Missing each other when you’re apart
Respect, kindness and honesty…always
Understanding when no one else does
Best friends forever
When you aren’t with that person a part of you is missing
Helping each other along our own, unique, individual path so we don’t feel so alone
so i have read pieces of your work and fell in live immediatly… no pun intended. i have been in a relationship for over a year now and still thing everything you say is so true and shows that some guys do know what life, or at least relationships are all about. i love all of your work but this is totally one of my all time favroites. if love can be described, you hit the bulls eye.
I have honestly felt that I could no longer feel love, or if I even felt love before. Going through all sorts of relationships can bring a person down to almost no hope. I was almost in that state until I met my present boyfriend.
I have learned a lot in my past relationships and have gotten the idea of what men want out of a relationship, and what kind of woman that they are looking for. I try to give advice to younger girls who become very attached to their boyfriends and become jealous over the smallest things.
I now go on blogs and give advice to people who are giving up on love.
some advice like this:
Please try to keep a good relationship strong by having patience with each other and avoiding any way to bring the other down. Do not argue about useless and trivial things that won’t matter to you later on. Try hard to not say or do something you will regret in the heat of the moment.
I always thought I had bad luck in relationships because I used to have a lot of arguments over nothing at all! I realized that I can avoid ruining this relationship that I have now by avoiding useless arguments, by accepting his opinions as he would to mine, by restraining myself from doing anything in the heat of the moment, and by not being too pushy or attached. Guys like girls who are independent, and guys like girls whom they can rely on and trust.
For those who are “trying” to fall in love:
You shouldn’t try to fall in love because it is something that comes naturally and almost unexpectedly; although, you should try not to restrain yourself from it, you can miss out on opportunities.
How to know if you are in love or not?:
If your feelings for your partner are different than for any other person, and if no other guy/girl appeals to you like your partner does, you’re getting there. Look at them, and at every little detail and think about how much you appreciate every thing about them, it will spark up a feeling in your heart. If you think about any thing they do for you that makes you happy and you feel that spark in your heart then you know you love them, if you don’t, dont worry, maybe you’re just getting there. You can’t really take other people’s advice about how you’re supposed to feel because everyone is different. You’ll know in time.
For a person looking for a relationship that does not have to be just for sex (especially teens):
You should start talking to people, take the relationship as just friends to start with. Jumping into relationships rushes things and a relationship where no talk is involved becomes a physical relationship and that is where the “just sex” couples happens. You can even talk to your crush, or gf and tell her that you want to take things kind of slow and not have a complete physical relationship, and if she is not ok with that, then it is not worth it. But of course, when I say a non-physical relationship, I mean you can still hug and kiss and make out. But when all you do is have sex with each other every time you see each other is when it goes badly. Try having something in plan, something fun like riding bikes, going to the ocean, hiking, going out to eat or see a movie, it will let you have more together time with out all the sex stuff.
Talk a lot about both your interests and learn a lot about each other. If she likes a certain food, make it for her and give it to her to surprise her, it will spice things up in the relationship and make things happier for the both of you. talk, talk, talk! If you don’t, you can miss important things and arguments will happen. Have hope! At least one good relationship happens to every person in this world full of 6.7 billion people. Good luck! and you can keep asking me for advice, I’m happy to give it to those in need.
I am only 18 years old, and I most likely have a lot more to learn.
I am not afraid to take risks and learn from my mistakes, I will only be able to improve future relationships in this way.
I will gladly take anyone’s advice.
PS: Douglas was in every way correct in what he said.
A lot of problems in a relationship are caused because of the lack of love of yourself:
Lack of self-confidence, jealousy, and petty arguments.
You can only see true love if you love yourself first and show some self-respect to yourself.
I don’t believe it’s true love when you let other people walk all over you and take advantage of you while at the same time, tell you they love you.
first of all,I would like to say “good job” in your blog. It is really an eye opener for people and most likely to me. So, I will try to answer your questions:
For me, love is a special feeling that makes you comfortable or at ease with someone; you understand each other without losing your own identity. When I fall in love, I feel very happy and I feel that I am really a woman/girl/lady. I really don’t know why but this is how I usually feel when I fell in love. Last, the type of love that I want to experience is that the kind of love that two lovers share as if they are friends yet they are more than that.
Now, I have questions of my own. How do you know that the one that you are with now is “the one”? Or the person that you will meet will be that one whom you want to spend your life with? What should you do so that you won’t lose your own identity within the relationship?
Is it normal to loose some of the “love” you had for someone if you found out that they don’t “love” you?
For Khiem: It is not good to let people walk all over you. But there is a difference between self-less and weak. In love, you should put the other person before you, although in most relationships, it is the opposite. If your partner takes advantage of your kind and forgiving personality, they are no good. All you would need to do is find someone who is kind and forgiving too.
You never really know who “the one” is until you realize that you have no problem living with that person for the rest of your life, and the feeling is mutual. The person that you love can never be “the one” if they do not feel the same way about you because it would be like chasing a dream, and not getting to have it.
The only way to know if your partner is ‘the one’ is by looking ahead in the future and feeling no regret, or hesitation, in spending the rest of your life with them. Everyone gets scared of thinking about marriage, and feel like they would miss the single life, but if you feel like you wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, and that your loved one is entirely good enough for you, (and especially if there is nothing major that you do not like about them) you know that they could possibly be “the one.”
To not lose your identity within a relationship you have to keep being yourself! You shouldn’t change yourself for anyone, unless you were a piercing addict and you wanted to go to Harvard. Otherwise, if your partner really loved you, they would accept you for who you are, for everything that you are, even for your flaws. It sounds like a cliche, but it is true. When you fall in love with someone, you look past the flaws that they have and end up loving them for those flaws. They are little things that make that person special, and different than anyone else.
To S: If you love someone and find out that they don’t love you back, it’s a natural instinct to back away or restrain yourself from them. You can’t make them love you, so there is nothing else you can do. The only thing to do if you love someone and they do not love you back, is having to gradually get over it.
It is damn hard to do, but it is possible.
About being treated badly in a relationship where you love your partner: It would be real love on your part if you loved everything about that person, with the exception of being treated badly. It is an unhealthy relationship if one loves the other, but the other doesn’t show love at all. Love is a feeling, not a saying. Even if your partner says he/she loves you yet treats you badly, they are not doing anything to show that they love, respect, or care about you. You only have a couple of choices; you can either be weak and continue with the mistreatment, you could talk to them and try to work things out, or you can walk away. You should most likely talk to them first, and if they agree with you yet they keep on treating you badly, or if they don’t agree with you at all, your only option is to walk away. If you stay in an unhealthy relationship, you can be used to the verbal/physical abuse, or neglect, and you could harden your heart, making happiness in future relationships almost impossible.
Ellie maybe i’m just 18 and haven’t really have much experience with “love”.
But i don’t think one ever put anyone before themselves, maybe temporarily due to compassion, but in the end i think we should always put ourselves in front of everything.
i also believe love is always in the moment, not in the future, because that is the only moment we are certain of what it is, we can never tell someone is “the one” in the future ( even thought we like to assume they are
)
But we know they are “the one” we want to be with right “now” and this moment. And that is the only thing we are 100% sure about.
Ellie,
You are a very deep person and I really enjoy your comments but I think you contradict yourself a bit.
You wrote: “To not lose your identity within a relationship you have to keep being yourself”… and to do that, you need to have self-respect for yourself and know where your boundaries lie. When you have self-respect for yourself, you don’t let people walk all over you UNLESS you choose to.
When you do things for the person you love out of choice and you do it from a position of personal power, that’s where genuine “real” love develop. You are CHOOSING to love that person.
I guess you and I are saying a little bit of the same thing. You differentiante selfless love and weak love and I totally agree with you. You can’t do things out of love based on the idea that you VALUE the other person more (aka you are being weak) and therefore you do something for them without regards to your own well-being.
You can put the other person ahead of yourself ONLY if you willingly choose to create an exchange of power that is mutually beneficial to the both of you.
So depending on how you look at it, I would disagree with your quote “
Oh but you must understand, you certainly cannot put anyone before yourself in a relationship. Honestly, no one can put someone they have just started dating before themselves. You can only do this for someone you can honestly trust, and someone that you have no doubt about.
Putting someone you hardly know before you is naive, and that is when you become weak.
I am only giving some tips, and not a ‘love bible’ to follow, and I appreciate getting tips myself.
Feelings for your loved one in the present, and while looking into the future, can change.
In that case, how can there ever be real successful marriages?
Elise: It is true that you should not put somebody before you in a relationship because if you do there is a tendency that you will really lose your identity and become dependent on the other. In my opinion, I think it is really good to be friends with the one you are dating for the first few months. And hopefully there will be no any sexual activities within these months because everything changes when you do that. This is just my opinion as a woman and is based on my experience.
I know that having sexual intimacy with the person you love can be a “measurement” if you are really compatible with each other or not. However, there are also certain things that we need to consider like if you are really into this person and vice versa; if your feelings for this one is really true; if you have the same values and principles in life, etc…
I don’t know about you guys but I do hope I could get a feedback on this one. I would really appreciate it if you give more advices about love… because I have a few questions of my own too.
Elise,
You get successful marriages by focusing one day at a time. Having a direction for the marriage is great to allow the couple to work together towards something but HAPPY marriages are built one moment at a time. You can only do that by being grateful of every moment you have together… with no expectations for the future.
When you live like that, you allow yourself to be surprised by the beautiful times you will have ahead with each other.
Silver,
As a guy, I prefer to build the friendship AND the physical connection at the same time. Obviously, you don’t want to jump the gun and rush into sex if you aren’t sure about the guy you are dating…
But for me, I get a good sense of whether I will get along with someone pretty quickly. It’s a vibe thing… it’s chemistry. So if I decide to date you, I don’t want to make the emotional connection completely separate from the physical connection.
Both are important to me. When you separate them, you tend to put one before or after the other… and for me, anything serious will need both.
As far as your love questions, ask away. We are here to help
I agree with Silver that both the suxual and the emotinal part of a relationship are important and should grow at the same rate because both are a important part of a relationship. You have to love the personality of your partner, but your not going to want to faithful to someone who cant satisfy you sexually.
As for marrage you have to both live in the present but also be looking to the future. Your present creates your future and your future is what you are working on.
I think with love and know if you love someone or not is if they compleate you. if you think you love someone and you go 3 days with out spending time with them, do you miss them and think alot about them? do you just feel happy and content wile there around? Do you care about them so much that you would be willing to give up your life for theirs?
like Elise i am young only 17 but have been in a good relationship for over a year now and feel like my life will never be the same again with out him. and i just think everything even all the small things that make up a relationship are sooo important.
Khiem: Thanks for your comment and I can see the light from your part. But I didn’t tell that you need to separate the two. What I mean is you need to know more the person you are dating before you go into something that is really intimate. If you feel that you are ready to have this kind of relationship to your partner, then go on. I know that love + intimacy come hand in hand. However, at the same time, know your partner well… I really want to know more about your side. I would be really glad.. I think, based on what I went through, the relationship didn’t last well because we lack communication and we lost a part of ourselves within the relationship. I am just hoping that I won’t experience this when I am going to date someone again… I think it was my fault also that I went through this relationship even though at the start I knew it won’t work.
Hope to hear from you guys sooner!
Amanda, you are really lucky! I have been in relationships since I was 15 and most of them were not any good. The good relationships that I have had ended because of me, so I gained a lot form my mistakes.
I’m trying really hard to make this relationship work. and I have no expectations on this one for the future, I’m just living it out every day like the advice you guys have given me. In that way, I can never be disappointed. Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.
Amanda and Ellie: It is good that you had relationships at an early age. You got matured and learned a lot from your past relationships. I, on the other hand, only got into a “real” relationship when I was older. So, I am really new into this kind of thing; though, I do have my own principles and beliefs when it comes to love because I have been observing people, read books, watch shows and learned from the stories my friends and family had told me. At least, you do know what you want in a relationship and what should a relationship be… in reality. Me? I think I’m still on the “ideal” stage of a relationship… I just hope that I will meet someone who would not take advantage of my “innocence”.
At an early age, I was on the ideal stage of a relationship. Even a couple of months ago I was still on that stage, before I got out of serious relationship. I was dating a guy that was 21 years old. He thought about marriage, and I thought about college and partying. Although I was willing to stay with him (he wanted to marry me in 4 years), maybe even marry him, until I “came back” to reality and realized that I was only 17, and I did not want to be married so early. It was pretty hard for me to end that relationship, but the fact that he was very controlling helped me realize that it was not what I wanted. My film teacher inspired me to end the relationship after watching “The Graduate” and after making a speech to the class about how we think we have found “The One” when we are young, but that they usually never turn out to be the one. I am not sure if we really do ever find ‘the one’ but maybe there are a lot of them, maybe it just depends on who we choose to be with and at what period of time. Now that I have gone through that relationship, I am not planning anything further than finishing college.
But it doesn’t mean I can’t have some nice relationships without regrets. (o:
Hahahaha!!! Yes! You have to finish college first before you go into that kind of committment. Even though that there’s divorce or annulment, it is not good to go into that one. Marriage is a one in a lifetime event in a person’s life that you should do this if you are really ready for it and found “the one” for you. My ex asked me to marry him in front of a friend. Out of the blue. I declined his offer of course because I know I am not ready for it and I wanted to make sure if he was really “the one” for me or not… now I know he isn’t.
Will I ever find “the one” for me? Just a thought…
Love. Fascinating yet complex word. Im a firm believer in unconditional love however after 2 long relationships i had also learned that for relationships to work love needs to be at the same DEEP UNCONDITIONAL giving level and goals for each other…..I also learned that loves matures, changes its ways and sometimes (oddly enough) can become reserved, cautious. I can say i have loved unconditionally in the past, felt all the sparks, uncontrolable heart beats, experienced sinergy at its best and thought nobody in this world was feeling as good as I was when around that person. With time i can exrience, love has a different turn, feeling, angle, twist and maturity in my heart. Love have different phases in our lives.
While I still feel all the sparks, uncontrolable heart beats, etc…now I’m more in content and phasing down emotions, feelings, responses and reactions of my love. It is more like streching out all those beautiful feelings and enjoying every second of it. Bottom line is that as long as we experience the journey of love and evolve with it, love is the greatest feeling our hearts can hold, nurture and manifest for another person. It is much better to say that I had loved than to say I never did…The beauty of love is such extensive that applies to almost any kind of realtionship there is…it just have different spark depending of the type of relationship(s).
Love deep and unconditionally, free yourself with happiness and enjoy every bit of it…..
M
I have to say that this article really touched me. It made me realize that even though I haven’t heard those magic words from my boyfriend, that’s no reason to not want to be with him. We’ve only been dating for 5 months, and for me, that seems like a long time, because I’ve only ever had one relationship last that long, even though I’m 28. So, yes, I’ve told my guy that I love him, and no, he hasn’t said it back. But in looking at our relationship, I realize that he behaves as if he loves me, and he treats me like he loves me, or at least cares about me deeply. And he’s told me he plans on us being together for a long time. So I’m just trying not to worry about not having heard those words from him, and just focusing instead on the fact that he treats me incredibly well and with great respect. The words will come later.
Silver,
I always wonder… When man say I want to find “the one” what do they mean?
Have you seen the movie Sex and The City lately?
One day the day the guy said, “I like you, but I don’t think you are that “one” for me. A year they met again and got married!
How does anyone can know that the woman is that one?
Jessica,
Hi! We are almost the same age or I’m a year younger than you. When a person says “You are the one”, it means that he/she already found the right person to spend the rest of their lives with. I haven’t seen the movie Sex and the City but I heard about it. There are events in life that at the start you aren’t sure if the person you are with now will be the same person that you will spend eternity with. In the case of Sarah Jessica Parker’s character, the guy wasn’t sure that she was the one or didn’t realize yet. But after a year’s separation, maybe the guy realized that she was really the one for him. In real life, sometimes, it is true. I’m not really sure about it though.
As for your case, saying the 3 important and heavy words to your guy, I think you are just being honest. But I just hope that you won’t get too deep into the feeling because we don’t know what will happen in the future. You are still waiting for him so say those words. I cannot say what’s on his mind. But maybe, you just have to give each other enough space on this matter. Just do your thing and he does his. Enjoy yourselves first… Do not wait for him to say it. If he really loves you, he will say it on the right time.
back to Silver, you said you didnt know your principals or belifs, I didnt either when i got into my relationship, actually i find all the time i run into thing that I would have never even thought about. One thing I have learned and i think is so important not to have too many expactations. live every day as it is and compramise. compramise and being able to be flexable with the person your in a relationship with is huge. and even if you dont think anything could happen in the beguinning, give things a chance, the first two months i was with my boyfriend, i just he was just a (excuse my language) fuck buddy.
Love is simply caring for and accepting another person unconditionally as is, even if that feeling isn’t necessarily returned. You want the best for that person. Lust is the sexual part of romantic love. Romantic love comes when we have feelings for a person whom does make our heart go thump thump and we are able to commit our feelings to that person.
The only problem I have with freeing myself to love unconditionally, without boundaries, is that when hurt, it feels worse than if I had some kind of preparation from it. I never hold myself back from loving someone, but I remind myself, that in case of a break-up, I will be all right, and that I can survive, and I don’t completely attach to my significant other because 1: guys don’t like clingy girls, and 2: By having some kind of independence, I won’t fall hard in case of a break-up. My quote is in most cases you should “hope for the best but expect the worse.” seek the best in anything, but don’t let yourself be disappointed easily.
honestly, right now… I’m thinking if I ever will find the #1.
No one is perfect, and I have to realize that I can’t always go looking for that ‘perfect guy’ because I’d set myself up for a whole lot of disappointments. By going for guys who fit my “perfect” criteria, I will only be missing out on some good relationships. no one is who they seem to be at first.
Amanda: yes, I do understand what you are trying to say. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting anything from my ex. I didn’t just understand why he told me (when he broke up with me) that he can’t give or reach the expectations that I had with him. This really bothered and bothers me. I don’t know if I had set standard unconsciously (or he wasn’t just the one) or he was just making any excuses. At the start, he told me that we don’t have to expect anything from each other and I agreed with him. Maybe I was losing myself within the relationship by that time.. Anyways, if we really are meant for each other, no matter what, we’ll be together in the end. But if not, that’s okay. I would prefer to start a new beginning with someone who really loves me as me. No expectations. I just hope that he (my future one) and I would learn from each other and will accept each other’s flaws.
Thanks for the post
I recently saw this website in my bookmarks and decided to go back and check out this post. Two years later, standing by the words I said above, I now find myself engaged to the boyfriend I mentioned in my posts. We’re getting married in October. It has been tough.. but our relationship is only getting better.
(: