One topic that people seem to ask me to talk about over and over again is the issue of “the friend zone.” People especially want to know how to avoid getting into the friend zone (especially when they are out on a date).
Asking that question alone means that you need to take a good look at your mindset. Think about that question: How do I avoid the friend zone when I am out on a date? Look at what you just said to yourself.
You’re out on a date with a woman. She is not looking at you as a friend if she accepted the date from you in the first place.
The fact that you have this concern, however, shows that you are going into your dates with the energy of being a friend. This means that you are playing it safe.
It means that you are really not expressing your desires, feelings and emotions. You are basically in your head during the entire date, just being a “good guy” and probably agreeing with everything she says.
By playing it safe, though, you get exactly what you fear the most. You get put in the friend zone.
Guys ask me all the time how they can “escalate” with a woman. I can’t stand pickup terminology like that. Escalate? Are you an escalator? Are you going up an escalator? Are you a plane taking off from LAX heading off escalating into the sky? But I digress . . .
Regardless of the terminology, when you’re out on a date it’s all about your mindset and how you interact with the woman. It’s all about your eye contact, your smile and touching her had across the table as she’s telling a story.
It’s about letting yourself go and just being yourself so she’s able to become attracted to you. It’s so hard for people to just let go.
If you do nothing on a date except think and think and think, then guess what? You will never create any type of sexual attraction, because women will see that you are in your own head. When you’re totally in your own head, you can’t get into her heart.
So, how do you do this? How do you stay out of your own head, tap into your emotions and just let go?
You must stay present. You listen to her stories. You smile. You hold her hand if you feel like holding her hand.
There is no right or wrong time to hold somebody’s hand. You do it when you feel it.
Here is a great exercise to do to learn how to tap into your emotions. Get a friend and tell them how you feel about them. Describe what it feels like to be friends with them.
Describe what it feels like to be friends with yourself. Describe what it feels like to really reach deep inside yourself and see who you really are.
When I was single and went on dates, I was never in my own head. I used to just relax, enjoy myself and never thought about whether the woman was turned on by me. I only wondered whether I was turned on by her. If I felt like kissing her at the end of the date, I did so because we had connected as people.
You all know what it’s like to connect with people. You connect with friends, family and co-workers.
It is no different to connect with someone of the opposite sex. It takes being present. It takes enjoying. It takes letting go.
If you do all of those things, you won’t be in the friend zone. You’ll be in the lover zone.
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1:48 pm
Lately I was on a date with this woman, I was so into my head. I could not be present. I was thinking, what whould be my next move, what should I do to kiss her, to escalate!
She was on the miss of the czech republic competetion years ago so I was kind of nervous and not being truly there. A BIG lesson for me though.
Its just funny that being present solves everything. Great blog David
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4:46 pm
Man this is so true. Lately I’ve been in my head so much. I know its wrong but I do it anyways.
Lately I’ve been frustrated by not getting a date but I think its because I havent been completely open and havent talked to at least 5 people every day. The girl I like in school doesn’t respond back. The girls I call never return the calls or texts. It sucks. But maybe I’m just having a bad day.
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5:02 pm
Thanks for this one too, David. I had been wondering what was the proper mindset on these situations. Now, I’m aware that women can feel where you’re coming from the whole time (must be that famous sixth sense of theirs lol).
I live a lot in my head, and I have to admit that I had wanted to be more affectionate to girls, but restrained myself. Only after reading these blogs for a while, I have realized that women respond to affection.
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5:12 pm
How would you even know if you are in the friend zone??? I mean I have friends that are girls but I don’t know if they are even in the friend zone. I mean I have their numbers and all but I flirt with them but in a kind of friendly way.
Another thing is how do you know if the girl is flirting with you or if she’s just like that? The type of girl that is really outgoing and talks to everyone and likes to laugh. She is a cool girl but how do you know if she’s flirting back??
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5:14 pm
Mario-
great to see you on here.
looking forward to have you more often.
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5:15 pm
I love this paragraph its so fuckin hysterical…..
“Guys ask me all the time how they can “escalate” with a woman. I can’t stand pickup terminology like that. Escalate? Are you an escalator? Are you going up an escalator? Are you a plane taking off from LAX heading off escalating into the sky? But I digress . . .”
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5:17 pm
Mario- Please except my sincere welcome to the party on this crazy world of DW and the crew.
Where are you from bro?
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5:19 pm
I aiming this year to be in the lover zone more often:)
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5:19 pm
Clint-
Its very funny paragraph totally agree.
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5:21 pm
Clint-
yes you can aim but more importantly aim to be relax around her, be present and create deep connection, and the rest of the puzzle will fall in its right place.
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5:21 pm
Yes i like how you said it Jacob. Maybe i should’t aim at the out come but aim at the process, thats deep.
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5:25 pm
Mario-
Forgot to mention this…..
yes its a numbers game.
at the same time let go of all outcome, but focus at the process of mastery of your life.
some women will be attracted to you and some just will not.
ask yourself? are you attracted to the person that you have become? do you honestly love yourself fully?
b/c in the end if you don’t love yourself fully, no women can ever give you that love.
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5:35 pm
Slavaaaaaaaaaaaaa:
You will have to share her pic.
but ya its so easily to get caught up with the monkey chatter in our head all b/c of peoples credentials and looks.
this monkey chatter is not something we are born with, its something that is taught and its going around the circle, its a awful disease.
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5:36 pm
Clint-
Actually I’m a part of the members group but I havent posted here that much. Im 16 and I live in Laredo, Texas.
Jacob. I have to change my mindset to the one that I’m the gift. I still havent been able.
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5:39 pm
Diego R+R
Their 6th sense is scary sometimes when you are not really speaking from your heart, they tell you it right in your face:)
Have you ever truly expressed to a woman how you felt about her?
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5:44 pm
Mario: wow you are only 16 man! i wish i knew about this when i was 16, you are so ahead of the curve man, lets say so ahead of most 16 years old i know.
I wish my nephew was like you, some reason he doesn’t talk about girls, i think his parents have turned him into a super ultra video game nerd:)
maybe i will have him come to this blog sometimes.
i’m thinking about joining the members group? how do you like it?
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5:59 pm
Yea man do it. It will help you so much. I can say I have improved from last year thanks to all the coaches, the calls, the blog. Its so worth it man. Although I still havent gotten a date though its okay. I quite don’t know why I haven’t gotten a date yet. It’s weird.
But yea the I’m doing things that I would of never done by myself.
I have told girls how they really are and I understand how girls work. It quite funny.
But anyway just join it man.
Jacob what can i do in order to change my mindset?
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6:03 pm
Coach Jacob, I have never expressed my complete feelings to a woman.
The most I’ve done is writing songs about it, but never face to face.
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6:22 pm
Diego,
You really need to learn to let yourself out to a woman. When you do, the connection becomes more intense.
Women look for that raw desire and passion in men. Obviously they look for in in all your behaviors but when you can confront her and share with her how you really feel, it becomes amazing.
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6:24 pm
Slava,
For me to get out of my head when I’m on a date, I start focusing on her instead of myself. Instead of thinking when to escalate, I think about finding out what her inner beauty is. I look for how I can show how much I appreciate the kind of woman she is.
And when I do, I myself get turned on by thinking of her being the beautiful woman she really is… and when she feels that from me, “escalation” just happens.
Let the lover out of you boys!
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6:32 pm
When do I know that girl is getting tired of too many questions.? Or if your being needy??
I have this problem where I don’t know if im trying to be too funny or too clownish so girls are sometimes tired of me. So how can I know when this is happening? Also how do I know when the attraction is gone or when they are flirting back to you?
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6:35 pm
Mario,
Don’t worry about whether the attraction is gone yet or not. If they flirt with you, it’s good. That means they enjoy your company.
If you want more than just flirting, you have to lead her to more… by actually taking her out… or hanging out with her more often.
As far as when are you asking too many questions… well that’s a feeling you’ll need to develop. Usually you can tell by whether you feel it’s time for you to talk or not.
As a guideline, i’d like to say that I like to go between 2-4 layers down in the conversation (going deeper) before I relate and share a story of my own.
You really don’t want to joke around all the time. You want to tease or relate once you actually have something to tease or relate about.
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6:45 pm
Hey coach Khiem/Ken-
whats going on?
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6:47 pm
relate as in me sharing some kind of point of view in her story??
Remember the Trust issue girl? Well I was telling her how she was passive-aggressive and I think I came off to strong. Maybe like a teacher telling the student what to do.
2-4 layers??
By hanging out I hanged out with this girl and her ex boyfriend was there. I just couldn’t get any alone time except at the end. We were in the bowling alley and it was just me and her and her girlfriend. They were playing some slow music in the background and I told her. Hey lets dance. She was like okay. So we did for a bit. It was fun. thats when the attraction was at its peak too bad i missed the chance. Now i just see her but i havent hanged out with her. She just likes to hang out with friends. So what should I do about this?
Shes the type of girl that talks to every guy and laughs. So maybe what might come around to me as flirting is actuallly how she is? What can I do to find out?
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6:47 pm
Hey Jacob!
I’m just at David’s right now looking at some videos he just shot with Will. Lots of these probably will go on the membership site. What’s going on with you?
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6:48 pm
Coach Khiem, thanks for giving me a hand!
I have been reading these blogs for a while now, and I’ve realized I had become too restrained, like a mummy but in my heart. When I was a kid I used to be a lot more “me” -I had my first kiss at age 10!
Somewhere along the line, I lost it. My parents’ divorce had to do with it, but I’m done playing the blame game. I’m the only one who can help me out! Everyone’s encouragement in here is essential for that to happen, though…
I am working on letting myself out with women. Earlier in the day, I was chatting online with this slim brunette I went to high school with. I invited her to a gig this Wednesday, and said “I’d love to share my music with you”. Her response was “I had wanted to see play a long time ago.” That felt real good. I told her how I really felt, and she responded accordingly!
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6:53 pm
Mario,
You should post a lot of these questions in the membership forums.
Anyhow, for the girl who likes to hang out with friends a lot… it means she likes peer approval.
You should try to hang out with her 1-on-1 if you can but if it’s not possible, then hang out with her and her friends but try to have some alone time every so often. If that’s still not possible, befriend and make her friends love you.
If they love you, and you show interest in her, her friends will nudge her and be like: why aren’t you going out with him?
In regards to 2-4 layers, it just means I ask 2-4 questions so I can get deep enough in a topic… then I can share my own story… or share my perspective of her story. You want to relate on something significant, not so superficial.
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7:03 pm
but thats the thing her friends like me. I talk to one of them and she seems pretty cool with me. Yet I dont know man.
One of my troubles is that I tend to interview the girl to much. I dont know how to make the conversation relate to her as well as me.
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7:04 pm
Peer-approval???
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7:12 pm
Hey Khimmi-
I am on facebook checking up few messages, chllin out listening to some great music, and reading all the new comments.
Cool the members are getting new videos.
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7:14 pm
Mario,
Peer approval just means that all her girlfriends would want her to date you.
And as far as how to stop interviewing girls, just follow the guidelines I told you already. In addition, start speaking from the heart. Don’t just talk about facts, share with her how you feel on certain aspects of your life and ask her the same about her life.
Also, it’s all about having fun… do you tease her, do you flirt with her? All that kind of stuff is emotional… not logical or factual.
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7:21 pm
yea i tease her. How would you know if you are though? Or if you are flirting?
I have fun, we sing to some of the songs she has on her ipod and we act them out in the bus. like cupid’s chokehold by Gym class heroes.
And yea i need to get more emotional in my conversations. Get to feel them. I need help in the “I feel..” type of conversations.
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7:26 pm
Just record some conversations for me and I’ll critique you. If not, do more storytelling exercises like we told you on the membership site.
If you can’t listen to yourself and feel excited or interested in what you say, then she won’t either.
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7:28 pm
another thing is that people always tell me to lead the way yet i dont really know wat it truly means. Anyone care to explain?
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7:37 pm
Mario,
You are asking too many questions that aren’t in the scope of this blog. If you want your questions answered, go post them in the forums.
As far as leading, it’s all about making decisions. When you are in a group setting, people always look for someone to lead… which means.. choose for the group… and then tell them what to do, with the interest of the group in mind.
It means… give the interaction a direction… make it go somewhere.
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7:50 pm
oh ok.
In scope of the blog. For someone to get out of the friend zone he should start showing his emotions toward the girl. He should be more affectionate but then wouldn’t the friend act all weird???
Wouldn’t the girl however end up staying with the friend cause she woulnd’t want to lose him and she’s already confident enough to share stories with him? Or would she say no? Im confused in that part.
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10:23 pm
Great blog and great lesson to learn.
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10:50 pm
Friend zone.. been there, done that. Not nice.
What I find interesting is to tell between a “slow cooking” relationship and getting slowly stuck into the friends zone.
Opinions?
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11:00 pm
Diego–That’s great about the brunette. It’s good that you have a frame of reference to when you were a kid and how you were more “you” and loose. Yes, divorce can arrest your development and hold you back but… Go back to that kid! That is something we tell people all the time. Be more like a kid…more playful, carefree and in the moment. You don’t see little kids stopping from going up to someone or playing with something they want. Can you imagine a kid saying to themselves “I wonder what I should say next so that she’ll like me” “should I ask her where she got the shovel from?”
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6:54 am
When I say escalate, I mean escalate the conversation. Not the girl. Is that PUA terminology??
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2:42 pm
Well I got out of the Friend Zone. But now I am in the Defriend Zone.
If I get out of it I will let everyone know how it goes. lol
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6:23 pm
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