The Dating Doormat
February 9, 2010 
48 Comments
How many times when dating have you had someone flake on you? How many times do you think to yourself, “God this woman (or this man) just keeps flaking on me. Why do I keep giving them a third, fourth and fifth chance?”
The reason why you do is because you like to be a doormat. You continue to date these people because you enjoy being a doormat, and your self-esteem is so low that you’re willing to let someone walk all over you.
I’m sorry to be so crude and to just lay it on you so bluntly. It is really important, though, that you understand this dynamic and what the boundary lines should be.
Let’s say you’ve just started dating someone and they call you at 4:00 pm and say, “I’m being held up at work. I can’t hang out tonight like we planned.” That is okay. You can give them a one-time pass.
They are allowed to use work (or whatever else) as an excuse for flaking one time. If they come back a week later when you’re excited to see them saying that their boss is holding them up or they need to go to an appointment, then that is the second time. You cannot give them another pass.
If you keep giving them a pass, then they are going to look at you as a doormat. What I always say about people who are flakers, is that they are someone who doesn’t respect the time of someone who has committed time to them.
If somebody has rearranged their schedule planning to spend an evening getting to know you and is excited to see you, you show them absolutely zero respect by flaking on them. If you are someone who allows people to flake on you over and over again, though, you are also showing yourself zero respect.
Do not allow somebody to flake on you more than one time. You give someone a one-time pass, and that’s it!
Not only that, but if you end up in a relationship with someone you’ve allowed to flake on you multiple times, then you are going to likely have another problem. If someone flakes on you over and over but yet keeps telling you they want to see you, a year or two down the road you may find that quality time with you may not be anywhere near the number one priority in their life.
They may end up flaking on you a lot. They may always put work or something else first. Flaking behavior is a definite peek into someone’s personality.
If you are a person doing the flaking, then it’s time to get honest with yourself. If you were really excited about the person on whom you are repeatedly flaking and they were a person you truly wanted to get to know, then you would be changing your routine to make that happen.
There is nothing more exciting than getting to know someone new. If the other stuff you’re doing every day — work, appointments, watching the ballgame — is causing you to flake on someone, then clearly that other person is not intriguing you very much.
If that is the case, then stop stringing them along. Be a man (or a woman), let them go and don
‘t play with their head anymore.
If you are sick and tired of being a dating doormat? Let me show you how to stop this behavior in your dating life for good! CLICK HERE if you are a man and CLICK HERE if you are a woman to read more about how.
Dave, I agree, everyone deserves 2 chances. After that they are showing disrespect and need to be told to hit the road. Some women prey on guys they can use as “doormats”, maybe because of a problem they have going on with their own personalities, such as feeling the need to be dominant.
Love this post!
To me, it’s all about self-respect again. If you respect your own time, you don’t allow people to walk all over you and just flake on you.
Just like David say, I will allow occasional one or two-time passes.
But overall, I tell people upfront: If they flake on me, they owe me!
Well, I don’t really say it like that… but basically, if I’m the one who initiated and invited someone and they flaked once or twice… the next time, I’m not inviting anymore! They are the ones who have to do the work this time.
Guys these days are too “understanding.” I’ve seen far too many of my friends let their girlfriends treat them like doormats for this to be an isolated problem too. Men need to get angry and be okay with it. They’re so afraid to walk away from the relationship that they practically lay down on the ground and beg the girl to walk all over them. There’s a line in a Miranda Lambert song that says, “Desperation, there’s danger in frustration.” I love that line. When people aren’t content with who they are, when they think they need another person to complete them, they get desperate. They grasp at anything that comes their way, which never ends well.
The girl I was talking about last night, the one I took to coffee Friday, hasn’t called me back. Wednesday afternoon, I’ll give her one more call. I’ll make fun of her for getting mugged for her phone or something and how I’m glad she’s okay, but that’s still no excuse to not call me back. If she doesn’t call me back, that’s her loss. I’m not so desperate to date a girl that I’ll take that kind of game playing. And if she’s really not interested in me, if she didn’t feel it, then trying to convince her to feel it is a waste of my time.
Kheim, I really like your, “If you flake, you owe me” approach. It offends my “nice guy” friends’ sensibilities, but if a girl postpones, flakes, or cancels, I’ve started (playfully) saying, “Alright, but you’re making me dinner (whatever night) to make up for it.” Not only do I get free dinner, but these girls see that I’m not a doormat, which gets them all hot and bothered. Oh, and when the two of you are alone at her place, it’s so easy to, as Olivia Newton-John would say, “get physical.”
Very informative blog today David, I have been always the doormat guy and i am sick and tired of being that fucking guy.
Tony
2 chances is all that they really need after that we need to tell them to hit the damn road. Have you ever been the doormat in the relationship?
Khiem
There is nothing better than a free dinner after they miss the mark:)
Anonymous
I am curious how long have you been that doormat guy so far in your life?
Collin
very funny that you quoted olivia…she was one of my first crushes in the 70s..i had her poster and farrahs side by side
Way too long Jacob. I hate to answer that question b/c it makes me feel like shit. But you know i am looking forward to this new step.
David- Was your picture in between olivia and farrahs:)
You know I think it all comes down to respect if she doesn’t’ respect your time then why should you want to go out with her anyway.
And where is my friend Mario today?
lol, boring openers lastnite 2 b honest, so boring im embarressed 2 write them, but guess thts monkey chatter, one was when i walked past a girl she luked bord shitless in her face lent up against side bar not really talkin 2 her friend, as i walk past i very confidently went u luk bord shitless, she resonds, no im jst looking for sum1….i sed who a talk dark handsome male …smile….and pointed at my self, (5 foot 7), she goes no jst this guy, anyway theres a big huge piller in front of her so she cant see rest of club so it was clearly bs, so i go hmmmm interesting, ul struggle 2 find nyone behind tht, then i sed nice talking 2 you enjoy ur night and left…..i jst feel in a normal day place u luk bord comment casually as you walk past wud b greeted with more openess from a girl, and in a bar these casual openers are not gna build attraction as quick as u need 2! ………………………………….one final thing 2 note,which is mayb showing when i talk 2 women, even tho i talk confidently, i dnt believ young women under 25 find me attractive nymore, and find it hard believing i can attract them, see when i was younger id go out pull women drunk and not anylise tht i cudnt do it sober take them out few days later sober and mayb start dating them,i was pritty confident in my dinial comfort zone, its only since i started studying game in last 15 months in an attempt to lose approach anxiety when im sober,had rejections sober, its like had a negative effect on my head, add this up with a few 9or 10 women canceling first dates on me in last 2 months and 2 b honest im monkey chattering 2 fuk. i see alot of gud qualitys in myself 2 , im fun all my mates think im funny, iv dated 100s of women b4, older women 35 plus think im super cute, jst i dnt seem to beable 2 attract the women i want always get rejected!i hope u clever coaches can make some sort of shit with my essay above, i think the conplexity how iv written it willchange ur line of work, speak soon -lots of monkey chatter!(well i had 2 live up 2 myname didnt i!)
Great topic post David, We have all been a doormat at some point until we realized how ridiculous we were for waiting so long to just drop that person and move on. I remember an incident where this had happened to me in the past. I would not make plans with my buddies that certain Saturday night because I had committed already to her and I would get that text or call from her with the excuse. What I would stress is to not always think it is your fault in that situation because sometimes that other person just has serious commitment problems so just get out of it and enjoy life.
I need to speak to someone immediately. No friends, no genuine people. Can’t believe I thought about suicide again. I’m not expecting any answer. Thank you.
Hey drew.
Add me on msn if you’ve got it @ peterwcox@hotmail.co.uk. If theres any chance I have any idea about what you’re going through, I can try and help you.
You more than likely just need a little boost to get you going again as I’ve found out many times in my life in similar situations, but if this is not the case I’ll try and help you out. Don’t hesitate to try me if you’d like an extra ear.
David, I’ve gotta aim my references at you old folks. Otherwise you wouldn’t get ‘em. That must have been a hell of a fantasy threesome though. Farrah AND Olivia at the same time? Don’t pretend you didn’t fall asleep at night fantasizing about that.
Collin
Great reference for me old folk:)
Who is your crush?
Drew
Are you ok?
And peter is an amazing person to talk with…very caring very real and in touch with all sides.
Reach out to him
Drew–a lot of people are here for you to talk to. Reach out to someone…you are NOT alone.
lots of monkey chatter!—Wow..didn’t know my question would get such a full answer:). Thanks for sharing. First off, the bar scene can be tricky for sure. People act different especially when drinking. Just curious..do you try and talk with girls just out and about throughout your day? Interactions can be vastly different. Also, “you look bored” line is a hard one for women to respond to. Try not to make assumptions as it can put someone on the defensive. Rather try asking questions or share stories based on your observations as you might have more success.
“Alright, but you’re making me dinner (whatever night) to make up for it.”
Lol! That is gold. I’ll remember that. Worst thing that can happen is getting free dinner
.
Usually though I don’t mind girls flaking though. I’ll just leave the initiative to them. However if they do invite me back, I’ll still enjoy getting to know them.
PS(unrelated):
.
Said a funny thing to a girl last weekend. I was out dancing, and a girl/friend I recently met who was there with her new boyfriend said to me “I really love you”. Then she proceeded to babble all kinds of excuses when she realized what she had said, trying to nuance it. Then my mouth said “don’t worry, I only believe what you say anyway”. Then she, and then I, cracked up. The i proceeded to write it in her diary/agenda. Which was pretty funny because I was already very much out of place as a tall thin white guy who hasn’t had a haircut in 2 years, in a room full of huge black machos on a hiphop night (terrible party honestly). But my god, how hilarious was it to me to be writing in a hiphop-coolness competition
I’m not okay. I’m tired of hating, but it’s so hard when I can’t find anyone who actually likes me. I know I’m young. I just wish my mind wasn’t so scattered and sad. It was getting better. I want to love someone or show them I love them. Anyone.
This topic really answered a question I had. This hottie with the body I met working in the mall threw herself at me pretty much..I mean you wanna talk body langugae..holy shit. She’s was consistiantly touching me.I finally looked at her in the eye and said “Your Cute” She touched he chest and started laughing and said “Oh thank you!” The I said “What’s your number”? She didn’t give it to me right away instead she she right back to sales girl mode then she asked me out for a drink and I asked for her number again and got it. This is where things got weird. Over the next few months she would call or I’d see her and she’d ask me out and then stand me up,ask me out again then stand me up,So after reading this she wasn’t respecting my time and it is limited working 12 hours on
nights (David knows that shift well I’m sure) Anyway, I’ve stopped seeing her and I don’t call…fuck that psychopath! She’s all talk!
Oh man I remember this. I was such a doormat. I would go to a date then get stood up. THere was this one time when a girl was gonna go out with me to a concert. I bought the ticket and everything. THen she didnt even call instead she just waited until she was me at school the other day. It was horrible cause I still forgave her even though i spent my money and time. But yea even though I still know its wrong I still keep on doing it.
In a way I think that they were just busy or something. But next time they will show up. However next time always happens again. So yea I’ve learned my lesson. I dont want to be a doormat anymore. Just forget the girl if she does that twice.
Drew man don’t worry about it. If you do then all your doing is attracting negative energy to your life. Add me on facebook or on msn. at UHS_playa93@hotmail.com
So yea we do this because we try to not hide our fear of doubt. We try to just think that it will be diffferent next time but its not.
Drew
How is everything going?
Best wishes man!
David you are awesome. I love reading your shit!
I think I need to get some balls
I need some balls too. I have been a doormat for years!!!
I feel like the nerd in the big bang theory.
Damm why am i like that?
Funny i just went to that taping yesterday in hollywood.
Nerds are in brother!
I was also at Big Bang. I have to say nerds were once doormats and now no more.
Anyone else feel this way? Nerds are damm sexy
I will fuck a nerd anyday they rock on oral:)
I am all about doing the nerds.
They are hot in bed.
Sounds like Lisa and Kristen need to make a trip to Atlanta. They could fuck nerds til their little vaginas fell off.
And David, I’ve got all kinds of crushes (other than Drew Brees of course). I would club a baby for a night with Salma Hayek or Lucy Pinder, and I would maul a baby for both in the same night. That’s just sex though. My ultimate celebrity crush is Sara Watkins.
I saw her in concert over the summer and was blown away. She’s not only gorgeous, but even giving a concert you could see that she has an incredible personality. Had I not been on a date with a girl, or had I known she wouldn’t call me back, I would have definitely made a move on Sara after the show. You’re allowed to bail in the middle of a first date if a better girl walks in, right? Hahaha. She bought the tickets though, so it was still worth it I guess.
I should clarify that Georgia Tech is in Atlanta, and Georgia Tech is stuffed full of nerds. 3 guys for every girl actually. The rest of Atlanta is much better though.
Collin, that’s exactly the approach. You have no idea how often I’ve used variants of “Alright but you make me dinner next time”
The funny thing is you can ask for anything… a back rub, her taking you out… anything that requires a little effort and the woman will recognize that you aren’t to be taken lightly.
Drew, you need to reach out to people… but when you do, make sure you learn to love yourself a bit. If you can’t find someone to love you or care for you, that means b/c you don’t love yourself.
Why would anyone want to love for you if you don’t love yourself. You have to give yourself the respect and love you deserve first.
Kheim, I’m a poor college kid. This isn’t just about not being a doormat. It’s about survival dammit! Anytime a girl asks me for a favor (or tells me to do her one), I turn it into dinner. Heck, when I know one of them is a good cook, sometimes I’ll text her, “So what’s for dinner?” out of the blue. Who would have guessed that following up her reply with, “Sounds delicious. What time should I be there?” would yield so many free dinners?
LOL Collin!
That’s the mark of a man who knows how to use his seductive powers hahahah… seduce the women in adding more to your life. Yay!!!
Well… I sure hope you add to the girls’ lives too
Come on Khiem, of course I add to their lives! They get to eat dinner with me! Hahaha.
I do love myself a little. I’m just not likeable. I was just getting used to being normal. I’m not ugly either. Girls say I’m cute. I’m just fucking weird or something.
Collin, women love to cook for men.
I hate to admit it but I had a relationship once in which I allowed myself to be the doormat. And I let it go on WAY too long. He was a workaholic and in the type of profession where that was the status quo. So, we would have plans and I’d get a call “I’m sorry I have to fly to D.C.” blah blah…whatever. How could I not understand that, I told myself. Eventually, I realized it was his style to not really be available.
What hooked me is what hooks a lot of us, I think…I’m not sure. When we were together there was a deep connection. We would lay in bed and talk until 3 am about everything and anything and we were so on the same wave length that I told myself “wow, there’s no one else I can connect with like this”. It was like being with my best friend. What I didn’t allow myself to listen to was that little voice in my head that kept saying HE IS NOT AVAILABLE or to acknowledge that I felt disappointed and anxious.
Totally back Mr Wygant up on this one. It makes me cringe to think of all the times I put up with behaviour like this. And all the guys that must be out there doing the same thing, day in, day out. Stop taking shit from women dudes! Man up and confront it, rather than just accepting it.
/rant
I’d like some perspective on my situation:
A girl I’ve been seeing on and off for the last month had invited me over this afternoon at 4PM.
I arrived on time and her mother answered the buzzer to say she was out. I hung around for about 5 minutes before leaving.
This evening I recieved an email from her to the extent of: ‘I was waiting, from 4-430. Where were you? You must have left before I came down’
I replied to her email and said: ‘Just admit you were late. I spoke with your mother and waited for 5 minutes. Then I realized, what am I waiting for? If someone respects my time, they are on time’
Greg,
I like that you took a stand! But did you have to go that harsh with her?
Could you have given her 10 minutes?
Could you have said something like “If someone respects my time, they don’t make me wait more than 10 minutes without giving me a heads up” instead?
No matter what, you’ll soon find out if she respects you and if she still likes you or not
I appreciate it, Khiem.
I need to work on being more calm and cool. I probably should have waited longer.
I just don’t have patience for these things. I think it says about my a) experience and b) how im not as into this girl as Id like
great post, i was wondering though.. how should i react when someone flakes on me?
last night i had plans to get together with someone (it wouldve been our second date) and i confirmed the plans earlier that day. he seemed excited about them and mentioned he had to check on his car that was in the shop after work but that was it. he never tried to get ahold of me for the rest of the day. finally around 8pm i texted him and just said hey, what are you up to.. then around 9 i tried calling him.
its not 11am the next day and i havent heard from him. should i wait for him to contact me or should i try getting ahold of him and ask what happened? i dont want to seem like im nagging him, but i also dont want it to seem like its alright for him to waste my time like that.
any advice?
-terra