The Answer Lies Within
June 20, 2009 
13 Comments
I got into a very interesting conversation last night at dinner. It wasn’t the Saki that got it started. It actually started because of a question I was asked in an email from 18 year old guy.
The question this guy asked me was this: “David, My girlfriend won’t sleep with me. Is that ok?” The whole dinner conversation about this email really came down to one thing — Who am I to tell this guy if it’s okay or not?
So I sent this guy a responding email in which I told him that my high school girlfriend also wouldn’t sleep with me, but that being with her was one of the best experiences of my life. All we did was engage in foreplay for nine months. That, in turn, really made my sex life as an adult different than it might have otherwise been because I learned in those nine months how to be all about pleasing a woman and making a woman feel good.
A friend of mine who got laid all the time in high school is one of the most selfish lovers I know. All he cares about is getting off.
So I concluded my email by telling this guy that he should enjoy what he’s doing with his girlfriend. He should appreciate what this is going to turn him into as a lover.
You have to be really careful whom you go to for advice. The advice you take from someone can shape or change your life for the good or (too often) for the bad.
What if you turn to a friend for relationship advice who has a history of being involved in awful relationships, and that person gives you the worst advice in the world? If you listen to that awful advice, that could cause your whole relationship to go right down the tubes.
As someone who gives advice for a living, what you say can have a major impact and long-term ramifications. I realize what a power that is over people’s lives.
Something I always challenge everyone to do — in my courses as well as in everything I teach — is to look deep inside, because the answers are always inside you. I am constantly challenging people to look inside themselves and to start trusting themselves.
So today, I’d like everyone to refrain from emailing anyone (including me and your friends), resist the temptation to call someone for advice, and spend the day asking yourself the tough questions. Write down your issues and problems on a piece of paper, and also write down the solutions.
Today is a great day to see inside yourself, and realize that the answers are within — whether they’re right or wrong. If they’re wrong, then the resulting experience is something you need to have and learn from for the next time.
So today, really look deep inside yourself. Resist the temptation to hit the send button on that email to me or anyone else. Resist the temptation to make that phone call. Resist the temptation to pour your heart and soul out to someone at lunch or dinner.
So spend today deep inside yourself, and realize the answer is within. This advice I’m giving you I give to myself whenever I have an issue or problem through which I need to work.
At the end of the day, the only person you have to answer to is yourself. Take a look in the mirror, and embrace and trust the person staring back at you.
This will be a very powerful Saturday for all of you.
Great post.
I think from a very small age we learn not to trust ourselves, from little things, like our parents telling us to put on a coat when we aren’t cold. The parent tells us it is cold, and we don’t feel we are cold, and yet we’re told in lots of small ways that our perception, or trusting ourselves is wrong. Sometimes it is, but we aren’t going to learn to trust ourselves if we don’t take risks with ourselves.
Lexi
I knew this one would resonate with you!
Very true when we grow up all we hear is what we cant do and not what we can do.
Its amazing how we develop that distrust of ourselves from such an early age.
Great post, just not sure I should have answered it..(-: should have written and answered my own stuff….I am still messed up despite a very wise upbringing.
I was lucky to be raised opposite in a lot of ways as I was allowed to trust myself. When advice was given it was in the form of other ways of looking at the same thing, but there were still plenty of room for me to put my own spin op it. Most advice where more mind openers, granted she would sometimes cue me in when I was completely lost, but ultimately I was allowed to make my own decision. I now uses the same method with my own kids and it’s really amazing, how you can make them come up with complex answers. The greatest advice when you really don’t know the answer, or you don’t even know the question itself, but have someone phrase questions to me, that makes me figure what’s question I really have and then be able to answer it. I love to ask myself with a “I wonder” phrase and let my mind figure itself out. Worst thing to do is ask yourself negative loaded questions, I never find the best answers that way.
My grandmother was very wise, funny having read the Four Agreements they really are all about the way I was raised.
But I think trusting yourself has a lot to do with the amount of responsibility we are allowed from an early age and the consequences of our decisions. I was not raised with any limitations of what I could do and I was allowed to make mistakes.
Making your own decisions is really the building blocks for trusting yourself. But this is not only an issue as a kid, it’s also a workplace issue, both including people who are afraid of making decisions(trusting themselves) and superiors who will not share the decisions process and only have the last saying themselves. Ok don’t know if this really fits in but it just flew.
The tough part as a parent is passing this on to my kids. It’s a lot easier said than done, I can tell you.
Wow David, this particular blog posting came at just the right moment for me. I was in need of some definite soul-searching after confronting a difficult situation with a female friend. I asked a few friends for their opinions, and they all gave me conflicting answers. So, instead, I spent the majority of the day thinking about myself, what I believe is the right thing to do, and tact about how to handle such a delicate situation. Thanks so very much. You have in part helped me get back on track.
-Vic-
Interesting point about foreplay vs sex… I never thought of it that way.
There are times when I am swept in a wave and lost within it. The wave are other people (friends, acquaintances) who pressures and encourages me to go for a guy who I initially had little interest. When they keep pushing you, you start to follow their words instead of your intuition. This happened to me back during march with between a friend and a new guy (“love triangle”). After weeks of uncertainty, of values being broken, I cleared my mind, had a real talk with my friend about what was going on and after a few days, I realize, I had no interest/attraction to begin with which is why I kept waiting for the sparks but there weren’t any. Now and then I take a look back and see it from each person’s point of view I understand more about what went on. Why it didn’t work out. Why I felt the ways I did. And as one of my friend told me, I learned to trust my gut feelings more.
Hi David,
I just dropped in to say thanks for the little “wake-up!” emails that you are sending out. Today’s email about “Raise Your Woman Expectations!” really made sense.
I haven’t closely followed your blob for the last few weeks and now decided to get back into the habit. In German, one word for advice is “Ratschlag”, which consists of the words “Rat” (advice) and “Schlag” (hit). I like this word because it shows the strong impact that giving or receiving advice can have. It can be like a slap in the face or a kick in the butt. So be careful whom you go to for advice and be careful about the advice you give to others.
The coolest, wisest and most mature advice is to make people think and find THEIR solution by THEMSELVES. And I think this is what you are doing.
Greetings from Hamburg, where it’s “car-free day” today. Good for a long walk and some good thinking.
We are also taught to think about what we are supposed to do like if there’s a right way or a wrong way. As a friend of mine used to say “it is what it is”
Marina, you are a bright person, many adult minds, can’t figure themselves out to save their lives..that is why impact therapy, is coming to be….
Nice post but I wanted to ask you something so I e-mailed you a few questions about how to go about this.
Maybe you could give me some advice as to what questions I should be asking myself.
Just kidding. ;p I actually am gonna do the homework…
I will tell you how powerful this advice is – look at the time between this post and my last post.
I have just set up 2 dates this week by following the above advice. It’s a litte complicated how but it worked!
Ha!
Back years ago I would ask advice from a female friend of mine and did you know it was the hardest thing that I had to do is not call her and want to talk about my recent relationship. Today the problem I am having is wanting to discuss it but I must remain silent and seek the answer within.
Dave
You are right about what you said…Just being in each others presence should be enough.
Sandra, if we were as bright as you and DW, chances are we would not be on this blog!…..hhhmmhh…