See if this scenario if familiar to any of you women: You meet a guy and have been having a great conversation with him for the first minute or so. All of a sudden, the guy gets a blank look on his face and says the word “cool” in response to the next few things you say.
Do you know what that word means when a guy says it to you? It means that he is not listening to you anymore. He has not stopped listening to you because he’s bored or because he isn’t interested in you . . . in fact it’s just the opposite.
When I guy starts to respond to you with the word “cool,” it means he is very attracted to you and is nervous. Due to his nervousness he doesn’t know what to say, so all he says is “cool.” The “cool” guy will often have his hands deep in his pockets. He’ll roll his shoulders forward a little.
So how do you get these guys to come out of the “cool” zone? How do you get them to say something other than “cool?”
I understand that when men start doing the “cool” thing, it can be a quick conversation killer. You need to understand, though, that men need a little encouragement sometimes.
What I like to do is rephrase things. I tell women all the time that if they are in a conversation with a “cool” guy, they need to rephrase what they’re talking about with him.
For example, let’s say you are talking to a guy about dogs and he tells you about his Labrador Retriever. You say “God, I love Labradors!” to which he says “cool.” Here’s where you can rephrase what he was saying back to him in a question to get the conversation back on track. So ask him “What made you get a Labrador?” This will get him talking again and off the “cool” track.
If you can get a “cool” guy talking again, he will start relaxing. He’ll realize you don’t bite and that you’re actually approachable.
So the next time a guy says “cool,” don’t take it as a sign he’s not interested in you. Take it instead as a clear sign that he IS interested in you, but you need to dial it back a bit and pull the coolness out of him.
Women tend to be better conversationalists than men. It’s just a fact of life that when you come across a “cool” guy, you are going to have to get him to stop using that one word phrase that always seems to kill a conversation. Remember that once you get the “cool” guy talking again, though, you will be back talking to a guy who will be VERY grateful you did.
Hey Dave,
Great post. It’s good for girls to know that guys get nervous, but when we do, it’s not something we usually show. Perhaps we would be better to fess up and admit the truth!
Funny thing is i’ve got this from women…
This is a great reframe.
Anthony.
Hahaha. I am not going to lie I’ve been doing this “cool” thing a lot in all of my conversations with people lately. I never used to say this but its like a good filler when you don’t have nothing “cool” to say. A habit that I must break. Man Dave thanks for “Wavy” blog today.. See you on the next one Cool!
cool
haha yeah I’ve seen quite a few “cool” guys around before.
So what does a guy do when’s he’s interested in you? And what does he do when he isn’t? This sounds like it could be very confusing…
The key for conversation to flow in my opinion, is to not think about trying to keep the conversation flowing.
When David sais “Listen”, I think he means truly paying attention and not thinking of anything else exept whats coming out of each others mouth. Dont try to impress the person with wit or humor.. It will just naturaly come out if you really pay attention.
When HE says “cool,” then it’s HER turn to ask the next question RELATED to the same subject – as noted in David’s blog. Whenever I’ve been the one to say “cool,” the guy always asks the next question so why can’t women be expected to do the same? Give and take, people! It’s your turn!
I’m definitely a cool guy, and I think I really fit this description. I’ll say it just when I don’t really have anything to contribute to the conversation, but I kinda wish I did.
Ok, i’m honestly lost on flirting. Sometimes I do it naturally, sometimes I just can’t think of things to say or do with a guy. HOW do you flirt?!
Oh… sh***… seems I happen to be the cool guy too from time to time…
It usually happens to me when I am not able to find good “open” questions (what, how, why…) and most of what I get from her is yes or no and I run out of ammunition…
Kismet,
Flirt to me is a kind of sensual playfullness in the things you say and how you move your body. With words there can be a doublemeaning in what you say sometimes with some irony. I am from Europe and there are all kinds of flirter. Very sexually loaded, those feel tacky to me to just fund playfulness mixed with humor which i prefer.
Its almost like being a mix of mischivious and light sensual tension creature in everything you do. In europe we often flirt just as a way of life, almost as if it as normal behavior, where that over in the us will be considered a strong come on.
Marina, I wonder to which part of Europe you are referring? Here in Germany, I experience people being quite stiff. Or to say it with David’s words… they run around in a coma…
I am from Denmark but my family lives in Spain. The stiff ness you refer to i more of a barrier. Most times it just takes a bit more to wiggle it down. Flirting just make people feel the can approach you. Not that different than your softener story. When i was back home i felt it was also a weather thing, on a great day in Denmark they girls and boys would be as flitatious as our southern european counterparts.
I dont flirt as much as i did as i more often have been taken serious over here, i europe flirting was more a way of life. Just being friendly with a twist of sensuality.
Hola Marina! You are so right.. the weather can make all the difference here in Germany as well. Today, it is sunny and bright and Hamburg looks like little Italy… people wearing sunglasses, driving cabrios and sipping Café Latte. I’ll be off to the city soon and hope not to be the cool guy today.
Dave, it was really a good article. I agree with every word of yours. The way you explained about the ‘cool’ word is really awesome. Anyways thanks for the post.
Marina, I agree with you, I found Spaniards to be flirtatious/mischievous/with a light sensual tension/spunky. I do that here and some women give me that big eyed, cold stare, I just smile, women usually, just, turn the other way.
The only time I want “cool” to come out of a dude’s mouth is when he says I’m a “cool” chic. If a guy says you are a “cool” chic, this means something!
RE: K Okay — There are plenty of guys (me definitely included) who are honestly scared of saying something bold or controversial that will screw up his chances with a woman. If he’s talking to you, he likes you. If he wants to spend any sort of time with you, he likes you. If he does anything around you that involves paying attention to you, he likes you. A lot of the feeling-out process for guys, I think, is making sure that the woman isn’t just going to talk at him and use him as a sounding board for her own personal issues. “Cool” is a good sign, but probably a nudge that you should draw some info/opinion out of him.
Me..I use the word cool meaning that is interesting how that does that…But when I hear him say cool that means he is interested in the conversation at hand…but I am a talker anyway so I can talk someone’s ear to death even in real life but you may never know what comes from my mouth when I speak sometimes I wonder about my typing….Just an outspoken person
Or that’s neat…
“Cool” is such a conversation killer. It never leads it anywhere!
Kismet, you can flirt by being playful and getting personal. Flirting is such a broad topic. It’s combination of playful teasing, sexual innuendos and just getting emotionally personal and deep with that person.