Hope everyone had an amazing night. I want to take this opportunity to wish all of you a very Happy New Year!
It’s 2010. So I want all of you to read this statement and tell me how it makes you feel, and what 2010 means to you:
“Every Day is like New Years – Every day has magic in it. All people need to do is open their eyes!”
Oh, and one last thing…
Today I have a new year’s resolution for all the men out there who think that porn is their friend. Watch this to see why this hobby may be destroying any intimacy you will evey have:
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I am going to let all of you learn a secret of mine that is so big, you will be shocked. Here it is: I’ve been hanging out with a driller once a week.
Now you are probably thinking right now that a driller has something to do with a weird new sexual position or kinky kind of sex. If that’s what you’re thinking, you’d be wrong.
The driller with whom I’ve been hanging once a week is my dentist. It seems that every time I go to the dentist nowadays, all she wants to do is drill me.
There is always something she wants to drill this, fill that and inject Novocaine everywhere. I think she must have been a miner in her past life.
Not only that, everyone I’ve sent to her office ends up getting drilled. I mean I know dentists make a lot of money drilling people, but so do hookers. So are dentists just big whores?
They are using some of the same tools that hookers use. Instead of a putting a condom on you when you get head, they use that spit thing to suck the saliva out of your head.
If you think about it, dentists are also like hookers because they keep everything wrapped in plastic. Sometimes they even put a bit camera in your mouth. Why don’t they put a condom on that instead of wrapping it in plastic?
Gee, I wonder why no one looks forward to going to the dentist. It’s a horrible experience.
So how does this relate to dating? You know I’m going to twist it somehow to make it relate.
It’s the end of the year, and some of you have not done enough drilling. Some of you are in inventory mode right now, thinking about the last time you had sex or the last time you had a date. Unfortunately, some of you have had a very dry 2009.
I’m not saying that to be salacious. It’s the truth.
At the end of the year, people go into inventory mode. That’s why it’s easy to have sex at Christmas parties. Some people decide that sex will be their gift for the holidays.
So you do some inventory, realize that you haven’t had enough of the opposite sex during the past year, get hammered, and then you decide this is the night you are going to break this dry spell. I’ve seen this happen over and over again.
People are a lot looser during the holidays. They haven’t gotten any all year long, and when it happens at the office Christmas party they think it must be the egg nog.
It’s not the egg nog. Women realize they haven’t had enough dick and will search one out whether it’s real or made of hard plastic. Men will happily be there to take part.
So on this Tuesday, with just a little more than two weeks to go before Christmas, what are you inventorying in your dating life? Also, what toy did you almost break in before the new year?
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When is the time when you stick it in without any glove, rubber or any protection? When is it time to just stick it in?
You’re dating someone and the very first time you sleep with them, they tell you they are on the pill and that they are clean. Do you just stick it in, or do you actually wrap it?
Do you actually wrap the johnson? Yes, you wrap it. You wrap the johnson.
You think to yourself, “Hmmm, I’m clean. If she says I can stick it in, it must mean that she’s clean.” Where does the trust come in when it comes to sex?
You know you want to be with this person. You know this is someone with whom you would like to explore a relationship. When, though, is the right time to go in without wrapping it?
We never really talk about this subject and about that there are sexually transmitted diseases. You can make each other get papers showing that you are both safe and have no sexually transmitted diseases.
How cautious are you? How careful are you?
Some people seem to just believe that the person they are with is clean as can be if she is on the pill or he doesn’t want to wrap the johnson. People play that game.
So, what is your take on this? I always say that if you don’t know the person well, then better safe than sorry. Wrap it.
Otherwise, you may be making your fourth or fifth date a trip to the AIDS clinic. How much fun would that be? I think we’ll go get some cocktails, have some dinner and go get tested together. That sounds like a blast, doesn’t it?!
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It’s really funny. Turn down service is great, right? I mean, they come in and turn down your bed for you.
They tuck in the bed so tightly, though, that you feel like you’re going to bed inside an envelope. Who tucks the bed that tightly? You can’t move and you feel like you’re about to be suffocated in there.
It also seems like every turn down service is topped off with that same bad piece of chocolate on the pillow. Now that’s what you want before you go to bed. You’ve just brushed your teeth and here is a piece of chocolate on your pillow to rot your teeth and give you bad breath.
Mind you, if you were able to brush your teeth it is because you brought one with you. Hotels never give you a toothbrush or toothpaste. The “hotel essentials” they give you never include either one of those things.
They give you hand lotion. We all know what that is for and who uses it. It’s for the lonely businessmen on business trips.
They also give you some watered-down conditioner, some bad smelling shampoo and bars of soap (several of them). They don’t, however, give you the most important things: toothbrush and toothpaste.
Why not give people a toothbrush and a little tube of toothpaste? Is it that much more than one of those bars of soap?
Also, if you think about it, most people who are traveling together to hotels want to have nice breath. I mean, a lot of people come to a hotel to do the nasty. So you would think they would want to be able to freshen up and brush their teeth before they go to bed.
There are some really nice things about the idea of turn down service. In fact, I’d like to have turn down service at my house.
It would be really nice. Someone comes and knocks at your door at around 10:00 p.m. They come in, turn down your bed and dim the lights for you. All of that sounds wonderful, but none of it will work if you have bad breath.
So I think that all hotels should really start giving people toothpaste with their turn down service. You really need it after you eat the bad-tasting chocolate they leave on your pillow. Otherwise, what are you going to do together? Give each other a massage with the watered-down hand lotion? Something needs to change.
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One week to go until Black Friday, and I am just chomping at the bit to find out what super deals will be out there . . . and how I have to get up at 3:00 a.m. to fight for the one plasma television in the store they put on sale for $529.00. It’s funny how much of a shopping culture we have become, which is evident from the one million websites and television commercials counting down to Black Friday.
Oh well. I am actually really counting the days until Cosmic Saturday. Do you know what that is? Well you’ll have to wait until tomorrow and catch the commercials on my site to find out.
No on to today’s Friday blog . . .
It’s interesting. A lot of people who smoke think it’s a great way to meet people. To them it’s always the easiest way to meet people. Ask any smoker, and they’ll tell you so.
They will tell you that the greatest thing about smoking is that you can always walk up to someone of the opposite sex and ask to bum a cigarette. All you have to do is walk up to someone and say, “Excuse me. Do you have a cigarette?” or “Excuse me. Do you have a light?”
Let me tell you how you are perceived when you use the “Excuse me, do you have a cigarette?” line. You are bumming a cigarette, which means you are a bum. It means that you cannot afford your own cigarette (and hence you have to bum one), or that you are one of those people who are perpetually quitting and thus never buys your own cigarettes.
Either way, it really doesn’t look good. Picture this. There is a woman you want to meet standing across the room. So you decide to walk over and bum a cigarette off her as a means of initiating conversation with her. When you ask her if you can bum a cigarette, you are basically telling her “Listen, I was too cheap to buy my own cigarettes tonight, so I decided I was going to bum, steal and borrow cigarettes from other people.”
Being a non-smoker, and having recently spent some time in Europe, I have to say it’s nice to travel and not have to smell smoke wherever you go. Granted, there are smokers all over the place — outside and puffing away outside the doors of restaurants and so forth.
Here’s something, though, that I always wonder about with smokers. Why do smokers feel like it’s a right to throw their cigarette butts on the ground? You’re basically polluting the Earth.
No, this isn’t one of those blogs where I’m going to talk about saving the planet and the oceans, but why do smokers seem to feel entitled to litter their cigarette butts everywhere. If you look around your average city, there are cigarette butts all over the place.
Now I know that some of you think it’s wonderful that you can go out there and meet people by asking for a cigarette or a light, but this isn’t a pick up blog about smoking. If it was, the only thing I’d be telling you pickup is cigarette butts.
I’d tell you to get down on your hands and knees and pick up was all the cigarette butts you see on the ground. It’s really disgusting to walk down the street and see all the cigarette butts.
I also love all the gum chewers out there who think the world is one giant ashtray to discard their chewed up wads of gum. When you look down at the ground, it seems like all you see are cigarette butts and old gum. We’ve become inhumane, dirty and disgusting.
Don’t worry. I am still going to tie this into dating, because I know some of you hate when I rant and rave . . . or when I vary even the slightest bit from the topics of pickup and how to meet people.
So the next time you see a smoker throw a cigarette butt down on the ground, I’ve got a great pickup line for you. Say, “Excuse me. Do you realize that thing doesn’t decompose? What gives you the right to throw that butt down on the ground?”
You want to start a relationship off on the right foot. So you might as well start it off arguing.
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What is it about airplanes? Why are they so annoying now?
You are on a ten hour flight coming back from wherever you’ve been — from a secret location vacation. That’s what I like to call my vacations: secret location vacations. (We had a great time on ours by the way).
So we are nearly at the end of our ten hour flight back to Los Angeles, when the flight attendant becomes just really annoying. Here we are, watching our fourth movie and enjoying it. It was a really great movie called “My Sister’s Keeper,” and we’re getting close to the gut-wrenching end when the poor girl is dying of cancer.
Then, all of a sudden, the movie freezes on the screen as the flight attendant gets on the P.A. system to talk to us about . . . money. Yes, she wanted to announce that they were sending around a bag to collect money for UNICEF.
Now maybe if they had brought around a giant plastic pumpkin — or even one of those orange boxes like we used to use when I was a kid — then I might have given them my leftover change. To pass around a garbage bag, though, is just showing there there is no innovation.
It was also really annoying to have her go into this long speech about UNICEF when I just wanted to see the end of the movie. When the movie final did resume, the pilot gets on the speakers.
Who cares that we are almost there. Just land the plane. Then he gives us a guided tour of what is below us. As I am in a middle row, I can’t possibly see that we’re flying over Vegas.
Then the movie comes back on, except it is interrupted again by one of my favorite things in the world:the welcome to America video. It’s such a wonderful video. It teaches you how to make it through customs as if you are retarded.
Look, I’ve flown into England, Germany and lots of other countries, and nobody else plays a video about what to do when you get there. That’s part of the fun of going — not knowing what to do, what to claim and what to fill out.
The United States, however, has an entire patriotic video. Any of you who work for the government are probably cringing right now because I probably sound very anti-American.
The truth is that I am not anti-American at all. I just do not want to watch these videos . . . especially during a crucial part of the movie I’m trying to finish on the plane.
When they finally put the movie back on again, then the flight attendant comes over and says she wants to put my headphones away before we land in another 20 minutes. I looked at her and said, “No, you’ve already interrupted the move fourteen times.”
So if any of you work for the airlines, please help out and see what you can do about getting rid of those videos. Also, although I don’t mind giving money to causes, do we have to be asked while we’re on a plane?
We already give money everywhere we go. You are at the airport and a Hari Krishna hits you up before you hit the plane. You get off the plane, and some guy in a priest outfit is hitting you up for some type of Catholic school thing.
I mean everywhere you go, people are asking for money. Really, I’d like to see some ingenuity at least from the people asking me for the money. I’d like to see the first bum on the street with a credit card processing machining. That would really impress me. Instead of asking for change, they could tell you that they take PayPal, American Express, Visa and Master Card.
My feelings about airplanes would be different if the airlines offered better things on a plane. It would be different if when you boarded a plane, they asked if you were single and seated you with the other single people. I mean, how many times have you walked down the aisle of the plane toward your seat and thought, “Why aren’t I sitting next to THAT person?!”
You could change seats throughout the flights and get to socialize with lots of different people. They could designate a whole singles section in the back of the plane. It could be like a mini speed dating event in the back five rows.
They could have a section for each group. Singles could hang in the back few rows. Divorced people would sit in rows 3 through 7. Couples would hang out in a section together. There would be a section just for swingers. All all the screaming kids would be put in their own section.
Better yet, why not have an entirely separate plane just for kids. No adults, just the kids. Instead of flight attendants, there would be adult babysitters on the plane. They would walk around the plane serving three kinds of milk: breast, whole and skim. Can you imagine what those flight attendants would look like by the end of each trip? Green pea spit up on their shirts and all sorts of other craziness.
I actually think that singles should have their own plane . . . and even their own airline. On that airline, the cart would go around serving shots, cosmopolitans, martinis and Jaegermeister. Instead of peanuts, they would hand out condoms to each person.
There would be a special place for people to go to hook up and join the mile high club. If you think about it, this is a great idea and actually superior to other ways people meet and hook up.
Think if you were on a ten hour flight and ended up getting laid. Is that so crazy? People hook up all the time after two or three hours of talking to someone in a bar. Ten hours sitting and talking with someone on a plane is a long time to get to know someone. It’s like three dates worth of conversation smushed together into one trip.
On the singles airline, if you get laid on the flight you would earn triple miles. just think, three trips to Europe getting laid on each one and you’re executive platinum status. If you think executive platinum has benefits on American, on our airline you get your own waterbed in the back complete with a Hugh Hefner silk robe. Talk about priority seating. . .
This singles airline concept would definitely save the airline industry a lot better than collecting for UNICEF.
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Are you so obsessed with vagina that you’re missing business opportunities everywhere you go? So many people are out there just looking to meet vagina (I use the word ‘vagina’ very loosely; women are out there looking to meet penis!) So let’s talk about this.
So many men are so obsessed about getting into a woman’s pants that they miss business opportunities all of the time. For instance, let’s say you’re trying to start your own business.
The key to starting a business is customers – if you don’t have customers, you won’t have a business. So, technically, every person you meet is a potential customer – maybe not today, but down the road.
Life is about investing. I look at life like the stock market.
Some stocks you buy, wanting them to pop in five minutes, and then you want to bail out. I look at those as like having a one-night stand. You buy this stock, it goes up $2, you get in and you get out. You get a little bit of a high and you’re done. That’s like getting laid that night.
Other stocks you buy because you know the value of the company. You know it’s undervalued at the moment, but you’re making an investment in the company for the future.
It’s the same thing that happens in dating. When you’re dating someone, you’re making an investment in the moment for the future. Everybody you meet has some type of potential for you down the road.
So here’s what you should do. Get the business card of everyone you meet, and on the back of each card write down the following three things: (1) Where you met them, (2) when you met them and (3) three personal things you learned about them (e.g., what they like to do).
Let’s say four years down the road you open up your own business. Every person you’ve met over the last four years now sits in a stack of business cards on your desk.
Open up a Gmail account and enter all of these people into your address book. For each person input their name, address, phone number, email and all the things you noted about them on the back of the business card. Then when you’re working 75 hours a week trying to build your business, you can write personalized emails to all those people you met.
You can write emails like, “Hey Joe, greet meeting you. Remember we met about four years ago in Georgetown? It was interesting, we had this great conversation about French wine and I actually went out and bought two bottles that you recommended. I never emailed you to say thank you, but here it is! Listen, I just opened up my own financial planning business, and I’m reaching out to everyone because this is a real passion of mine. Whether you’re looking to invest now or in the future, I’d love to keep you abreast of things. I’m writing a newsletter that I’d like to send out to you. If you’d ever like to talk investments with me, then let’s get together sometime.” Then end it with “your friend,” “truly,” “see you soon,” or something else very personal.
So what does this mean? It means that every day, you’re out there cultivating potential clients and dates. You might meet a potential client on a Wednesday, and he may lay $1 million on you Thursday (which is like getting laid right away). Another one might take ten years to get (which is more like a relationship).
Regardless, you cultivate them the same way. Every single person you meet has to go into your database.
Even the person who does hire you right away is an important relationship to cultivate and maintain, because you want to keep them coming back for more. It’s like great foreplay. If you please them and they come back for more, that means you’ve essentially f*^ked them really well and left them very satisfied.
You’ve given them really good foreplay. You’ve gotten to know them — their body and their mind. You’ve gotten them off, they loved it and now they’re back for more.
Life if about treating everyone well. Don’t do business with someone that you don’t like. I tell people that all of the time. That’s why I speak to people on the phone before I do business with them. I have to see if I like them. If I like them, I’ll want to work with them.
To me, it’s a relationship that can last forever. If you do business with friends, than it’s like it’s not really business. Friends trust friends. That’s really what it comes down to in the end.
This dating and sex analogy is a bit weird to think about at first, but it’s true. You just have to make everybody feel good.
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Since I am so powerful in football predictions, I figured some of you will be waiting to hear my World Series predictions. Some of you are probably thinking, “Why can’t you predict when I’m going to get laid or when my next date will be?” Well that I can’t do (and that’s what my products are for).
I don’t care who makes it from the National League, because the Yankees are winning it all this year. You can take that prediction to the bank . . . and maybe even to the bedroom.
Life is not fair. The other night I was having a conversation with someone about sex. I’m not going to tell you all the specifics, other than to tell you that after that discussion, I was absolutely orgasm envious! So let’s talk about orgasms, and I will tell you the reason why I’m orgasm envious.
By the way, if I could have one wish it would be that I could have a vagina for a day. I just think it would be so much fun. I already know exactly what kind of orgasms I’d want to have. I’d love to know how to have multiple orgasms through all different ways.
I’d want to have a g-spot orgasm. Of course there is the clitoris, so I’d want at least one clitoral orgasm (since the only reason it exists is for pleasure). Then there is this other place way back in the bowels of the vagina that supposedly can create a whole other type of orgasm.
I mean, give me a break. Right there, that’s three different kinds of orgasms! We men only get one kind.
I really don’t, however, want to talk today about the unfairness of orgasm counts between the sexes. What I really want to talk about today is sexual prime.
By the time men hit the age of 25, they are basically out of their sexual prime. Age 25? Half of the guys out there don’t even get laid enough to enjoy their sexual prime while they’re in it. Then by the time they are getting enough sex, they are already out of their sexual prime.
Women, on the other hand, don’t hit their sexual prime until they are around 37 years old. Think about the way that balances out.
By the time a guy is 37 years old, he isn’t exactly producing the same amount of “little swimmers” as he used to produce. Not only that, he doesn’t really want to have sex five times a day anymore (while women at that same age are machines!).
It’s no wonder that 37 year old women are the number one consumers of vibrators. They can basically vibrate their day away.
It’s really not fair the way things line up here. It really seems like things are very askew. It’s no wonder that there are so many cougars running around out there.
If I were a 37 year old woman who was hanging out with a Viagra-infused 55 year old guy with no stamina, I would certainly go find myself a young buck. I mean look at Demi Moore.
Don’t ever give her a hard time. She has a guy who is (whoops, I mean was) in his sexual prime. Wait, she may need to go find someone even younger. Justin Timberlake and Zach Efron, Demi Moore may be calling you really soon.
All joking aside, it just doesn’t seem right how the sexual prime thing is set up. Is this God’s way of punishing us? Someone was being mean when they designed the penis and the vagina. Why aren’t those two things created to be in alignment with one another?
Can all the guys remember when you were 18 and you basically would hump the air every five seconds (almost like a dog that humps the air all the time)? The reason why you were humping air was because you constantly wanted your dick to be touched.
I remember when I was 18 years old. I was so penis conscious, it was ridiculous. I felt my penis nonstop. No, I don’t mean that I touched my penis nonstop. I was just aware of it nonstop.
My penis led my life. It made me sleep with some really iffy women. It wasn’t my idea to sleep with them. It was my penis’ idea.
Not only that, but some guys can’t snuggle with a woman until they hit 28 years old. When you are a male who is 22 or 23 years old and your girlfriend asks you to snuggle, you have to go to the bathroom and snap a load off before you can do it.
This sexual prime gap between men and women just does not seem fair. Something is kharmically wrong here! It’s a mean joke. It’s like our sexual primes should have been matched.
Then again, some of this seeming mismatch may actually have been designed better than we thought. So although a guy past his sexual prime may no longer be able to pump and grind five times in one night, he can really satisfy a woman during the one time they do it and will be more likely to want to engage in a lot more of the foreplay that women crave so much.
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