You are on a ten hour flight coming back from wherever you’ve been — from a secret location vacation. That’s what I like to call my vacations: secret location vacations. (We had a great time on ours by the way).

So we are nearly at the end of our ten hour flight back to Los Angeles, when the flight attendant becomes just really annoying. Here we are, watching our fourth movie and enjoying it. It was a really great movie called “My Sister’s Keeper,” and we’re getting close to the gut-wrenching end when the poor girl is dying of cancer.

Then, all of a sudden, the movie freezes on the screen as the flight attendant gets on the P.A. system to talk to us about . . . money. Yes, she wanted to announce that they were sending around a bag to collect money for UNICEF.

Now maybe if they had brought around a giant plastic pumpkin — or even one of those orange boxes like we used to use when I was a kid — then I might have given them my leftover change. To pass around a garbage bag, though, is just showing there there is no innovation.

It was also really annoying to have her go into this long speech about UNICEF when I just wanted to see the end of the movie. When the movie final did resume, the pilot gets on the speakers.

Who cares that we are almost there. Just land the plane. Then he gives us a guided tour of what is below us. As I am in a middle row, I can’t possibly see that we’re flying over Vegas.

Then the movie comes back on, except it is interrupted again by one of my favorite things in the world:the welcome to America video. It’s such a wonderful video. It teaches you how to make it through customs as if you are retarded.

Look, I’ve flown into England, Germany and lots of other countries, and nobody else plays a video about what to do when you get there. That’s part of the fun of going — not knowing what to do, what to claim and what to fill out.

The United States, however, has an entire patriotic video. Any of you who work for the government are probably cringing right now because I probably sound very anti-American.

The truth is that I am not anti-American at all. I just do not want to watch these videos . . . especially during a crucial part of the movie I’m trying to finish on the plane.

When they finally put the movie back on again, then the flight attendant comes over and says she wants to put my headphones away before we land in another 20 minutes. I looked at her and said, “No, you’ve already interrupted the move fourteen times.”

So if any of you work for the airlines, please help out and see what you can do about getting rid of those videos. Also, although I don’t mind giving money to causes, do we have to be asked while we’re on a plane?

We already give money everywhere we go. You are at the airport and a Hari Krishna hits you up before you hit the plane. You get off the plane, and some guy in a priest outfit is hitting you up for some type of Catholic school thing.

I mean everywhere you go, people are asking for money. Really, I’d like to see some ingenuity at least from the people asking me for the money. I’d like to see the first bum on the street with a credit card processing machining. That would really impress me. Instead of asking for change, they could tell you that they take PayPal, American Express, Visa and Master Card.

My feelings about airplanes would be different if the airlines offered better things on a plane. It would be different if when you boarded a plane, they asked if you were single and seated you with the other single people. I mean, how many times have you walked down the aisle of the plane toward your seat and thought, “Why aren’t I sitting next to THAT person?!”

You could change seats throughout the flights and get to socialize with lots of different people. They could designate a whole singles section in the back of the plane. It could be like a mini speed dating event in the back five rows.

They could have a section for each group. Singles could hang in the back few rows. Divorced people would sit in rows 3 through 7. Couples would hang out in a section together. There would be a section just for swingers. All all the screaming kids would be put in their own section.

Better yet, why not have an entirely separate plane just for kids. No adults, just the kids. Instead of flight attendants, there would be adult babysitters on the plane. They would walk around the plane serving three kinds of milk: breast, whole and skim. Can you imagine what those flight attendants would look like by the end of each trip? Green pea spit up on their shirts and all sorts of other craziness.

I actually think that singles should have their own plane . . . and even their own airline. On that airline, the cart would go around serving shots, cosmopolitans, martinis and Jaegermeister. Instead of peanuts, they would hand out condoms to each person.

There would be a special place for people to go to hook up and join the mile high club. If you think about it, this is a great idea and actually superior to other ways people meet and hook up.

Think if you were on a ten hour flight and ended up getting laid. Is that so crazy? People hook up all the time after two or three hours of talking to someone in a bar. Ten hours sitting and talking with someone on a plane is a long time to get to know someone. It’s like three dates worth of conversation smushed together into one trip.

On the singles airline, if you get laid on the flight you would earn triple miles. just think, three trips to Europe getting laid on each one and you’re executive platinum status. If you think executive platinum has benefits on American, on our airline you get your own waterbed in the back complete with a Hugh Hefner silk robe. Talk about priority seating. . .

This singles airline concept would definitely save the airline industry a lot better than collecting for UNICEF.

The last day of the bootcamp is always comprised of all of the clients going out together in the stores and working on everything they’ve learned over the weekend. It’s always a really great day.

I was with Justin, who is from Japan, and we were talking about the experience that a lot of guys have when they move to the United States. They may have been here a few years, and they know the language well, but they aren’t entirely confident in speaking it yet.

The frustrating thing is that when they talk to people, they can hear them and understand what they are saying, but the immediate response in their head is in their first language.

The response in their head could be something really clever or funny, but then when they go to spit it out in English, it just doesn’t work that well. It’s frustrating. It’s like, damn, that’s not what I meant to say!

So when they come to something like a bootcamp and learn how to talk to the opposite sex, these guys think to themselves, oh my god, I have to be so fast! How can I think that quickly?

The problem is that they can’t. And this frustrates them immensely! Deep down, they have so much to talk about, but they just aren’t able to spit it out in English because the way that it sounds in their head is not the way it comes out.

They just aren’t yet confident in their command of the English language. The words don’t come out the way that they want them to, and sometimes it sounds funny.

But here’s the thing: even I butcher the English language. You should hear some of the things that come out of my mouth. I can’t pronounce the word ‘drawer.’ To me, that should be pronounced ‘draw-ah.’ According to Rey, I also butcher the word ‘water,’ making it sound like ‘wadder.’

We all have some type of language barrier. Guys that come from another country evaluate themselves so much more and they are so incredibly self-critical. But you just have to get out there.

The more you talk, the better you’ll get at the language. Look at Rey. Rey couldn’t speak a word of English four years ago, and now he can carry on a conversation with just about anyone. Sure, there are times where he butchers the language, and there are times where he speaks a little bit too lowly – but you have to realize that it’s a long evolution.

So when you go out there, just do it! Just speak slowly and with a smile on your face. If you’re having a good time with it, people will be attracted to you.

There is a guy named Yu that butchers the English language so bad – he is Engrish beyond belief. But he’s always having a good time with it, and when the words don’t come out right, nobody even cares.

If you feel like everyone is evaluating your language skills, don’t feel that way. No one is looking at you and laughing. What they are thinking about is, oh what a nice guy. And the other person will actually slow down their speech automatically for you.

If your energy is there, it will keep the other person interested, and they will want to stay engaged in the conversation. So remember: it’s about your energy, it’s not about how you say it!