I love that term, “They don’t want you to know about it.” Who are “they?” Are they a committee of people? Do they form this powerful committee together called the “they’s?”
Another term we use all the time, “Everyone recommended this movie.” Who’s everyone? It’s funny, somebody will tell you about a movie and they’ll say this movie is great, everybody recommends it. Have you seen it? No, not at all.

So then all of a sudden, because we’re so programmed, all of a sudden we’ll start talking about movies we’ve heard. I’ve heard this is great, everybody says it’s great. Who’s everybody? With these people, is it Bill, is it Tom, is it Ted, is it Mary, is Alice? Who exactly is everybody? And why did they all say the movie is great?

Dating And Small Talk

So you can use both terms, you can use everybody and they. Everybody, they all said it was great. See a new restaurant in town, everybody says it’s great food. Who’s everybody? Nobody covers their lists of people and here is the deal: I’m pretty particular about where I eat, I’m very particular where I vacation, I’m very particular about what type of movie I see.
So I want referrals, I want names.

I want to see if these people even like these people who are recommending this movie to me. We really misuse some terms and I find it really amusing.
Everybody says that this is a great blog, they should all read it. Who’s everybody? And who’s they?
And how do we use this when we meet someone? Think about making fun of the they’s in the world.

You can not believe that you have made it this far.

The date that you have planned for tonight? Well, it’s worked out. Oh yes, you know everything about it! It doesn’t matter that it’s presently 2011–it doesn’t matter at all. You can see the future. Years down the road, you’re able to look into the future and know exactly how that date’s going to go tonight.

Aren’t you relaxed now? Isn’t it amazing knowing that THIS is the person you’re going to marry in a couple of years? Can’t you now just relax on this date and not obsess so much about it? The date you’re on is in 2011. But in your head, it’s 2017. 2011 has merely called back to you six years later to tell you how well the date you’re going to have tonight worked out.

What am I talking about here? Future people! Future men and future women, that’s what I’m talking about it. You’re the person who’s such a nervous wreck about a future date that you spend your entire time leading up to that date obsessing about what to do! You even talk to friends: “What should I talk about? What do you think I should tell my date about me, hm? What do you think I should talk about on this date?” Once you’ve set the date, you think about how many times you need to text him or her until the first date to keep their interest level up. You strategize about the date ahead of time. You wonder when to kiss ahead of time. You think about the right moment to hold her hand ahead of time.

You think about when to flip your hair to show him you’re interested. You think about interesting topics to talk about ahead of time.

That’s not a date, that’s just worrying! You’re making it so hard on yourself. Here’s the deal: you set the date, you confirm the date the day before, and then you meet them at the place you confirmed. You don’t think about what signs to look for or what to say. You don’t plot out a whole conversation. You don’t think about when the perfect time to kiss is. You stay present in the moment. That’s what you do. You have a conversation as you would any conversation with any other person that you’ve met.

You need to stop worrying about what this person is going to be in the future, because when you worry about the future, there is not going to be any future. There will be no future at all. So many people, all the time, worry so much about what to say on a date. When you go out with your friends, do you plot out an entire outline of things to talk about, or do you just stay present and have a good time? The most powerful thing about a date is that the person you’re with can really get to know who you are. They can get to know your interests, what you’re about, have a conversation, see if you two really connect.

The absolute worst thing you can do on a date is water yourself down. Just be yourself, talk, and listen. And of course, on a date don’t talk about how wounded you have been from past relationships. Keep it positive, talk about the good times. Stop obsessing about whether or not she thinks (or he thinks) it’s a date or if you’re going out as friends.

It’s a date if you set it up that way. If your intentions are clear, if you’re not hiding a secret agenda, it’s a date whether you’re taking them out for dinner, for coffee, for a drink, for a walk in the park—as long as you set it up as a date. Stop obsessing about what to do.

Don’t try to get to know the “future him” or the “future her” or “future both-of-us-together”. Play it cool and really just get to know her. And to the women right now reading this, get to know him.

Sometimes you’re with people and you just get annoyed. Do you know what I’m talking about? You’re just not in the mood. I think everyone goes through this.

I think everybody hits a point during their life — whether it’s for a week or a month or even longer — where people (ALL people) just annoy you. Your boss annoys you. Your lover annoys you. Your friends annoy you.

It could be your best friend who tells you the same story over and over again that he has been telling you for years about why he can’t meet someone or about the problems in his relationship. It could be that one habit of your lover’s that normally just kind of bugs you, that you now you can’t stand to be around.

It doesn’t matter what it is. People in general will annoy each other on a regular basis.

So what do you do to avoid fights, or to avoid pissing people off, when they annoy you?

You just acknowledge it, and realize it’s going to pass. Life is just a series of moments that pass. Whatever it is that annoys you about someone at one moment will pass.

These moments will not last. So what you need to do during these times is to go out on the beach and scream at the waves, take a swim, work out or something like that.

Allow yourself to go deep inside yourself and get all pissed off. Yell, scream or do whatever it is you need to do blow off steam. That way, when you are around people again you will be your most charming, sweet and lovable self.

What do I do when people annoy me? I tend to go off into my man den.

Every man should have a man den. Every man needs a man den. It’s his place of complete and utter peace.

When people annoy me, I will sometimes go up into my man den and read some Internet sites that are interesting me at the moment. That kind of calms me down.

Sometimes I will take Daphne for a walk. Then again, Daphne is so slow that she will annoy me because she is that slow.

Sometimes I will chill out and watch a television show. Lately I’ve been watching Dexter. That show is a lot of fun. Getting lost in a television show or a movie is a great way to get your mind off the fact that you’re irritable.

These are some of the things I do. So when you’re feeling this irritation with people, find whatever works that will allow you to blow off some steam and to take your mind off of it. Everyone will be happier for it.

Let’s talk about the lure of Black Friday. Black Friday was yesterday. It has some kind of allure. People get this feeling that they just have to be out there shopping on that day. They think, “Oh my God, it’s Black Friday. I’ve got to be there!”

We all know that there are only two plasma televisions per store that they are selling for $529.00 and that there are no rainchecks . . . and yet we still go. People still go to that store thinking they are going to get the deal of the century.

Let me tell you, there is no deal of the century.  Every single day, you could have been getting deals in any store. It’s called having negotiation skills.

Granted, you can’t go into Wal-Mart and start negotiating deals on big screen televisions. What I like to do, though, is go to the small ‘mom and pop’ stores to negotiate deals because those are stores that appreciate your business, will negotiate and are going to give you the best customer service.

Always ask for a discount.  I always ask for some type of discount.  I say “Can I have a discount? Would you give a better deal if I pay cash? Can I save money on the taxes?” It doesn’t matter exactly what you say, but you never know until you ask.

To me, every day is Black Friday. Perhaps I am not going to get that $529.00 plasma television, but I am also not going to wait in line at 2:00 in the morning to get one.

Now I have a question to pose to all the single people who did go out shopping on Black Friday. Did you actually talk to people? Did you realize the power of Black Friday (that I talked about in yesterday’s blog)?

Did you heed the advice that I gave you in yesterday’s blog?  If you didn’t, then you missed really the best opportunity to get the best deal of the day — which was meeting someone who doesn’t want to spend the holidays alone.

Although people were not marked down yesterday, people do get lonely this time of the year. We start thinking about our events from the last year.  We think about how much we’ve dated (or haven’t dated) during the past year. We think about if we were successful dating.  

We also take inventory during this time of the year. We take inventory of our emotions, our thoughts and our feelings.

So ask yourself whether you missed an opportunity for some real human interaction yesterday. Were you out chasing the illustrious Black Friday deals and missed the biggest deal out there?

Well, it’s true. You have to wake up at 1:00 in the morning, be first in line, and be armed with a great pair of track shoes so you can sprint faster than everyone else to get the one and only plasma television they are selling for $529.00.

Here’s something, though, about which probably none of you are thinking on Black Friday. Black Friday is probably one of the best days to meet people.

Why? People are out and about all day long. People are also thinking about the holiday season.

They just spent Thanksgiving with their family.  Families are wonderful at making you feel like a total loser.  When are you going to get married?  When are you going to have kids?  How come you’re not dating anybody this year? Wow, you’ve spent a lot of this year alone.

Family members will give you what I call “the holiday guilt,” because they make you feel like your entire life has been wasted or that you are wasting your entire life. You’re not dating anybody, so you’re dateless.  How many of you heard some version of this on Thanksgiving: “God, at your age most people are already married. All your friends are married, aren’t they?”

This happens so often around the holidays because we spend more time with our family than we do with friends. Often we overdose on time with family during this time of the year.

You go home for Thanksgiving for four days.  You go home for Christmas for four days. During all of those days you get tortured by your grandmother, you mothers, your father, and an occasional aunt, as they take inventory on the past year of your dating life, your career and the rest of your life.

So when you’re out shopping today for your lovely family and other friends, remember what kind of emotional state most people are in after spending yesterday with their family watching their sister with her three happy children when they don’t have any children.

That’s what being with family does to you.  It doesn’t mean that family does this maliciously at all. It’s just the way family is.  

When you are shopping today, start talking to people and ask people how their Thanksgiving was.  You’ve got stories to share. Ask them, “Who are you getting this gift for?” or “How was yesterday?” or “Did your family give you the 411 like mine did?

Really think about people’s emotions today and how open people are on the day after Thanksgiving. After someone has spent a full day with their family giving them Jewish guilt (or any other kind of guilt), they are emotionally open because they’ve taken inventory. They have actually thought about what their family said.

People are very sensitive, and can really take to heart what their family says to them. They feel uncomfortable with what their family says to them.

So when you’re out there today shopping on Black Friday, talk, flirt and ask people if they got the one plasma television that was on sale for $529.00. Have fun in line if you’re one of those people who will be waiting in a line for the special 5:00 pm deals they have later in the day.  

If you’re single, get your ass out there to shop. Don’t shop on the Internet.

I tell everyone who is single not to shop on the Internet, because you can get deals that are just as good in the stores. You can quote the Internet prices to stores, and many of them will match them.

For those of you who are single and who celebrate Christmas, it’s time to go shopping every single day. I will talk plenty about this between now and ho ho ho.

You’re out in public and you hear a loud bang, or you hear someone yell “Hey!” and it startles you. You’re just always on edge, and you always feel like you’re on edge. You just feel like you can’t relax no matter what.

The reason why you can’t relax is because you’re in your head so much. You’re always thinking.

You’re always thinking about what you don’t have in life. You’re always thinking that other people are judging you or criticizing you. This makes you jumpy because you feel like the world is against you.

For some odd reason, you feel like it’s you against the rest of the world. That is so wrong because, in truth, the rest of the world doesn’t give a shit about you at all. The rest of the world is not thinking about you, obsessing about you or talking about you. Nobody is talking about you . . . ever.

Despite what you have conjured up in your mind, when you walk into a college classroom, all of the girls don’t start talking about you. They don’t start whispering to each other, “Look who’s here – jumpy boy.” When you walk into your office, everyone is not talking and whispering about you saying, “Look who’s here, insecure man.” When you walk into Starbucks, the barista behind doesn’t turn to the barista next to him and say, “Oh my God, there’s the guy girls always blow off.”

Do you know why people THINK any of these things are actually happening? It is because people are so self-absorbed and they only think about themselves.

Other people are not thinking about you or worrying about what is happening in your life. They are thinking about themselves just like you are thinking about yourself.

So if you are jumpy and cannot relax, you need to get a physical outlet. Go dancing, do a yoga class, go for a run or go workout. Do something to calm yourself down. Go for a long hike or walk. Get a cat or a dog.

Do something that will relax you. That way, when you go out you will always have a feeling of relaxation about you and your energy will be much better.

Stop being jumpy. The world is not after you, and the world is not against you. The world is actually there for you to conquer and to enjoy.

Think about your past relationships at the point they were ending, or at the point when you and your partner were “on the outs.” All of a sudden you get to a point in the relationship where you’re having sex, you’re fighting, and you’re not really connecting.

Then one day you’re angry because you haven’t had enough sex, so you beat off. You think to yourself, “This isn’t bad. I can do this again.” The next time you fight with your partner and have sex, you realize it’s not really working at all. You jerk off again.

Pretty soon you are jerking off a couple of times a week. You start to not care anymore about having sex with your partner. You are able to fight with your partner without any emotion.

You become a lot more mellow because you’re not dying for them. You’re not relying on them sexually. You’re not needing them sexually anymore. You’re just basically alright with wherever you are.

It’s the weirdest thing, but if you think about it there is almost a cycle to masturbation.

When you first meet a woman (or a man), you’re really hot for them — and even have sexual fantasies when you think about them — so you masturbate.

Then you start having sex with that person all the time, and you don’t need to masturbate anymore.

You will masturbate for fun, like if you masturbate together. You show each other how you touch yourself. You turn each other on that way.

Maybe you will masturbate alone if you’re not with your partner for a week. You’ll always tell your partner about it, though, and turn each other on by doing that.

At some point in the relationship, you start masturbating two or three times a week, and are hardly having sex anymore with your partner. You start to think, “What went wrong here?”

What went wrong is that you’re not connecting anymore. What went wrong is that you’re not sexually turned on by that person anymore.

At that point, you realize that it’s not worth it – what you’re going through in that relationship — because you’re not connecting and you’re fighting all the time. Looking at when, how and why you’re masturbating in a relationship is usually an indication of what’s going on in that relationship.

One time, I went to a seminar where all the guy leading the seminar wanted the audience to do was to say “Yes!” over and over again. No matter what the seminar leader said, he expected the audience to respond to with just one word: Yes!

You don’t ever want to be a “yes man” (or a “yes woman”). Why are you saying yes? Why are people “yes men” or “yes women?”

The reason is that they are insecure. They actually feel like nobody wants them, so when they find someone with whom to have a relationship, they agree with everything.

They’re so afraid to rock the boat. They’re so afraid that if they don’t say yes to everything that they’re going to lose this person and never have a chance at another relationship again.

Unfortunately they are unaware of one thing. The truth is that nobody wants to be with a “yes man” (or a “yes woman”).

It drives me crazy to be around these kind of people. I have friends who are “yes men,” and have been stuck in conversations like this:

DW: “Do you want Thai food?”
YesMan: “Yes.”
DW: “How about Mexican food?”
YesMan: “Sure.”
DW: What do you want to eat?
YesMan: “I want whatever you want.”

I really can’t stand it.

Stand up for yourself, have an opinion on things and don’t be afraid to communicate. People will respect you more.

I never respect “yes people.” If someone yes’s me to death, I don’t respect them because they don’t feel like my equal.

Everyone is each other’s equal. So if you feel like you’ve been a “yes man” or a “yes woman” in relationships, then it’s time for you to start saying the magic word: No!

These are two letters you need to learn — “n” and “o.” Use them. Be one with “no.”

In reality, what is going on in that situation is that your penis is talking to you. It is saying, “Hey, Mr. Big Head up there. Yeah, you between the shoulders. Mr. Penis here. Listen, man, I think this girl is really hot and really want to get into her. So try not to f^*k it up this time. Please don’t say the wrong thing, because I really want to hit that vagina tonight. Please don’t f^*k it up and say that stupid thing you said last time you approached a woman. Play it safe this time.”

This is what your penis is doing. Your penis is controlling your head. If it wasn’t, then your head would be thinking “I’m a cool guy. Man, I’m awesome. I’m great. There is a pretty girl over there, but who cares? There are tons of pretty girls in the world. I’m just looking for the one I can really connect with who really gets me. Let me go over and talk to her and see what she’s all about. Let’s see if I even like her at all. I’ll ask her out for a cup of coffee and get to know her a little bit.”

That is what the rational mind would be saying. The problem, however, is that we are so driven by what’s inside our pants. We are so driven by Mr. Penis. Since Mr. Penis doesn’t understand anything rational, he gives his power away every single time.

So the next time you see a good-looking woman, stop looking for validation. Stop listening to Mr. Penis. When you do that, you will realize that you are an amazing person.

This is exactly what I did so that my penis never controlled how successful my approaches were. CLICK HERE to listen to me go through it step-by-step.

I have something I’m working on right now that is one of my biggest fears, and which is challenging me more that I have ever before been challenged. It is something I work on every single day, and something I kick myself in the ass about every single day.

So let’s talk about fears today. Let’s find out how to overcome any fear — whether it’s approach anxiety, fear of commitment, fear of having children or whatever it might be.

Everyone is in a different place in their life. Everyone has different fears.

I remember when I used to have a fear of flying. I was terrified to fly. It was one of my worst nightmares.

I always thought the plane was going to crash. I thought that turbulence meant that the plane was about to fall apart. During much of my 20′s I didn’t even travel, because I thought I was going to die in a plane crash.

Now I am addicted to traveling. How did that shift take place?

I started traveling. I started getting on airplanes. I started relaxing. I started listening to good music. I started thinking positive thoughts.

When I got on an airplane, I would meditate. It became my quiet time.

Now I actually find being on an airplane to be one of the most meditative things I can do. Granted, the seats hurt my ass really badly. My brain, however, really just loves to zone out on a plane and relax. It’s one of my top ten favorite things to do.

So how do you get over a fear that you have? You think positive things. You envision the outcome.

If you have a fear of approaching women, then envision what it feels like to be able to approach any woman you want. If you have a fear of having kids, then visualize how amazing it’s going to be to hold your son or daughter for the first time. If you have a fear of commitment, visualize how incredible it will be to get really deep with somebody.

It’s all about visualizing my friends. Visualize all the beauty of what it’s going to feel like to get there (wherever the “there” is relative to your fear). Then when you’re on the journey to get there, you will hold on to the beauty of that vision the entire trip.

I talk more deeply and in detail about how I overcame all my own fears. Click to find out how to get rid of approach anxiety and any other fears today.