It’s all because some of you wait so long to approach them. You sit there wondering “How do I approach her? What do I say?”

And all you are doing is stalling… By the time you actually muster up the nerve, you scare her half to death.

Here is an email I received from a client.

Dear David,

T

Today’s podcast is all about how to get rid of that nervous feeling and never scare another woman again!

To Download Today’s Podcast Click Here.

“Embrace change at my own pace.”

I embrace change at my own pace.

You need to really take that statement in and listen to what it’s saying. How many times in a relationship have you talked to someone and given them your point of view, and then expected them to just react right away?

Let’s say you’re dating someone and you’ve been talking a little here and there about moving in together. Then you say to the other person that you want to move in with them and you list all the reasons why it’s a good idea. Do you then expect the other person to immediately respond with an answer? Do you get angry if they don’t immediately react and respond?

So many of us spend so much time wanting people to react the way we react. We want them to react exactly how we react and do it when we want them to do it.

Think about this from a little different perspective. When you are in a relationship and decide you’re ready to bring up a really important subject with your partner, you have almost always spent a lot of time thinking about and processing that topic before you actually bring it up.

Your partner, however, is just hearing about that topic for the first time when you raise it with them, and they haven’t had the benefit of being able to process the subject like you have. So don’t expect them to be ready to respond in that instance.

So many of us spend so much time wanting people to react the way we react. Then if and when they don’t react in that exact way, we start freaking out and playing mind games with ourselves.

I am equally guilty of that. In my relationship, sometimes I will have a conversation with my girlfriend and I’ll say something to her to which I want an answer that day. When I do this, she always says to me, “Give me time. Let me react in my own time.”

So many of us make assumptions. We hear what we want to hear. How many times do you have selective hearing?

Say you call someone on a Saturday. They don’t call you back that day . . . or the next one. Do you text them three times asking, “How come you haven’t called me back? Why aren’t you calling me back?” Perhaps they didn’t have their phone on them.

How many times to do you send an email to someone at 10:00 a.m. and, if you don’t get a response by noon, you send another email asking “How come you never responded to my email?” Allow people to respond on their own time.

When you allow people to respond on their own time you are not only going to get the response you desire (because the answer will come from their heart), but it’s going to be a real response and not a forced one.

People suffocate each other all the time, and they don’t allow each other the space they each need to reflect on these “heavy” conversation topics. When we do that, it’s a reflection of the lack of trust and faith in both the other person and in yourself. That instant gratification you want really can ruin a relationship, because you are forcing someone to answer you when they are not ready.

There is no reason to force people into answering when they’re not ready. There is no reason to make someone say something they’re not ready to say.

Have some patience in life. The more patient you are in a relationship, the greater a relationship with someone will be. So many of you ruin relationships that could potentially be great because of the way you force it.

If you give people time, then a relationship will grow and become exactly what you need it to be. You need to have trust and faith, because neurosis will just drive people crazy.

In today’s podcast, I talk more about communication and about how bringing up these heavy conversation topics can create fear and anxiety in all of us. Then I go into how to relax and feel better about talking out the tough times in your life with friends, relationship partners and business associates. This is one you don’t want to miss!

Click here to listen now:

Also, if you want to learn how to completely transform your mindset and learn how to become a master communicator in your dating and relationship life, then be sure to check out my Men’s Mastery Series and my Women’s Mastery Series.

I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, but one of the best Sunday exercises is going to a museum or an art gallery and hanging out there.

Hang out there for two or three hours and have conversations with every single person you see. Everyone.

Walk over to them and say, “excuse me, what do you think of this painting?” or “how does this painting make you feel?” You will get into great conversations all day long.

This teaches you a few things. For one, it shows you that people don’t bite – nothing bad is going to happen to you if you talk to people.

Secondly, it’s great practice. It teaches you how to listen. You have to listen to be able to talk about the subject that you’re discussing.

Specifically in terms of artwork, there is so much going on in front of you. We’re in a museum right now, and a client just told me how easy it is in here, because there are so many things to talk about – the things on the wall, the collections, etc.

But life itself is like a museum! After you go to a museum, you can walk around your life and find anything to talk about. You find things to discuss and things to ask questions about.

Today, during a bootcamp, we started at a food market, and all of the conversations started with talking about brownies and pastries. And all of those people we talked to came back to talk to us later.

This is why observations are so powerful. In a grocery store, in a museum, in an art gallery – you have all of these opportunities to talk about the things that are going on.

Josh: I felt like we were doing pretty well with the women from the triathlon. There was one woman that I had a really good connection with, and I was about ready to ask her for her number, but then they left.

If I saw her again, what would you do to keep the conversation going the second time? How would you follow up?

David: We talked about that, with the whole blog on follow up we just did. I’ll answer it again because I think it’s a great question.

There is something about coaching and learning about repetition – I will repeat the same things today over and over again in different ways. Why? There are studies from sales trainings that show that you have to tell someone something six or seven times to get it to become a part of the person’s thoughts and behavior.

This is all very repetitive – everything we are going to be doing, from the places we go to the tables we sit at will be repetitive. When guys buy my products, I tell them all the time to listen to them over and over again. My voice will become your voice. Of course, you’ll process it in a different way.

So, let’s do it again. Follow up is very easy. The next time you see her, bring her back to the moment when you met her the first time.

When I ran into the couple from LA in Barney’s, I remembered they were from LA because I had already talked to them. I already knew where they were from, along with five or six other details about them.

I see them in Barney’s, and I think to myself, hmm, what do we have in LA that we also have in Seattle? Barney’s. So I walked over to them and asked, “what are you guys doing in Barney’s? We have this in LA!” and this started a whole new thread of conversation.

She replied, “oh my god, you’re right! But I hate the one in LA because I hate shopping with Beverly Hills snobs,” and BOOM! – we had a whole new conversation topic. I asked, “what about the Beverly Hills snobs do you hate? And by the way, you live in Beverly Hills! You live among those snobs!” I teased her a little bit and that got the conversation rolling again.

You’re going to see that you’ll run into the same people throughout the day and that is how you follow up with them. Even if you don’t see the same person for another week, you can still bring them back to the moment by saying, “oh my god, Barney’s girl!” “Oh my god, Pomeranian girl – how’s your dog doing?”

You can bring them back with that follow up. What makes top salespeople amazing is that whenever they go to a meeting with someone they remember details about that person. They remember things from that first conversation.

Whenever you talk to someone on the phone, find out things about him or her. I used to teach sales seminars, and I would always teach that the object is not to sell something, but to relate and to bond with someone and to sell yourself. We all want to do business with people that we like.

There is a reason why I will never take money from anyone for coaching him or her until they call me. You remember this from our phone call, when I talked to you during a hail storm in Santa Fe – if I don’t like you, I don’t care how much money you have – I’m not going to work with you.

I have to relate to you and spend a weekend with you. I’m giving up my time to spend a weekend with all of you guys. I have to like you. You have to fit in and be part of what I want to coach.

In the early days when I was still building my business, I would take anyone in. After the first 20 minutes of the weekend I’d want to jump off the escalator because I just didn’t click with the client.

So when it comes down to it, you want to do business with people that you like. When I was teaching sales, I used to tell guys to go into an office and look at the personal photos and begin to bond with someone.

It’s all about abundance again. There are plenty of people that I can coach, and there are plenty of sales deals that a person can close. I fill up bootcamps every month. I could probably do two per month but I like to do my own thing the other three weekends! My coaches in LA always want to do them more often, but I like my life the way it is. I like the balance I’ve struck with everything.

Chris: I’ve seen a lot of different stuff in personal development – lots of small transformations – and when I was talking to you on the phone you weren’t trying to close the deal on me. You were just being laid-back and cool and you were very straight with me. Not everyone is like that, and I really admire it. It’s one of the reasons I wanted you to coach me.

David: Well you were also thinking about doing the more expensive weekend, and I told you it wasn’t worth it.

Chris: Yeah, you were just straight up with me.

David: He wanted to do my 101 weekend and I listened to him and found out what he needed. I’ll do 101 weekends with people that really need it. I tell every single guy that calls me up about the bootcamp – I think the bootcamp dynamic really teaches you a lot.

There are guys who just need that 101 handholding all weekend. It’s 48 hours of very intense training. And I listened to you and where you were at in your life and I said, “no! Do this bootcamp first and if you want to do 101 down the road, sure, but I don’t think you need it.”

Chris: Yeah, I appreciated that honesty. I appreciate that ethic. It’s one thing I really admire about you.

David: When I started this business ten years ago, I didn’t have this abundance. I had to learn about abundance. I lost $300,000 in 1997, which is a lot of money. And I have no problem talking about it.

That was the worst year of my life. I was young, I was at the point where my business life was on this escalator going up and I made three of the worst decisions ever. It was just one after another. I could not believe I made three awful decisions like that in the span of like three months. I went from being very smart to being ridiculously stupid all of a sudden.

But I did it, and I needed to learn those lessons. Those were important lessons for me at that time. I also didn’t have abundance, so I was trying to be very greedy. I was trying to do things I didn’t really like and trying to make money however possible. I learned an incredible lesson.

I learned about abundance from taking on business in the beginning that I wasn’t really interested in. Life is abundant. There is always another one.

If you see a pair of jeans you like, but you miss it – don’t worry! There is always another pair. If you travel the world, there is always another place to go.

Women? We’ve been sitting now here at the escalators for about 45 minutes and there has been an abundance of women going up and down the escalators. We could sit here all day long, and I guarantee that every one of you could have a dinner date by the end of the day.

I believe in abundance in everything. I’m looking for that house right now. Someone else could put a contract down on that house today. I’ll find out on Thursday, and I’ll say to myself, there will be another house!

Todays podcast is all about how to get clear about life. Have you heard of the term optical illusion?

Today we create a whole new meaning of the term.

Click here to download…

David: We just had a great discussion about the definition of social anxiety. I’m going to have Josh explain the meaning, and then we’ll get a bit deeper into it.

Social anxiety is a disease that runs rampant all over the world – but it’s a self-imposed affliction. Of course, the pharmaceutical companies will try to medicate you with everything – take Paxil, take this, take that – but the fact is that social anxiety is not something that cannot be corrected with a few changes in behavior and mindset.

Josh, you totally got it, so I’m going to have you explain it.

Josh: Social anxiety arises from just not talking to people for long periods of time. Then the monkey chatter builds up and it’s impossible to be sociable. You’re not warmed up. You become afraid to do that which you haven’t been doing regularly.

David: Yeah. Let’s say you’re walking around the mall, or in the market, wherever, but the longer that you wait to talk to people, the more difficult it becomes.

Then you start judging yourself and overthinking. It’s not you judging yourself; it’s that internal voice that is judging you – the drunken monkey. It says to you, “oh man, you’re such a loser. What are you doing? You should have talked to those three people!”

It begins to build and you start responding to that inner voice. The minute you begin to talk back to that inner voice, you’re no longer present in the moment. You’re now in hell. You’re completely torturing yourself. You start saying to yourself, you’re so right! I should have talked to those people!

Do you remember Animal House? There’s that part where there’s the devil and an angel on each shoulder – all of a sudden you’ve got that devil and angel talking back and forth to each other.

“Yeah, you can really do this!” the angel says, and the devil responds, “no, you’re an idiot, man!” And then all of a sudden, it’s been like an hour since you’ve spoken to someone real!

The next thing you know, the beautiful woman you’ve been waiting for walks by – you catch her out of the glimpse of your eye – and you don’t notice anything about her. You can’t make any observations about her, and you don’t notice anything.

She was probably the easiest person to talk to all day because she had a look of confusion on her face and she dropped her bag – but you didn’t notice anything because you were too busy battling with no longer one drunken monkey but a whole zoo in your head. They’re just chattering away in there.

So, at this point, you need to do the following exercise to bring yourself back to reality: you need to ground yourself and center yourself. You have to tell the voice to SHUT UP.

Have you ever seen Nightshift? It’s a really funny movie with Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton – I think it’s one of the first films they ever did. It’s hysterical. Michael Keaton has this crazy internal voice that keeps talking, and finally, Henry Winkler says to him, “this is Chuck telling Bob to SHUT UP!”

You have to do the same thing inside your own head. “This is Joe telling the monkey chatter to SHUT UP!” Say it to yourself and start laughing about it. Calm yourself down and breathe.

So you screwed up for an hour? No big deal. You can move forward starting now. You can ground yourself again and make a pact with yourself. Promise yourself the following: “I’m going to talk to the next person that walks by. I will observe what they are feeling; I will observe their emotions. If I can’t read the emotion on their face I’ll observe something that they are wearing or anything I can compliment them on. I’m going to pay them a random compliment.”

If you pay them a random compliment, what are you doing? You’re offering it genuinely without expecting any outcome. This means that you can start building up your confidence again.

So you see someone and say, “oh man, that’s a cool watch.” They say, “oh, thank you,” and they smile. What is that telling the monkeys inside your head? It tells them to calm down because that smile is positive reinforcement.

That is how you can get rid of the drunken monkey, monkeys, or jungle in your head. There are guys I’ve worked with that have a jungle in there! They have monkeys, giraffes, lions and tigers! They have a whole neighborhood up there.

A guy I once coached said to me, “man, if you were in my head, you would know that this is a bad neighborhood. You don’t want to go there. I’m trying to get to the other side of town!”

So this is what you do to calm yourself down. You have to tell yourself to shut up, and you have to realize that it doesn’t matter whatever you missed. You have the abundance principle working for you – you still have the rest of the day or night – or even the rest of your life. So don’t judge yourself on the half hour where the monkeys took over inside your zoo.

Join us tomorrow for part 2.

This week we will explore the dreaded monkey chatter forever and all the women of the blog have the same voices and animals in their mind.

So this advice is great for you as well!!

Tomorrow I will post the full version in podcast format as well.