Hey Shogo,

I’ve been practicing what I’ve learned from you—using conversation skills, observations, etc—and I’ve become good at starting casual conversations in a very non-threatening manner.  But from the reactions I get with women, I sense that I am giving off more a friendly vibe as opposed to a sexual vibe. I’m not trying to make a girl wet on the spot, I just don’t want to give the impression that I’m looking for a friend.  I frequently gave a big friendly smile when striking up these conversations and I get a good reception, but I feel like a big puppy dog and I can feel the lack of sexual tension.  So how can I use my smile, body language, tone, mindset, etc. to demonstrate my (not-so-friendly) intentions when approaching women? Thanks Shogo!

Jason, Grand Rapids, MI

Hey Jason,

I can tell from your first sentence what your issue is.  You’re too concerned about approaching women in a very nonthreatening manner.  That’s really what so-called “approach anxiety” is all about when it comes down to it.  It’s not wanting to come across as a threat, not wanting to disturb the person you’re talking to, and not wanting to be seen as a jerk or a pervert.

The irony is that almost every single guy who is worried about being too threatening or coming across as a jerk is almost never threatening or a jerk.  What happens is that you suppress yourself so much in your conversations with women that all you’re really doing is suppressing your sexual edge.

Hiiiiii! It's Me!

Now that doesn’t mean that you have to read a seduction book and infuse sexual words in your conversations or try to make a woman think sexual thoughts by touching her or sending subliminal messaging or whatever.  That is creepy.  And perverted.

The woman you’re talking to is either going to think sexual thoughts about you or she is not.  You can’t change chemistry and you can’t change the way a woman imagines you.  But you can change the way that you think and the way that you feel about yourself, so that when you come across the right woman down the road who senses your energy, sparks will fly and she will get turned on by you.

What you want to do is start conversations in a very casual manner, not in a nonthreatening manner.  Forget about trying to be nonthreatening.  Jason, I’ve talked to you on the phone, you already are a nonthreatening guy.  You have a great vibe and a friendly demeanor.  The problem is that you are most likely afraid of confrontation, and that’s where your edge comes from.

Now this is a big topic, but I’ll touch on it briefly.

You need to develop that sexual edge.  Stand your ground.  Don’t be afraid of coming across a little offensive.  Don’t be afraid of being abrasive.  Don’t be afraid of expressing what you are really thinking during the conversation.  She’s a big girl, she can handle it.  The more you start letting your sexual thoughts out, the more you will start owning your own sexuality and you won’t be letting your penis control every decision you make.

The big puppy dog smile is ok, as long as you’re being real.  But the puppy dog smile is not ok when you’re doing it to mask what’s playing out behind the scenes.

What is happening is that you’re too wrapped up in coming across as nonthreatening that you’ve completely forgotten about saying what is really on your mind.  We’re all a little dirty, we’re all a little perverted in our own minds.  Men and women both.  Be comfortable with it.  Let those thoughts dance around in your head for a little bit, then let them out.  That way, when the time is right you’re going to turn that Golden Retriever puppy smile into the sly Doberman that’s never had a trip to the vet smile.

It’s all in your mindset–body language, smile, tone, all that will follow–but you have to change your mindset first and foremost or you will come across as very contrived and pick-uppy.

But anyway, then we went for a hike, we’ve probably written about 30 blogs today, we did some audio – we did a new audio confession, another one of my Girls Tell All series tonight – which is a very interesting product that is coming out that I’ll tell you about in a week or two.

Yakub and Khiem were asking me tonight how have I become so good at dirty talk. And really, I love dirty talk. And let’s not say ‘dirty,’ I’d rather use the term ‘naughty.’

So how did I get so good at naughty talk?

I have to thank my college girlfriend. Not Amy Alterman, Amy Alterman was my college girlfriend junior year. I used to call her FISP – which stood for Flicking Itching Scratching and Picking – she was definitely very neurotic, and I teased her, of course. I’ve always been teasing women since I was a child!

But I have to thank Ellen Weinberger. Ellen Weinberger was this hot, sexy girl from Livingston, New Jersey, that I went to American University with. And Ellen Weinberger – every guy in school wanted her. I met her when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. She had one of those incredible bodies – 5’3”, natural big breasts, thin little body, brunette, big eyes, and she just reeked of sex appeal.

She was one of the sexiest girls you’ve ever seen. Every guy wanted her in school, but the problem was: she had a boyfriend.

Her boyfriend was this guy named Norm. Norm walked with a limp because he got into some car wreck, so we called him the Limping Boyfriend from Brooklyn (of course, being immature 19-year-olds, that was about the most clever thing we could come up with.) Ellen and I had instant chemistry, but she had this boyfriend.
I used to go to her room, we used to catch a buzz, and we used to talk dirty to each other. We would literally sit there and tell each other what we would do to each other if we were both single. So I would leave her room, after getting her all hot, and she’d go sleep with her boyfriend (because every weekend she’d go to Brooklyn to see Norm.) I’d go out and have sex with some random little college babe that I’d tried to hook up with – sometimes I’d get lucky, sometimes I wouldn’t.

At the end of the weekend, I would always see Ellen again, and we’d catch a buzz, and I’d look directly into her eyes and tell her, flat out, that I’d thought about her while I was sleeping with someone else. And I’d tell her about the things I’d want to do to her, and how great it would be if she’d just dump Norm.

This went on for two years. We just talked dirty to each other for two years! It was unbelievable. It was the most freeing, fantastic experience. I couldn’t have her because she kept dating Norm, but the conversations got deeper, more erotic, and more sexual – I knew everything about her sexually.

Then, halfway through my senior year, I went to Florida and came back. It was 1984. January 1984 – the start of my last semester of college. That was the year that old man coats were in style – if you remember those long woolen coats you could get at thrift stores.

I bought an old man coat, I had a little suntan, and I walked into Ellen’s apartment. It was on a Thursday night – we used to go out on Thursday nights, we’d catch a buzz and then go out and drink some more. We used to just flirt and tease each other, and then I’d pick up another girl and she’d go to see Norm the next day.

I remember picking her up, and doing our usual thing, flirting, teasing, talking dirty to each other, and then I dropped her off at her apartment. I asked her if she was going to see Norm that weekend and she said she was actually going to stay around here. I said, alright, cool, and told her we should get together. She said alright, and then she grabbed me, and she kissed me!

Now this was like two years of dirty talk culminating in this fantastic kiss. I was kissing Ellen Weinberger, the girl that everybody at school wanted, and I finally had her!

Ellen Weinberger and I ended up going out for the next two years.

She taught me how to be free with my words. How to push the envelope – how to not care – because our situation was safe. I was busy turning her on for two years with dirty talk, and she was having sex with her boyfriend and thinking about the things that I’d said – and then she would tell me about it.

That’s how I learned how to talk dirty – that’s how I learned how to push it. That’s how I learned what to say, what not to say, and how to say it.

I have to thank Ellen for allowing me to be free. Ever since then, I’ve always been able to say what’s on my mind sexually. Always. Being sexually free is really what it’s about. When I talk dirty I’m not talking in a very graphic way, I’m talking very subliminally. But that’s how it all started.

I really believe that when you’re growing up, it’s the experiences that you have with the first couple of women that really set the stage to what kind of man you’re going to become. And I had fantastic sexual experiences with my first few girlfriends.

My high school girlfriend wouldn’t sleep with me, but we had foreplay all day long. So when all my friends were trying to get laid – thinking about it all the time and then not getting laid – I was getting some great education in foreplay. I learned the importance of foreplay at the age of 17!

And I learned the importance of dirty talk at the age of 19. I had to get really good at talking dirty to get Ellen to break up with Norm. It took me two years of dirty talk to get her to breakup. Two years of practice allows you to perfect it! Once I got her to breakup with Norm, I had the confidence to talk dirty to any woman out there.

So that’s my story of how I learned to talk dirty. What’s yours?