What is it about airplanes? Why are they so annoying now?
You are on a ten hour flight coming back from wherever you’ve been — from a secret location vacation. That’s what I like to call my vacations: secret location vacations. (We had a great time on ours by the way).
So we are nearly at the end of our ten hour flight back to Los Angeles, when the flight attendant becomes just really annoying. Here we are, watching our fourth movie and enjoying it. It was a really great movie called “My Sister’s Keeper,” and we’re getting close to the gut-wrenching end when the poor girl is dying of cancer.
Then, all of a sudden, the movie freezes on the screen as the flight attendant gets on the P.A. system to talk to us about . . . money. Yes, she wanted to announce that they were sending around a bag to collect money for UNICEF.
Now maybe if they had brought around a giant plastic pumpkin — or even one of those orange boxes like we used to use when I was a kid — then I might have given them my leftover change. To pass around a garbage bag, though, is just showing there there is no innovation.
It was also really annoying to have her go into this long speech about UNICEF when I just wanted to see the end of the movie. When the movie final did resume, the pilot gets on the speakers.
Who cares that we are almost there. Just land the plane. Then he gives us a guided tour of what is below us. As I am in a middle row, I can’t possibly see that we’re flying over Vegas.
Then the movie comes back on, except it is interrupted again by one of my favorite things in the world:the welcome to America video. It’s such a wonderful video. It teaches you how to make it through customs as if you are retarded.
Look, I’ve flown into England, Germany and lots of other countries, and nobody else plays a video about what to do when you get there. That’s part of the fun of going — not knowing what to do, what to claim and what to fill out.
The United States, however, has an entire patriotic video. Any of you who work for the government are probably cringing right now because I probably sound very anti-American.
The truth is that I am not anti-American at all. I just do not want to watch these videos . . . especially during a crucial part of the movie I’m trying to finish on the plane.
When they finally put the movie back on again, then the flight attendant comes over and says she wants to put my headphones away before we land in another 20 minutes. I looked at her and said, “No, you’ve already interrupted the move fourteen times.”
So if any of you work for the airlines, please help out and see what you can do about getting rid of those videos. Also, although I don’t mind giving money to causes, do we have to be asked while we’re on a plane?
We already give money everywhere we go. You are at the airport and a Hari Krishna hits you up before you hit the plane. You get off the plane, and some guy in a priest outfit is hitting you up for some type of Catholic school thing.
I mean everywhere you go, people are asking for money. Really, I’d like to see some ingenuity at least from the people asking me for the money. I’d like to see the first bum on the street with a credit card processing machining. That would really impress me. Instead of asking for change, they could tell you that they take PayPal, American Express, Visa and Master Card.
My feelings about airplanes would be different if the airlines offered better things on a plane. It would be different if when you boarded a plane, they asked if you were single and seated you with the other single people. I mean, how many times have you walked down the aisle of the plane toward your seat and thought, “Why aren’t I sitting next to THAT person?!”
You could change seats throughout the flights and get to socialize with lots of different people. They could designate a whole singles section in the back of the plane. It could be like a mini speed dating event in the back five rows.
They could have a section for each group. Singles could hang in the back few rows. Divorced people would sit in rows 3 through 7. Couples would hang out in a section together. There would be a section just for swingers. All all the screaming kids would be put in their own section.
Better yet, why not have an entirely separate plane just for kids. No adults, just the kids. Instead of flight attendants, there would be adult babysitters on the plane. They would walk around the plane serving three kinds of milk: breast, whole and skim. Can you imagine what those flight attendants would look like by the end of each trip? Green pea spit up on their shirts and all sorts of other craziness.
I actually think that singles should have their own plane . . . and even their own airline. On that airline, the cart would go around serving shots, cosmopolitans, martinis and Jaegermeister. Instead of peanuts, they would hand out condoms to each person.
There would be a special place for people to go to hook up and join the mile high club. If you think about it, this is a great idea and actually superior to other ways people meet and hook up.
Think if you were on a ten hour flight and ended up getting laid. Is that so crazy? People hook up all the time after two or three hours of talking to someone in a bar. Ten hours sitting and talking with someone on a plane is a long time to get to know someone. It’s like three dates worth of conversation smushed together into one trip.
On the singles airline, if you get laid on the flight you would earn triple miles. just think, three trips to Europe getting laid on each one and you’re executive platinum status. If you think executive platinum has benefits on American, on our airline you get your own waterbed in the back complete with a Hugh Hefner silk robe. Talk about priority seating. . .
This singles airline concept would definitely save the airline industry a lot better than collecting for UNICEF.
So many guys get stuck in friend zone with women, and they never get out of it. I’m sure that resonates with many of the guys reading this blog.
I really don’t have women anymore with whom I am just “buddy-buddy.” Now I am not talking about having women friends. I am talking about being just friends with certain women whom I liked as more than friends, but with whom I was just friends because that is all I could be with them.
I used to have women friends like this during my twenties. I was always the dishrag.
They would get into a fight with Joe The Boyfriend, and then they would call me crying and say, “Oh my God, I don’t know what happened…” I’d sit there and listen to them because I would think that something would happen if I just listened and waited it out.
What did happen with those women? Nothing.
They would come over and say, “Can I snuggle with you?” Then we would snuggle as I had a full-on erection, hoping that they either wouldn’t notice or would notice and give me some misery sex or something.
I would also keep hoping that when they would break up with Joe The Boyfriend, that they would then decide to date me. Did that ever happen? Nope. They would break up with Joe The Boyfriend and start dating someone new . . . and I was never that guy.
Eventually I realized that there was a way to escape being stuck in the friend zone. I started to realize that every time I befriended women in another way, things turned out very differently (and with a much more desirable result!).
I began to be the “cool guy” with women I would befriend. I would hang out with them and have fun — maybe take the dog for a walk on the beach or get some coffee — but there was no romantic pressure or talking about the boyfriend. Once I started doing this, I never went back.
I never again sat with one of these women and said, “So what’s your relationship with your boyfriend really about?” I didn’t ask women in text messages, “How’s your boyfriend?”
I knew what the relationship was about, and we didn’t have to talk about it all the time. We might talk about it for five or ten minutes, but then I’d drop the subject.
By being this type of friend — a buddy, but really not a buddy — if she texts you out of the blue six months down the road, then she is still thinking about you.
I remember back when I was single something like this happening to me one time. I received a friend request on Facebook from a real estate agent whom I had asked out on a date months before.
When I first met her, I wrote her an email that said “You know what? I’m very indecisive right now about the house that I want, but one thing I’m very sure about is that I want to get to know you better. Dinner.” She emailed me back saying, “God, I’m so flattered and tempted, but I’m seeing somebody and just can’t right now.”
So months later she added me as a Friend on Facebook (with no message). This meant that somewhere in the back of her mind, subconsciously, she was thinking about me.
So what I did next was to write her a little note on Facebook saying, “How the hell are you? What’s going on? Is that boyfriend protecting you from burglars?” (We had talked when I met her about her house almost being broken into, and I was joking that she needed somebody to protect her).
She responded, “Well, the dog protected me.” That led into a conversation and some consistent contact (and ultimately a date with her as her relationship was on the verge of ending).
So think about the women in your life with whom you might be able to reconnect. How do you be sure to stay out of the friend zone? Be sure that you’re not being used as a dishrag. Be that “cool” guy, and you will never get stuck in that dreaded friend zone.
Since I am so powerful in football predictions, I figured some of you will be waiting to hear my World Series predictions. Some of you are probably thinking, “Why can’t you predict when I’m going to get laid or when my next date will be?” Well that I can’t do (and that’s what my products are for).
I don’t care who makes it from the National League, because the Yankees are winning it all this year. You can take that prediction to the bank . . . and maybe even to the bedroom.
Life is not fair. The other night I was having a conversation with someone about sex. I’m not going to tell you all the specifics, other than to tell you that after that discussion, I was absolutely orgasm envious! So let’s talk about orgasms, and I will tell you the reason why I’m orgasm envious.
By the way, if I could have one wish it would be that I could have a vagina for a day. I just think it would be so much fun. I already know exactly what kind of orgasms I’d want to have. I’d love to know how to have multiple orgasms through all different ways.
I’d want to have a g-spot orgasm. Of course there is the clitoris, so I’d want at least one clitoral orgasm (since the only reason it exists is for pleasure). Then there is this other place way back in the bowels of the vagina that supposedly can create a whole other type of orgasm.
I mean, give me a break. Right there, that’s three different kinds of orgasms! We men only get one kind.
I really don’t, however, want to talk today about the unfairness of orgasm counts between the sexes. What I really want to talk about today is sexual prime.
By the time men hit the age of 25, they are basically out of their sexual prime. Age 25? Half of the guys out there don’t even get laid enough to enjoy their sexual prime while they’re in it. Then by the time they are getting enough sex, they are already out of their sexual prime.
Women, on the other hand, don’t hit their sexual prime until they are around 37 years old. Think about the way that balances out.
By the time a guy is 37 years old, he isn’t exactly producing the same amount of “little swimmers” as he used to produce. Not only that, he doesn’t really want to have sex five times a day anymore (while women at that same age are machines!).
It’s no wonder that 37 year old women are the number one consumers of vibrators. They can basically vibrate their day away.
It’s really not fair the way things line up here. It really seems like things are very askew. It’s no wonder that there are so many cougars running around out there.
If I were a 37 year old woman who was hanging out with a Viagra-infused 55 year old guy with no stamina, I would certainly go find myself a young buck. I mean look at Demi Moore.
Don’t ever give her a hard time. She has a guy who is (whoops, I mean was) in his sexual prime. Wait, she may need to go find someone even younger. Justin Timberlake and Zach Efron, Demi Moore may be calling you really soon.
All joking aside, it just doesn’t seem right how the sexual prime thing is set up. Is this God’s way of punishing us? Someone was being mean when they designed the penis and the vagina. Why aren’t those two things created to be in alignment with one another?
Can all the guys remember when you were 18 and you basically would hump the air every five seconds (almost like a dog that humps the air all the time)? The reason why you were humping air was because you constantly wanted your dick to be touched.
I remember when I was 18 years old. I was so penis conscious, it was ridiculous. I felt my penis nonstop. No, I don’t mean that I touched my penis nonstop. I was just aware of it nonstop.
My penis led my life. It made me sleep with some really iffy women. It wasn’t my idea to sleep with them. It was my penis’ idea.
Not only that, but some guys can’t snuggle with a woman until they hit 28 years old. When you are a male who is 22 or 23 years old and your girlfriend asks you to snuggle, you have to go to the bathroom and snap a load off before you can do it.
This sexual prime gap between men and women just does not seem fair. Something is kharmically wrong here! It’s a mean joke. It’s like our sexual primes should have been matched.
Then again, some of this seeming mismatch may actually have been designed better than we thought. So although a guy past his sexual prime may no longer be able to pump and grind five times in one night, he can really satisfy a woman during the one time they do it and will be more likely to want to engage in a lot more of the foreplay that women crave so much.
Put your penis back in your pants, start talking to your wife and stop communicating with the American public about all of this. The American public does not need to care about why you cheated or hear your public apology, because they’re going to judge you anyway. We live in a very judgmental society.
So, David Letterman, I enjoy your comedy but I couldn’t care less about where you stick your penis. The fact is that you and your wife have a lot to work on with your marriage and your relationship.
It’s time you and your wife took this behind the scenes. Then you should admit why you repeatedly cheated on her for the past 23 years with cubical production assistants.
Your Friend,
David Wygant
For the rest of you, why do you even care about David Letterman and where he puts his pecker? I don’t really care about David Letterman’s pecker.
I don’t even want to see it to tell you the truth, because it reminds me of something that I saw in my youth that scared the hell out of me. I was in my country club’s bathroom one time and I saw a 65 year-old guy with gray hair all over him — on his chest and on his balls that went down to his knees. I don’t really want to ever see old man penis again. At least I’ve been doing male Kegel exercises so I don’t have that problem.
So let’s talk about what’s really going on here and what cheating is to you. I truly believe that people cheat for a reason — whether it’s something emotional, lack of sex or just for the thrill of it.
Before I go deeper into how I feel about cheaters and what I think cheating is really all about, I’m going to tell you something important. If you are someone who has been cheated on over and over throughout your life, you need to look in the mirror because it has happened because of something you’re doing.
You need to listen to today’s podcast to find out exactly what that is, and what else I have to say on this topic of cheating. You’re going to be shocked at what I go over in this podcast.
It is absolutely going to blow you away, and what I tell you about cheaters is going to rock your world. What I tell you about David Letterman will make you think twice about your late night TV choices!
It’s Monday. All right, so I missed with my Titans prediction. I did, however, hit with everyone else — which puts me at 11-1 now for the season going into tonight’s game. For that game, I predict the Vikings will beat the Packers.
11-1 . . . I am pretty impressed! What really does not impress me, though, are men who hang out with strippers and who pay strippers to hang out with them.
We had friends in town this past weekend who stayed at the 4 Seasons Hotel. We went there last night to hang out in the hotel’s hot tub.
There was a middle-aged man alone in the hot tub when we arrived. He seemed like a nice man. About three minutes later, though, three bimbos with long nails came bearing drinks and speaking in Paris Hilton-like sentences.
The man started talking about his hotel room and other such things. The women immediately started “wow-ing” about his big balcony. Then they got on the phone with their friends and started going on and on about how they got their nails done at the 4 Seasons and about the guy’s huge balcony.
You know, anyone can open their wallet and invite three bimbo strippers to their room. Unless you’re going to have the sex of your life, though, being forced to sit and listen to these women is just painful. I swear, Daphne had more to say than these women did.
Why is this such a thrill for guys? Here is this guy hanging out with a group of women who can only manage to speak in Paris Hilton type half-sentences. I never understand this.
Of course I get a guy liking younger women, but there’s certainly younger intelligent women he could find who would like him. The conversations they were having were so boring. No one was listening to each other. All I can think is, “Why?”
I know men, and I have coached men, who have done this. The sex is never any good, because the women aren’t into it. They just want the cash or the fringe benefits (like getting their nails done at the 4 Seasons).
What really happens is that the women just try to get the guy to come as quickly as possible. So who is winning here? It’s just so gross.
I’ve had casual sex, but I’ve never paid for sex. Maybe I’m just more evolved and maybe there are just less evolved people in this world . . . and that’s fine.
It’s fine if you’re the type of guy who looks at women like a piece of meat, is only interested in getting his dick stroked, and couldn’t care less about an emotional connection. That’s not the life I want. That’s not the life I teach.
When we were sitting in the hot tub, the man kept looking at me and smiling. It was like validation for him, as if he was saying with his smile “Look, I have three hot bimbos with me in the hot tub!” I ignored his smiles.
If you want to impress me, impress me with who you are as a person. I’m not impressed that you can get three strippers into a hot tub. That doesn’t impress me in the least.
While he was sharing a second grade-level conversation with those women, we were having a deep conversation about life. So why does he think I’d be impressed that he has three bimbos with him? Sometimes I’m embarrassed by my own gender.
So this kind of guy doesn’t impress me, nor does the guy who whips out the black American Express card at dinner. Why should I pay a couple thousand dollars a year to have a credit card that does the exact same thing as my free one?
I’m also not impressed by the guy who pulls in front of the coffee house in his Lamborghini but doesn’t bother to put money in the meter because he doesn’t care about getting a ticket. He figures, what’s a measly $60 to him.
If you want to impress me, get deep and tell me who you really are. I couldn’t care less about all this surface stuff.
Oh, and by the way Mr. Hot Tub from last night, I know you’re reading this today because I dropped my business card on your towel (and human intuition definitely wins out every time). This blog is dedicated to you.
I guarantee you got nothing out of last night, except a thinner wallet and maybe an orgasm. In reality, though, you are just as lonely today as you were yesterday.
So how do all of you feel about men who use their wallets on prostitutes and fancy cars just to prove how successful they are?
If you want to know know how to meet women who want to hang out with you, check out this video:
Let’s talk today about “sexting.” This is something we’ve discussed before here in the blog, but I want to talk about it a little differently today.
Sexting is really all about escalating. I am not trying to sound like a pickup artist (as most of you well know!), but when you’re dirty texting back and forth you really want to take the woman on a journey.
Think of sexting like a road heading into the mountains. The road starts out nice and flat, but you want to test things out ahead of time. You want to make sure your tires are sound and that the brakes will work.
So to do that, you will send something very simple like, “I had a thought . . . ” If she takes the bait, she’ll text you back asking you what that thought was.
Then you can write, “Well, last night I had this dream about you . . .” When you do that, you’re testing a little bit to see if she goes for it. This is good, because if you really had a dream about someone, you would probably share it with that person in bursts (and not all at once).
You want to be able to take it slowly. Really, this is mental masturbation! If you can get her to mentally masturbate about the thought of you having sex with her, she’s going to want to sleep with you when you meet up. So you’re really just testing the road.
It’s also about being 100% in control. For instance, you can say something like, “Yeah, last night I learned about this new position, and it was really hot. So, how’s your trip to D.C.?”
It’s a giveaway-takeaway. You want to constantly give and take away from her.
The more you do that, the hotter she will become. You’re teasing her.
It’s really the same thing with sex. The guy who goes straight for the vagina and pounds away is not going to please the woman. The guy who massages, loves and cherishes the woman is the one who is going to get that woman totally hot.
It’s the same thing for sexting and for sex. Everything is about foreplay. Life is about foreplay.
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Yesterday’s topic was definitely controversial. About yesterday’s topic, I think that when you’re in a relationship there will be less chance of you seeking out opposite sex friends if you can let go sexually.
Now when I say “let go,” I am talking about you being able to be open about your needs, asking for what you want, and being that crazy person in bed you’ve always wanted to be. This goes right into today’s blog topic.
So let’s get right into this topic and see if we can get the controversy going again…
I was thinking today about sex. It’s not like I don’t ever think about sex. I actually enjoy thinking about sex. There was one thing I was thinking about that was really interesting.
I want you to ask yourself this question: In your sex life, how easy is it for you to let go?
When your lover goes down on you, how is easy is it for you to let go? How easy is it for you to totally give into them, and to let them do whatever they want?
Can you just “go with it” and really just enjoy it? Can you accept that they get pleasure and enjoyment from bringing intense pleasure to your body? Are you able to do these things?
You know what’s funny, is that so many of us (men included) have trouble having an orgasm from oral sex. It’s true. There are men out there that just will not cum from a blow job.
I think it’s all about self-control. Think about it.
If you know how to please your lover, you should really be pleasing your lover on a regular basis. I mean, who doesn’t want to be pleased? Who doesn’t want to experience the beauty of an orgasm (and the beauty of an orgasm from your lover’s mouth)?
So if you’re having trouble climaxing with your partner, you need to think about the reason why that is so. What do you think about when your partner goes down on you?
Are you releasing everything? Are you holding anything back? Are you in control of yourself? Are you over-thinking it or do you just go with it?
In order to really be able to orgasm with your partner — especially during oral sex — you really need to be able to totally let go. If it takes an extra ten minutes one night, who cares? If it take an hour to cum and you’re enjoying it, who cares?
It’s all about having that intimacy, and the greatest thing about intimacy is letting go. Each day you can get more intimate with your partner. You can get more intimate in every way.
So why hold back? There is no reason to ever hold back sexually from your partner. It’s a lesson that I think all of us need to learn.
I was just on the phone with a really good friend of mine, and we were having a really funny conversation about his relationship. He’s dating someone who says to him, “I don’t care if you have female friends, but I don’t want you making an new female friends.”
As we got into the conversation, I started thinking about my life. I started thinking about in which times of my life I have made friends with my female friends.
Many times, I made new female friends when I was single. That would often happen when I was single and dating, because I’d become friends with women I was meeting that I really liked as people but with whom I didn’t feel any chemistry. I didn’t become friends with those women out of any kind of sexual desire for them.
Thinking about the women I became friends with while I’ve been in relationships, however, is something very different. If my relationships weren’t going well, I tended to find women friends to whom I was attracted.
So, I started looking a little deeper into this, and I started to realize that maybe my friend’s girlfriend has a valid point. She truly believes that if you’re in a relationship and are still collecting friends of the opposite sex, then it means that you are still out there trying to “sew your wild oats” . . . just in a different way. It’s a way to cheat emotionally.
I can understand her thinking, because I’ve dated four women who were just my friend when I met them. I ended up dating every one of those four women with whom I was “just friends” when we met.
I have to tell you. I had chemistry with each and every one of those four women right from the get-go, and I know they felt that same chemistry since they continued to pursue the so-called friendship.
Whether I didn’t actually end up dating them until a year later or two years later doesn’t matter. I am kind of in agreement with my friend’s girlfriend and her take on the issue of men and women being friends.
If you’re not satisfied in your relationship or you’re spending a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex, you’re not just bumping into women you think are really cool. Can you imagine your lover telling you this: “I was in Whole Foods today, and I ran into this great girl I want to be friends with. We just had so much in common. We were talking about which kind of breakfast cereal is the best, and I just really think she would be a great friend. I want you to meet her.”
So, the girl meets this new would-be female friend and of course she’s a knockout. Come on guys, let’s get real. You’re only friends with women with whom you want to have sex.
If you’re not happy in your relationship and you’re finding new females with whom to be friends, it’s only a matter of time before you start cheating and having sex with one of them. Women do the same thing.
Stop being in denial ladies. Women do this exact same thing. You have a boyfriend who is not satisfying you, and all of a sudden you’ll meet a great guy and become friends with him. It’s only a matter of time before that chemistry is exposed and the sex starts.
I think anyone who is denying that all of this is true is delusional, and I think my friend’s girlfriend may have a valid point here. The man or women who goes out and finds new opposite sex friends, is someone who tends to feel like something is missing in their relationship. You guys think about this.
