I learn about my own issues and my own “stuff,” like my own fears that I may not even have realized I had. I am not talking about fears having to do with when I coach guys how to approach women. I have zero apprehension about that.

I go deeper. So ever since I recorded that podcast, I have been thinking about it and one word keeps coming up: resistance.

I have realized that I have had resistance in a lot of my relationships. Giving in seems to be a big theme Giving in seems to be the big theme. Giving in and losing control seem to be big themes.

Now granted, there are things that you can’t give in to in relationships — things that you are very passionate about or which are part of your core belief system or whatever it might be. Even if you are passionate about certain issues, though, you can still discuss them and learn from each other.

You can find common ground, or you can compromise and find a new way. People who practice resistance tend to never compromise or, if they do, they do it without really compromising.

So I find resistance — resisting things — to be my theme. I seem to resist things that I may or may not want, or that I may or may not have ever thought I wanted. I seem to resist people in certain situations, and maybe resist letting go or letting go of control.

Has Your Relationship Hit A Brick Wall

I seem to attract people who have the same issues because of the the law of attraction. I believe in the law of attraction.

The law of attraction is basically that you’re going to find someone with whom you share certain traits, because the two of you still need to learn certain things. It’s the reason why you are put on this Earth together at the same time.

It is so both of you will teach each other and help each other grow. So grow through your resistance or whatever your issue might be.

Now I want to go even deeper. I want you start thinking to yourself about all of the people you have attracted, and about all of the lessons you’ve had to learn. Were you able to blast through that lesson with somebody, or did those lessons repeat themselves with the next person and the next person and the next person you met?

Life is a mirror. You’re going to attract someone who is exactly where you are at right now in your life.

So resistance was the word that came up for me. I am sure if you look deep inside, some of your words might be different. Some of you may not be able to come with any words. I know myself so well that I was able to come up with a word for myself. So take some time to see if you can find a word for you that represents what you have to learn.

I’d say about one hour. Yes, why not go out there an hour after breaking up — crying, tears running down your face, insecure and full of emotion — and start dating again.

Of course an hour is too soon. Honestly, though, the answer is that it’s a different time period for everyone.

It depends how long it took for you to break up. It depends on who did the breaking up. Most importantly, it depends on how long you need.

You need as long as it’s going to take for you to process everything. You need to get all the anger out, process what went wrong in the relationship, what you need to learn from the relationship, and what type of person you want going forward.

When you go through a break up with somebody, regardless of whether you’re the person being broken up with or whether you do the breaking up, you need to take time to process everything that went on before you move forward and even think about dating again.

I think it’s really important during that processing time to do things for yourself, to spend time with yourself, and to spend time with your friends. Doing these things is important because when you do start dating again, you need to be 100% open to what comes into your life.

If you’re still wounded, you’re just going to find another person who is equally as wounded. That’s not what you want. You want to really be the most positive, amazing version of yourself so that you can attract an equally positive and amazing person.

So take your time after a breakup. Take as much time as you need, however long that might be, before you start dating again.

Let’s talk a little about relationships today…

Anyone who has read me knows that there is something I say over and over again (because it is so important!): To be able to truly love yourself and to truly be able to love someone else, you must drop the ego. This is absolutely essential to finding an amazing relationship, but it’s equally critical to maintaining and continually improving a relationship once you’re already in it.

Nothing will kill a relationship (even the best of relationships) more quickly than ego. Here are 6 ways your ego can kill your relationship, and how to avoid having your ego ruin your relationship.

1.Resist The Temptation To Defend Yourself: Think about the number of times you’ve fought with a significant other, and whenever things get a little heated you start to defend yourself. All you hear is you being attacked, and you immediately go into “defending yourself” mode. Do you know that when you defend yourself in a fight, what’s really happening is your ego is defending itself.

It also means that you’ve stopped listening to the other person.  If someone tells you that they don’t like the way you’ve been acting lately, why not hear them out instead of defending yourself? It will almost always create a MUCH better outcome. 

2.To Love Yourself And Someone Else Completely You Must Separate The Ego: In order to truly love someone, you must separate your ego from yourself. This is also true if you want to be able to totally love yourself. Now, I know that in a perfect world, we would never be ego-driven. This is not a perfect world of course, so let’s get real. We are all ego-driven to some extent or another, so let’s acknowledge it and embrace that we need to separate the ego to cultivate and maintain a truly amazing relationship with someone.  

3.Your Ego Can Ruin Any Conversation: The truth is that no matter how much you prepare, plan and hope for a good conversation with your significant other, your ego is the one thing that will consistently ruin any conversation you’re about to have if you let it. 

Let’s say your significant other is frustrated with you in one way or another and really needs to express something about that to you. How do you respond? If you let your ego get involved and you defend yourself, it means that you’re not listening to them.

In order to really listen to somebody, it’s uncomfortable.  Sometimes your significant other has things that are really bothering them about which they want to talk to you, but which you would rather not hear. To maintain a great relationship, however, you can’t let your ego keep you from really listening.

This is a topic that we will go much deeper into another day.

But think about these 3 topics and ask yourself are you guilty of this?

So the next time you see your ego getting involved in your relationship, get rid of it! If you find yourself defending yourself or not allowing you to really listen, then you need to take a step back. Listen carefully to what’s really being said, and use it to create the most amazing relationship.

One of the blog commenters whose name I think was Brad mentioned in his comment wishing I’d get back to “deep topics” in the blog. In reality, though, what I’ve talked about the last couple days IS a really deep topic: overreacting.

Ask yourself how you are when you’re in a relationship with people. My opinion about much of what has been going on “behind the scenes” in the blog the last couple days is that it’s a reflection of how certain people conduct themselves in their own personal lives.

What happens when your significant other sits you down, tells you they have something about which they want to talk to you, and then they proceed to tell you how they feel? Do you immediately overreact and take it personally, when in reality it has nothing to do with you?

One of the main causes of couples breaking up is overreacting. Overreaction causes people to stop getting along with each other.

Take this example. Say your significant other tells you that they feel like they’re not spending enough time with their family. You take it personally, and think to yourself “Oh my God! I’ve been spending all this time with this person, and they don’t want to spend time with me anymore. What’s going on? Why don’t they want to spend time with me anymore?” This is called overreacting.

The world does not revolve around you. When someone shares their feelings with you, what I tell people to do is take a “timeout.” Call a timeout, and a take a few minutes to think about what they said. Process what they said. Look deep inside and see if what they said is about them (and only them).

Think about how what someone says affects you. Taking a look at what is really going on can prevent you from overreacting. Really think about what it all means.

It feels like people overreact quite a lot. When you overreact, you are never, ever going to be able to really hear what the other person is trying to say because you are always going to think what they’re saying is all about you.

People in a relationship should be able to voice their opinions, their feelings and their emotions to their partner. The other person should respect that and take time to process before reacting.

I tell people all the time to take a timeout before they overreact. When I say take a timeout, I literally mean go and do something else (like read or listen to something).

So whenever you feel that internal switch going on and you know you’re about to overreact, you need to take a timeout. Take five or ten minutes to process what’s really happening, and then respond.

Never speak in the heat of the moment because you will usually misinterpret what is really going on or what the situation is really all about. Also, if you overreact in relationships then your partner is never going to feel safe enough to tell you their deepest and most trusted feelings.

Now he has a girlfriend who has moved in with him and, all of a sudden, his girlfriend has started deciding with whom he is allowed to be friends. My friend is one of the people her friend’s girlfriend has forbid him to be friends with anymore . . . and he has agreed go along with this.

When my friend told me this and asked me what I thought, my answer was this: What is wrong with people?!

You have no right at all to ever tell your boyfriend or girlfriend with which people they can be friends. If you don’t like one of your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s friends, then don’t hang out with them.

My girlfriend has some friends that I’m not particularly fond of, and I simply do not hang out with them. What does it matter? They’re not my friends. They’re her friends.

That’s what makes her an individual. She enjoys them. I don’t need to enjoy friends of hers with whom I don’t particularly get along, just like she doesn’t need to enjoy friends of mine who don’t resonate with her.

When two people come together in a relationship, it’s still important that they remain individuals. You fall in love with someone because of the kind of individual they are.

The minute you start trying to manipulate or change the person you’re dating – whether it’s setting rules about what people they can have as friends, what they can wear or what they can do – that will be the beginning of the end of that relationship. It is disgraceful to do this.

Also, anyone out there who allows a significant other to dictate with whom they can be friends has lost respect for themselves. A relationship is about voicing your opinions. It’s about disagreeing and making compromises, but this is one compromise I would never make.

Another friend of mine was married for 17 years to a woman who I thought was truly the worst woman he could have married. Do you know what she did for 16 of the 17 years they were married? She forbid my friend to see his mother, along with dictating how he could act and reprimanding him for practically everything he ever did.

When he finally broke up with her, he didn’t know who he was as a man or what he stood for in life. He finally has a relationship again with his mother, and has realized that his mother is actually a good person. It was just all the negative chatter he heard over and over again about his mother from his ex-wife.

If you’re with someone who wants to control your life or wants to change who you are as a person, then it’s time to really take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and realize it’s time to learn who you are. It’s time to embrace yourself so you can understand why you’re attracting people like this.